I'm concerned...

about myself. I didn't know where to put this, so I guessed here would be alright.

I've been very angry, belligerent, and fed up lately. I suppose I've been stressed out too.
I've thought about my life and how bad it is sometimes, and I'm just mad. Mad that I still can't have a say in my family and how my family's ruining me. Yesterday, I got fiercly upset with them and I lost my temper. I felt this was right to do, but obviously so wrong. My personal life is being ruled over anger I guess, and thoughts that I am not a good person. I wasn't always a mean person, but the events in my life just make me think so.
I don't know what to do. I need a T so badly, but I don't want to talk to my family. Today, I'm even being avoided.

Hi opaquemind0 !--------You sound as if you really need an objective person to hear you out---that'd be a therapist; is there some reason why you can't see one?

You are very angry, and JMO-it also sounds as if that anger is directed at yourself for the most part; even if you directed it at your family. You needed to get it out.

{The events in my life make me think I am a mean person}-----You are very aware of your feeling, and the effect it has on those around you-----shows great sensitivity---------there must be a way that you can see a therapist?

Or, you know the old stand-bys--get out and walk for miles, breathe, meditate, etc.
Journal?----------------

It says you feel "cold"-----are you trying to hold all the anger in?----I wish I could help you-----------------I send you hugs--they don't help much, I know---------------------------------------------------all the same---hugs--------theo

Sorry you are having a rough go of it, my friend.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/ang...5/METHOD=print
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/ang...9/METHOD=print
http://psychologytoday.tests.psychte...idRegTest=1298
http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/24835
http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/24738

Be well, opaquemind0.

Theodora- I don't want to talk to my family about getting one. I honestly don't want them to know anything about my problems seeing that are problem starters for me. I'm afraid they will think they are bad people or get angry because I'm "overreacting." Honestly, I could really benifit from a T.
I'm sorry to ask but, what does JMO mean? (edit: JMO=Just my opinion?)
I know I'm influencing my family, which saddens me, but if I stop my angry ways, I won't feel complete. Being angry is my thing, and if I turn all gracious and nice, I wouldn't be happy with myself.
I use a journal, not to collect my thoughts, but more of a collection of things I need to focus on in life. I don't want anyone to read my real thoughts..
I'm "cold" because I'm trying to figure out why I'm such a mean person. Revealing the truth hurts. Thank you for caring!

TheByzantine- Thank you for the kind words, friend! I hope I can control myself with those wonderful websites above!

Hugs to all.

Byz- I just realized upon looking at some of these articles that I might not be able to suppress my anger till later on. I didn't move out of the family house yet, so I feel limited..
(I feel that as long as I'm under the reign of the family, I won't get any better. Hmm..)

You have put a lot of thought into this, opaquemind0. I was able to survive my childhood with coping skills akin to yours. This excerpt from The Road Less Traveled comes to mind:

Transference is that set of ways of perceiving and responding to the world which is developed in childhood and which is entirely appropriate to the childhood environment (indeed, often life-saving) but which is inappropriately transferred into the adult environment.

For way too long I stubbornly refused to change after I was away from home and able to choose a better way.

You are in my thoughts.

Living with family sucks when they make you angry and you feel like you have no control over anything. Been there and back again. Just felt like saying I kinda relate.

Why would you need to talk to your family to get a T?

Wow... I am in the exact same position right now. I'm just so mad and angry at my family that I could burst into flames. It's not like you can flat out say to them what it is and how it's going to be. You either don't know how or you feel guilty and the whole thing is just hard. Plus, if they don't want to acknowledge what they've done to you... There are so many other things. Ugh! I totally get what you're going through. I'm mad too, right there standing next to you!

And what's worse is when they can acknowledge it and twist it around so somehow you're blamed for it. In my case anyway. I no longer have "anger", I'm just numb and emotionless when it comes to certain people. It's my way of co-existing with them and writing them off.

Byz- Thank you for that excerpt! Well, I've been going through these angry feelings for a good while, and I suppose I'm just becoming "numb and emotionless" like Mocha said. I'm just reflecting a little bit and thinking about this monster I've started to turn into.
Transference is inappropriately put into the adult world... I'd say so. :| I honestly hope I won't be stubborn later on. I mean, I really don't know what to do in this world anymore.

Mocha- Yup. They all have their moments and with all of them living in the same house, well..it's too much sometimes. I'm not old enough to go on my own, so I was hoping to wait..
Oh damn, yes. They love to play the blame game. I'm the same honestly, and because I too have turned apathetic, I usually win.
I understand what you're saying 100%.. I wish I didn't have to be like this, but it's a dog-eat-dog world..

Aquafara- They're seriously tough people to work with, right? XD We all have those good moments, but other times..
Ohh boy, some people love to not take the blame even though they deserve it. I guess they don't want another problem in their life and they just brush it off. :| I can't blame them because I understand, but still...

Thanks everyone!

So, I figured I'd make a little update..
This week wasn't too bad, but bad grades seems to be starting a new problem for me. I'm so p-ssed off because I'm so close to the end of the year, but now, I suddenly get a punch in the face with all of these BAD grades. I can't bear to see my final grade. I'm so discouraged now. Finals are so damn close too..

