Secrets, Secrets, Sectrets

I've finally done it, here it goes, I'm going to loose everything because I have to hide things...

All my life has been a game of playing "secret keeper", every since I was a child, "shh don't tell, nobody will love you, nobody will believe you, your a liar" from abuser during the sexual abuse

"hey hide the mail for me, I don't want your mom getting upset and having a fit" from my dad, during our family financial crisis

"shh don't tell anyone about our problems Typo, it's nobody's business" from my mom about everything.

all my life, keep a secret, keep a secret, soo many secrets from everyone, so many lies, so many untold stories, I can't even share the happy good things in my life because I'm under the belief everything has to be a secret, wither good or bad.

All my life everything in it's neat little compartmatized boxes, this goes here, but not there, can't put that there people will hate me, abandon me, yell at me, etc etc...

And now I"ve gone and done it, I've let the fear take control of me, manipulate me, I've let it make me a coward, and now because of all this, I may just loose everything

A year, a whole ****ing year, that's how long I've kept the man I love a secret, from EVERYONE irl, except T, and even then she only gets spratic details, why am I so afraid? Judgement, abandonment? I am doing nothing wrong, there is nothing wrong about our relationship, I fear the judgement, the accusations, I fear people are going to hate me, fear they aren't goign to understand...

And now I may just have decided to break my coward stance too late in the game, it may be too late.....

My best friend is going to hate me, we have been friends for over 15 years, she is my support, she is my sister, we have been through so much together, she knows everything, everything about my life almost, except this, and I've kept it from her for a year, she is going to hate me, I've started half attempts, but words get caught in my throat, it took me three years just to get the nerve to tell her about the abuse in my childhood, When I was in the car accident at 15 I didn't watn to tell her, my mom made me call her, and even then I turned down her offer to stand by me at my grandmother's funeral, what a ****** person I am....

She is going to hate me, I may loose the person I love, hell my best friend is going to hate me, but those are the consquences of my actions....

I hate it, I hate believeing I have to be a secret keepper............I hate it, i really do...and look what I've done.... What a horrible person I am...

I don't want to go to work, I don't want to do anything, look what I've done, I've gone and screwed up everything again, applause for me, I deserve an award......

You are being pretty harsh on yourself, Typo.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-...e-distortions/

http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/1752

(((((((((((((( Typo )))))))))))))))

I'm with The Byz on this:I guess it's possible (just barely) that you've always managed to keep secrets so flawlessly that you've never experienced what happens when you spill one. If that's not so, however -- have people always hated you, abandoned you and/or yelled at you when you've revealed a secret, or could you be scaring yourself with nightmarish worst-case scenarios?

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On the bright side -- as long as they're still yelling at you, that shows they haven't abandoned you. Once they do abandon, you it doesn't matter how much they yell because you won't be able to hear them, nor how much they hate you because they won't be able to tell you about it.
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That's about how I'd word it if I were out to give myself a hard time, or if I needed a nice juicy disaster to take my mind off all the little stuff I was worried about.

By any chance are you already judging yourself so that the last thing you need is help from anyone else?

Whatever your actual situation, you seem to be going way out of your way to color the prospects as dark as possible. The times I've watched myself doing that, I've been afraid of whatever was coming and trying to adjust my expectations so that if possible, it would be a pleasant surprise.

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Eat a bullfrog first thing in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
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No, on second thought:


Once you've had a chance to settle down a little...



PC: You have included 16 images in your message. You are limited to using 12 images so please go back and correct the problem and then continue again.

OK then, I owe you four hugs and PC, one rolleyes [insert big grin here].

Hi Typo,

I'm sorry you're being so hard on yourself. You've grown up in a household that made you keep secrets, & you're just trying to do what you've been taught is the right thing. You realize it isn't, but you are only doing what you were taught & know of no other way. It's a shame that you are trying to please everyone else when you know that it's going to be at your own expense.

You value your best friend & are afraid of losing her. I suggest that you print out what you posted & let her read it. That way, she will learn about your boyfriend & why it was so hard for you to tell her about it, & all of your fears. I'm sure she will understand. You know her, so you know how she will react if she finds out about it without your having told her, & since it's causing you fear, you know you could be putting your friendship in jeapordy if you don't.

