[sanityseeker]

I am hiding away in my room with tears falling down my face because I can't handle the situation. My house if full of boys playing games and eating all the food. The agreement with my son was that the boys who stayed over would be gone by noon and he would spend the afternoon on homework and choirs. More boys arrived this morning and my son just made them all lunch. The kitchen is pilled with dishes from last night. I had told them to clean up after they cooked themselves dinner but the best they did was pill them in the sink.

My son knows that I am really upset and knows that I can't say anything because I can't cope with the effects. If I say anything I will go belistic and go into such a rant that I won't make any sense and will just look like an idiot. And then I will be dombed to days and days of horrible distress. How do I know? Because that is always how it goes if I open my mouth when I feel this much stress. I am so angry that my son is ignoring our agreement and abusing me this way. That is what it feels like. Abuse. Taking advantage of my inability to parent when the rubber hits the road.

I will hide in here until they tire of what they are doing and then I will breakdown with my son and he will promise to do better and eventually get at his homework and eventually clean up the messes.

I want to go tell them all to go home but I can't because I know I will loose it. I want to go out into the garden but I can't because I know I won't get there before turning around and venting on everyone.

I woke up feeling lousy and this just makes me feel useless and trapped.

[pegasus]

((((((( sanityseeker )))))))))

It's time for you to be assertive but without losing it. You can do this! Just very calmly say that you would like for the boys to go now. Say it calmly but with meaning. Children do actually like to have boundaries from an adult and they like you to stick to what you mean. You can do this, and you'll feel great afterwards.

[eskielover]

(((((sanityseeker)))))

Think Pegs said it well. Our children desire to have boundaries set but love to push parents to see where they actually are.

Your son will continually say he will do better but nothing more than that until he is finally forced to act on his words.

You are lucky that he does get around to cleaning up the mess & doing his homework.....some kids are so disrespectful they don't even do that.

I agree....you need to breath......get your strength together & ask your son if you can have a word with him......You can talk to him in another room so you don't embarrass him infront of his friends.....then he can go back in & let his friends know that it's time to "break it up".

It's important for us to be able to be assertive enough to stand up for what we have to for our own self care. We can be assertive without getting angry....a little self control. I found for myself that I would only blow up if I was already pushed to my overload point.....then it was only a moment. If I hadn't been pushed, I was able to be calm. After 33 years in my husband & all I could to is explode....there was no point between pushed & explode......but I had already been pushed so far.

I know you can do this....& all will be better off

Best wishes

[lynn P.]

I agree SS - take some deep breaths and call your son in another room and tell him it's time for his friends to leave. Next time this is what I would do - no friends are allowed over until all his homework and house chores are done. Limit the amount of friends and how long they can stay. Set boundaries with what meals they will be eating at your house. Tell him he should do all the cleaning - not just piling them in the sink. He needs to clear it with you before the guys come over. If homework isn't done, then no friends over. Be firm and stick to it. I have no problem when my daughter has her friend over to say "it's time too leave girls" or I tell my daughter to tell them. This is your house ((SS)) and you can express yourself with out exploding.

[sanityseeker]

I will try.... I had set all those boundaries Lynn but he just pushed them aside. He let his friends come in and stay over even though he knew it was against our agreement. He knows I will internalize and isolate to pretect myself from the effects of letting my rage go.

I will try to speak to him again but it will mean I will have a total breakdown of emotions and then I...we... him and I.... will pay big time for the effects of the downward spiralling. I will try to stop the spiralling but I always try and seldom succeed when it gets to this point. Days will be lost if I start to spiral.

I know it must just sound like an excuse but..... arggg... okay I will try and just have to deal with the consequences.

[sanityseeker]

OMG.... they were watching the big game. Had I not been so lost in this crap I would be enjoying the game with them..... instead I am stuck in my self made hell hole missing out on the big moment of the Olympics. What an fn' looser I am. I ran away from the room consumed with tears and self hate and am now just too done to think. Everyone I know is wrapped up in this moment and I am sitting here crying wrapped up in myself. Unbelievable!!! What a fringin' waste of air and space am I. Sorry just too much right now. I am so done. Just need to hide somewhere somehow. so ashamed and embarrassed. I am a nut job to the highest degree. How can anyone take life or themselves so seriously. what a joke.

Good luck, sanityseeker.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( sanityseeker )))))))))))))))

[Elysium]

So they're watching the big game. So what?

