8yr Old Having Problem With Boy At School.

My youngest daughter is 8yrs. old and in grade 2. There's a boy in her class who supposedly has a crush on her lets call him N. A month ago, another boy in her class said "N wants to sleep with you." I wrote a wrote to the teacher and she wrote back saying she spoke to the boys. She said she thinks it was a misunderstanding and the boys were actually discussing having a 'sleepover' - so it's a misunderstanding. She said to keep her informed.

Yesterday my daughter came home visibly upset. She was sitting across the isle on the bus. A neighborhood boy(different one) was sitting with N. The neighborhood boy said to my daughter that "N wants to have sex with you". So this is the second time this has happened with N, but different boys quoting him. My daughter was so upset she couldn't verbalize and had to write it down - she spelled sex as six lol. I wrote a note this morning. I don't think the teacher can make an excuse this time.

I feel so mad and sad this is happening with 8 yr olds. Even my 12 yr old hasn't had sexual comments until this year in grade 7. Is this what society has come to? I don't know this child's parents.

My 12 year old boy is coming home with alarming questions these days. Fortunately, when he was 8, things were still sort of innocent. I think so much of it has to do with how society has become. I mean, I didn't know half of what my son knows at the age of 12.

My first instinct when reading your post is that you should get in touch with this boy's parents. Did the teacher even make the parents aware of their child's behaviour? It is inappropriate, even if the kid thinks it is funny. And that boy should have a stern talking to.

I hope your daughter can process it though I am sure she can with a loving and supportive Mom like you.

Thanks Sabrina. I don't know his parents at all. I'll know today how they handled it. Last time the teacher seemed to believe it was a misunderstanding - I let it go at that. But it's too coincidental to have this happen with the same boy but quoted by a different boy. All I know is this boy(N) has an older brother in grade 5.

I'm not too impressed with this teacher this year. She lets the kids solve all their own problems. I understand how it's good to let the kids solve things to a point and my daughter is very good at not wanting or needing my help. I know if she comes to me, she's exasperated. If it doesn't stop I'll take it to the principle.

My daughter came in the house very mad. She's upset but not feeling weakened at all. I told her this was very inappropriate but I was happy she told me. She's very well liked at school and has no problem making friends so I know she'll be fine. I agree Sabrina, the children seem to know more now a days. When I was 18 I didn't know what oral sex was - I thought it meant you talk dirty LOL. Even my 12 yr old had a boy say to another boy she was walking with "would I ever like to get a piece of that ***." I'm a grown woman and have never had these things said to me.

This is really a problem for an administrator, not the teacher since it happened on the bus. It is sexual harassment, and by law, should be handled very firmly. Go talk directly to the principal.

Lynn,

I cringe to hear of such talk. Sabrina is right about the firm talking to. Not just N but all 3 boys.

I also agree with farmergirl. This is an issue for the administrator. Perhaps a note to that effect to the teacher stating what you are doing so she won't think you're "going over her head". Even though you are, make nice for your daughter's sake.

I know you'll do all the right things. Hopefully, they'll nip this in the bud the best they can. Whew, 2nd grader talking that trash...what a loser.

One thing that jumped out at me is that in both instances "N" wasn't the one to make the comment/statement. When I was in elementary school and jr high both, kids who were my "friends" (used loosely) said inappropriate things (not sexual, but things like I said I was going to break a teacher's neck, for example), and I never said anything remotely similar to that! I did however get in trouble several times...exactly what the "friends" wanted. At least three times these things were done right in front of me. So I wonder if "N" is really saying these things, or if he has some friends who are really not friends, and they are actually the ones being inappropriate.

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This is an excellent point and I've thought about this which means I can't forge too hard because this is 'here say'. The 1st time I let it go after the teacher told me it was a misunderstanding. The other day this came from a different boy not in N's class. If it was the same boy quoting N then I might be inclined to think he was trying to get N in trouble. Either way it's 'here say'.

The teacher called me yesterday and she said she passed my note to the Principle. I'm going to call in a few minutes to speak with her. English Teacher made a good point about this not just being a school problem - because it happened on the bus. Yesterday when my daughter got on the bus the boy said "you're not supposed to sit near me" - when in reality he's not supposed to sit anywhere near her. If it ever happens a 3rd time - I will have to be really firm with the principle. It's very difficult dealing with 'here say' comments because I don't know who's telling the truth.

I feel very discouraged that this kind of talk is even happening at this age - very scary.

I just got off the phone with the Principal. She told me she spoke to the two boys and my daughter all separately yesterday. She spoke to N and she asked him, if he said anything wrong regarding my daughter on the bus. She said she didn't quote and say "did you say you want to have sex"? She said by cornering him with the actual statement -he might deny it out of embarrassment -I agree with her. So she said N hung his head down low and said "yes I did say something inappropriate about my daughter". So now I know this is true. She warned him to never say inappropriate things again, otherwise she would take action. The principle hopes he understands, to be careful what he says from now on and to tell her if this happens again. I really like this Principle and she's very easy to talk too. We spoke for 20 minutes and I feel very satisfied with how she handled it.

