[beauflow]

my boyfriend mentioned the other day maybe i've been too much on dx and on this site. Maybe i should take a break. By no means i don't think he was saying to stop therapy. I think he was tellin me to live life a little- in other words be in the moment which i'm trying to achieve but i fail now and before therapy with that. Idk i know he's being helpful and i get it. But also i need to work on me. Some times it's great to live life and other times if taken in a new meaning it can be disasterous. What i mean by that is that i could interpret live life as go do what ever, as i did when i was younger and not think. I'm trying to interpret it as be in the moment but still That's ever so hard when the mind is not settled and is about to explode, how to live life then? Ugh. Idk. Just thought i'd share maybe it'll help some. Some times i am confused by it or life it self so i guess That's why i don't get it always

[madisgram]

beauflow, i can relate. years ago i told my T "I don't do life well." it's been a journey of learning coping skills. i do life better now. so try not to get discouraged. it's a work in progress. at least for me it has gotten better. sometimes it is painful but i forge ahead. i want the best life i can have.

I think its questionable when other people tell "you" to live life etc. Perhaps they are running rather then living and can't bear other peoples "misery"? I had to "do" therapy and other things to heal my life inside of me, then gradually I opened up to the external world. Only "you" know what and long it takes and only you know what it is thata best for you.

[turquoisesea]

I think there is some truth to that. Doesn't mean you should stop posting here if this HELPS you - one thing is that you can't just make it magically go away. Some people don't understand how much a place like this can help. But it can also hinder by sucking all your time to the point you don't enjoy life... so don't go to either extremese, try to find something inbetween =)

[buddhablessd]

Thanks for that,

I totally agree, so so true. BB

[beauflow]

Thank you all for your replies on this...

Turquoisesea- Yeah I can see how sucking up time can be not living, and too much time on something and to try to find a balance. (I got a kitten the other day- so it will start to balance out as my boyfriend i think would like, cuz cats I just spend more time with than dogs (we have a dog that is why I mention that) and plus this kitty is feral so he needs lots of help to know humans are friendly, which means more time showing him it is ok)
But another thing that is a problem with me, is finding balance-- I have trouble finding true balance... I either want to jump in and do it right away, or just leave it and not come back to it.... I need to work on that I know.

Thanks Madisgram and Earthmamma- I will try not be discouraged with this and keep trying be better. and truly yes, only I can say what I truly need and need to work on.

My boyfriend just i think he hates to see me down, angry and so on... I think he as I do, wishes "it would go away" but we both know it wont. I hope he is not running away but then again I really dont think he is- he has been through worse with me being down (i think i do forget how bad I get some times). And I have been around people that are running away (family members) and they pushed me away a lot harder.. This with my boyfriend did truely seem like a genuine suggestion to help.

I do think he does not quiet understand that the Psych central web site has helped me. I have read so many things on dx's, but talking with people that share the same, it has helped with not feeling such a mess and also with suggestions and hope for me to have a better life.

I just don't fully understand Live Life/Live in the Moment---- Especially if I am thinking badly or psychotically with things.... I must be misunderstanding something. i get live life when playing with the kitten, laughing with my boyfriend about jokes, being at his parents for dinner and talking, etc (the good things)... but really, live life in the moment when you are thinking of bad thoughts? Guess that is where the Coping skills come in...
In a way that is a little contradicted, ok I am being a butt nugget now..

Another thing is - I am just realizing that a lot of things I stuff down with him, and which as we all know stuffing emotions is not good aka bottle it up. I am also realizing my pattern with blowing up at people due to my stuffing down turns into feeling pushed around, even if a person is not intentionally doing it; which leads to a breaking up cuz I feel pushed around and taken advantage of. So I am trying to find out how to not stuff, but not react so swiftly, but yet not stuff it still... I am a little lost on how to do that- which is something I will need to work on and talk to my therapist about. I have been sharing more with him on this as well lately- and sadly been a little more acting out and still stuffing a bit, cuz I am not sure how else not to react besides stuffing it ... I feel like a mess some times. I cant talk when I am in rage thoughts, that is why I go quiet cuz I dont want to regret what I would say.

My boyfriend is wonderful cuz I do talk with him a lot, and it always great to talk, It helps me out a lot. *Just the things I try to say to self- "whatever- blow it off"- i really don't "blow it off" in the end... i tell myself what I need to do but I can't seem to do it. I know one big thing is working more on my dbt book will help probably with that.

