[miragex]

Background
-----------
I am not exactly sure where to post this, so I thought I post it here. I am a married man and have a daughter who is just a few months old. I secretly got in to an affair with one of my colleagues at work. No one knows about this except the both of us but people at work have their doubts because of our body language when we are with each other. This has been going on for about 6 months now but the fact is that she never really loved me till about a couple of months back. She also had other affairs going on even when she was with me.

Many times I have felt that she is lying to me and I have told this to her openly as well. When ever I persisted, she would open up a bit and admit to that particular lie in discussion. At times her lies would be totally unnecessary and unrelated to either of us, like a death in her family or some one's illness etc. I believed I could change her and be a positive influence on her. I succeeded. She changed and she opened up her heart to me. She told me everything about her right from her childhood, all her affairs and the extend of those relationships and how she was just playing around with their lives for no reason. She never really loved any of those guys and just went it with the flow of things. It was as if she was a total flirt and she would accept a proposal from any one. But now she changed all that and loves me sincerely from all her heart.

She even told me that she was on Clomipramine for about 6 years now. She is 21 now and taking 100mg per day. I asked if she knew what it was for and she said she had no idea what it was so she stopped taking it a couple of weeks ago. We searched on the internet and found out that it shouldn't be stopped without consulting a doctor. So we decided she will continue again and she agreed she will. (Later on she told me that she hadn't started taking it yet because it was not available)

The Problem
-------------
I made a huge mistake by doubting her again. I doubted her and felt she is lying again and told her that I don't want to continue the relationship with her because I lost hope in her. She threatened me that she will kill herself if I left her because I meant more than her life to her. Obviously I was hurt with the thought that she is continuing to lie to me repeatedly. So I was really rude to her when she said she is going to die. At that point, all I could think of was that I deserved to be treated like that for cheating on my wife.

The following day I came to know that she had tried to commit suicide. Her parents had heard her and they broke open the door to find her hanging. They got her off and she reacted very violently. Destroying almost everything in her room and screaming out loud. She was immediately taken to a psychiatrist. They had to administer electric shock and after a while she regained her senses later on in the day.

I was shattered when she rang me up later in the day and she told me what happened. She said she can not live without me and she will try to kill herself again so that I can live happily with my family. She is scheduled to see a psychiatrist for further treatment. She is in such a bad state and probably because of her mental health, she could even tell everyone about our relationship.

Now I don't know what to do. I don't want her to die. I want her to live and be happy. I really care for her and I love her as well but at the same time I can never leave my wife and family. They mean a lot to me too and I am a very respected person in society. I am not the type that would cheat on my wife and I was not looking for an affair because my wife means so much to me. I could sense this lady was in a mess when I met her and I only thought of helping her out and to help her get out of her meaningless life. We both didnt reallze how or when we fell for each other. It just happened.

I even told her what I am going through and she said she doesn't want anything more from me than my love. She promised she will never come between me and my family and never ruin my life. All she is asking me is for my love. She is alright with the fact that we can't be together in public and society but when ever we are alone together, she wants us to behave like husband and wife.

Now that she is going through this mental crisis, I am really scared for her. What is she going through. Will she improve with treatment. What should I do.

I AM COMPLETELY LOST. HELP!!!!

[gimmeice]

Hello miragex, it's nice to meet you, welcome to psych central.
It sounds like you really care about this woman. What first comes to mind for me is that maybe you ought to ask yourself some important questions about this situation. Like, is this kind of relationship really healthy for this woman? She is having to live her love life in secret. Is this relationship healthy for you? Are you willing to continue this relationship for a long time? There are probably more questions that would be helpful but you get the general idea, when you are in doubt of something it is best to ask yourself the hard questions and answer them honestly.
I am sending you some hugs

[VickiesPath]

Hello Miragex and welcome,

I can surely empathize with where you are at and only imagine the stress it is causing you. To be perfectly frank with you, I found myself in a similar situation many, many years ago and as they say, hindsight is 20/20. I would like to quote part of your post:

"I want her to live and be happy. I really care for her and I love her as well but at the same time I can never leave my wife and family. They mean a lot to me too and I am a very respected person in society. I am not the type that would cheat on my wife and I was not looking for an affair because my wife means so much to me. I could sense this lady was in a mess when I met her and I only thought of helping her out and to help her get out of her meaningless life. We both didnt reallze how or when we fell for each other. It just happened."