Does that make it any better that your son is being manipulative towards you, this whole time knowing that you are in distress? Does that erase the fact that he strayed from his commitment to you and violated the ground rules. I'm sure these other boys have TV's they can watch the big game on. Maybe your son could go to one of their houses and behave this way. But they're probably all at yours because your son knows that you won't stand up and take the control back in your household.

Your son is not just watching a big game...he's playing one too. And you're his primary opponent.

My advice...go into the room where they are watching the game, unplug the TV. Announce that everyone that doesn't live there is to go home immediately. and put your son on cleaning duty until the house is back in order. No TV, No phone, NO video games, No music, No nothing until things are back as they should be.

Also...he could do with a good grounding.

Good luck sweetie. You have every right to take control of your home.

[sanityseeker]

I did go in a shut the game down and tell them between the tears to go home or help my son clean up the house. I told my son no more gaming. Clean then homework. I barely got through two sentences without having to run to the bathroom and throw up. I melted down into a whaling cry fit that escellated to self harming myself in the bathroom to stop the pain. While they were doing the dishes I went out into the garden to try to calm myself down. I came back in after a couple of hours to see them gaming again and I told my son again to send his last friend home and get to homework. 30 minutes later his friend finally went home and I think now my son is finally doing his homework.

What seeing the game on represented was something I wanted to share with my son and to part of the excitment. I couldn't even watch it myself because I couldn't cope with the stress. Not being able to take the actions you all suggest without it causing me huge issues because of the stress and tension is really what is at the bottom of it all for me. It sounds simple and basic to do those things... to set boundaries.... to take control but the stress causes me so much pain and suffering I will opt to avoid starting anything or taking a stand just to save myself the pain.

It was good to go into the garden to escape but now I am totally wasted from the stress of the day and my brain is all a jumbled confusion and I can't think straight about much of anything. I know if I would have, could have inforced the agreement and help him to account that he would have complied but when I don't he pushs those boundaries and asks for forgiveness later. I want him to just do what he is suppose to do and spare me this crap that he knows is inevitable no matter how much I try to keep it together.

Now I will isolate and pout because I have no energy to resist and he will not even be able to reach me when he tries. He will make dinner and I will refuse to eat or talk to him and I will try to talk myself into behaving differently but I am not sure I have anything left in me to make myself do the right thing. I get caught between knowing what I should, could need to do to get past the meltdown effects but I am too afraid to open myself up to something else triggering overload. So I hide.

[sanityseeker]

I did manage to stop the cycle. I had a hot shower and did some relaxation exercises and managed to pull myself out of isolation long enough to talk calmly with my son about what went down this weekend. He will not being having friends over for the next two weeks and will be cut off gaming until spring break.

He took over making dinner that I had started and I will try to eat something when it is done. He will do some more homework after dinner and we will watch the Amazing Race together afterwards.

Sorry for the drama. I feel pretty embarrassed actually. Now that I am thinking more clearly I know I could have prevented a lot of this if I had made better choices.

[Elysium]

You have NOTHING to be embarrassed about!!

You may not see it this way, but I think you were quite successful today. You did a great job!!

Let's have a recap...

A) You were able to identify the triggering and inappropriate behavior your son was exhibiting.

B) You allowed yourself to feel/experience your feelings, as opposed to just shutting them down.

C) You reached out for help and support from your PC buddies.

D) You accepted the support and stood up for yourself against your son's poor behavior.

E) You successfully laid down boundaries.

F) After your son violated those boundaries, you successfully stuck to them and then set even more boundaries.

G) You allowed yourself to be human and experience the really painful feelings that came with all of the above.

H) You practiced self soothing by taking a break in your garden.

I) You were able to take care of your needs and get a shower and overcome the challenges of the day.

J) You let your son do his part by assisting with the dinner prep.

YOU'RE AWESOME!!!

Coming from a place where you're not real good at setting and maintaining boundaries and being able to do what you did today shows a lot of growth and strength. Please, allow yourself to be proud of that; I am.

Good work today. One day at a time...

((((((((((( sanityseeker ))))))))))))

[pegasus]

((((((( sanityseeker )))))))))

I can see how hard it was for you but you did good! And next time (for there surely will be a next time) it will be so much easier for you now that you have done it before! Yep! Good stuff!

[sanityseeker]

he has a belly ache and won't go to school. I am livid and out of my mind with rage. Dont know how i am going to get through this hour let alone this day.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by sanityseeker

he has a belly ache and won't go to school. I am livid and out of my mind with rage.

