I'm sorry. This will be long. I have to give some history to explain why I feel the way I do.

I grew up in an alcoholic, abusive family full of divorce and remarriage. My mother had a total of eight husbands, plus live-in boyfriends sandwiched between. We were in dirt poverty. None of those men could hold a job, and some of the live-ins were just bums sponging off her welfare checks. We moved from place to place. As soon as Mom had a new man, we had a new address in another town, so we could pretend for the neighbors that this was the same Dad we'd had all along. In many ways it was the "same" Dad. He was in a different body and answered to a different name, but he was still the same drunken, abusive, violent monster inside.

As the oldest daughter, I started down the same path my mother traveled. Although I never lived with a man I didn't marry, the man I'm married to now is my fifth husband. My first was the same kind of abusive alcoholic/addict I'd grown up with. Thirty years later, he still isn't clean and sober, and he would still abuse me if I would allow him in my life. (No surprise that my family has more to do with him than I will, and my mother goes so far as to say she "just loves him" because she's known him so long. He treats me the same way they did; why shouldn't they love him?) I began breaking the cycle in my second marriage. For once, here was a man who was not an alcoholic/addict. My second and third husbands were not bad people, but they did have some mental health and trauma issues, plus they were not physically healthy, and both died young. Number two from a brain aneurysm, and number three from causes I don't know, but he did have a severe seizure disorder. In each case, we were divorced before the man died. My fourth husband was also not a drinker/drugger, or abusive, but that poor innocent soul was a lot like Forrest Gump, minus the willingness to take risks, and I was too confused to know he wasn't competent for marriage. I had no idea what constituted a good husband, and I thought simply being a sweetheart qualified him. He left me after a year, under pressure from a sister who was convinced I was only out to take advantage of him. I suppose this was a favor to me, since it opened the door for number five, who from what I can see will be the final one. Even if he dies first, and I've still got some good years left, at this point I don't think I'll have a need to marry again, because I finally got it right, met that need.

Now comes the other side of the coin.

My problem is that I always feel like a phony when I act successful, healthy, or "normal."

Simply living in a middle-class house, married to a stable husband with a steady job, who has no major dysfunctions and manages his finances well, who supports us both without any government subsidy, and even now beginning to work with Vocational Rehabilitation to get back into employment myself, feels wrong. I feel like this lifestyle is NOT me.

It's as if I am living someone else's life.

An inner voice tells me I should be where I was before my husband and I met: In the ghetto, on disability, supported by government assistance programs. THAT, says the voice, is me.

No, this isn't healthy thinking on my part. Can someone help me reconcile "Be yourself," with a conflicting piece of advice I've heard often? It seems I cannot find a way to both "Be yourself," and "Fake it 'til you make it," which to me sounds like, "Don't be yourself; pretend to be someone else, and then eventually you will become that other person, which is better than being yourself."

[Perna]

That was you! Why do you imagine you can radically change your circumstances and your feelings/knowledge/beliefs/thinking will instantly change too? We have to learn everything and think of what you have learned all those years in the ghetto?

I am reminded when I married my husband and would go to the ATM and instead of the $3.46 remaining/available as it had been when I was working and living hand-to-mouth, it would be 1000 times that? I know just what you mean when you say you feel like an impostor.

I don't know how long you have been married; I have been married 22 years now so I'm getting use to having enough and being on vacation for an entire month, not thinking about how much items on a restaurant menu cost, etc. It takes some doing though, trusting one's own judgement (my husband had to remind me I have good judgement and I had to go on his opinion quite awhile before I would wholly rely on mine) and taking the time and effort to realize that "where" we are is where we are and not a personal statement of where we "belong". You are the core, not the lifestyle! Or, as my favorite saying puts it, "I'm the right size, it's the pants that don't fit!" :-)

In April, it will be five years Mike and I have been together. Last November, we celebrated our third wedding anniversary.

I know what you mean about the restaurant thing. You see, in my family, the one whose order came out to the most money--everyone else ordered a $5.00 plate and that person ordered a $5.50 or a $6.00--was looked down on, treated as if they were elbowing everybody else out of the way and grabbing the biggest piece of pie. To keep from being disapproved of and thought selfish, I developed that habit of making sure my order didn't cost more than anyone else's. The first habit Mike had to break me of was always letting him order first, so I could keep my meal less expensive than his. He saw me doing that and then started making me order first, so I'd have to get what I wanted.

The irony has just now hit me, while typing that: The most expensive order was usually my grandfather's. And he was paying for it. So why shouldn't he have ordered what he wanted?