Sweetheart: Even though you say that you are not the type who would cheat on your wife, the fact is you did. You also say you could tell this lady was a mess, yet you became involved with her anyway only to help her out? It is important that you look carefully at these facts and, although this was not planned, you must accept what you did and you must accept responsibility for your actions.

You have some very difficult decisions to make and I would suggest that you get some supportive advice. Find a therapist to help you sort this out. I'm serious. You are into this in a deep way and could lose a lot in the process. You could lose your girlfriend, your wife and your child.

We care about you here, Miragex. By the way, I am 56 years old and have been married four times. I have made many, many mistakes in my life so I have much experience behind what I am saying to you.

Not meaning to offend you in any way.

[Junerain]

Mental health can be a mindfield, a scary one, where one wrong choice can send you down a path that leads to a dark place, where you have found yourself....

Take care of YOU, get therapy, take care of yourself as if YOU are the person who needs a little reaching out, to.....

Decisions will come when you are in a better place, mentally, emotionally, spiritually..

Right focus on your health, therapy, and keep posting here, I care and I do not judge

We are all human and have all made poor choices many times, your was no poorer than a woman who cheats and/or someone who just reaches out to help another and falls in love in the process........

[Slippers]

Oh dear. I agree that you need to get yourself into therapy to help you clear your head, get some psychoeducation, and help you make important decisions.

In an ideal world your #1 priority right now would be your new baby, and helping out that new mom. Who do you think is your #1 priority? Where is your attention focused? Therapy can help you break this seemingly unhealthy connection, and determine why it occurred in the first place.

And that poor girl is very ill, and needs *professional* help - not your help.

S

[Shangrala]

HI miragex~

I agree with all the responses received. Seeking therapy for yourself, concentrating on what has motivated you to allow this to go as far as it has, would be your first and best tactic at this point.

You stated:
"She is in such a bad state and probably because of her mental health, she could even tell everyone about our relationship".

Something that I also thought about regarding your involvement with this girl, and considering her mental status at this point in time, I couldn't help but to take into consideration that because of the fact that she isn't emotionally/mentally stable, it's a tough call on if it isn't beyond herself TO create further problems for you, (whether or not they are intentional).

Sometimes, our best intentions become our worst deeds. I should know, I've made my fair share of them.

From the sound of it, she's in a place receiving the help she so needs. And it doesn't sound like there is much you can do for her at this time. With that said, the best that you can do for her is to seek professional assistance for yourself. Regain the control you had before you met this girl and securing what your priorities ARE = your wife and child.

I can so relate to what you are going through...been there done that, in a sense. I know of the complications from playing the mercenary. Through all of my hardships of availing myself to the aide of those troubled, I've learned how easy it is to lose sight of self in the process, and allowing self to get tangled up in a mess of matters that started out as a generous deed, yet ended up in a disaster of sorts. Sounds to me that this is what may have happened to you.

It's wonderful that you have attempted to help this girl to find a better existance, unfortunately, though, you cannot create happiness FOR her. That is her journey to seek for herself. Granted, you can guide her, but only she can obtain it.....but NOT at the cost of another, such as in your case. You are sacraficing your morals and values, crossing your own boundaries and chancing to lose what matters most to you for the sake of another who "might" benefit from this.

You also stated:
"Now that she is going through this mental crisis, I am really scared for her. What is she going through. Will she improve with treatment. What should I do".
I can relate to you being fearful for her. But, as already mentioned, she is presently in a position where she is receiving the care she requires.
In all honesty, I'm more concerned about YOUR present status. Will YOU improve? Can you obtain the necessary assistance that you DO need in order to ensure your own self, (back to where you feel secure about your life again).
You love your wife and child? They are what matters most. Use that as your center point. Focus on that. Use that to maintian direction. Ask yourself, "How will I be IF I lost them?" "Is this girl worth that sacrafice?"

Don't get me wrong....there is nothing wrong about helping someone in a time of crisis. However, there is something wrong when that crisis demands that you deny yourself your own sense of security, maybe?

