[planetjanka]

Not sure how to put this coherently, but I'll try, because I feel truly desperate and don't know what to do. I started a new job in a new country last year, and got overwhelmed and depressed soon after that. Since I didn't know how the country's mental health system worked, and didn't feel up to taking all the steps necessary to see a doctor, I put it off until last September, when I also started getting flashbacks, was crying constantly and, worst of all, couldn't sleep and concentrate at work, so finally I couldn't work at all.
I finally made an appointment (which felt like a huge accomplishment, believe it or not), told him the symptoms I was experiencing. He gave me some anti-anxiety meds and a sick leave. It gets a little better, but then I try to work, can't, ashamed of it, get frustrated, and start spinning out of control again.
Now, I've been on sick leave for over a month and a half (!!!), and the doctor is getting frustrated with me. There is a 3-6 months wait for a psychologist, so there isn't any other doctor I can go to, and I just feel like I can't come to this (very nice) general practitioner again, and whine about how I can't stop crying and can't just make myself stop feeling hopeless. I feel like I'm just making him frustrated and annoyed with me. I think I'll just say "I'm feeling so much better, thanks for your help", I can't stand another person thinking I'm weak and can't get over myself. Since I'm not doing my work, I'm afraid they are going to just fire me. I would quit, but I have nowhere to go.
I'm not sure myself what I expect from anyone on this forum, I just can't stand feeling like this any longer.

[Rapunzel]

Are you on the waiting list for a psychologist? It often takes trying more than a few medications before you find something that helps, and even then, medication doesn't cure mental illness. It only makes it a little bit easier to deal with the symptoms. It is hard being in a new country and having to adjust and worrying about your job and everything that comes along with moving and being away from the people you know and everything. It is harder for some people than for others. There is a reason you are feeling this way, and there is help, but you have to be honest. You won't get what you need if you tell the doctor you are feeling better and you aren't.

If you have moved farther north than you lived before, Seasonal Affective Disorder might be part of your difficulty. I would love to live in Scandinavia, but I don't know if I could deal with the very short days, and also just that it is hard to live there when you are from someplace else. Even though it is beautiful and there are so many good things there.

Light therapy could be helpful. You might ask your doctor about it. There are also different medicines to try that work better even when others have not worked. Having support is very important too. Don't give up! It can get better.

[sundog]

Hi planetjanka. I'm really sorry you're suffering so much. Please try not feel bad about being honest with your doctor. It's his job to help you. And he needs to know that you need more help. I'm not sure why he prescribed you anti-anxiety medication if your main symptom is depression. Have you ever been on an anti-depressant? Please try and talk to your doctor about this. Not that anti-depressants are a magic cure, but they do help some people a lot. I really hope you can get to see the doctor again very soon to disucss further options with him. Let us know how you are doing!

[planetjanka]

Thanks, Rapunzel. The doctor I am seeing does talk to me, not just prescribes me meds, it's just that I feel like I have nothing new to say. It gets a little better, when I can get some sleep, and then there are times like now (it's after 7 am here, and I'm still just trying to calm myself down enough to even try to get some sleep). Isn't insanity doing (or saying) the same thing and expecting a different result? What do I want him to say/do that he hasn't already done? I know I shouldn't lie and just say I'm better, but I'm afraid of feeling even more alone and paranoid... Besides, English is neither mine nor the doc's native language, and I feel guilty enough making him speak it all the time (ouch, I really hope nobody from my "real world" is part of this site, I'd be found out immediately).
The short days thing doesn't bother me that much. It's strange, sure, a little disorienting, but there are so many things that make me miserable that a little less daylight is hardly noticeable...

[venusss]

where did you live before? Do you live alone? Have you suffered depression before? How long are you planning to live there?

You know culture shock might as well be one of the causes. Short days (Scandinavia is notorious for their depression rate). Not knowing the language could also cause anxiety, because you feel appart of the happening - are you learning it?

I am not saying it's not a medical problem, might be. But it might be a problem of new immigrant in new land... I know people who moved to foreign countries and became absolutelly overwhelmed... I live in foreign country too, I knew it was temporary and I knew the language, but it was frustrating at times.

Don't know where you live, but aren't there other foreigners you could talk to, maybe even from your place? I am not saying you should cling to them, but it could be interesting experience and might help. Do you have some friends among native?

