My Security Blanket

In honor of my mom, who is having a surgery right now, I want to give her some kudos.

She wasn't an A hole parent, taking away my baby blanket like parents were told to do then, like by Dr. Spock. As a result, I slept with it until I got married, and still do once in a while.

She once tried, and I pitched a fit. She never mentioned it again. I thank her for that.

You have an awesome mom.

She's great in so many ways, and really abusive in others. I love her very much.

I'm at a crossroads of a lot of feelings of guilt about not wanting to let her suck the blood out of me now.

I wish it was just all loving, and she hadn't exploited and used me, and she hadn't ruined everything she couldn't control. I wish she could just be nice and non-toxic. I'd help her more then.

But, at least she didn't mess with my blanket.

Can a Narcissist be a great mother all in all?

I know you went through so much; wasn't there. Sort of understand you are seriously wounded from it all but how could you possibly explain everything about your feelings for your mother. So much history for you with your mom being 84 and all.

Of course you know this-- Most of us do the best we can and the most unlovable of us are likely quite sad inside. You talked about her having depression and of course, we have both read that narcissistic people are very insecure inside. When I hear all of your stories, it seems to me that you have done a lot for her. Don't feel guilty about needing boundaries. You're not perfect in that you can't help but react at times when she "pushes your buttons" but you always seem to forgive her enough to be there for her over and over.

I ran away from my mom as soon as I graduated high school and never returned home ever again so I admire how much you have done for your mom. You truly are a better person than I have ever been for honoring your mom despite all her problems.

Oh--and I hope the surgery turns out OK and that she isn't in to much pain from it. <<hugs to both of you>>

She's ok, thanks. Of course, she had a fight with the anesthesiologist. Who does that? Not wise to fight with the person about to hold your life in their hands!

She's her own worst enemy really. Smart and stupid.

She's said such amazingly abusive things to me and my sisters, and then when confronted with what she said, she denies ever having said it. Or she said "and I'd say it again".

But she's done so many acts of loving kindness, really.

I'm sorry you had such pure negativity you never looked back.

I'm glad she's OK.

My mom loved us very much; worked very hard. She was very strict and gave me very little privacy but her intentions were good. I was just more rebellious than my sister and a bit of a "tomboy" in some ways. She could never understand that I would go out the door sometimes without applying lipstick or brushing my hair. My mom and my sister were the types that hated to have the car windows down for fear it would mess up their hair. I loved going with my dad hunting and on trips into the forest to gather wood for the winter (my dad sawed, I carried it to the pickup truck). We had a cabin in that place since I was 5. The neighbor was building his house all by himself. He loved me because I would jump up in the morning, run over there and want to carry his tools for him all day long. I was thrilled to hold the tape measure whenever he needed to measure. Remember loving cowboy boots prior to 5 because they had no laces; I could get outside faster.
When we moved up there permanently, I had a horse. It was supposed to be my mom's but it bucked her off and she was afraid to ride it (partly because it really did injure her). I was bucked off on a regular basis but still rode it all of the time (young, flexible bones can take it). My sister would never take a chance like that in a million years. Sometimes, in high school, she would worry I was taking drugs though I didn't even drink then. She had good manners and was careful about her appearance.

I think lots of kids are ready to leave when they graduate high school and I simply picked the university that was the farthest away in my state (5 hour drive) plus I was a summer exchange student that summer and went into the miltary after I graduated from college. So, I WAS trying to get away when I graduated high school but life just sort of conspired in such a way that I never returned home ever again for more than about three weeks (even right before her death). It was more like she drove me crazy rather than feeling totally negative about the kind of person she was. She cared about us a lot just like your mom did.

I still have my own baby blanket, and the teddy bear I received when I was just a day old in the hospital. They've always been a constant in my life, especially Mr. Brown Bear (that's what I call my teddy). I have fond memories of taking both when I went places like Grandma's house as a little girl. Even though they are tattered and torn and falling apart, I still love them. They are my childhood in a nutshell.

I really don't give my mother enough credit here for what she did for her children--never treated her the way she deserved to be treated. That was my problem, not hers.

You went to her surgery with her. She is so lucky that you were there for her for that. Our mother's make us react in all sorts of ways. And kudos to you for recognizing the things she did right. Sugarcoating and overlooking things is not a genuine type of praise anyways.....

PS You once said you ocassionally resented your H for leaving you to take care of everything that needed to be done (I'm sure I'm not conveying this sentiment perfectly accurately). I view my mom's role this way. She took care of the "hard" things like discipline, keeping us on schedule, collecting rents, making us go to church, etc. She was a strong, determined, and passionate person. Very energetic, rarely rested. She certainly made my dad's life easier and without her help, he would not have been successful as he was.

It sounds like your attitude toward your mom is mature and wise. I think I can understand how you feel, as my mom had BPD. She could be absolutely insane, but then she could be so loving and caring. Like two people. Despite the abuse she sometimes dealt me, I miss her a great lot.

Was she diagnosed? I'm trying to understand BPD better.

I just had a conversation with my mom. It is so hard to even talk to her. I call her daily to check up on how she is doing (if I don't call often enough she gets mad, plus I do honestly care). She goes on a long rant about a fight with the nurse. Even though I ask her to just get to the point. And I apologize for being so blunt, but I can't stand the 20 minute rant of pointless detail. Then she starts bad-mouthing my step dad. I ask her to please stop bad-mouthing him, I will not listen to it. She says, "fine, everybody bad-mouths me!, yada yada rant rant, etc...". I just keep quiet. Nicely say, alright, I'll ttyl. End convo.

Yet sometimes, we can have such great conversations and she acts more normal. Although, she always has an extremely negative view about most everything. Not that she's wrong, tbh. She's learned from the School of Hard Knocks.

My sympathy with you.
Narcissists can be confusing people, I had a friend who has some narcissist tendencies.
They're like snakes, they cuddle you up with comfort, but it takes time to notice they're actually strangling you, so you run. On one hand, you're free from the strangling. On the other hand, it was comfortable before it felt bad. The snake is chasing you, but you're unsure whether it chases you to hurt you, or seek comfort with you.
They know how to get you, but don't know how to treat you. But perhaps sometimes there are "errors".

I'm sorry you have to go through this, yet perhaps it's the right thing to focus on the... "errors"?, and keep being the strong person as you are now.