I apologise if I might sound a little brass, or blunt. NOT my intention. It's just, I've been down that road so many times before that it has literally altered my own journey. The only sad thing about my experiences are, that they were in vain. I tried to help those who couldn't help themselves. And I honestly thought I was doing a good thing. At the time, I was. Intentions were genuine, but results were detrimental to MYself.

I wish you the best. Keep us informed. We all care and are here for you.

Shangrala

[miragex]

Thank you all for your very frank replies. I sincerely appreciate them and for sharing your experiences with me.

As almost every one suggested, its true that we all know what is right and what is wrong. Breaking a moral code has consequences and here I am facing them. And to make things worse, when I tried to make everything alright, I can't because she is not mentally stable any more. I mean, I can be really cruel to her and even when she says my name in public, I can deny it saying she is not mentally stable and somehow get away. Besides, she has a very bad reputation at our work place for lying to almost everyone. So much that no one believes her even if she says the truth. In fact, that is one of the reasons that I actually wanted to do something about her character. I wanted to change her to be a better human being and to correct her moral values. But in the process, it ended up like this. Its not as if I was taking advantage of her vulnerability. I mean if I was just a flirt, I could have just "used" her and moved on. In fact it was the other way round. Initially, I was just another "victim" for her and she continued to toy with my emotions.

So its not that I don't have a way to get away but I don't want to do it that way. I am responsible for all this, and I don't want to walk away leaving her like this.

I used to keep warning her about the future of our relationship and her secret life there after almost every day but then her reply was that I mean the world to her and that she is ready to face anything and everything for me. But then again, I don't want to walk away saying that "I warned her. so its all her fault". I am equally responsible and I admit it.

My basic problem is that I know what I am doing is wrong; its a mistake and I want to correct it. If I had to choose between her and my wife, my wife is the choice. But at the same time, I don't want this girl to die or have any mental problems because it. I am responsible for her condition mainly because all I did was guide her from one mistake to another. So I want to make sure that I give her life back to her.

Some of the options that I thought about are:

1) Continue like this till she is stable and then tell her whats really going on - but this has the risk of her becoming unstable again.
2) Continue in the relationship but be less involved. Like keep myself occupied, spend lesser time together in person and over phone. Gradually going away from her and make her realize its not working anymore for both of us. Or even talk more about my wife and daughter when we are together so that she realizes that they are always on my mind.
3) Change my job and relocate to another state. But then there is no guarantee that she won't follow me.
4) As suggested by some of you, I could get professional help for myself first but the only reason why I feel I shouldn't is because I am here discussing it. Yes, I am confused and unable to find the perfect solution but I guess I am still thinking straight and going in the right direction. Maybe a few pills and counseling will take care of my mental state but I don't think it changes the situation at hand.

So, given the situation, I guess the second option is my best bet.

[Michah]

Miragex......hi there and welcome......

The first and fundamental basis that popped out at me was manipulation.......manipulation of feelings, situations, time, lives......from all directions.

Manipultaion has outcomes that are rarely a reflection of the real thing......manipulation also comes in the guise of deception and self-preservation.

We cannot help who we fall in love with, but we do control the outcome.......you have much more self-power than you think.......some time for honest reflection, insight, emotional consequence(for others, including yourself) will bring some peace to you and some much needed clarity......

You love and you are loved.......but one must start loving ONESELF.......ask the question, why did I "fall into love with someone else?".......it has more to do with how you feel about you....... than with anyone else......

Forgive, seek forgiveness, love unconditionally and make PEACE with yourself........remove the conflict....... the manipulation. Do not take responsibility for anothers actions.......

Look inside for the answers......

“At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.”Taoist Proverb

Take good care, and you are precious......start to treat yourself that way and all else will follow.

In stillness,

Michah

Originally Posted by miragex

And to make things worse, when I tried to make everything alright, I can't because she is not mentally stable any more. I mean, I can be really cruel to her and even when she says my name in public, I can deny it saying she is not mentally stable and somehow get away. Besides, she has a very bad reputation at our work place for lying to almost everyone. So much that no one believes her even if she says the truth. In fact, that is one of the reasons that I actually wanted to do something about her character. I wanted to change her to be a better human being and to correct her moral values. But in the process, it ended up like this.

Miragex.....

