Might I have narc traits? Where do I go from here?

I have been debating with myself for a good while about whether to post here or not.

I have been diagnosed with BPD (and depression but it is irrelevant for this post) and I understand, accept and agree with the diagnosis. It is a relatively recent thing therefore I have a fairly short history of being more or less self-aware and actually researching personality disorders.

It has been very challenging to see how BPD affected my relationships with significant others - those I loved - and the picture is somewhat typical with all the clinging and neediness.

However, these patterns only apply to a number of my relationships - those with men I loved, admired, gave control over to.

That said, there is a good 70% of my past relationships that were actually designed very, very differently! Relationships in which I was in full control, master of life and death. Relationships that were in no way fulfilling to me but rather amusing and - no doubt - absolute heaven balancing on a knife's edge for the man involved. I'm talking about men who strived to be good enough for me, men I never really took seriously, men who thought I was the absolute pinnacle of all creation.
Men who felt beyond fortunate to be associated with me in the minutest ways...

My understanding of NPD comes mostly from talks with mental health pros, reading posts here and on PF and being somewhat familiar with Sam Vaknin's work.

I found that I can relate more than what I am comfortable with.

I believe I am NOT capable of "equal" love. I am either submissively vulnerable to a man I adore and admire without limits (no, the guy HAS to be on top of his game, I do NOT fall for losers) or it is the other way round; I am the alpha and omega.

In the second case, I must say I am unable to feel love, respect or even just compassion. The simple fact that someone needs me that much makes me feel somewhat disgusted, claustrophobic and definitely spiteful of said person.

I have ended a number of relationships with such men and I found their pathetic efforts to hold on repulsive. I have cut off some of them in rather awful ways, feeling literally contaminated by their nauseating clinginess.

My best interpretation is that I am a borderline with ice cold narcissist traits.

I can fully, FULLY relate to BOTH sets of experiences.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts,

Edda

Idealization and devaluation, going back and forth between those two extremes, is very common in BPD. With me personally, I never idealize anyone, my default mode is devaluing people and that's how it's always been for me.

It's possible to have more than one PD. I'm not a professional so I can't diagnose you obviously, but in my opinion it sounds like you have more than "just" BPD going on here.

I'd encourage you to keep talking about this, the more awareness you have of yourself and how you "work" so to speak, the better. If you ever want to talk about any of this privately my inbox is open.

Approximately 25% of people with BPD also have NPD. Of course that also means that appprx 25% of the people with NPD also have BPD

The two really do compliment each other, like a horse and carriage. I suspect the two are even more common but people like this rarely seek help. The two combined together still presents the question of is one more dominant then the other in you? Which is more prevalent in you? In my case it's just too close to tell.

How can you tell if you have any narcissistic traits in you? You will know. The biggest indicator is if you ever feel any grandiose or entitlement. Are you constantly involved in thoughts and fantasies of power, wealth, and control? Do you expect or demand admiration? If you have any of these traits, no matter how strong your BPD traits are I am willing to bet you NEVER self harm and are appalled at being considered needy and or clingy. If this makes you ill just hearing this, u may be a Narc too.

So what BPD traits can a narc have? Abandonment is the biggie, it's just we can cover it better. In fact just about all of them except the suicidal, self harm and needy/clingy stuff. Your probably very highly functional verses the conventional BPD. You can thank your narc side for that

Almost forgot the empathy thing. If you can turn it off and on, more off then on, guess what..

Well you see I was apparently wrong. My latest doctor doubts very much I am BPD. Not enough in common he said. Definitely NPD. I do plan on getting a third opinion as I have a ADHD exam scheduled. This is why I really do not place that much weight in psychiatry.

You sound more NPD than BPD to me just from what little I've seen of your posts here. I've gotten diagnosed with both BPD and NPD, so I just figure I have both(I can't deny that I fit the criteria for both of them hahaha) and go with it. I don't put too much weight in psychiatry either especially when it comes to personality disorders.

