Wam!

In the wink of an eye I feel like depression has come to consume me again. All the physical symptoms of depression are taking over. I feel numb and heavy. Exhausted. Totally drained. Body temperature is up. Breathing is short and fast. Anxiety while lethargic. Can hardly keep my eyes open, my arms feel like lead and I am shrunken into myself. Sadness overwhelms me. My brain won't shut off. My mood has flipped. My son even heard it in my voice.

It was such a good day. Since mid June I have been more level than anything else. Some mixed mood periods here and there but nothing I wasn't able to manage. No mania I couldn't control.

My sister is coming out for a visit tomorrow. Her phone call triggered the flip I am experiencing right now. Too much to get into without going on and on too long. I haven't seen her for a couple of years. Spoke with her at Christmas but that's about it. We have an odd relationship.

My mind is so unsettled. I am so disappointed to suddenly find myself off balance again. I am feeling so sorry for myself and such a loser. The family loser. I used to be the star.

I will dig deep to find the energy to do the work I need to do right now. Meditating seems impossible but I will try. I need to stop thinking and feeding the hurt and pityful feelings I am having right now. I am rapidly cycling downward and somehow I need to stop it.

I am praying for help. Praying for a miracle right now. I want this to stop. I am overwhelmed with sadness. It is just so sudden. It was such a great day. This is cruel. So not fair. I want to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow feeling stable again. It can't be over all ready. It can't just end like this. I can't fall back into the pit. Not this soon.

It just so sad. I will go outside and look at the stars. Ask for help and try to let the fresh air and peaceful darkness minister to me right now.

gee.... am i so invisible and inconsequencial that no one can see me even here? oh well. i am over the shock now. the depression has settle in and the familiarity of it is..... familiar. wonder what tomorrow will bring? it will be what it will be i guess.

You're not inconsequential or invisible sanityseeker, I just move slow...I was thinking to myself the other day "Oooh I can feel it creeping up on me" and I was trying to hide from it. Didn't work and I spent a day crying and spent the night in the dark watching tv with tears just streaming down my face. I didn't mind that because for every tear endorphins were being released into my blood and I knew that within a time I'd feel better I had to I couldn't stay like that for much longer.

I have never hated anyone, but I hate depression, anxiety and panic I don't hate the agoraphobia I'm quite comfy with that....what I'm trying to say is that I know what you are feeling and I know the bitter pain that engulfs you. But if you push through, there is relief even though it doesn't feel like it at the time...

Giving you my support and hoping that you rise out of this soon

Rhian

Your posts were at 2:30 a.m. and 3:30 a.m. for me, here on the East Coast of the U.S. and I'm sleeping then and try not to post in my sleep I don't know where you are, whether in Canada or elsewhere in the world, but if it was evening/night for you, I would have gone to bed if I felt like you described, maybe I would actually feel better in the morning! I would have had a nice shower/bath and set my alarm and seen if sleep could help.

When I get so I am supposed to have a party/people over and I suddenly don't feel like it, I adjust my expectations/what I'm going to do about it. Yes, I like the bathroom cleaned and a quick vacuum of the living room and most of the cat hair all over the sofas collected but to heck with upstairs, my personal space. I adjust my plans for food if necessary, deciding on "more" instead of "variety" and give up on anything elaborate, do store-bought desserts and munchies. I do a lot of "sitting" and let people swirl around me instead of trying to meet their needs; they're usually family or good friends and know my house and can get their own drinks from the refrigerator and I can talk or have the TV on low in the background, maybe make comments about commercials or whatever "game" or event is on. For our parties we often have three or four "areas" that have something going on and I'll drift between one or two but smile and decline anything active. Other people/kids have their moods and periods too so most people don't notice that I'm flatter than normal. I had a good bit of down time with my daughter-in-law last weekend while my husband and the grand kids were out at the store, etc. But no one commented on me/my behavior and everyone seemed to have a fine time and I had a less stressful one.

Sorry you are spiraling, sanityseeker. Hopefully, it is a situational thing that soon will pass.

Good luck.

Thanks Rhian for your support. I went off line after my last post so just catching up now. I know I was over reacting but I was seeing a few folks posting on other threads at the time I started mine (11pm my time) and when I came back an hour later and they were still around but no one had responded to me I fell into feeling invisible and like I didn't matter enough to anyone. I was ripe for those feelings to be blown up. I was so scared and disappointed that the stable bubble had burst. I just needed some encouragement. Just a voice to remind me I would be okay. I appreciate you finding me and taking the time to reach out to me.