This breacks my heart ... I would meditate on these words you just wrote .What it says about you to you.

To me they show a man who had sex with a woman he had no respect for and had no intention of making a comitment to and is trig to make her be a person who would be respectable by his side.



You might concider telling your wife about this because she deserves to know who you really are and make desisions about your future together.

And I would get some professional help for yourself and focus on you.

My heart goes out to your 21 year old friend, She has a hard road ahead of her full of greif and sadness over how she has let herself be treated by men.
And as much as she is sharing her pain it is her road alone to bear and you are just a present pice of the entire show.

I hope she gets good professional help and by some grace heal her heart and learn how not to get herself into another No win situation .
Everyone is deserving and deserves a deeply loving committed relationship . Its unfortunate some have learned they are not worthy of this love. yet strive and hope to find it someday.

I'm one of them and my time left is short.

excuse my boldness.

I wish you well,

Patricia

[Shangrala]

Hi again, miragex~

I can't help but to agree with Michah when she said, "We cannot help who we fall in love with, but we do control the outcome", and "manipulation also comes in the guise of deception and self-preservation".

You truly DO have more self-power than you think. And some honest reflection is in order to put this in proper perspective.

In your reply post, you have repeatedly stated the guilt that you are carrying regarding this situation. Yes. You are guilty, but for YOUR own actions, not for hers. You should not feel responsible for her actions and choices. It is not your fault that this has happened.

As you've mentioned, you were well aware of her ALREADY existing unstable mental status, therefore you cannot fault yourself for her behavior. Sure, you were directly involved, but that does not mean that you are the cause.
Chances are great that if it wasn't you, it would would have been someone else. You cannot deny that fact. And with that as fact, so should you accept the realization that that only means that you simply are not the cause. And once that realization is recognized and understood, then responsibility of behavior is appointed to the rightful owner = HER.

You've said it yourself, "And to make things worse, when I tried to make everything alright, I can't because she is not mentally stable any more".

I apologize now if I come across as overly-blunt, but, I can't help but to ask you, do you realize what your message really is saying?

Lord knows, I trust the fact that your intentions were not to take advantage of her vulnerability. You have clearly shown that your heart was in the right place regarding her, however, there is only so much you can do for her. And to take it upon yourself to "make her a better human being and to correct her moral values" is an unrealistic and unattainable quest for YOU to seek. No one can "make" any other person "be" anything...regardless of how much of ourselves we invest.

It is NOT your responsibility to walk this path of hers. And it certainly is not your fault that she is where she is at present. SHE placed her own self there. You just happened to be directly involved at that specific time.

I feel badly for you, as I've been there myself and can so relate to the guilt you are feeling. However, I have hindsight as my ali now, which took me a few repetitions to finally acquire, and it is my tool now that shelters me from walking that same dead end path.
I realize that not all situations are the same; I cannot say what failed for me will for you, as well. But I do recognize all the signs, and you have so clearly stated them in your posts.
I can't help but to feel badly for the girl all the same, as she is clearly struggling with some serious personal issues, and is once again only feeling as though she is repeating her self-destructive behavior...just with a new person....you.
You've stated:
"My basic problem is that I know what I am doing is wrong; its a mistake and I want to correct it".
It seems to me that your basic problem is that you are feeling responsible for the wrong reasons. Yes, it is a mistake. And the only way you can correct this is to take responsibility for your OWN self. Attend to your own guilt for YOUR own behavior. In all honesty, that seems to be your only resolution to this entire situation.
"If I had to choose between her and my wife, my wife is the choice. But at the same time, I don't want this girl to die or have any mental problems because it".
Of course you don't want her to die. You care alot about her. No one would want that for anyone. However, she already has mental issues, LONG before you. You cannot accept responsibility for something which existed BEFORE you.
I am responsible for her condition mainly because all I did was guide her from one mistake to another. So I want to make sure that I give her life back to her".
Again, you are NOT responsible for something already exisiting. You have willfully included yourself into a pre-existing circumstance, and until you accept that realization, you will undoubtedly continue to only add to this by appointing yourself the blame for something that is not rightfully yours.

Give her life "back" to her? When did you "take" it? HOW did you take it?
Seems that you have deputized yourself as her savior and cannot see beyond that?