This boy is only 8 and he has an older brother in grade 5. I suspect he might not even know what "sex" means, so I'm not going to get too upset. If this was in grade 6 and up I would know, they truly understand what sex means. Hopefully N now realizes, that you just can't say inappropriate things and get away with it. I hope this is the end to this and if not I will keep going until it stops lol. Right now I feel satisfied how it turned out.

I also asked the principle, when does the board of education teach sex ed. She said in grade 7. I think it should be taught in grade 5/6. I have already spoken to my oldest(12 yr old) 2 years ago. I believe in educating her about sex, but also support making the proper choices. I told her I'm an open book and she can talked to me about anything. It's a scary time right now with kids as young as grade 5 having sex. Thanks to everyone who responded to this thread. I feel very satisfied and happy how this turned out.

Oh, I am so glad things turned out well.

Because of some circumstances beyond my control, I had to have a sex talk with my son when he was 7. Nothing overly graphic, but I did explain everything. I figure the more truthful I am, the less curious he will have to be behind closed doors...

It's terrifying to have children.

One thing I noticed was that N didn't jump up and deny or act shocked either time someone else spoke "for" him, which kind of includes him, in my mind, regardless of whether it's hearsay or not. All three boys behaved inappropriately but I'd be worried about what they're "learning" from the whole thing.

For an 8 year old boy to say "I want to have sex with you" and they can't know what that "is" because they are not through puberty, do not have erections for sexual purposes, etc. means that an adult has said that in their hearing, maybe only on TV, but the meaning from when a healthy man says that to a healthy woman, what "happens" (I find you attractive, I want you, etc.) is a positive emotion but here, in an 8 year old's misunderstanding, it's out of place/the wrong way to express interest in another person. But who's going to teach him all that? Just making him think he said a "bad" word/phrase, can't educate him about what's wrong with the whole thing.

To me, it's not really about sex and wrong words, it's about the child watching something he cannot, by definition, understand "correctly" no matter how hard he tries and no one (his parents) have stepped in to make sure that doesn't happen again. I think the boy's understanding of "like" and "interest" in other people adn how to communicate one's feelings has been damaged/skewed and isn't being addressed.

Good point Perna. A teachable moment could well have been lost if the discussion about what was inappropriate didn't include a discussion about what is appropriate. Children this age don't know what they are saying and it would be useful to dig a little deeper to find out his intentions. Getting a girls attention or the crowds attention and learning better ways of doing either would be a good teaching point for the whole class.

I am sorry Lynn your daughter was at the centre of this story. Hopefully things will settle down now.

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Very good point Perna and I agree he probably didn't know why this was wrong. This is why i mentioned earlier how I perceive this differently, compared to if they were older. I spoke with the principle about this topic. I said to her - why are kids talking like this in grade 2 . She and I both agreed he most likely hears his older brother(grade5 -too young) also) and gets it from TV, older adults etc. He has made it known that he likes my daughter(crush) so he may be thinking that sex means - he's showing his school boy affection - who knows.

Since we have strict privacy laws here in Canada, I didn't ask if she was going to call his parents or if she was going to take this as a teachable moment. I doubt she would be able to do that, since this is his parents job. She's a good principle and I don't think she made him feel horrible but told him this isn't appropriate to say anyone. She said he actually used the word "inappropriate" himself.

Since my girls started school, they come home eat a snack and we discuss how their day went or we talk over dinner. When they tell me about kids who get in trouble, I use these as teachable moments. I think TV, the internet and not enough one on one parent time is to blame. It's well known many parents don't have quality time where they sit and talk about important things like bullying or saying inappropriate words and why.

I hope the teacher will mention it to his parents since tonight is parent/teacher interviews. If my child said this or did anything significant I would want to know. So I can only hope someone will take the time to explain to N why this word was inappropriate and how better to express his school boy affection. Maybe he thinks this is the only way to say he likes her - I don't know.

My girls know it's inappropriate so why doesn't he? - I kind of feel sorry for him. I remember when my oldest was in senior kindergarten a boy gave my daughter a 'garbage tie ring" - he twisted it on her finger and said "I like you". She came home all happy saying "look what I got" - too cute. This is the kind of things that should be happening - cute little innocent crushes. Sigh - it's a different and tough world now a days and scary when you have 2 girls.

Lynn, I just admire your mothering skills. You are such a good Mom! Your daughters are lucky to have you.

I am glad this has turned out well and that you are happy and satisfied with the principal. I have had dealings with my son's principal and have always felt him to be fair and undiscriminating. That really helps.

I admire you.

Awww what a wonderful thing to say Sabrina. I feel the same about you. I really do like this principle - we spoke for a good 20 min. and even branched out talking about sex education. I wanted to know what grade they start educating. I almost forgot I was talking to the 'principle' and felt like she was a friend. From the beginning I just wanted to get to the truth and more interested in a solution, rather than punishing N - he's just a kid after all. It must be hard trying to please the teacher and the parents - she surprisingly an upbeat person. She also a mother and that help too.