And when ever we do get into tiffs my boyfriend and i, we also talk after words when things have calmed down and understand each other, which that I can do that... I can understand after i calm down where he may be coming from, but cant when I am not calm..

I am sorry for the long reply back- but I will try "to do life better" I will continue therapy as I was going to (though it is short for me) and continue reading on DBT..... sadly i think if this continues into December I may be trying meds that the Pdoc wants to put me on that I told them no on in mid September... blah- it's all a self thing with meds- I only look down on me for meds and not others- I am happy others find that meds help them to do life better.. with me I see it as a defeat and in some ways a failure, but I need to learn to accept that if this is "chemical" in my brain, that meds could help with living life better. and that it is not a defeat- it is help... I know the Pdoc mentioned not to look at it that way, (i did not like him that well thou so I did ignore him.. I like my therapist better maybe she can talk more on it with me lol)
And I need to remember with that thought above- we all need help some times

thank you all again- I hope you all well....

You friend might well be tired of how what is going on in your life is also affecting his. Sometimes, however, living life for the mentally ill means making what is best for you the top priority.

[madisgram]

I feel like a mess some times. I cant talk when I am in rage thoughts, that is why I go quiet cuz I dont want to regret what I would say.

beauflow, i used to do this very same thing. my T told me anger turned inward=depression. i have depression so i was only making it worse.
another thought i therapy you can talk re how to balance your feelings...meaning knowing to change the behavior and not go to extremes with your emotions. like black and white thinking..i'm guilty of that and working on it.
there are many skills we can acquire to counteract some things you mentioned. one of those is boundary setting with others as well.
i'm glad you have a thoughtful bf. i can see somewhat where he may be coming from. the important thing tho is for you to learn to balance your life to serve you better, just like i try to do. takes practice but it will fulfill your life.

[beauflow]

Thanks TheByzantine and madisgram
So last night i asked what does he mean by "live life". He said he was meaning not all things are bad. I went on to tell him i thought he menu live in moments, he said not quiet exactly but that not all things are bad. He did ask if i was going to see therapist again (she is on vaca so i haven't went in about two weeks) i let him know yes. He and i talked more on that i reminded him about last july and i was bad and he agreed. I also told him i need to work on me cuz i don't see how "taking a break now" will help in the long run that i need to find something stable for me. He told me never mind on break cuz he understands that. I also told him this last week or two with stuff i have been feelin more chaotic in my head and haven't read or done my dbt book which is bad. He told me to continue it and if i needed help to ask and he'd try even said he could get his own copy and try it out along with me (i don't understand things all the time). I think part of what TheByzantine mentioned applies. My boyfriend already know is very affected by me. I have continued to apologize for me and the stress i put on him for almost three years now. He confirmed he doesn't like to see me hurt and angry, i am hoping with therapy some of that will past (the book was askin about child hood when i left it which i did get upset) but i know part of it will help & hope it will help let me settle some demons in the past behind. I did talk about if by end of year i maybe seein another pdoc to ask about meds & why the choice of drugs suggested. My boyfriend said ok. I think he is a bit tired but i also think he loves me enough not to give up on me. i'll try to not focus so much time and live as he mentioned but still work on me i think i can do that cuz doesn't that go hand in hand? thanks all again. I'm sorry i get Confuzzled at times lol

Kudos to you for having the talk, beauflow. I wish you well.

[sewerrats]

life is a system of moods, the younger you are the crazy your mood if mentally ill. Live fast die young is a quote that fit,s the bill. As you get older an your body has taken a pounding, a different mood accends. Some time,s of guilt for what you may or even may not have done. The crazy upper drugs an med,s you pumped in now giveway to AD,S an reflextion. this is the real cross roads, as when young many die an dont give a f*** what they leave behind. But older its a different ball game of loved ones an kids , LIFE,S A *****

[beauflow]

Sewarrats - I can agree that sometimes life is a *****; but there are ups to it as well.

I can relate totally with being young and trying to die young. I guess some would still say I am young- 25 but these days I keep trying to have the hope that maybe things will get better with some help if needed. It is hard- For some reason I thought things would settle down- But I feel like some days that I am doing drugs which I am sober- not even drinking alcohol that much. I dont know why I keep saying "if by the end of the year" cuz I know by the end and past the end of the year my head will be as it has been for years if not my whole life with some things.