It is clear that you have given this some thought just through the inclusions of your 4 options. It is also very clear that you have bound yourself to this self-appointed quest of yours, regardless of the realities of it simply by stating that you have chosen your option #2.

With that, I can only hope the best for you. That your experience is nothing like mine have been, and that you do not lose what means most to you in the process.
Be aware that you are in for a very long journey ahead. That this girl may more than likely seek deeper refuge in your assistance, regardless of how much you try to "make" her see the reality of it. That your presence alone, regardless of how seldom it is, will send her the message that there is still hope, (therefore, possibly providing her reasons to continue to manipulate you...no matter intentfully, or not). That because of her "need" of you, she may very likely be unfavorably reactive to your attempts of easing into breaking away from her, (thus increasing the chance of threatening your home life).

So many possibilities can result, so few seemingly favorable for you....all because of an initial good deed.

There is one thing that Michah also mentioned, that I believe you may want to apply serious contemplation:
"Manipultaion has outcomes that are rarely a reflection of the real thing".

I also have to include the thought of this girl, and what she must be going through. The thought of the confusion she must be experiencing, and the false sense of hope that she is seeking to obtain. It can only lead her to futher emotional turmoil. My heart goes out to her.

I'll shaddup now....lol. I've more than repeated my point several times.

Again, I sincerely wish you the very best. And that it truly does work out FAR better than any of mine ever have.
I apologize for seeming so cynical.....that is so not me. I suppose it's not so much my focusing on the doom of this scenerio, but only reflecting on the same repeated outcomes of said scenerio....hard to ignor that reality.
I wish you a far better outcome.

All the best....

Shangrala

[miragex]

Originally Posted by auroralso

Miragex.....

This breacks my heart ... I would meditate on these words you just wrote .What it says about you to you.

To me they show a man who had sex with a woman he had no respect for and had no intention of making a comitment to and is trig to make her be a person who would be respectable by his side.



You might concider telling your wife about this because she deserves to know who you really are and make desisions about your future together.

And I would get some professional help for yourself and focus on you.

My heart goes out to your 21 year old friend, She has a hard road ahead of her full of greif and sadness over how she has let herself be treated by men.
And as much as she is sharing her pain it is her road alone to bear and you are just a present pice of the entire show.

I hope she gets good professional help and by some grace heal her heart and learn how not to get herself into another No win situation .
Everyone is deserving and deserves a deeply loving committed relationship . Its unfortunate some have learned they are not worthy of this love. yet strive and hope to find it someday.

I'm one of them and my time left is short.

excuse my boldness.

I wish you well,

Patricia

First of all, I appreciate your bold reply but I would also appreciate it if you didn't assume things. Maybe your assumption is based on your real experience and I am really sorry for you.

I was only looking at the various options I have in hand and what you quoted is something I DO NOT want to do. I don't know how you assumed that I had sex with her and was just using her without any respect for her. Just to let you know, when I met her, she was a girl who broke the heart and mind of MANY men for her personal gains. She had no commitment what so ever in ANY of those relationships and she had multiple affairs going on at the same time. A couple of those men have even hurt themselves because of what she did to them.

So here I was feeling bad for this girl who is just in her early 20s and in stead of who just wrote her off like every one else, I decided to help her out in any way I could. Those days we used to talk a lot about her previous experiences and gradually she told me that she wants to change and be better person. She was the first to even propose me which I did not encourage at first but later on when she said that she needs to be a part of her new life, I fell for it. And you know what Patricia? Even that was a lie (the previous experiences she told me and we broke our heads on, her feelings for me etc. every thing was a lie) which she accepted when I found out that she was having an affair with another person.

Here you have a girl who says she loves me with all her heart and want me to be a part of her "new life" and at the same time she is having an affair with another guy!! How bad is that Patricia ? But you know what, I still didn't give up on her. I told her that I will still be there for her if she needs my help.

Maybe thats what really changed her and guess that is when she truly starting loving me. Those days I used to keep reminding her of the consequences of the relationship and did try to avoid the relationship but I accept I wasn't straight forward about it.

Even though she did continue to lie to me for small small things, over all she had changed. And I felt proud of myself for what I had done but the problem started when I fell in love with her as well. Again, we are talking about love here and not about sex.

