[ECHOES]

I'm missing someone I felt close to (not romantic) for over 2 years through correspondence. Missing so much it hurts. I want her to come back. I miss her with all my heart. I love this person so much and felt cared about by her. I need her. She was like a mom or older aunt. I don't want to be alone, without her. I wanted to talk to her forever. It hurts so much.

I just have no place to put this so I'm putting it here. Maybe it will help. Nobody can fix it.

[bebop]

(((echoes)))

[ECHOES]

thank you, Bee

[Mouse_]

Echoes, you know I so know where you are with this right now. I am in a very similar situation and recently I tried to find some more healing for myself by asking this person why they acted like they did, and the response I got was just as painful as the original seperation. Once broken there is only one way to go and thats forward. I am sorry you are hurting so much right now and proberbly like myself are only thinking if only, if only, but its to late for that now, you are entering a new phase of your life and the pain is almost like a rebirth. You will get through this!! you will be so much wiser and stronger too! Take care!

[ECHOES]

Thank you Mouse, yes that's where I am, stuck in not accepting it. It's done, intellectually I know that but I don't want it to be done so I keep hanging on with "what if" kinds of thoughts and magical thinking.

Thank you for your support and positive message!

[JustBJ]

I'm new here Echos but I just want you to know that I understand where your coming from. I'm in the same situation now, losing friends and it does hurt. It's easy for others to say move on, get over it but it's the hardest thing in the world to do. But you have to try, try to tuck all the hurt away. But talk about it, don't bottle it up inside, like I tend to do.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( Echoes )))))))))))))

[ECHOES]

(( thank you ))

I am struggling again this weekend. I have basically blown the entire weekend and done nothing but cry.

I don't know if I can ever let go and accept this. I don't want to lose this person!!

[EJ711]

Echoes,

I'm sorry you feel so sad right now.

I still miss a friend I had for about four years, who lived through the loss of my mother with me.

She suddenly lost her Christian faith, and she rejected me around this point. It is still kind of a mystery to me.

How long has it been since you had contact with her?

EJ

[SweetSunshine]

Bebop and Daugher & Family. I am so sorry this happened. I wish I could say more .. but this is a triggery subject for me. I hope you know my heart is with you guys.

hugz
Bethy

[sunrise]

(((((ECHOES)))))

It sounds so painful. Are you doing anything in therapy to help?

[ECHOES]

(( EJ )))

I had been doing fairly well, then I learned her mom passed away. We had often talked about her mom in our writing. She took care of her mom in her home with 24/7 caregivers and lots of wonderful personal attention. Her mom was in her 90's and still socially actuve and mentally sharp. I loved that she was so close and so devoted to her and took such wonderful care of her.

So, Saturday I posted a short note to her to express my condolences and she replied with a short reply of thanks. I should have left it at that, but I posted again, saying more and offering to be there for her as she had been for me, and telling her as I had in the past how I admired her for the wonderful care she provided for her mom. She replied again with a thank you.

While on the site I read a post by her to someone wondering where she had been. She hadn't been posting since she and i stopped writing, just a coincidence I think. So in that post she said she isn't on the site anymore; that although she's been there for years she now has other things to focus on in her life.

When we said our good-bye's, I asked that even though she didn't want to write could I still pop in and say hello from time to time. She said "Of course, xxxx.". So now I read that she is no longer there participating in a supportive way as she has. I think she will eventually just not be there at all so now I have totally lost her.

Having contact with her again has made me want to not let go again. It is hard to explain how this person affected me. She has a MA in psychology but has her own business in another field. She "found" me there. She encouraged me to talk with her and helped me put words to my thoughts and feelings. She encouraged me to seek therapy and helped me understand that my misperceptions could be helped by psychotherapy. She was like a cross between a T, a warm and loving mom (very unlike my own), and a good friend. Sometimes she would just post to say she was tired and heading to bed. We wrote nearly daily for over 2 and a half years.

I don't know how to live without her in my life.

sunny, my T and I have been talking about this since I began with her a year ago. We've talked about why I feel so close her and that it is an obsession, something very embarrassing to me but it is true. I often used to become very distraut imagining that this person was 'leaving me'. I tell T what a hard time I'm having with losing this person. We have been talking about idealizing people which I do and how I fall apart when the idealized person 'meets' the real person in my mind. There is a lot to talk about there and I know in time it will help. But right now I feel like I have a fire that isn't being attended to, and I don't know what to do.

