[SolutionIsProcess]

School ended about a month ago and as a result I've had a lot more free time on my hand. It was nice at first because my schedule was so full, but it now it's so light that I'm really bored. I'm okay with boring sometimes though, but lately, it's been getting worse than bored. I have been experiencing a lot of external and internal things that I feel I have no control over.

I am in the process right now of losing both of my jobs. One of them actually provides me with free housing, so that is kind of a big deal. I have a place I could stay for the summer though, but I will need a new place for September when school starts back up. My other job that is also probably going to let me go, I just don't think I'm cut out for that one anyway (it's basically like a data entry job). It's the first job I'm going to lose that burns the most, because I feel like I'm just being treated really coldly there now. My mother's death anniversary was last week too so I was already starting out rough a week ago.

This has all just seemed to start happening so fast and from out of nowhere. Last night, I did not sleep, and earlier this afternoon I was experiencing something scary in my body that felt like the beginning of a panic attack. I feel like everything is completely going out of control right now and I don't know what to do. Add to that there's nothing else I'm able to think about. My appetite has been really poor and I look like I'm dropping a little weight when I look in the mirror.

I know that in the long run I'll probably be alright. I am starting school back up in September and the loans will help me to get by, but this has just been a really horrible experience and on an emotional level I almost feel like I'm not going to survive psychologically...and that what this all really means is that I am a failure in life, and that I can't do anything right. In other words, I ultimately feel like I'm doomed personally and professionally.

I struggled a lot with depression when I was younger and up until my early twenties. I haven't felt this bad since then. But it's a different bad. This bad feels worse to me because I thought I overcame all my struggles and now it seems like I'm being forced back into them.

What should I do? I don't know really have anyone in my city I can talk to about stuff like this and am feeling really low.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hi There,

I have panic and anxiety and what you are describing is exactly that. Can you find a counsellor online or close by? It needs treatment rather than letting it get worse.

Keep us up to date on how you are going

Hello, SolutionIsProcess. Have you watched Brene Brown's video on the Power of Vulnerability?

http://www.creativeradiance.com/2011...vulnerability/

[Open Eyes]

Well Solutioninprocess,
You dont have much on your about me page and I don't know how old you are or even your male or female.

So in general it sounds like you have a lot of changes happening all at once and your not finished with the process period. You have a lot to process yet and losing a parent is a lot. It really sounds like you are losing a lot of things all at once along with your confidence in who you are.

But that happens to many people, sometimes it can come all at once, one of my constant questions has been, "Why does everything happen all at once?" It seems that no matter how I try to space something out, it all comes at once. But it is not the end.

If you do lose your jobs you can collect unemployment I think depending on where you are. But you may find a better job and an opportunity may just be on the horizon. Thats the thing about life, something can pop up and you look back and say, well, if I hadn't lost that job or that housing etc. I would have never met my new best friend or found this really good job or maybe a mate for life.

You do have school to look forward to in the fall and summer does go by fast. So, if you can take time out for yourself try. Try not to think of this as you are failing. You just came to and end with some things and new things need to come in.

And remembering the loss of you mother is separate, don't clump it all together. It can be viewed differently, it is all up to you. It sounds like you don't have others depending on you and so your free to think about what you want and need, enjoy that time in your life. Your only a failure if you give up, your not going to do that, you have more school ahead. Now you can check out other possible jobs, maybe a neat summer job that puts you around other new people.

Open Eyes

[SolutionIsProcess]

Hey, that was a really cool video! Thanks.

I am somewhat reluctant to post additional information about myself on here because I am a future LMHC.

I have been seeing a new therapist for about 1 month but I haven't had the chance to meet with him yet since all of this stuff has happened, but we are meeting in a week and I will probably have enough material to keep us busy for the next few sessions.

I am going to find out today whether or not I am losing the job that provides me with free room & board. At this point, I honestly don't care if they let me go. I just want it to be over with. I screwed up professionally and am willing to take responsibilty, but I am fed up with the hostile environment I've been subjected to there by leadership. Even if they don't fire me, I am going to put in my notice and leave. I can't imagine keeping my sanity if I stay there. I have thought about taking legal action against the business (I have documented a lot of things in my favor + witnesses) but I don't know if I would want to put myself through the stress that comes with that. These people do not have kind intentions toward me, and I would hate to see them at their worst.

Last night was another sleepless night. I am sitting upright in my bed now with my laptop. Other than trouble falling asleep and on a regular cycle, I have also been feeling a lot of social anxiety. Today, I went grocery shopping and froze for a half minute in the store thinking I was going to have a panic attack. It was even worst on the train. Depending on what neighborhood I am walking in the city, sometimes I get nervous that someone might be following me and about to attack me. Crazy, right? But once I'm home, I feel safe. This is not like me at all.

I've been thinking a lot more about mindfulness, which my previous T turned me on to a little, and my current T has really been teaching me about. I've also been thinking about exercising again, but it's been tough trying to motivate myself.