I don't deny the fact that I shouldn't have got in to a relationship with her because I am already married. Many times I did feel guilty of what I was doing. I couldn't face my wife or even look her in the eye. I even discussed this with this girl but she said she will never ruin my family but at the same time she can't let me go either. So this was going on and off for sometime. The bubble burst when I "thought" she was lying to me again and thats when I decided to break the relationship. And thats when she tried to kill herself.

The mistake that I made here is that I should have minded my business and let her destroy her life the way she was. I should not have tried to change her and I should have never fell in love with her and destroy her future. I accept my mistakes and thats why I am even here discussing how I can correct myself. I am completely responsible for what i did and deserve what I am going through right now.

Please don't assume that I was using her and that I dont care about what she is going through now. If I didn't care for her, why should I be even here.

[miragex]

Originally Posted by Shangrala

Hi again, miragex~

I can't help but to agree with Michah when she said, "We cannot help who we fall in love with, but we do control the outcome", and "manipulation also comes in the guise of deception and self-preservation".

You truly DO have more self-power than you think. And some honest reflection is in order to put this in proper perspective.

In your reply post, you have repeatedly stated the guilt that you are carrying regarding this situation. Yes. You are guilty, but for YOUR own actions, not for hers. You should not feel responsible for her actions and choices. It is not your fault that this has happened.

As you've mentioned, you were well aware of her ALREADY existing unstable mental status, therefore you cannot fault yourself for her behavior. Sure, you were directly involved, but that does not mean that you are the cause.
Chances are great that if it wasn't you, it would would have been someone else. You cannot deny that fact. And with that as fact, so should you accept the realization that that only means that you simply are not the cause. And once that realization is recognized and understood, then responsibility of behavior is appointed to the rightful owner = HER.

You've said it yourself, "And to make things worse, when I tried to make everything alright, I can't because she is not mentally stable any more".

I apologize now if I come across as overly-blunt, but, I can't help but to ask you, do you realize what your message really is saying?

Lord knows, I trust the fact that your intentions were not to take advantage of her vulnerability. You have clearly shown that your heart was in the right place regarding her, however, there is only so much you can do for her. And to take it upon yourself to "make her a better human being and to correct her moral values" is an unrealistic and unattainable quest for YOU to seek. No one can "make" any other person "be" anything...regardless of how much of ourselves we invest.

It is NOT your responsibility to walk this path of hers. And it certainly is not your fault that she is where she is at present. SHE placed her own self there. You just happened to be directly involved at that specific time.

I feel badly for you, as I've been there myself and can so relate to the guilt you are feeling. However, I have hindsight as my ali now, which took me a few repetitions to finally acquire, and it is my tool now that shelters me from walking that same dead end path.
I realize that not all situations are the same; I cannot say what failed for me will for you, as well. But I do recognize all the signs, and you have so clearly stated them in your posts.
I can't help but to feel badly for the girl all the same, as she is clearly struggling with some serious personal issues, and is once again only feeling as though she is repeating her self-destructive behavior...just with a new person....you.
You've stated:
"My basic problem is that I know what I am doing is wrong; its a mistake and I want to correct it".
It seems to me that your basic problem is that you are feeling responsible for the wrong reasons. Yes, it is a mistake. And the only way you can correct this is to take responsibility for your OWN self. Attend to your own guilt for YOUR own behavior. In all honesty, that seems to be your only resolution to this entire situation.
"If I had to choose between her and my wife, my wife is the choice. But at the same time, I don't want this girl to die or have any mental problems because it".
Of course you don't want her to die. You care alot about her. No one would want that for anyone. However, she already has mental issues, LONG before you. You cannot accept responsibility for something which existed BEFORE you.
I am responsible for her condition mainly because all I did was guide her from one mistake to another. So I want to make sure that I give her life back to her".
Again, you are NOT responsible for something already exisiting. You have willfully included yourself into a pre-existing circumstance, and until you accept that realization, you will undoubtedly continue to only add to this by appointing yourself the blame for something that is not rightfully yours.

Give her life "back" to her? When did you "take" it? HOW did you take it?
Seems that you have deputized yourself as her savior and cannot see beyond that?