I write this on Monday morning when I should be at work but I couldn't make myself go in. I have PTO time to take but they don't like unscheduled time off. We are very caught up and my being out won't hurt the work iteslf, but I worry about calling off sick... again. This isn't me. Dependability is a strength for me, or used to be.. I never missed work. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.

[sunrise]

Hi ECHOES, is therapy on this issue helping? Have you tried any specific techniques? One that comes to mind is "the empty chair" of Gestalt therapy. In session, T sets an empty chair in front of you and you imagine your friend there with you, and you talk to her and tell her what you need to tell her (how much you miss her, that you are sad she is gone, that you are mad she has dropped you or whatever you need to say). This helps bring closure and helps you grieve. My T might suggest EMDR as this is a technique he uses a lot. I don't know if your T does that, but it is a quick acting therapy and can help when you are "stuck." Just some ideas. What does your T suggest? The grieving process can be along one. Take care. ((((((((((ECHOES))))))))))

[mandazzle]

(((echoes)))
I feel like I've been faced with death way too much. My swim coach told me, "What would they be happier seeing, you happy and living your life or you sad and miserable?"

[ECHOES]

Thanks sunny. My T doesn't do any of those things. She's an analyst.

I have journalled many times, used some fantasy and I feel like I have closure, then it comes back and hits me again.

I had a dream before this happened. Before this break, I was feeling ready to have less contatct with her. I suggested writing less often and things seemed to snowball quickly--too quickly for me-- from there. In this dream, I am in a doorway (all my dreams seem to have doorways) and watching a person from behind, walking away from the doorway, carrying a piece of heavy baggage in each hand. The baggage is liquid and the 'luggage' is very big so it's very heavy. I realize this is me, the baggage is my "baggage" and the liquid is my tears. I walk from the doorway to the sidewalk that parallels the street. It's a sunny warm day and trees are casting soft shadows. I look right and left, not knowing which direction I'm going But it doesn't matter, I am happy to be going either direction. .. I think this is about my feeling ready to leave the person I correspond with. I have baggage because although she's helped me a lot, I have much more work to do.

Later I had the exact same dream. But this time it was the person I correspond with leaving. Leaving with the liquid luggage (we talked in our corresondence about how she accepted my tears that were'n't accpeted when I was growing up). She carries the luggage easily. (it represents her caring and compassion that is a part of her, that she offers to others and not just me). I am watching from behind again in this dream. I am heart-broken. I run to her and put my little girl arms around her waist to sotp her, telling her it's ME you are leaving!! It's ME! Frantic.

I wasn't so ready to leave her after all.

[sunrise]

ECHOES, I had had the impression that you suggested writing to your friend/mentor less frequently fairly recently (a few months ago?), but you wrote here that you had been working on this issue with your T for a year. Or was your telling your friend that just one step in a larger separation process? Why did you guys decide you wanted less contact? Are you now thinking that was not what you really wanted, but you can't go back?

If your T only does analyis, maybe you could do some other stuff on your own. The journaling sounds good. One time I was working on the loss of my relationship with a former therapist (from years ago when I was in college), and I was very sad about that and had never grieved it. My T suggested I write a letter to him (not to be sent) and tell him what I needed to say--how much I had missed him and how sad I had felt about the loss of our relationship. (Kind of like the Empty Chair in letter form). I did find this helpful. I remember my T said that I was unable to experience the grief with him in session because I was so joyful about being with him each week and that was blocking me from feeling this past grief (kind of a reverse transference--transferring my current feelings for my T onto this old T from my past). I did go home and write the letter, and it did help. Maybe you could do something similar.... Maybe you have.... I am sorry this is so painful.

Thanks for sharing your dream.

[ECHOES]

T and I had been dealing with my attachment to this person and what that's about and my falling apart every time I thought she was leaving me (all in my mind).