Unfortunately, I cannot collect unemployment. The job I'm going to lose (probably) today only provided room & board, not money, and I never did any formal paperwork that would track me as an 'employee'. And the second job that I now think I could either keep or lose is only temporary and I just started it a few weeks ago. I doubt I could get any kind of unemployment compensation.

The good news is that I have another roof over my head for the summer and will have loans to get me through school and whatnot starting in a couple of months. If I can find a new place to live for September (the sooner the better for anxiety purposes) and brush up on my self-care skills (sleep, eat, exercise) then I should be ok

And of course, I am wide open to any suggestions. Thank you all very much for connecting with me. These forums are a blessing.

[Open Eyes]

It is not unusual to have a little social anxiety when you are in a confused state and have feelings of inadequacy about it. So don't let that get to you, I really think that it is a common response. But definitely work on regaining direction like you are and your feelings will improve. Maybe you could get something that you can take at night to relax you and allow you to sleep. Maybe something even herbal. Getting sleep is so important to feel energy and get into some type of exercise program etc.

My husband's constant messages is Change a thought, Move a muscle. That can work. Feeling like someone is going to attack you is part of being unsettled and it is the insecurity about it that gives an extra feeling about being vulnerable. Try to be in the moment when you feel that anxiety coming on. Just concentrate on the simplicity of the moment and that in that moment you cant change the world etc.

If you are leaving a work situation that causes you stress, good. No one deserves to live in a constant battle at work and everyone makes mistakes, you have learned something.

Just trying to send some positive thoughts.

Open Eyes

[madisgram]

~and that what this all really means is that I am a failure in life, and that I can't do anything right. In other words, I ultimately feel like I'm doomed personally and professionally.~

this seems like depression is distorting your vision of self. that's why you can't see who you really are. you seem to be doing a lot of positive things in your life, school, being independent, etc. don't lose sight of these.

another thought we sometimes revisit "false beliefs" about ourselves. like "i can't keep a job so i'm worthless." this setback has thrown you for a loop. try to see your job situation as a setback but one you can resolve. it's a temporary situation. i'm glad you have a place to live over the summer. one less thing you have to worry about as you turn things around. try to find something over the summer to replace your jobs.
this article and video may help you:
http://jonathanbudd.com/false-beliefs/

from what you posted i can tell you are a very responsible person and have been positively creative to continue on your self improvement in life. i'm sure it will all work out. you have perseverance. keep us posted okay? we're here for you.

[greensept]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

It is not unusual to have a little social anxiety when you are in a confused state and have feelings of inadequacy about it. So don't let that get to you, I really think that it is a common response. But definitely work on regaining direction like you are and your feelings will improve. Maybe you could get something that you can take at night to relax you and allow you to sleep. Maybe something even herbal. Getting sleep is so important to feel energy and get into some type of exercise program etc.

My husband's constant messages is Change a thought, Move a muscle. That can work. Feeling like someone is going to attack you is part of being unsettled and it is the insecurity about it that gives an extra feeling about being vulnerable. Try to be in the moment when you feel that anxiety coming on. Just concentrate on the simplicity of the moment and that in that moment you cant change the world etc.

If you are leaving a work situation that causes you stress, good. No one deserves to live in a constant battle at work and everyone makes mistakes, you have learned something.

Just trying to send some positive thoughts.

Open Eyes

I know what you are saying....and I have tried these things but for some reason it hasn't worked for me.

[SolutionIsProcess]

Update:

Things are getting a little better. I haven't been as anxious lately, though until things blow over with work I will still have my moments, I'm sure. My appetite has been a little better, and my sleep, while not totally back to what it was before, is improving.

So one of my jobs (the one that provides me with a place to stay) basically told me they would give me 2 options: terminate now, or go on for the next 30 days as if nothing happened and write my resignation letter just saying that I'm moving on to better things. Do you think they are trying to coerce me here or what? I don't want to stay with them regardless, not after the last couple of weeks, but the whole thing just seems kind of screwed up to me.

I attribute a lot my improvement as of late to practicing mindfulness, and reaching out to friends who care about me and I care about them. That has probably been helping me a lot. I also checked out an Al-Anon meeting. My mother unexpectedly died of liver cirrhosis when I was 19 and people have always told me I should go to those meetings to help deal with it. I've also been going out for walks and visiting lakes, just trying to get away and have some 'me' time that doesn't revolve around school or my work. It's helping, but I am in a transitional phase right now and it's going to be a while I think before I can settle back into a comfortable existence.

When I feel overwhelmed in instances like recently, that is when I tend to have false beliefs about myself or just become really unkind toward myself. My self-talk is just generally negative sometimes. People are surprised when they hear this because I do have a lot of accomplishments in my life that one should be proud of, but I've learned that success just means you've reached a goal; it doesn't mean you're any better off than anyone else, that your problems are any easier (though people think they must be).

I'm still human, and I am still a developing professional trying to figure out this thing called life. I have done a lot of work on myself over the years but I still have a lot to do, and probably always will.

