knowing yourself

sorry guys, just not as comfortable with being this open as i thought i would be... couldn't find a way to delete the thread.

Hi little*rhino,
I'm not sure I can be very inspiring today, since I'm kinda down myself. I don't know you very well - such as your age or education level. What I do know is you write well and can be inspiring, which is a good thing. What jobs have you held in the past and what are your passions?

thanks lynn... i'm just a bit down because i feel so lost to myself today. i deleted the body of the text because i just felt too vulnerable.

now that i am making real progress physically each day, i so badly want to hit the ground running, you know? i want to make the days ahead of me purposeful and cohesive... but i'm clueless as to how. i think i am in for some disappointment because i think i have built things up to be at a different point than they are in reality. i am doing SO much better than before, but i have a lot of real world problems to solve before life will calm down and be ok. i need to be ok with that... and not lose all the positive gains i got during the past couple weeks/months.

That's okay rhino - I understand. You're actually a very positive sounding person. Major surgery can really take a toll physically and mentally. Usually I do a much better job at inspiring but like I said - I'm having a bad day also. For some reason when I'm down, I lose my creative writing. I hope you feel better soon and wait for a day when you feel stronger. You can't solve everything at once anyway - one step at a time.

(((((little*rhino)))))You've given me so much to think about; You are so inspiring---------hang in there-(((((Lynn))))) said it all.

((((((Lynn)))))--a little off myself today----feel better soon---theo

Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow". Maryanne Radanbacher.

And so it shall be.

funny how the quote in my signature is a play on that quote byz... eery.

i have a large internal abyss to navigate. My T and i stand at the edge lately and i throw pebbles in and wait to hear the make a sound when they strike the bottom, but no sound returns.

i decided to check out more info on one of the career paths i'm considering and i am seeing that i would need to take some more undergrad classes to get the pre-req's. That really added another weight to the already overloaded me trying to swim at the surface. i'm new to things... just like a baby animal that can't quite stand up and run, i struggle with how to apply my new outlook to troubling information/situations.

i guess i am fighting for my new motto: to not just survive - but to LIVE

living may mean retracing steps on paths i just don't want to walk down anymore... then what? i know i need to complete a master's degree to get whatever i end up deciding upon, but i don't want an extra year or two piled on top of those two years as well.

life is a journey, i know that... so i know i can't "be there" because no one is until they die, if then... but i want some aspects of my life to BE THERE. i want some aspects to calm and become still... i want some areas to feel like i made it to calm waters and the rapids are behind me. Not all of my life struggles, but some...

i try to take heart in the overwhelming positive and warm feedback i have been getting in recent weeks, both on here and in real life. i thank them because that has boosted me more than i can express. i truly do get the sense that life is offering me something better if i can find the courage to stand strong in moments of challenge. i just hope i have enough grace and vision to see those moments when they come.

What you are doing is learning about yourself. You are motivated. Instant gratification sometimes is an option. More often patience and acceptance lead to a better result. You, like everyone, will be tested. Please do not lose your enthusiasm.

Be well.

yeah... i've been tested alright. From the damage of earlier times, to marrying a narcissist, to crippling chronic pain to... it just goes on. This wasn't my first dance with having tumors. People say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but i could be really totally ok with being less strong and having some peace for a change, you know?

i am grateful for how i see the world and people... i'm grateful that i've learned to appreciate the smallest of things... i just want a break from such difficult life lessons for a while.

i know that a life without any hardship just breeds complacency and it's very difficult to cultivate depth without suffering. i just would like to have a stint of good news. i need life to calm down and be less stressful. i can't stay on high-gear much longer.

i'm sort of realizing that i may have to choose a lesser life in the long run to accomplish that. If i want to continue to aim as high as i have done, then i will have to accept that there are plenty more rapids ahead. If i want calm water i will have to accept that i can't keep trying to move upstream.

(((((little*rhino))))--you are not alone--you encouraged me, when you wrote that post about LIVING-not just surviving--remember?---I have to start all over again too.

At 55 years old- I gotta move cross country to get Medical Help I need, then find a place to live that I can afford, then enroll in school--on and on it goes------------

You and I are on the same path-----don't sell yourself short, and I won't--Pact?