Ugh. But regardless of that, I'm still struggling, busy as heck, but generally ok. How's everyone else? OK I hope?

Hey Opaquemind0 I have always thought that beneeth anger is pain. would it be possible to talk with a school guidence counseller? Or is school out for the summer where you live? I am really sorry that you are in so much pain. I can see that you are intelligent, regardless of what grades you are getting. Sometimes when we are in pain, it effects everything including school. Huge blessings for you. I hope you can find the exact right person to talk with irl. And I hope you can keep posting here. thats important too. Because people here do care. I know I do !!

(((( pu!w3nbado ))))
--upside down again xDDD--

just because its you, im sending you loads of warm fuzzies

im so sorry about your bad grades, i can see how much it troubles you Dx although your grade arent so good now, maybe if you super duper extra fantastically well on your finals, it should help pull it up tho

no matter what though, everybody on PC loves *you* regardless of your grades (besides, you're smart ... remember you got them street smartz lol while i lack those xDDDD ) <3

hope you have better days soon, Opaque; you deserve em!
(((bnim3upaqO))) --tehehe, i got you sideways now! xDDD

--bluegirl

Take care of yourself, opaquemind0.

Sunset- The school year isn't over, but with finals next week, I don't have a chance. I dunno. I mean, we never really had that connection to be honest. He thought I was a smart kid and (imo) not a big deal, probably because I didn't feel very open to talk. Ugh..
I will agree, I am smart! I'm worried though because potential scholarship opportunities can go down the drain to (maybe) some dummy who bs-ed through school! I'm sorry but, I'm noticing these things happen, and I'm so frustrated that I'm going down myself!! It's so true, pain affects everything. UGH, I CAN'T TAKE THIS!!!!
Thank you though.. thank you for the wonderful support and care! I hope I'll find that person.

Blue- You're too good to me! Warm fuzzies are sooo nice. It's very frustrating because I know I'm better than this, but I don't know what to say now! Everyone's always wanting me to do so well, and look at me now! I'm so wanting good grades for the finals that I'm worried that I'm not going to do as well! D-mn my ironic thinking! Thanks!! I do love PC..and those street smarts of mine.
I hope the sun will come again.

Byzantine- Today was something else. The shame of it all, the bad grades.. I was very down today.
Thank you! I'll try..but I've unfortunately gone back to my bad ways and I'm not concentrating anymore. *sigh*

Hey, opaquemind0, put on your concentration cap and bore into it.

((((0p@qu3m¡nd))))

well if warm fuzies are nice to you, *sending you ten bagillion warm fuzzies times infinity*

--maybe you should try to relax some in between, like, studying? being all stressed sooo doesnt help - been there, done that; not helpful AT ALL -. be zen XD

seriouslt, though, dont be *too hard* on yourself; i know its hard considering we're talking potential scholarships, but you gotta be calm and just do the best that you can. (i know it may not be fun, but there's always summer school and credit recovery if you absolutely have to).

and im sure you'll still be getting scholarships because you are a nice, brightly, and bubbly-personality-ed person and i believe you can do this too! *so nice big, Weirdo hug xDDD me, Samantha, Thing 1, and Thing 2 are here for you XDDD

oh and just stop thinking that you're going to fail, remember *happy happy happy thoughts* always. if you are to suceed, you must think it, say it, breathe it, and believe it! plus i believe you can!

tehehe, "street smartz"

good luck, buddie!! <33

--bluegirl

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Byz, Blue, & Everyone))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Byz- I'll give it a shot!

Blue- Hooray for more warm fuzzies!! Lol, I don't know how many times I've been stressed in my life, esp. this year. Ugh, well, I'm trying to keep it real r ight now, but I'm just thinking about all that I have to do for tomorrow! Finals don't start until Wednesday, but I've been so busy this weekend that I've had to push doing all of my homework to now. Yay. :\
Lol, I'm not in a position for summer school! XD I'm happy to say that I don't need it and it'll never need me. But there's so many smart kids that I..well, I just get so angered now that I'm slipping a little. Thanks for the Weirdo hug!! You all are the best.

*sigh* Well, I'll certainly try to be happy. I don't even know what to think. I mean, I'm ready to attack the finals, but not the IMMENSE homework I got! I don't even know why I have this much..I think anyone who saw my homework load would consider themselves too lucky.

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with so much bs when all you could use is a break and a hug. I just wanted to say that I believe that you can and will make good grades on your finals and on your homework. You just have to find your balance between studying/doing your homework and taking time to help yourself. Here's hoping you find it soon. Take care and good luck.

((((((((((((((opaque)))))))))))))))

lol yes Weirdo Hug

im sorry, bud i wish could help, other than offer my sympathies....



*giving loads and loads of Good Luck to help you make it through*

you can do it, i believe in you

～～**--you can do it, Opaque!--**～～

(: bluegirl

Wishing you the best, opaquemind0.

Helpmegetbetter, Blue, and Byz- I sincerely appreciate the warm wishes and comments.
I'm trying to stay positive and not freak out too much. (But I just love how my mind's buzzing through a million different things right now. :P )
Thank you for..well, just being so wonderful everyone!!