Roll Call

I'm glad you're OK. Sometimes I go into denial mode, too, mostly if not denying is too overwhelming. It doesn't work for long, but it sometimes helps take the edge off things.

Hi folks... I have a kidney stone Fortunately it only hurts when I laugh... which isn't often...

I'm trying to think of myself as just a POV or a camera, like a silent observer and that I don't 'really exist', like I'm in a FPS videogame, if that makes sense.

I hope you recover soon.

it's been a long time since I posted here. Hi everyone. I've still not found a doctor who does hrt in Indiana, I've moved away from my mother's house. My dysphoria still hits me really hard. I'm glad to see everyone is still here. I missed you.

Good to hear from you, TheSeamster! I'm sorry that you haven't been able to find a doctor yet, that truly sucks! I'm crossing my fingers that you'll find one soon!

Seamster back:

she broke up with me....

during an xmas concert... SONGS ABOUT HEART BREAK AND BREAK UPS DO NOT HELP.... what was suppose to be a fun night turned into one of the worst...

((((((doppeling))))))

Doppeling

Oh my, so the story with my t gets worse. We had a nightmare of a session on Tuesday. I felt so attacked by him (he wasn't actually attacking me), I went to a really really bad place.

I felt like he wants to take my trans* identity away from me and talk me out of transitioning. That he doesn't accept me as who I (think) I am.

Now that I cooled off a little I think that was actually happened is a text book case of negative transference. Sheesh.

Hey... is anybody here? Sure seems to be quiet around this forum lately! I suppose everybody's busy getting ready for Christmas. The Skeezyks does not do Christmas! But, if he did, he knows 'd what he'd ask Santa for...

Hey Skeezyks. I'm here! I check frequently to see if someone's posted but a lot of times I just don't have it in me to reply or post much lately :/ Just not faring well at all. I'm trying to hang in there, but it's not easy.

Want to post about it?

I'm watching an Irish transgender film on YouTube. "My Transgender Journey documentary Ireland". It follows several trans individuals, both FtM & MtF. There is some discussion with regard to binding. I didn't realize this is so dangerous!

I've just really hit rock bottom recently. No real rhyme or reason to it either. It just is. I had a bit of a boost for a few hours but it seems to be wearing off rather quickly. My nurse case manager basically did not give me the option this time, if I get bad again, I gotta go in to the hospital. I reeeeally don't want to go so close to Christmas. I don't want to go at all anyways but you know :/ Not only does that put a damper on my family's spirit, but it's also very busy apparently. Long wait times. I've heard one person say how she waited there for 7 days. I dunno if it's that long this time but it probably won't be good. Sucks

Binding is safe when done properly but done with the wrong materials/too long/too hard it can be pretty dangerous. Otherwise it's just a pain in the hippopotamus. You're never truly free lol. I could go on and on about that one lol. Sounds like an interesting documentary, I should watch it.

I'm still here

Having a bit of a rough time myself... Christmas isn't helping. Family and all... I hit a bump with my therapist too and freaked out over it. In a way it was good, because it has both given us some clarity about the therapy process and our future work together. But it wasn't fun.

Sorry you're not doing well, Adespota. I totally understand about not wanting to go to hospital. I'm sending you lots of positive thoughts, you too Skeezyks.

I'll put a link to it here in Roll Call...



And here it is!

i actually have good news for once! I finally found a place that does informed consent. Meaning there is no 'gatekeeping' that comes with traditional treatment. No letters, no invasive questioning, no being cut off from your support network, AND they work with low income people! I AM SO PUMPED RIGHT NOW!

Thank you Kraken I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now. I hope things look up for you soon.

Thank you Skeezyks!! Looking forward to watching it

Seamster!!! That's totally awesome! HIGH FIVE YO!!!

Last week was my 6 month anniversary on hormones. I'm on a low dose of testosterone so the changes are slow in coming, but this is really important to me and I kept telling all of my friends (or at least the ones who know I take hormones) about making it six months. It's so exciting!!! There are a lot of things I still don't know about myself and I have a lot of worry and fear about the future but my path has been a good one.

That's great seraphic! Congrats on the six-month-t-versary

Wow Seraphic! That's fantastic!

I haven't been here in some time. Wowza. I haven't been on PC much, either, actually.

I'm struggling. I'm caught in an awkward stage where I finally want to put my foot down and say this is who I am, NOT this, but having been through so much in the past year - with the eating disorder manifesting, depression worsening, and social anxiety driving me to the brink of madness - I have retreated into myself. Sort of 'went back into the closet', so to speak. I am living as neither male nor female, but just 'as'. Genderless in many ways. There are genderless Pokemon, and I kind of feel like one of them. Except I'm not, because deep down I know I still identify as male, but recoming out feels strange.

I've realized that I get no respect. Even people who use the right name, refuse to use the right pronouns. They refuse to see me as anything but what my body suggests I 'should' be. This is causing me much stress. And has led to my withdrawal from... everything. And has led to much social anxiety and dysphoria. And when I tried explaining this to my pdoc, he shrugged it off. Leading me to even further withdrawal.

I want to stand up for who I am. I bought a binder online (I made sure it was one of the safe ones), and I've worn it in public once. It seems to work, but man are you guys right. It is... painful. There's not the feeling of crushed organs or anything. It's just... you can't help but be aware that it's there. Hard as heck to get on, too. I've figured out a way, but I still haven't pulled up the courage to wear it on a regular basis.

I know I am reaching a point... where I am ready to transition. I want to. The desire has never been so immense. The longing so strong. Things are holding me back, though. Funds (trans stuff is so bloody expensive), lack of courage, the realization that my own family cannot freaking respect my identity and at least use the right pronouns. But I want to. And I'm ready to. I cannot live... as this person I am not for much longer.

This turned into a much longer post than I anticipated. The gist is this... I've withdrawn from unhappiness, from dysphoria. I've withdrawn, but I'm here.

Hey bronzeowl, sorry it's going rough for you. Your pdoc doesn't sound very helpful. Is there any way you could discuss this with them again? Maybe it is time to look for someone else? I know this can be a tough decision and starting all over with someone new can be a difficult step.

As for binding, could your binder be too tight? It should stretch a little when you wear it more frequently. I know this sounds weird, but I almost feel comfortable in mine. Protected and held somehow, not crushed. I'm a small/skinny guy though.

Would you be able to discuss with your family why they use your chosen name but not the correct pronouns? It's understandable it's difficult for them, but they have to understand how difficult it is for you too.