Shame, Empathy and Connectedness...

My father sent me this presentation of Dr Brene Brown, who is a social researcher in Houston Texas. Apart from her wonderful accent, this woman is well, just "loveable" and hits on some incredibly poignant topics. It made me laugh and it made me cry.

She talks of shame, fear, vulnerability and love and how this all relates to connectedness and her journey in accepting the messy or the Unknown. Having been on a long personal mission of self discovery (something outside the therapists office), I found that Dr Brown summed up something I had long denied or at least, could not put a voice or name to what was "wrong". I am still trying to "feel" what I "understand", but I wanted to share with you.

It is quite a long piece, but incredibly important. Please watch it if you can. I hope you enjoy it.



Michah

Thank you, Michah.

I really loved it Michah. Thank you for sharing. I'm sharing it with others too.

~ Namaste

Micah, This is so amazing. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I will definitely be looking for more from Brene Brown. My heart almost stopped watching this because these were thoughts I was struggling with this morning - the deep shame I feel and the fear I keep experiencing - a fear of exposing myself. I will discuss Brown's insights with my therapist.

Yes, Suratji! I felt the same as you. And I did watch some other stuff from this Dr as well. She has wonderful insight, and being a scientist, she explians very important emotions without the "emotionality" of them. That is important to me as I struggle to understand emotions and what they mean to me.

When she said in the beginning, "If you can't measure it, it doesn't exist" I think I stopped breathing for a second. My whole life has been like that. One big science experiement with very little room for the Unknown or spirit. I am trying to turn that around a bit. I can still be a scientist, but also be a spiritualist. Oh, how I cried Very rpofound for me and I am glad you liked it. Your therapist may also get something out of it for future clients.

Spiritual Emergency, I am so glad you liked it and Byz too. It was good to able to share something with you guys as you have always been so willing to share with me

Shame needs to be talked about. There are many things I could list that I felt shameful about. It was a revelation.

Take care and big hugs everyone,

Michah

I just wonder though, how does one really manage emotions of shame. I really liked what Brene Brown spoke about - could really really resonate but there was not much that explained how to cope with it. I've just discovered for myself that one of my core issues is shame. I hadn't really realized it before. Anyways, I've ordered her 2 books and maybe there will be good advice there. I sure hope my therapist is familiar with her research.

.......hhhmmmmm

gonna light up a few e-mail addresses with this one......

I've also realized, within myself that vulnerabilty kicks-off
quite a few other emotions.......like she said...

...and, I am what I am, cuz it was what it was, and, it is what it is...

....thanks Mics......luv yaa!

Sparrow, my dear and loving friend!!!......great to see you

Glad you liked it.

Ah yes, vulnerabilty.......the Great crusade.......and the Holy Grail.......
I wish for pure, undiluted, joyful vulnerability. it sounds so free, to be truly me......and be safe while doing it.

Michah

Possibly, just by acknowledging the shame within, we start to manage the emotion of shame.....although "manage" may be too strong a word, if you get my meaning.

"Acceptance" is probably a more peaceful and non-confrontational way of living with shame. When I watched this and identified with my own shame, I applied the same rules to it as I do with anger, sadness and fear. It is there, it exists for a reason, so how do I love it more and make shame less "shameful"?

Still working on that......don't know if that helps you, but I have a very simplistic way of looking at things. Working it out is a little more complex

Take care and hope your therapist knows of her work.

Michah

Micah, well it seems too mysterious to me. Anger is a poor response and can be re-learned, sadness can be cognitively addressed, fear can be explored and maybe it can lose its bite, but shame is caused (in my case) by knowing I've done something wrong (bad) and it doesn't seem right to 'accept' it.

Please pardon my short absence, for I had some e-mails to officially light?

Interesting of how she spoke of spiritual awakening.....the start....then she actually put a time on it......a year, right?.......then...it definately was
not what she expected......thats funny!....predicting god....

In business there is a saying....if I dont take the risk, I cant claim the reward......risks and rewards....same thing in life, or the business of life

I, myself am in a position of vulnerability....again....and its uncomfortable..

In the realm of the spirit there is another saying, and its from one of my
favorite songs....if I dont take the chance,the angels wont dance

.....dag mics....ur either up late......or up early

Yep, I get exactly what you mean. It feels counterintuitive to accept it, when we have done wrong. I have done many shameful things in my past, and I have had shame exacted upon me(told I was stupid, weird, unacceptable and so on).......

So, for me the way to accept shame was to forgive. Forgive myself and others......and ask for forgiveness. For my shame comes from my deep loathing and fear of my humanity. The part that makes me feel. I could never express what others felt. I could never express what I felt, and so I became ashamed. Even as a child, I wanted to be a robot, or a Vulcan like Spock and live with logic, the Known. I could not understand why others did not want to live like I did, and they made me feel ashamed for my difference.

I was also ashamed because I closeted and held close those emotions that others had. I wanted to feel like they did, I just didn't know how. And so I exacted shame upon myself for my failures. I still don't really grasp it, and I probably never will, but I feel more moments of joy and less shame as time goes on, because I accepted it.