It is clear that you have given this some thought just through the inclusions of your 4 options. It is also very clear that you have bound yourself to this self-appointed quest of yours, regardless of the realities of it simply by stating that you have chosen your option #2.

With that, I can only hope the best for you. That your experience is nothing like mine have been, and that you do not lose what means most to you in the process.
Be aware that you are in for a very long journey ahead. That this girl may more than likely seek deeper refuge in your assistance, regardless of how much you try to "make" her see the reality of it. That your presence alone, regardless of how seldom it is, will send her the message that there is still hope, (therefore, possibly providing her reasons to continue to manipulate you...no matter intentfully, or not). That because of her "need" of you, she may very likely be unfavorably reactive to your attempts of easing into breaking away from her, (thus increasing the chance of threatening your home life).

So many possibilities can result, so few seemingly favorable for you....all because of an initial good deed.

There is one thing that Michah also mentioned, that I believe you may want to apply serious contemplation:
"Manipultaion has outcomes that are rarely a reflection of the real thing".

I also have to include the thought of this girl, and what she must be going through. The thought of the confusion she must be experiencing, and the false sense of hope that she is seeking to obtain. It can only lead her to futher emotional turmoil. My heart goes out to her.

I'll shaddup now....lol. I've more than repeated my point several times.

Again, I sincerely wish you the very best. And that it truly does work out FAR better than any of mine ever have.
I apologize for seeming so cynical.....that is so not me. I suppose it's not so much my focusing on the doom of this scenerio, but only reflecting on the same repeated outcomes of said scenerio....hard to ignor that reality.
I wish you a far better outcome.

All the best....

Shangrala

Well to put it short and simple, are you suggesting that I just leave her as she is now and move on ?

[Shangrala]

Wow...that's a tough question. One which definately deserves some thought.

I think that answer is no, HOWEVER that solely depends on how you approach this. I feel there are two possibilities of handling this, (the latter, imo, more favorable for ALL involved).

Option #1 (this is very similar to your chosen option #2, however, hastened).
Abandonment in any form can be devistating, especially for those receiving, but also can be traumatic if you are forced into creating it.
So, with that as fact and due to her emotional/mental state, just "leaving" her where she is at present may not be the answer (for now), however, distance MUST be immediately applied and communications immediately brought to an absolute minimum.

Of course, offer her a complete explanation as to why you have reached your decisions of distance, and reassure her that you are not "abandoning" HER. You are attending to your priorities that you had previously allowed to be jeapordized by your involvement with her and had lost sight of.
Reinforce to her of her importance, but also the inclusion of yours.
Do your best to instill upon her that there is no sound future with you. PERIOD.
If there was physical involvement, DO NOT venture there again, (this would only be a contradictin to the message you are telling her, confusing her even more).
Remind her that nothing is more important to you than your family, and you will not allow anyone to ever jeapordize your family structure, yet, emphasise her importance (as a person) as well.

Think thoroughly a "schedule" of any future encounters with her, informing her that said encounters WILL become progressively fewer as time progresses, (and said time must not be initially extensive), and eventually, to a closure....as you ARE, after all, married and committed to a life which you CHOOSE for yourself.

You must quickly ween her of her need and dependance of you, while reinforcing her sense of self-worth and self-gain, as well. NOT an easy task, as she is suffering from serious pre-existing issues.
Keep in mind, too, that the approach of #1 may more than likely, (though I'm truly hoping not the case), not result favorably....Not because of your efforts have failed, but because she may not be capable of being receptive.
This approach may lead to you down a path of continued guilt. However, it is still an option.

You certainly do have an choice here, and perhaps the next suggestion just may be a means of attending to this without creating any further guilt for yourself, and even possibly eliminating existing shame, as well.

Option #2
Due to the fact that it is because of your love for your wife and child, you are, of course, guilt ridden. This behavior of yours is what has violated your morals and family structure that you have committed yourself to, and have since jeapordized.
Because of that, and because that is the source of your guilt, perhaps if you were to confront your wife with what is going on, share your (genuine concerns) about the welfare of this girl, this will allow you to attend to what matters most to you, wife and child, as well as maintaining a distant support for this girl.