Sewerrats- be strong and take care- remember there are good times as well. Life can be hard but usually some how, some way things fall in place- maybe not as we imagine or as quick as we want...or things lose meaning as time go on. I hope that for myself as well. I know I tell some others that in my real life and i get told it is bs- but there has to be some hope some where besides to just give up.. giving up to me is a bad route that I dont want to share on here, So I will will try to be hopeful.

On the subject of Live Life and take a break- for some reason I can't just "forget" that my boyfriend said that- I brought it again Monday night before I went to work- due to I had raging thoughts on it. I told him again- I cant just take a break with my mood swings and thoughts- they were here many years before therapy or him and will continue- I just need to find some peace with it all some how. He said he understood that. It just gets me- "take a break and live life". I told him a tone tonight- I know there is good in life- I now feel a little offended that he said that. :-? sigh... And on top of that I told him Monday night- for me to take a break- is for me to be dead. I started to cry a little when I said that cuz it is the truth for me.
In all- He did remind me and say he'd stick by me, he understands it wont go away like that and that in time maybe I will find peace.... I hope so.

But I will try to brush this off- it is hard though cuz well I am me and stuff like this that I get mad at I have trouble brushing off.

will try to talk to therapist about balancing again... march is the end of therapy with her, I hope that she can direct me some where perhaps that I can afford to go, cuz I dont think 12 sessions will be enough for me to get coping skills that I need, but maybe it is I am not sure.

Be well all
and sewerrats hugs to you. I do get where you are coming from with things.

I may not have kids (i really dont think I could handle them if I may be honest) but I have a dog that is like a child which I get rather annoyed with. I have a kitten now which takes time. And i love my boyfriend but there are times I too am annoyed with him, and I dont think it is always his fault; rather that it is me and my head and problems. I wish you well Sewerrats on the journey with getting better. Oh and I have had the regret stuff already. it does suck but try not to regret. try to make the future as best as you can- due to that is what we can mold now and not the past

[unaluna]

beauflow, I am so proud of you and your bf talking and trying to work together on this, and of how hard you are working on your own.

do you still see or talk to your family? because sometimes that can make it harder to change the old patterns you learned there. about ten years ago, a friend used to tell me that after I visited my mother, it took a couple, three of days before I got back to 'normal'. only in the past year, after not seeing my family for two years, have I stopped thinking so negatively all the time, and begun to just 'live life', as your bf says! I have always felt as if I was living my life as 'not me'. I don't know if that applies to you, but who is that 'crabby' person really? Maybe you can't reason or argue with her. I am on a relatively low dose of older, inexpensive meds (prozac and topamax) and starting to enjoy life in my old age. it kinda gets rid of the crabby. I am just glad I also had FUN when I was in my early twenties! (wink wink wink wink!) oh pardon me I must have something in my eye!

[beauflow]

Hankster you are a pleasure to read from (cuz you make a joke most of the time); and you make a very valid point here-

I will make this short- I wrote a page and 1/4 that I deleted- I will keep it in my journal-

My Parents and 2 brothers - No (My Mother Espcially no- My father I dont think he cares, and my 2 brothers I dont care to know due to what they have done/became)

My 2 sisters and 1 brother- once in a while we do talk- my brother we talk more than my sisters due to I can't drop him cuz I know he needs help, and maybe a little encouragement will help him to get help. My 2 sisters have families and are busy with their lives which is awesome.

And Yes I do get what you are talking about not being you- we each at times feed off of one another's emotions; this sadly due to my 2 sisters and my 1 brother and I are similar in different ways for one another.
With my brother- It can take me a bit to calm down with stuff- I can rant about stuff for a week about what he is doing or what's going on with him cuz it makes me mad. Or him not being honest. I just wish he would be better, and I understand the world is hard right now, but some routes just need to be dropped.
I get extremely paranoid with my brother that I talk with, as well. which is sad, and I either need to squish that or if it is real- I need to be more distant.

But yeah Hankster- My boyfriend told me a while ago- before we were together; some times you have to let go of your family if they are hurting you more than helping you... I have learned that to be true.