You are not a bad person, so please stop thinking that way about yourself. It's a good sign that you are aware of what's happening, & that it's making you unhappy, b/c we can only change our maladaptive behaviors or face our fears when we know what they are. Doing things differently than what we are familiar with is scary, but I know you'll feel so much better when you confront the issue in a way that is right for both you & the people concerned.

Have a cup of tea & try to do something to help you relax. Sending hugs.

Wish me luck, I am so anxious, I am going out to dinner with my friend tonight, bout to leave, I don't know if I'll be able to eat, my stomach is a slish sloshing mess, What do I say what do I do?

Thank you allf or the responses, they have helped ease my nerves, I will be sure to reply in more detail later, and let ya'll know how it goes....

Shake shake shakey as a leaf.....

First of all, good luck and yes, be sure to tell us how it went!

Second -- if your friend has much sense (if she's your friend she must have plenty), she'll manage to take it as a compliment both that you worried so long about what she'd think of you if you told, and that you eventually decided you trusted her enough to tell her.

You've had major secrets before, gone back and forth on what to tell to whom, felt uncomfortable not telling, but eventually decided that telling wouldn't be the best solution right then. What's wrong with that? You could now just as easily be regretting having said too much back then; in fact, I say that if you're determined to dump on yourself, you can dump on yourself just as easily for a good choice as for a bad one.



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FZ sez:
If you know you'll give yourself a hard time no matter what you choose, it might as well be for choosing what suits you best.

I hope you ate well and enjoyed your friends company. Relax my friend, take it easy on yourself. Take gentle care of you. You are special.

We only know what we've learned. So, learn to ease up and believe in yourself with all the strength you can muster. Unlearn for you!

It went so well, and I"m so proud of myself, so proud of myself.

I was fidgity all evening and kept running to the bathroom (when I get nervous or anxious my bladder gets weak it seems )

After dinner we went and had coffee, and caught up over everything that happend in the last week, I told her I had something to tell her, and got anxious lost my nerve, but she was patient with me and said I didn't have to tell her anything I wasn't ready to or didn't want to, we sat in Starbucks for an hour, all the while her reassuring me that after 15 years of friendship that there was nothing I could do or say to make her angry or to make her not want to talk to me.

We finally went and sat in her car (it was so busy in Starbucks I couldn't feel comfterable enough to say it) and I wrote the beginning of it on a piece of paper,

and to my suprise.............

She squealed gave me a giant hug and preceded to ask a million and one questions! She didn't throw me out of her car, or yell at me, and wasn't angry at all!

I told her everything, and how that morning me and bf had gotten in an argument about the "secret" thing, and how it made everything more diffcult, and he had hung up upset and frustrated with just a "I love you, I"ll talk to you sometime this weekend"
she then looked at me and says "go fix it silly goose!!, fix it fix it fix it!!!""

so I texted him, haven't heard anything back (not unusaual on the weekend, both of our weekends are hectic and busy, so we usually don't talk or even hear from one another on the weekends) I'm anxious to hear back from him, I hope I didn't make the move too late, but even if I did.... at least I tore down a wall, I took a HUGE step foreword and breaking my "secret keeper" role,

I feel so...great (is that odd?) I woke up this morning and just felt like I had climbed over the biggest wall in the whole wide world....

Typoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

This post sounds like the Typo we know and love. When I read the beginning of this thread... I found myself going, "Who is this, what's with her, and when is Typo coming back?"

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I know, I know, they're both you and I'm going to have to get used to it.
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Anyway, congratulations!!! -- and best of luck straightening things out with your bf.

Congratulations, Typo. Friends are nice to have.

Typo! Excellent! Not least for your courage and your fine taste in friends! Proud of you! HUGGGGS

I thought I would update on the situation, finally heard from bf, he is happy I told, and proud of me for breaking down that wall, and he said he hoped he hadn't pressured me into making that decision, that wasn't his intention at all that morning, he was just hurt and upset. I told him he hadn't, that the disagreement sort of just finally made me realize what I had been doing, and how it's time for me to break down those walls, slowly, surely, one step ahead right?

Wow! A life of secrets. Tough, I'm sure. Well you are safe here to let it all go. Maybe you find peace today!

My favorite way to tell that it must be time to do something (to break down walls, for instance)...

... is by noticing that that's what I am doing.

Sounds like you've been trying out something of the sort, too. Good luck, Typo! Always a pleasure to hear from you.