[Gently1]

please check in with your dr.
When I did she was surprised that I would hesitate to see her, I was not a waste of time she stated clearly. And you are not a waste of your doctors time. This is their profession.
Before i got into T, i could call and her office assistant would say 20 or 30 min?
Not all family doctors are created equal, and it took me two years to say what I was really feeling. Tried to hide my pain, but she was on to me and took care of me. Let you Dr do the same.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by planetjanka

Now, I've been on sick leave for over a month and a half (!!!), and the doctor is getting frustrated with me.

Hi planetjanka,

Maybe he was frustrated at himself or at the system rather than with you? I think doctors do really hate it when they can't just fix something or offer more help. I bet he would never believe it's your fault. I mean what if you had cancer or another serious illness, I hope a doctor wouldn't tell you to "hurry up and get better" or "just get over it." Depression is equally a very serious illness and it seems like you are doing all you can to fight it. The best way is through medication and psychotherapy.
I just wanted to add: Have you had your vitamin D levels checked? I had terrible anxiety when my level was extremely low and it made my depression markedly worse. You might ask this doc if he can run a blood test to check for any nutritional deficiencies to rule them out (if you have not already). Sending warm wishes your way and hope for you to feel much better...

Elana

[planetjanka]

Hi Elana,

thanks for those words. I originally got to this site last night, because I was finding it seriously hard to get through the night. Yes, it definitely feels much more than just a case of being upset, or tired, or under pressure etc. etc. I guess what I am afraid of is hearing things like "well, you've had time to get some sleep, rest and try to think rationally, you'll just have to buck up" or something to this effect. I've been thinking all of this myself, just asking myself what my problem really is, but I am somehow picking the same signals from the doctor (or I'm being paranoid, since I'm overreacting to everything), and I don't think I can bare hearing something like this.
I'll ask about vitamin D, I might just start taking it anyway, without the blood test, days here are growing very short...
Anyway, thank you so much for the support, it made the last 24 hours just a little more bearable...

[planetjanka]

thank you so much for the support. I don't know if I can find the right words to express to the doc that I am in some sort of crisis, and that there doesn't seem to be one particular reason for it. I also hate to sound dramatic. I'm just picking up something like "so what do you propose we do now" from him, and I want to scream. Not used to falling into pieces in public, and certainly not in front of a person I don't know...

[planetjanka]

Hi VenusHalley,

you're asking the right questions, all the things about being in a foreign country do apply, just not to the degree you might think. I lived in the US for quite some time, but I'm not American. Sorry for being so cryptic, I'd love to actually answer with specifics, but it would be really easy to identify me if, by some coincidence, somebody who knows at least some part of my story reads this. And actually if I'm thought of as unstable, it would finish off my career once and for all (it's nothing very secret, but our international community is very small, and ability to be rational and logical, very energetic and mobile is a must).

[Elana05]

Hi again,

Depression can be so wiley to make you ask those questions such as "what is really wrong with me? Why can't I just pull myself out of this??" I do know how you feel. Just keep breathing deeply... and keep in touch with your doctor. If it is too overwhelming, maybe you could simply go to a hospital and speak to someone there? Especially if you are not feeling safe alone... I mean you're not alone, we on pc are all here with you... but if you are feeling so bad that you can't cope, I hope you won't hesitate to seek someone out, even if you must go to a hospital or clinic.

Elana

The new RDA for vitamin D is around 200 to 400 IU. But if you are deficient you may need a good deal more to start...

[planetjanka]

Hi,

thanks again. Yep, I do feel like I'm barely coping. The thing is, I'm still trying to understand how the system here even works (new country, and I had no time to actually familiarize myself with emergency services). Well, I did find out the # for medical emergencies last night (no 911, separate numbers for different emergencies).
I'll see the doctor on Tuesday, and I'll try to ask him what to do if it feels like I can't stand it anymore. If I can get the words out. You've no idea how much it helps just to know that there's a person somewhere who'll read my desperate rambling.

[venusss]

Originally Posted by planetjanka

Hi VenusHalley,

you're asking the right questions, all the things about being in a foreign country do apply, just not to the degree you might think. I lived in the US for quite some time, but I'm not American. Sorry for being so cryptic, I'd love to actually answer with specifics, but it would be really easy to identify me if, by some coincidence, somebody who knows at least some part of my story reads this. And actually if I'm thought of as unstable, it would finish off my career once and for all (it's nothing very secret, but our international community is very small, and ability to be rational and logical, very energetic and mobile is a must).

It's okay, you don't have to answer in public, i was just wondering if the place where you live might not be one of the main causes of stress.