Learning of my tactics that always seemed normal are anything but. The ways to dominate and create a world for ourselves and the ones close to us are almost ingenious. At the same time the issues we have that make us who we are are so screwed up as well. My therapy sessions are what I create as well. My first therapist who I have moved away from brought me down. Took me to a place I have never been or allowed myself to be. I left soon thereafter to find a new one. This time I control the sessions, she constantly tells me how great work I have done in such a short time and yes this is me. I tried to run from this after learning, I am who I am though just understanding the modification parts. I wish I could feel the way normal people do. I wish I did not have to be in control or worry about being perfect with many things. Here I am 9 months in to therapy and medication and my feelings have not changed. The hurt I can inflict is so wrong but yet I still let it happen. When I do it makes me feel on top even though I am doing this to somebody I really do love. If you are a narc, what can you do?? Deal with it by understanding it. If you like it then don't worry about it. Me as a n would not accept my own self to be weak, depressed or something to that effect. This would shatter myself if one of my docs told me otherwise and yet it really is simple to get what I want out of them. Is this the right way to be? Definitely not but once again we are who we are!!

Thank you, people for all your contribution.

For the life of me I cannot get to the core of this urge in me but I do need a clear and adaptable mental model of what's going on with me. I guess finding the appropriate terms would give me the basis for my research and some control over this mayhem... Hence my fondness of diagnosis...

I have to say, the borderline part of me is profound, genuine and majorly significant. I do get overwhelmed. I do get suicidal. I get into a self-harming frenzy. I also fall apart enough to post terribly lame cries of despair here. Cries to which I cannot accept any comforting responses - I am actually nauseated by the "hugs"...

I do have major identity issues. I do end up being psychotic when I push myself. I do hear malevolent growls, I am in an eternal dance with a possessive "presence" and I consult my dog on a regular basis about whether the pony in my bedroom is real or not.

With all that said, I know, I just know that I am f***ing brilliant! That no matter how ****, down, misunderstood, unrecognized I feel, I am actually quite damn brilliant.

I will not repeat what I said in my OP but I am plagued by the realization. Yes, I did use, gut, and discard men.

I guess I am posting because I have come to the understanding that bpd and narc traits have had just about equal influence on my life and in many ways it is actually down to me which part I might allow to win.

I do have a powerful sense of entitlement and grandiosity. I do have very limited ability to identify with people I perceive as inferior. That said, I am able to experience "cerebral empathy" - identifying with people's pain and distress, provided that they aren't in any way involved with me.

Well...

I intend to carry on talking. I do wish to find out whether my diagnosis is actually correct but beyond all; I wish to be a happy person with some significance.

I am very curious about finding out whether a fully fledged bpd person with well recognized narc traits has the chance to make a choice and shift their values from "victim" to "being in control".

Please chip in.

Why plagued by it? Why not just accept that this is a part of your nature and just work with it instead of being haunted by it?

You can make a choice, that's the beauty of life. You always have choices. You don't have to be a victim to the BPD part of you, it takes hard work to break free from that **** but it can be done. If you want to do it then do it.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you're having trouble with "integrating" your BPD side and your NPD side, so to speak?

Strength is in weakness. The strongest people I have met were ones suffering from terminal cancer - they were weak both mentally and physically - they were frightened and in pain but through their weakness they demonstrated the most incredible bravery and strength - so humbling and enlightening. Never be afraid to weak - we are all essentially so at some time or other - but in weakness we learn, we grow and we are strong!

I think simple label of personality disorder could be a misnomer. I think you would do better with a personality assessment. You could be under a lot of stress, making you behave in negative ways, whereas you would be different otherwise.
I don't like how a lot of personality disorder framework is reliant on giving up a lot of your autonomy and therefore not much you yourself can work with.
If you can't find the help, you're kind of screwed with damning yourself in the mean time.

If you mean weak as in giving in, then I agree, it is relaxing.
You also need fair amount of positivity to be at working capacity so treat yourself well.