Gee, my family was messed up.

[venusss]

Being "yourself" means following your desires and dreams. Not being a burning mess and letting the bad out, while keeping the good, your skills, abilities and good qualities locked in.

Nobody is meant to be in bad place... and being in bad place, emotionally or for real is not what make you you.

We change, we learn (hopefully). Repeating mistakes does not mean you are yourself, it means you are not learning. Dwelling on bad life means you are afraid to live rather than being true to yourself.

That's just my opinion.

And a fine opinion it is.

It occurs to me now, reading over this thread and its answers so far, that I began the uphill climb way back in October of 1990 when I married my second husband. He was not an alcoholic/drug addict, like most of the men in my life had been until that point. Nor did he ever abuse me. In fact, after my first marriage ended, no man ever committed DV on me again. THAT is when the change began. It has culminated with me sitting in a beautiful house my now-and-forever husband and I both love. One that we *own.*

I don't mean for this to sound too materialistic. We're not greedy. This house is a cottage, not a mansion, but it's a cute cottage, and it's everything we want.

Besides, the journey that started when I first married a man with no chemical dependency, doesn't end here. It will end with me finally recovering my sanity as well. Being "normal" in a way that I never thought I could qualify for. Because the thing that blows my mind the most, about my husband and his family, is that they don't make a big deal about healthy, average behavior. My own family will praise me to the moon and stars for doing things most people my age do without thinking. They make it sound as if it is such a surprise to them that I did it successfully! Whereas, my in-laws don't think it's all that big a deal because everyone else is doing it too. And I'm on their side. Praising a five-year-old for tying his own shoes is one thing. Continuing to praise a forty-year-old for it, well, that's just silly.

[Callmebj]

Welcome to the world of functional people LovebirdsFlying. I'm so glad you got there; and plus...you deserve it!!!
hugs, bj

[gma45]

I agree with bj, You do deserve it! Don't let those old messages into your mind. That was then this is now, live in the moment, enjoy your life! This is something I have been trying to teach myself for a long time, Those thought's all ways come around when I start to get depressed and they will come rushing back......you are no good.....you don't deserve it......who are you tryin to fool. DON'T listen if any one does deserves it--it is you and me! WHY NOT? take care

[sharpe2]

Fake It Until You Make It,

I don't think you are being fake. You have been living from your how to tapes and that wasn't you it was what you were use to seeing. So you didn't know who you were, you just became what you saw in the ghetto. That mentally that can destroy you if you don't make it out with a determination never to return, not to the neighborhood but the mindset of you don't deserve what God has blessed you to finally obtain. Don't listen to people who want you to stay in the same place because if you don't move then won't feel they have an excuse for staying the same. It least you give them hope that if you got awaY, with faith and determination they can too.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

Can someone help me reconcile "Be yourself," with a conflicting piece of advice I've heard often? It seems I cannot find a way to both "Be yourself," and "Fake it 'til you make it," which to me sounds like, "Don't be yourself; pretend to be someone else, and then eventually you will become that other person, which is better than being yourself."

This saying angered me for a long time too: "fake it (forever)" was what I heard. But it can mean just taking a conscious decision to act as normal as you can, experiment with that, see how other people begin to treat you if you do. You might learn that not everyone automatically sees you as defective. But people, in my experience, don't take the time or trouble to explain how to manage that "saying" so that it works out for you. In fact, many of them probably don't understand it any better themselves!

[Open Eyes]

LovebirdsFlying,

I think that most of your issues are simply because you got so many negetive disfuctional messages growing up. But you have to realize that YOU NEVER DESERVED ANY OF THAT. You have finally been able to get what you truely deserve as a human being. No child deserves to grow up under the conditions you grew up.
The next time you begin to doubt yourself, go to a busy playground and sit down and watch children for a while. Ask yourself, does any child deserve to feel they are not worthy because their parent had issues?

You are around the kind of people now that you always deserved to be around. It is not about faking at all, you were never the problem. It is truely time for you to let go of the disfunction you never, ever deserved. I honestly feel that you are finally where you should have been all along. That is exactly how you have to look at where you are now and embrace it, you certainly deserve it.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[snowgoose]

I hear what you are saying and where you are coming from. I took offense with those kinds of off-handed sayings for a long time too. Then I had this thought to see them as affirmations and encouragements.

I interpret "Be Yourself" as saying..... be true to yourself; be your authentic self; be-lieve in yourself;

As for 'Fake it until you make it'. It can be motivational for me. If I determine to act in the way that expresses my true, authentic and affirming 'self' it will cut into the voices that tell me otherwise.