To what extent you wish to divulge the entire scenario with your wife is entirely up to you.
I have no idea how sound the structure with your wife is, but from the sound of it, it is quite strong. Have faith in that bond with your wife. Include her on your plight to "guide" this girl. Who knows, your wife just may prove quite beneficial to your initial goal.

It just seems that, in order for you to truly help this girl, it cannot be at a sacrafice to you.
Guilt is eating at you, distorting your judgement, imparing the quality of assistance you are to this girl.
Eliminate the guilt. Include your wife. Combine your energies, and you are surely to succeed....for ALL concerned.

Also, all the while throughout this, do not forget about your own self. Forgive yourself. Be your own best friend. Allow other's to help you help others.

All just fragments of my humble opinion..lol.

I hope the best for you, miragex. I'm confident that you will choose the right path and do what's best for all concerned.

Again, keep us informed. We do sincerely care.

All the best.

Shangrala

[jerrymichele]

Sorry that I'm late into your thread, but I would like to add some things to this. Her illness is her responsibilty. For an example, I have panic disorder. I cannot expect anyone to help me get treated for my disorder other then myself. Another thing is, everyone knows that she almost killed herself, so I would think that people are watching her very closely. That is really serious what she did. I think that really you need to think about her going back and telling your wife. If she is that unstable you might need to tell your wife about the affair. I would go see a therapist for your sake. And maybe a marriage therapist. For the time being I guess that I would still talk to her untill you can figure out what to do with your wife. You might love this other woman, but your main focus should be with your wife and child. I'm not trying to be mean, but your situation is a mess. A therapist would probably be able to help you sort this all out.

hi miragex, it really might be wise to consult a therapist on how to end things with this woman so she is safe. i rather doubt prolonging things with her will be helpful to either one of you. you may very well get sucked back into the relationship because you obviously care about her, and she will do everything she can to keep you including continued threats of suicide. i am not a professional, but you may want to read a bit about borderline personality disorder to see if she is exhibiting a lot of the symptoms. those who do (and others) tend to have a lot of black and white thinking, and i'm guessing would not be able to see continued contact as anything but hope for the relationship to resume. actually, most women would probably think that imo. that would just be setting her up for more problems and possibly more suicide attempts. i know you don't want that. if someone threatens suicide then call 911 immediately, or their psychiatrist or their parents. there is no way you can be the one to help her because you are the one she is currently traumatized over. as others have said this is a long-standing problem for her.

telling your wife would be in your own best interest as your girlfriend may very well threaten to tell your wife herself. chances are it is probably going to come out either from her or people finding out at work. if your wife hears it from you first, then you have a much better chance at saving your marriage. if she finds out from this woman or someone else then it will be that much worse.

also, i think it's strange that it was her lying to you that caused you to break up with her. it may be possible you are projecting your lying to your wife about cheating onto this young woman in an effort to resolve this problem, i.e. you are punishing her for lying by breaking it off with her because you are afraid of what will happen with your wife by lying to her. also, it would be good to look at why you thought you could save/fix this woman. that is being a rescuer and not healthy. you may be avoiding dealing with your own issues by trying to become involved with someone else's (this is co-dependency and some of us are good at it) or needing some excitement/drama at the prospect of becoming a father and being further tied down to a family.

i do hope you're able to resolve this and save your marriage. you know what the right thing is to do. now you just need to gather your courage and do it. you can't manage this just as you couldn't manage her problems because you don't have control over others. no one does. you do love your wife and child, so now be the man your wife married and a good father to your baby girl.

[miragex]

I have been thinking of this a lot and based on everyone's post here, This is what I have done.

So far, my girlfriend has been telling me about her mental state and what she is going through. This time, I told her what I am going through and the dilemma that I am under. I told her how its affecting my family life and how guilty I am about what I am doing to my wife and daughter. After hearing me out, she said that she is willing to do anything that I want her to do.

I did not have the heart to tell her that I am planning to break up with her but I told her that we both need to think about our relationship and where we go from here. Told her that we need to slow down and give this some serious thought.

She listened to me very calmly and said that she will think about it and let me know what needs to be done. She also reminded me that what ever we do or decide will never ruin my marriage. She said she needs time and will give her reply by this weekend.

So I am waiting for her reply and I really don't know if I could have handled this better. According to me, this is the best that I could do. I hope she takes it well and understands. Lets hope for the best.