Forgiveness goes a long way in accepting shame. Forgiveness makes shame, less shameful. This is just some of my own musings on this very difficult and endearing journey.

Take care,

Michah

Thanks so much for sharing this (((((( Michah )))))))

Wonderful video and talk.....I got a lot out of it and it actually put words to situations that I had no words for.

She's an excellent storyteller!

Up early, dear sparrow Got a bunch of teenagers marauding through my house today. Exhausting. Gotta clean.
Yeah, I liked the part where she had "breakdown" in really small words and "spiritual awakening" in really BIG words I laughed till I cried with that one. So true.

Vulnerabilty is uber scary. One of the most scary of all states......can you talk of it, Sparrow or should we leave it for another time? Big hugs

Love the lyrics to that song about the angels dancing. I am going to remember that.

Gotta pull my socks up and start cleaning.......Queensland in a state of extreme vulnerability.....floods and damage and livelihoods lost......love a sunburnt country But gosh, it can test people to the limit.....



Michah

Micah,
Very wise words. I remember something in the video about accepting our non-perfection. In the world as it's portrayed around us, people would probably not even raise an eyebrow at my failings and faults. But they seriously challenge my previously held self-image and have created tremendous guilt feelings. Probably my standards are too high - maybe no human could reasonably achieve them but I believe the ideal is there to strive for. One very good result of my failings is that I am less eager to judge other people now. So, in a way, recognizing my faults has helped me be a bit more compassionate towards other people. Like it's said, "Don't judge unless you've walked in their shoes". I have been judged and it feels terrible.

Suratji, you are loved........dearly and without judgement
For all the things...that make you, you. It is being able to recognise it, the challenge, or it is for me.

I believe that acceptance will come, but it requires work and the most terrifying of truths.......

The truth shall set us free........for nothing is worth anything without pain and joy in equal measure.

Ahhhh the lessons we learn.

You brave, loving human being

Michah

PS: Apologies if my words are all about the wrong way. My dyslexia is dyslexic today

Hello darling Sabby! So good to see you again

Glad you liked it and got something from it

And she is a great story teller......."stories are data with a soul". Love it.

Michah

Micah, You have said the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Thank you. I'm eager to continue to explore the subject of shame/guilt in myself and I'm confident that Dr. Brown's books will greatly help.

I probably should have said more in my post, but was unable to at the time. You know how work is, it always gets in the way of what I want to do

I think the thing that resonated the most with me was the saying "I am enough". It took me a loooooooooooong time to get to that point in my life. I struggle with it now and again, but not like I used to. It took a lot of self reflection (as opposed to infliction LOL). A LOT of being willing to be vulnerable to myself, never mind anyone else.

I also resonated with her "breakdown vs spiritual awakening". It sure felt like I was breaking down when I was learning to open up to being vulnerable. But as I look back on it, when I was finally in touch with my vulnerability, what developed was indeed a spiritual awakening. I just never really put words to it like she did. That part brought tears to my eyes.

I'm definitely going to look up her books....I'm sure they will be an eye opening read

ya Michah!

Sabby,
"... being in touch with my vulnerability" - so, sure, we feel vulnerable and being open to vulnerability means being open to being hurt. I wonder how one can consciously be open to hurt. And hurt is not necessarily a passive experience. We must also know/learn how to respond appropriately. It just seems like a nice concept, a wonderful concept, but how does it play out in real life?

Wow! first-
I can't believe that you have a father that would send this! I'm not familiar with you at all but.... gee.....your father sent this?..... can I say that - that is some father you must have... how did you get so lucky?!

my father died years ago -- but I know he'd never, in a million years, care to read or hear of anything like this. (my whole family is VERY anti-therapy/psychology- they're of the mindset "if you have an issue, you shut up about it, drink or "use" in privacey and keep pretending)

second--
thank you, thank you for sharing this- I so enjoyed it.
and so related to it!

best to all

fins

to me, it is the realization that we are both ephemeral and eternal that builds the foundation for acceptance: of both gain and loss, shame and compassion, calm and change... we are an enigma of duality.

Real quick......

I feel, from my own experiences, that there is a difference between
"vulnerability" and "violation" inwhich needs to be separated, and identified
before any type of healing can occur. This holds true, especially within
myself, for I am a person who has been dx'ed with serious mental
disorders.

The goal for my intense outpatient therapy is, "elimination of internal confusion"........

I think I see your point. Accepting one's vulnerability and its consequences seems quite different than exposing oneself to violation. On a mental level, what would qualify as violation? That's a very good question. I also feel very confused. I've been accused of taking things too personally and being too sensitive. It's so hard to correct that tendency.

Perhaps it's not about correcting or fixing that tendency. You mentioned acceptance. Maybe we need strategies to raise the floor some, or lower the sky, so that there is less distance to fall. Filling in some holes might help with that; realizing that our sensitivity is a strength unless we let it hurt us.