I feel like a do a lot of performing (faking it). I find it very difficult to 'be myself' even with the positive messaging. I hear the messages but still find myself in the trap of being someone else I think will be more welcomed than my true, authentic self might be.

I think.... now that I ramble about it..... I think it is complicated. lol

I also think it is great to ask the question. It prompts further examination. At least it did for me. Thanks

It JUST NOW came into my head that perhaps the healthy behavior is the self that would have come naturally if all the other hadn't interfered.

[snowgoose]

I have thought the same way actually. The crap doesn't nurture healthy behaviours that is for certain.

So I am thinking the way beyond the crap is to keep working hard to catch up on nurturing healthy behaviours in myself. One of the things I have been practicing is to notice more. To acknowledge certain behaviours as unhealthy and then challenge myself to find healthier ways.

One of the best thing I have been doing is paying more notice of my bodies built in warning signals. I never used to listen to my body. I was too busy motoring past any signals.

Now I pay attention. I notice the tightening in my gut telling me I could be heading toward one kind of emotional overload or another. A moment of self care is required to get the balance back. If I can separate myself physically from the trigger I can walk my way through the emotions enough to avoid a meltdown or outburst or some other extreme reaction. To avoid the drain of the potential drama that could unfold if I push past the limits.

I am thinking the more I notice my gut responses the better I will get and the less coddling it will take for me to calm my gut and pull back on the trigger when the warning signals flash. At least that is my hope and expectation. Nip it in the bud as they say.

I am feeling less fragile these days and therefore more natural, more myself, more often. I feel less vulnerable to triggers that entangle me in old and persistence beliefs and habits. At least the smaller triggers.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

It JUST NOW came into my head that perhaps the healthy behavior is the self that would have come naturally if all the other hadn't interfered.

YES!!!!!!!! THAT IS THE REAL ANSWER YOU NEED TO HAVE. THAT IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO ALWAYS REMEMBER ABOUT YOURSELF.

NO, IF YOU HAD NOT BEEN BROUGHT UP IN DISFUNCTION YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO BE THE GOOD PERSON YOU REALLY ARE.

REMEMBER, IF YOU EVER DOUBT THIS, GO TO ANY PLAYGROUND FULL OF CHILDREN AS I MENTIONED. NO CHILD DESERVES TO FEEL THEY ARE UNWORTHY IN ANY WAY.

I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE SEEING THAT REALITY FOR YOURSELF.



Open Eyes

My former therapist used to call it "act as if." He explained that by "acting as if" things would change and it would all just work out. It's baloney. My problems did not go away. Things did not get better. Pretending does not work. If you need counseling, then there is no alternative.

[Open Eyes]

Oh, I don't agree with your therapist either unhappyguy. I simply dont approve of acting at all to be honest. Saying "act as if" is just another way of saying, continue to surpress something you simply never deserved to feel to begin with.

I just read your statement again LovebirdsFlying. I took your statement as saying that your realizing that without the upbringing of disfuncion your good qualities would have been able to shine. I thought you were realizing that you were never responsible for any of the disfunction at all.

I hope that is what you mean.
Open Eyes

[Perna]

Don't get me started on the restaurant thing! My stepmother taught me to choose one of the least expensive items on the menu when I went on a date but to make it look like that is what I genuinely wanted so the date wouldn't "know" and get chivalrous and tell me to order anything I wanted (and have to worry if he had enough money to pay :-) I also had to learn to serve the man in my life (father, brother, husband, etc.) the bigger piece of meat; my husband and I were laughing about that, I deliberately served myself the biggest piece one dinner (I think hamburgers and there was not much difference!) and couldn't do it without telling him and discussing it with him! The old habits are well ingrained!

The opposite was true though, too. My family growing up was middle class and my stepmother enjoyed entertaining and was a great hostess, etc. and when I'd have girlfriends over they knew they could go into our refrigerator, without asking for a drink or snack on cookies and she'd often invite them over right then for dinner that night but it was sad/comical to see how some of them had to be "forced" to allow themselves to open our refrigerator for a drink when urged to, the amazement that such a thing was allowed, and when I'd go to their houses for dinner, I would be invited a week in advance as their mothers would have to make sure there was a piece of meat for me and the exact amount necessary to feed the exact number of people eating (we always had leftovers, the rare occasions when I took my lunch to school it would be hearty left over meatloaf or roast beef sandwiches, never peanut butter and jelly or "simple" lunches) and it was kind of scary eating at a girlfriend's house, not knowing what to say, just instinctively knowing not to ask for or expect "more" of anything, not to feel relaxed and able to take anything for granted.

