I've been bad in my marriage

Hi,
I'm new to this site and am looking for support in learning to improve my behaviour in my marriage. To put it succinctly at this point. I've been passive-aggressive in many ways, have had temper tantrums for the past three years (last one was a couple of months ago), and have lied repeatedly.

It's been a struggle to understand the core issue behind all this but I believe that it is narcissistic aggression - I want to be in a superior position whereby my wife pampers my ego and is never critical otherwise I want to punish her in all the ways I've mentioned.

Does this pattern resonate with anyone here? I'd like to converse with others who have or had similar problems.

Hello Andy T: Welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I've been married for well over 30 years. Marital relationships can be difficult to maintain. There is so much give-&-take necessary... so much foregiveness required. I still struggle every day in one way or another. Sometimes I marvel that my wife has managed to put up with me for all these years. I trust that you will be able to find others, here on PC, with whom you will be able to share your hopes & concerns. I wish you all the best...

Welcome aboard AndyT. It sounds like you've gotten yourself into a bit of mess. I think it's important to understand that we all want to be pampered and feel special, but how we go about that is what's important.

Obviously I'm no therapist, but it does sound like you've gotten to be self-centered and at least at some level expect your wife to make you happy. We all know that she can't do that though and it has to come from inside you. I wonder if you developed this passive-aggressive method from childhood?

Anyway, the first thing I would suggest is trying to understand why you react like you do. Talking with a counselor could help you find the cause as well as give you insight on productive behaviors in your relationship.

Also, I would offer that you should consciously turn your mind toward making your wife happy. I find that I'm most happy when I'm making others happy in turn. Of course I get selfish at times, I much prefer the positive feedback I get when I do things for my wife than trying to have a battle of wills.

Thanks for your good wishes Skeezyks.

Thanks Webgoji. This is very good advice. I too have noticed that I'm happiest when when I'm most loving and I've been making conscious efforts to be loving and helpful. These go moderately well until there is some sort of conflict - maybe my wife criticises me for something or asks me to do something I don't want to do. Then I often immediately revert to being conniving or aggressive in an indirect way. This might sound strange but the best thing I can do when she criticises me is to say "How dare you!" in a funny, exaggerated way and then make a reasonable reply. Once the anger has been expressed, I can then be more humble and honest. In the heat of the moment, I often forget to do this.

Thanks for the recommendation Onward. I'll check it out on amazon.

I effectively punish my wife for challenging me: criticising me and asking me to do things I don't want to do. In my early life I was a reasonably well-behaved boy and was left to get on with my self with little parental pressure. It seems like I want to recreate this even though I'm 60 years old and have been married for 18 years! You would have thought I would be more mature by now.

My wife and I have struggled to name what is wrong with me. I do feel regret and shame - especially for the lying, the tantrums and the impact this all has on my wife and our marriage. The tantrums have disappeared for the past two months, by the way. I would say that I am self-centred and relatively unempathic (despite having been a counsellor myself and a lifelong Buddhist!)

I'm a Buddhist myself and often have to explain to people that we practice Buddhism. I'm by no means a Buddha so I keep practicing even though I'm not very good at it.

But that said, you mentioned that you were well behaved and had little parental pressure. Now when you're criticized you move to being aggressive in a conniving and indirect manner. You know what it sounds like?

You were a good kid and you're probably a great adult to be around. And because of that ... ... you never had to learn to deal with direct conflict. Especially when your self-cherishing mind feels it's attacked.

It also sounds like you're starting to develop a good method of dealing with it. When criticized you need to be able to address the feelings so by immediately using something that helps diffuse your anger and then being able to talk it over is very important.

So keep working on that! Your practice will help you learn to see when that mind of anger is starting to rear up and at that time you can call your "time out" (How dare you) and discuss your feelings with your wife. The rest of the time, you can focus on making her happy as you mentioned. I think you've got a good plan in action. Just keep practicing and stay aware of your mind.

(And I also suggest the Love Languages good. It's really cool to see them in action when you understand how they work.)

Yes, I have narcissistic / prideful impulses that I give into when criticised. I also seem to have low self-esteem in terms of not asking for what I want / need, avoiding saying my opinions, avoiding trying to learn new things, etc. One book that was helpful wrote about giving oneself compassion to deal with the shame of what we've done and I did focus on that for a while.

I invested a lot of my self-esteem in earning good money and providing for the family but my career focus has left me undeveloped as a person - a bit of a pathetic figure in fact.

Many thanks for your good wishes. Are you trying anything to overcome your passive-aggression?

I've had too many problems to count. Yes, you're in the right place and doing the right thing to talk about how you feel inside. My first marriage ended in shambles. My second marriage is going strong after 23 years. I'm here because I have problems too, so I'm surely not a "holier than thou" kind of person. But I can say that the first step to fixing things is acknowledging you have something you need to fix. Congrats!

Even though you have been a counsellor, have you been to a counsellor?

I've had similar issues. Although lying hasn't been that much of an issue for me (if anything, she has an issue with being completely transparent and genuine). I have thrown tantrums, try to make everything about me, and can be and have been passive-aggressive.

It's also helped me to practice philosophy, but my choice is Stoicism.

It may be a little different for me, because I know my wife isn't perfect. The way is see it is that we're both imperfect people who are attempting to work together in our marriage. When she screws up, I let her know it, as directly (and kindly) as I can. And I expect nothing less from her.

My tantrums were a way of saying you are not giving me want I want . I felt that to really engage on an emotional level it was necessary for me to rant / rage .