We are going to LIVE!!!-------------------I send you my love---theo

the problem with gratitude is that it's a slippery thing... no, not true, i don't mean that. i am still grateful and struggling to remain positive. i say to my T all the time that i don't much care to end up being a "well-adjusted homeless person." Meaning, that while personal growth is great, i am in this for the full enchilada - i want life change. i want to make my real world change as much as my internal one.

i want less chaos
i want to not need the assistance of others quite so much
i want to know where my next meal is coming from
i want to sleep through the night
i want to be able to stop worrying this much

i believe the road i am taking in therapy will help me with the rest, but i need to know how to connect the two. i need to know how to use whatever new things i have learned to now build a proper life.

i'm still healing physically but my life isn't waiting for me to feel better. Before i really feel well enough or ready, i need to be getting things done. i would feel a whole lot better about jumping in too soon if i felt like i could make ends meet... but despite my best efforts, i still can't.

stepping fully into gratitude means one has to accept that until you die things always work out, just that doesn't mean the same thing as working out the way you want or need. i'm struggling with that part.

Two of the most difficult realities for me: First, to accept there are going to be times I need help. No matter how hard I thought or willed or worked, there are going to be occasions when I cannot get through the malaise without professional help.

Second, to accept no matter how determined I was, I am unable to function at the level I envisioned. To expect less of myself seemed like a heresy. To be told to work hard, save your money and use your God-given talents became useless platitudes when I was so unhappy. I wanted so badly to be very good at something. Instead, I became another small fish in a big bowl. Ultimately I asked why am I doing this?.

These acceptances, however, do not mean I cannot try to function at a higher level. Getting better is hard work. There will be some advances to the rear. Just the same, never quit.

thanks byz, you very obviously spend a lot of time on self-reflection and on your answers to others. i appreciate the time you gave and your words.

one thing i am making a conscious deliberate effort to do is to break away from being pathologized and labelled as sick, unwell, wrong, defective or any other term that makes where i am seem in some way like i "should" be someplace else or somehow needing adjustment. Don't get me wrong, i want to do better, improve, succeed and move forward but i am totally ditching the idea of "getting better."

i am very much of the belief that where i am is where i am - there isn't a different place i should be. It's hard to put words on because i want more from myself in responses to the challenges of life. Frankl says something about what life asks of us and not what we ask of life. i'm not religious so i don't believe in a big plan that put me where i am, but i do believe in what the desiderata says - "no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

It doesn't mean to pull up your oars and just drift without purpose. It doesn't absolve me of my responsibility to actually live this life i've been given... but it means that in my practice of gratitude i am coming to see each moment, each day, as being as it should be and to appreciate what i have right then and there, as well as appreciate the efforts and victories i have had in the face of suffering.

this will be hard for some to grasp, because our culture has prepackaged ideas of wellness and illness... but i do not consider myself mentally ill in any way.

i was pathologized and misdiagnosed for 12 yrs. It has turned out that i simply don't have that disorder. This isn't denial, it's medically supported fact. i have had a physical condition that produced symptoms that were read as a DSM diagnosis. Now, they are trying to figure this out and time will tell, but i am geratly resistent to having a label applied just so i can fit more neatly in some doctor or insurance company's boxes.

i do get depressed and i do struggle with difficult anxiety, both a mixed result of my personal history and the physical problems. But i do not see myself as either of those labels. i am NOT anxiety, i get anxiety... just like i get chronic pain or the flu. i refuse to see myself ever again through the filter of a label. It's too easy to wear it and to live it. i want to live my life as it is.

also.. don't mistake my tone or intent, i'm not angry or meaning to sound sharp about it... it's just difficult to say in many other words so it may sound snappier than i intend.

i just know that i am moving through a transformation that i am grateful to get to experience.... i know i just am.

i do push myself too hard, that i hear in what you're saying... hold myself to unrealistic expectations far too much. i'm working on that. My situation is very, very bad at the moment and if i don't shove myself hard then i will face potential homelessness or other difficult fates. There isn't anyone in my real world to help with all the things i need to attend to, so i can't really gear down. i need to make changes to avoid this degree of stress in the future as much as possible. i need to change how i operate so that i can establish a life that is a little kinder for me, go easier on myself and find ways to make connections with people who can help in times of need.