Hello, SolutionIsProcess.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-...e-distortions/
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/fix...e-distortions/
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...essing-you-out
http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/48485
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...-inner-critic/

[Open Eyes]

It is about being in the moment sometimes SolutioninProcess,

Perhaps a few Al-Anon meetings may help. You could have some unsettled feelings that you are not aware of yet.

Being unkind to yourself because of being overwhelmed is a common response, I wanted to say normal but I don't think anyone is really normal, everyone has struggles and issues they deal with, Im not really sure there is a normal, but I do think there are normal responses. In your job, you sort of lost the control. If you do make the change and finally move on and find another place to be productive, you will feel better about yourself.

And your right, reaching goals does not mean that you have successfully escaped from the challenges of life, that will always be there. But what you can change is your response to yourself because that will help you through lifes challenges. You are going to be goal setting for the rest of your life, that is participating in life and it isn't about being better than anyone else either. Having a goal to be better than others is not really a goal, a good goal is just working on reaching all your potential and accepting that at times your are not going to be perfect and some things can and will come harder to you, while other things may be easier.

And that" me" time does help, you have to learn to love yourself and give yourself credit. The mindfulness is about that. It is not all about work and school, it is enjoying yourself too. Do you know that some people really don't know how to enjoy themselves? They sometimes feel that if they aren't productive then they aren't worth it. But part of being productive is about taking time out to enjoy yourself, enjoy things around you. You have to learn to do that, many people are very good at punishing themselves. Perhaps you had learned that from your mother without realizing it. That was her life not yours, your going to be different, your making different choices, your choices.

Yes, you are just human, give yourself a break, cause your not going to be perfect. And your going to be trying to figure your way through life as long as you live so dont project, just live it.

Open Eyes

[SolutionIsProcess]

Just an update for everyone...

I have been on the upswing during the past week and think I am going to be okay.

There are a number of actions I took because I felt an urgency to care for myself before things got worse...

*I fixed my sleep habits. It was not easy to get a normal schedule back, and sometimes I'm still up a little later than I should be, but I am now going to bed around 1:00 a.m. and waking up no later than 10:00 a.m.

*I became a non-smoker. I have always struggled with this one, but I started practicing a mindfulness technique combined with some buddhist philosophy and wouldn't you know it, I let go of cigarettes pretty easily...and now I have tools to use when I have cravings. Being a non-smoker has also helped me sleep better and feel healthier/happier.

*I started practicing mindfulness. I eluded to this already, but I have found mindfulness to be useful for a number of things. The overriding theme of it for me though has been not only noticing my body sensations and emotions, but also not judging them or trying to resist them, and rather accepting them. I locate the sensations in my body, give them a color, shape, observe them, and accept them.

*I started going to Al-Anon meetings. I have been to three of them over the last week, and not only is it helping me in regards to my issues with my deceased mother (she died of liver cirrhosis from drinking), but I am also realizing that I am not as alone as I thought in how I have been affected by growing up in an alcoholic home, and that maybe I'm not so strange after all. Being in an environment like this, where people are vulnerable and sharing their feelings, getting in touch with what is alive inside of them, is extremely helpful to me. I tend to benefit from these types of environments.

*I started cooking for myself. I know this sounds strange, but this has really helped me. I have always eaten super healthy, but now I am eating even healthier and cooking (or just preparing, if it is raw) the food myself! About a third of my diet is the same thing every day, and it is doing wonders for my body.

Some more updates...

The job that provided me with room/board did somewhat coerce me into leaving the company, and I felt really angry about it at first, but I've accepted it now and realized that the place wasn't a good fit for me anyway, and that my performance style would do better in another environment. They didn't pay me anyway, and I can support myself financially through my other job, so I decided it wasn't worth being upset over anymore.

Some bad news though...

I was denied the Graduate PLUS loan that I need to pay the rest of my tuition and living expenses for graduate school due to an old debt from 4 years ago. However, I've made arrangements with the collection agency to settle the debt over the next 2 weeks, and then I should be approved for the loan. In the event that I am not, I have been invited to move to Oregon, so I may do that just for the heck of it and then reapply to a cheaper graduate program next year (either out there or somewhere else in the country) where my subsidized and unsubsidized loans will be enough to cover my tuition. I'm not sweating it. I've already decided whatever is going to happen is going to happen, and I can only do my best by doing the right thing. I'll be in graduate school one way or another eventually. Why beat myself up over this?

Anyway, I am feeling much better. I am thinking about facing some other issues in my life soon (family stuff) so I will probably be posting here again looking for some input.

Honestly, a lot of the comments here brought a genuine smile to my face during a time where I felt like my world was caving in on me and I was all alone. I don't have many people in my life that understand psychology or know how to offer support in the way the folks here do. Your support and overall kindness made me believe again, and I can't thank you enough. You folks inspired me. This forum is a true blessing.

Peace and love to all