Thanks Perna. It was a long painful night trying one thing and then another to get a grip but sleep didn't come until the sun was on its way up. I was awake again in a few hours feeling a little calmer but still heavy with sadness. I was doing better by the time my sister arrived. Fortunately the house is being maintained to be presentable for visitors since it is up for sale so I didn't have to do any last minute cleaning scramble.

The visit went well enough. Since she is also a gardener we spent most of the time talking plants. She took my son and me out for lunch and much of the talk was about him so that was easy too. My mood was pretty mixed with some anxiety when we were at the restaurant but nothing unmanageable and since my son was there I was able to zone out long enough to settle my nerves before the food came.

I hope too Byz that it is more situational than anything else. I definately feel better now then I did last night. Her sudden phone call did throw me off. She'd said that she had dinner with my brother, his adult children and my dad and his wife and for some reason I was overcome with feeling left out of the occasion. I would have passed had I been invited and it had happened spontaneously anyways and I live an hour away so no reason for me to feel like I did. So out of the blue for me to have such a reaction. In retrospect I think I was more concerned that I might have been a topic of their discussion. What are we going to do about her? It triggered all my feelings of shame and being a disappointment to my family. I had become this obligation. This problem they needed to deal with. So many feelings just started to eat at me and overwhelm me.

My sister and I did talk some about my condition and I did my best to reassure her that I was coping well enough for her and the others not to worry. I get that they care but sometimes I guess I don't feel I deserve it and maybe I don't really trust it either. I didn't share those thoughts with her. I do appreciate their support.

I am feeling better now and hoping things will turn upward again with some rest and self reassurances. I was near panic there for a while. Just not ready for the pit to invade my life again so soon.

History would suggest that mania needs to wind up before the next crash comes and so far I have been able to manage any manic thoughts and behaviours. So it looks like a momentary situational cycling.

Taking it slow and easy and quite tonight. Grateful for the support and hopeful I will be back to level tomorrow.

((((((( sanityseeker )))))))

I'm sorry it's come back Sanity You have my support, all of ours here, and we won't let you fall. x

Thanks Indie and Byz. Feeling better and better as the night goes on. Hoping for some quality sleep tonight and being back on a level track tomorrow.

((((Seeker))))

Never feel that you are over-reacting; in the situation it is just a reaction to a set of circumstances that have brought you to where you are at the moment. You will not be there for long and whether you are in or out of the situation you have our support.

I'm giving you an extra long gentle hug right now and if you want me to sit in your lounge room holding your hand whilst we watch tv then I'm all up for that ...I will be careful with the though seeing as the house is for sale...don't want any mess there...



Rhia

Thank you Rhia I appreciate everyone's support.
Fortunately it didn't throw me off for too long. Had a mindful day today just enjoying quiet reflections in the garden.

I was scared my response to all the mixed emotions was going to cycle me down for another long stay in the pit. I just got out after a year long sentence and thought I might get stuck there again. I was in a near panic.

I am embracing the hug. Thank you..... and pass the popcorn. lol. And my tv of choice tonight was So You Think You Can Dance.

Wishing you well.

So glad that you are feeling better Seeker...teetering on the crevice of the pit is just as frightening as the disease itself. I've been locked in now for 4years. I had depression before that but it just overtook me and won't let me go. I find it easy to support others but when it comes to myself I just don't see any point

Please...enjoy your summertime and your garden...



Rhian

I know what you mean about supporting others versus showing ourselves the same compassion. I am sorry you have been down for so long. For the past 7 years I have been down more than not so this break right now is most welcomed. It is a bit unnerving. Like walking around with a ticking time boom attached to my back. I find it hard to balance my attentiveness to my mood. Panic sets in with the slightest off balance response to anything. I catch myself laughing too enthusiastically and I wonder if I am getting manic. I catch myself feeling jumpy and I wonder if I am heading for a crash. In between time I worry I will self profess a switch. A bit crazy making. I slept a full 7 hours uninterrupted last night. Very unusual for me. I woke a bit frightful. So often long sleeps have triggered a switch. It took me a good long while to orient myself once I woke up.

Wishing you only wellness. Take good care.

(((((sanityseeker)))))

Thanks Pachy. The support feels good.

Just got home from visiting family. Been years now since I made the effort or felt up to the stimulation. It was nice. It felt normal but for a few bumps on the road but I managed to manage them one by one.

Feels good to be home again in the quiet of my space. Its all good.

I didn't sleep well since I had a long sleep the night before but I feel that kind of tired now that might help me get another good one tonight. Here's hoping anyways.

((((Sanity))))

SO glad you had a good day it's really great to hear about you getting out and about; gives me stomach jitters just thinking of going out...

take care and be well too,

Rhian

Thanks Rhian. Yesterday still feels kind of surreal. When I think about it I feel like I am watching a movie of someone who looks like me. The anxiety of overstimulation was manageable but being in the middle of people living their lives around me was like a movie. Hard to explain. Wierd space today.