During this I came to feel that I was getting ready to be willing to let go. I felt like if she did stop writing I would be okay. Then I actually felt a desire to write less often. And I did suggest that. I also started being more authentic with her in my writing, being more myself, not worrying about 'pushing her away'. When I suggested writing less frequently I knew I was getting ready to be able to let go some; I needed to let go slowly to this important person in my life. I never wanted to lose her, just let go a bit. But she analyzed that and my other posts and decided it was time for us to stop writing. It was like she just yanked the whole process out of my hands, made it a way too quick separation, and I had no choice to say good-bye. I just wanted to write less frequently. I don't understand why she couldn't let me try that. Even if she wanted to stop writing completely, she could have let me taper off. I know she cares about me and her good-bye was very sweet and caring. She's told me many times that I matter to her. But this is so hard. I don't want to be without her. I don't think I'll ever get my head around it.

T called tonight; I'd left a few messages over the weekend, but couldn't allow myself to use her cell. She said she doesn't pick up her messages on the weekend and I would have to use her cell. I should have. Maybe I could have gone to work. She talked to me for a minute, said the usual "that's so hard" "that brings up a lot of things".. but she never says she cares that I'm in such pain. Is it wrong for me to want that?

[bebop]

hon I am no Therapist or pdoc but it sounds like you are in need of validation. from your friend and your therapist. I really hope you can heal from this.

[ECHOES]

thank you bebop. i really think T is trying to give me that but I'm not feeling it.

[sunrise]

Thanks for sharing your tale, ECHOES. I understand better now. I know my T would suggest EMDR on this so you could get some relief. It is really effective for stuck situations and you seem stuck on this. Sometimes people do EMDR as an adjunct to their main therapy, with a special EMDR therapist. Would you ever consider this? Maybe it would only take a couple of sessions--wouldn't it be great to be past this?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
she never says she cares that I'm in such pain

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">ECHOES, have you asked for what you want? What would happen if you told her you wanted her to care that you are in such pain?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Is it wrong for me to want that?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">No.

[ECHOES]

sunny thanks for your reply and encouragement.

I had a really good session Tuesday night. I told her how I continue to grieve and how recent events (the person I wrote to losing her mother that she had cared for in her home for years) and my need to write my condolences to her.. having stirred up the loss and grief again. So we talked about that.

Then she wanted to talk about "us" (There's an "us"!! )

She asked if I wanted to talk about the approximately 438 phone calls I'ld made to her over the weekend. (No!! lol) She had called me Monday evening and we spoke briefly, a way of re-connecting and her making sure I was okay. So I said... ummmm.. hehe..which one(s)? We laughed. One message was simply "I don't think you care about me.". Then a callback that I realize that her taking my calls and messages, calling me back, etc say that she cares about me. Then a middle of the night (it was such a rough weekend and night for me) another call telling her I just feel like she doesn't fully 'get' my grief or the connection I have with the person I wrote to.

So she wanted really to talk about that and was glad I could see that I recognized that the phone messages and calls are a way of caring; then she asked me what is it need or would like from her that would make me feel she cares. Oy oy oy... finally after much squirming and exploring the rug, the plant beside me, the table with the pretty lamp, the wallpaper border at the ceiling, and the wall of shelves full of toys for those lucky kids who get to see her and play and paint with her....I finally said (to my shoes, I think) "I want to hear the words!" . Then I wanted to die because I had just spoken my need and desire!! I could not look at her. Could not!

Then she said "I do care about you and about how you feel." and my eyes flew to her eyes and face like the little girl in me wanted to fly to her side.

We spent more time talking about what I want from her, my fantasy of what a good therapist would be, etc. It was fun and interesting.

Today has been so peaceful. What a difference a session makes. Today I could think of the person I wrote to without tears or extreme distress. I still have sadness but that's part of the process and that's okay. It will get better; there is an end to mourning. The process has a beginning, a middle, and an end. I believe I'm getting there.

I am back to reading the chapter on mourning in the book "Necessary Losses" by Judith Viorst. It's very helpful too.

Thanks so much for your suport sunny

[DocClyde]

(((Echoes)))

Glad to hear things seem to be going back to the better

[ECHOES]

Thank you to all. You held me up when I was slipping

[BalishBun]

You are very right grief hurts!