Sounds as though there are two of you with body reactions. You are not the only one. Worth thinking about when you can, maybe?

[sanityseeker]

Perhaps.... since I also have a gut wrenching belly ache today.... no doubt he is stressed by my insanity and the roller coaster he is forced to ride with me but I think it is also overtired. He stalled getting to bed last night and had too many late nights over the weekend. I tried to shut things down early each night but again stalls until it was hours later than I wanted. He woke in the night complaining of a belly ache so no surprise school was off the agenda today. I know I should have more compassion but it just seems like we can't get ahead of the game. He has missed so many days this year and is failing in school as a result of not doing the catch up work. Things just start to pick up at school and here we go again. I know I should be taking care of him but I get so lost in the feelings of no control that it makes me crazy. I am so self absorbed in my frustration that I can't seem to find any compassion for him. I then isolate and detach because that becomes the only thing I can control. Trying to hide from a reality I can't handle. Hating myself for being so self absorbed that I am not able to have a healthy perspective. It becomes all about me until I find my way out so I can properly care about him. A crazy making roller coaster ride for both of us. I am under so much pressure these days that I just want something to go as it is suppose to go. I just wanted to start the week on track. There I go again... all about me. My son says that to me a lot. It's not always about you mom.

Beating up on yourself is not the answer. What is my friend?

[lynn P.]

With my girls they love school so it's hard to keep them home, even on snow days. But my rule is - if they don't have a fever or throwing up, they go to school. I know it's harder since your son is older and bigger than you lol. Tell him from now on - no staying home unless there fever or throwing up. Make sure he's not staying up too late - he might be too tired and giving the excuse of being sick. You have my sympathy ((SS)) it's certainly not easy raising kids. Hang in there.

[sanityseeker]

We have had that discussion about what is too sick to go to school and I reminded him that while I was sorry he had a belly ache we agreed that unless he had a fever or was throwing up he needed to buck up and get to school. He couldn't afford to miss another day. blah blah blah. He didn't budge.

I guess byz its just easier to beat myself up because I just don't know what else to do. I feel so powerless and like I am just spinning in circles. I get up for another round, hoping for the best only to be knocked down again. It feels like its all my fault and if I own it then somehow I can change it. Whatever it is. But still I can't. I just hate feeling so powerless.

I guess I need to let this be about him making his choices and the consequences being his to deal with instead of me getting caught up obsessing about how it reflects on me. I just worry about the consequences of his choices and feel responsible for him being so irresponsible. Geesh... I always come back to me.

His dad says he has been coddled and never held to account and needs a firm hand. Now that he is older he reminds me everytime I report this kind of thing to him how a firm hand earlier would have prevented any of these kinds of issues from being an issue today. So again, my fault even though I begged for help to fill in the gaps in my parenting but his version of a firm hand was over the top for me.

I tried to go into my office this morning. Thought if I could be productive maybe I would gain a better perspective and cut the drama. But I couldn't focus on work and I confused a client by mixing her up with someone else so now I am back in my hole trying to wish the day away.

Maybe go out in the garden for a while. Clean up another bed and maybe that will help restore some balance in my head.

I appreciate you guys putting up with me. I know it helps me to put words to my thoughts and feelings. It helps to get it out of my head. I fight with myself about posting. A part of me just wants to fade into the pit and detach from everything but this other part of me pushes to come here and spit it out and stay engaged instead.

Perhaps I need to accept what is and think about now what? Now he will have to put in extra time doing extra homework. Now he will have to make up for the classes missed today just like he did to make up for missing Friday. God forbid he stretches this out another day. One day at a time I guess. I just need to keep talking myself out of the holes I fall into. One hole at a time.

[lonegael]

(((((Sanity Seeker))))))) there's not much use in stting and wishing things had been done differently. They weren', and you don't know how things would have gone if you had done things another way. The point is, where do you go from here.
You deserve to be respected more as his mother. period. He deserves to have a mom who can risk him not liking her for a bit. That's all. I know it is really really hard to have to take that on when you aren't feeling well and when you have memories that make you feel badly about standing firm and about words like "respect". "Respect" does not have to be fear. It just means he can trust you to do as you say.
Isn't it horrible how our pasts can totally trash all the wisdom and learning we can lend to toehrs, just when we need it most? I can be putty with My oldest. Just don't tell him
Huggs hon. I hope you can find a way to handle this with him.

[sanityseeker]

Thanks lonegael... and all who have encouraged me.