My family all want me to move closer but to imagine finding a place in 'normal'.... I just don't know. It is one thing to appear every couple of years and reunite... quite another to 'belong' and have a 'normal' place in the mix of 'normal' lives.

I don't know.... just somehow puts a spot light on how alien I am but I am the only one who sees the light. While I seem myself the alien I am stunned by the realization of how dysfunctional everyone else really is. I wonder how they exist. I went crazy. They carry on oblivious of the insanity of thier own lives. Maybe my insanity is recognizing the insanity of life.

Like I said... in a wierd place. How do people do it. I couldn't. I went crazy. How come they aren't. They just keep going and going oblivious. Normal is wierd. lol.

Glad you are safely home, sanityseeker.

Thanks Byz. The effects of the last week of family re-connections is still causing some mood cycling but at least it is good to be safe at home again.

I really appreciate my home and all the blessings that surround me. The pressure to move closer to family and the search for a place to live back in my home town has really shown me how blessed I am here. How many things I take for granted that have become my foundations for coping with my symptoms day by day. The forest spaces, the mountain cliffs, the rivers, my garden and the slower pace of life around here. My home town is consider small but still bigger then where I live now. So much more traffic and noise. Housing options are far from the gifts of nature I have outside my door or within a few minutes walk right now.

I haven't accomplished much today other than to stablize my mood as it swings to and fro, up and down and all around. Thinking about moving triggers so many feelings that are difficult to process so I am trying not to think about it. Thinking about my finances or finding work or considering my son's needs in the mix are too ambiguous. Too hard to deal with right now so just trying not to deal with anything.

No sleep last night. That doesn't help. Almost ready to ask the doc for sleep meds but then I remind myself how dangerous that would be for me. Will need to continue to rely on other ways to try to stop my brain so I can get some sleep.

I enjoyed a lovely walk in the rain this afternoon. I really love the feeling of rain on my face. It just somehow makes everything okay. Nothing else matters except how good the rain feels. Eventually though I have to come inside again to get dry and warm and to be reminded that my life is in limbo and I have no vision for my future. I am being dogged by wolves to step into a new path and all I really want is to stay safe in my cave.

I appreciate anyone listening to my ongoing saga of resisting change and whatever else is going on with me these mixed up days.

Sanity I understand these feelings of not feeling worth someone caring about me. But there are people that care about us, people that care and love you and you do deserve it. It is just the depression talking to you. It's like a wretched demon that steals your soul and sucks you dry. Sometimes you feel there is no way out. However as hard as it is and hard as it is to see, you can make it through. Believe in yourself and in strength, you can conquer this one tiny step at a time! Please feel better Sanity.

Thank you Cyborg. I appreciate the encouragement and support. It helps to remember that my assessment is blurred and my fears magnified by the cycling moods. While my depression has broken for a time the reciduals are always present. After such a long episode of depression I seem to still see and process things through the depressive lens.

wishing you well cyborg and welcome to PC. I look forward to getting to know you as time goes on. Take good care.

My dearest Sanity, oh dear heart I am so verry sorry! Here you are feeling as bad as me and not saying a word about it to me. Why do we all suffer so? This dreadful condition just isn't fair. The one's who seem to give the most also suffer the most.

But we have this uncanny ability to pick up how others are feeling, without really knowing. So here I am giving you what you have been giving the last few days. Muyluv and support. Big gentle hugs

I hope all goes well with you and your sister!

Thank you Bobbie. You are sweet to reach out. I appreciate your friendship.

Yes I agree that surreal is a good adjective for watching other peoples lives play out when one has been isolated out of forced choice for so long.

The family I had were past weird, so dysfunctional that I felt normal and that is saying A LOT lolllll!

But I am so very happy that your family actually want to support you and work with you on life. Whatever you choose to do I just really hope for you happiness and a feeling of being loved and protected; you are so special and deserve to spread your wings and fly

Rhiannon

Thanks Rhian,
You always make me feel better. I am very lucky to have a supportive family. It is hard letting them in just the same. So much baggage keeps me behind my walls. time will tell if I let my defenses down. I don't take the gift of my family for granted but I do still hide from them. I perform to give them who they want to see. I was always the go to person so it is hard not to maintain the imagine just to keep the family balance.

Hope you are well today and not mad at me about last night. I am sorry for being so difficult sometimes. I would hate to think you have given up on me but will understand if you do. Helping me can hurt. That's why I don't let my family help. I don't want them to get hurt when I don't do the right thing sometimes. I know how exasperating that can be for people.