today i am pondering where i stand on this path... i had a moment of revelation, insight... a new vantage point. i was distraught over some things, everything seems so big and difficult and all the things that have been piling up while i have been recovering from surgery looked like Everest to me. i cowered and wished i could go back into my hospital bed where i was safe from such things. But something different happened. i didn't fall on my face or cry. i didn't just frantically whine into my T's voicemail. And i didn't run. i stood my ground. i reminded myself of how bright and beautiful the world looked to me when i remembered my strengths in these last two weeks. i took a small group of tasks and began one at a time... i've still got a mountain to climb but i am reminding myself i can do it because i am doing it.

i got some good omens too. Like i said, i'm not religious or even especially spiritual in any traditional sense, but i believe our lives flow and we "fit" into it or we find friction when we go off course. i was worried about a decision that revolved around money. Once i told myself the above things and started moving more purposefully, i found first an extra $20... then a cheque for $93 that i had misplaced and forgotten to deposit. Now, that isn't exactly like finding oil, but in the realm of poverty where i currently dwell, $113 is a huge amount. It just seemed like the perfect little salve to the fear i'd had. i drew strength from that... never ignore good omens.

tomorrow i plan to say something special to my T. Tomorrow i want to tell him how deeply grateful i am for everything he has done for me and the boundless patience and kindness he has shown me. i want him to know that while i feel i have a lot to work on, he has affected me in a way that has changed everything. i want him to know that somehow i woke up.

Let's see. There are billions and billions of galaxies in the universe. Each one has hundreds of millions or billions of stars. We live near one of those. Every person living now or who has ever lived on earth is in a big bowl -- and relative to all that, is a small fish.

((((Little*Rhino))))

Thank you for posting and all that you have said. We are all walking this road and sometimes it is so hard and we wish just once that something would give somewhere. For so many of us we did not do this to ourselves but we are working to get out and to a beginning somewhere we never had/or have been. I think you are doing that. And you are taking the steps you need to take to get there.

I believe we are right where we are suppose to be right now and there is a reason for it. Whether we are suppose to learn something, work through something, be there for someone else, or whether we are finding ourselves at the moment we are where we are for a reason. Sometimes it is hard to stand where we are and even as we look out we sometimes ask what are we here for? I know for me it seems I ask that question so much of the time.

If I was not where I was I would not be here right now. I would not have the chance to be reading your words or the words of many others here. If I was not where I was I would not be blessed in my life with the wonderful friend I have or the support team I have, or the support here at PC I have. Just a few years ago, I did not want to be anymore and had I not reached one more time or been where I was at the time I may not be here now.

For me so many times I wonder why am I going through all this? What did I do or how do I deal with this? The ups and downs, the walking through the things that hurt more than anyone knows, the standing up for what I believe and what is right for me, the constant put down of those who do not want me to be where I am but the knowing that if I stand firm I will make it.

The very idea that I am willing to look at things and make the changes that I have to make in order to get well and get better is what counts. Sometimes when the valley seems it lowest is when we look up and see the horizon. I don't know how many horizons I have seen or how many valleys I have been in but there is always something I get or receive when I am willing to walk through the storm.

I think you are doing a great job at looking at yourself and figuring out what it is you want or need. I know it is hard and there are so many things that seem to step in our way but if we keep reaching and keep going forward, even in taking steps back if we do not fall and not get up, we can keep going forward until one day we will be where we want to be.

Thank you for sharing your journey and those things you feel with us. You are doing what you need to do to move forward to where you are wanting to get to. I see you getting there one step at a time but you are doing it. Asking and searching, growing and learning. I think you are doing what you need to do.

I hope you know that we are here for you to listen, encourage, support, and care. Know that you are important and you are right where you are suppose to be right now. Know I care. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

Some thoughts to ponder:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/1752
http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/940
http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/4839
http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/4948
http://www.positivityblog.com/index....port/html/3816

You have a way of writing that is very nice to read, easy to read, comfortable. I'm not sure how else to say it. But I hope you keep on writing. Keep on telling your story... thanks for posting.

I can relate to the part about not wanting to just get by. But actually have a full life. It's the balance between being gentle with one's self and also pushing one's self. Like having a good coach. (Or as my partner says, the helpful voices of her past therapists).