[Open Eyes]

Very interesting Perna, you know I can totally relate to what your saying. It is a good example to represent how well we are programed in our youth and how long it lasts too. Yes, my husband does get the bigger peice of meat, all men are supposed to get that and the biggest piece goes to the head of the house male. I have a feeling that all families are like that.

Interesting Perna

Open Eyes

As much as I dislike the expression (not because of the concept... the phrase itself is rather unpleasant to hear, what with the hard "k" and long "a" sounds)... it does have some merit. Did you know that, if you force yourself to smile, the muscles in your face will send signals to your brain, and the brain will perceive these signals as happiness... as a result you will actually become happy...

I also heard a story of a professional con-artist who, using his charm, wits, and completely fake credentials, weaselled his way into an upper-managerial position. He "faked it" for so long that he actually learned a lot about the business and was able to do a fairly decent job... That is, he made it...

[Open Eyes]

Well, yes Michael, I can see your point here. I gave it some thought and I have done that myself in my own business. I know that my business is all about presentation and that my clients have nothing to do with my personal struggles. Yes, often that smile and the acting CAN actually bring some relief to the struggle with personal lows. And yes, I agree about the smile, it does have a positive effect on the mind.
I have actually talked to my students about that.

My concern though was to also address the emotional struggle itself and to see why this feeling is coming out. I have been working on this myself because what I struggle with has to stop being surpressed and instead addressed and resolved.
I like how Perna used the family tradition about meals that were so ingrained in her.
It is a good way to look at how well we can be engrained with certain ways of thinking unknowingly.

Open Eyes

[madisgram]

just dropping in for a short reply. i came from a very, very dysfunctional family. i was personally questioning everything i was supposed to think and act. i was ingrained with a lot of false beliefs about life and about me. i was incredibly uncomfortable with all of it. in my case i went into therapy. i had no clue re who and what i'd believed in. i needed help to unsnarl myself to find the solutions.
succinctly put here's part of my solution. to live into today. continue to seek out self. to question with T if i was unsure. to toss out all the whatfores. to avoid what i felt was unhealthy for me.
most importantly to live in the now, the past is the past. if i repeat the same thing over and over i will always get the same results. i need to work on finding me and direct my path to a better life.
sorry i got a little wordy...

I can definitely relate. I come from a very dysfunctional family as well. I always feel like an imposter. Every time I try to accomplish something or try to have relations with "healthy" or "wealthier" people, it feels like I don't have the right.

I always feel like I am from the wrong side of the tracks. This was a big issue for me in therapy, but all my therapist could offer me was that I could cross over the tracks at any time.

Any thing I have accomplished, any talents I have, seem counterfeit, any relationships I have with people (who come from the right side of the tracks) I fear I will be found out as a fraud and thrown back to the other side.

Sorry, getting long. There are a lot of good ideas here. Just wanted to share that I really get it. I hope you can find a way to overcome these thoughts.

Fake it till you make it, I'm not sure, how will I know when I've made it? With this type of thinking one will always feel a faker. So I guess I would think until the distorted thinking is corrected, fake it till you make it might not get you past fake. I dunno if that made sense.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Oh, I don't agree with your therapist either unhappyguy. I simply dont approve of acting at all to be honest. Saying "act as if" is just another way of saying, continue to surpress something you simply never deserved to feel to begin with.

I just read your statement again LovebirdsFlying. I took your statement as saying that your realizing that without the upbringing of disfuncion your good qualities would have been able to shine. I thought you were realizing that you were never responsible for any of the disfunction at all.

I hope that is what you mean.
Open Eyes

Both of those are true. I would have been able to shine SOONER if it hadn't been for the crap I didn't deserve.

[lizardlady]

I typed out a long answer that got lost in cyberspace. I hope I can reproduce what I wrote....
I have a different POV than others. I believe in "fake" it until you "make" it based on personal experience. I grew up with an abusive father. I married an abusive husband. I learned the lesson that I was a worthless piece of poop who deserved what she got.
One day my therapist wanted me to say out loud "I deserve to be treated with love and respect." I literally could not force the words out. He wanted me to repeat the sentence out loud every day. I truly could NOT make myself say the words out loud. They stuck in my throat. BUT I made myself repeat them in my head. When my husband would start his stuff I would repeat the phrase over and over in my head, almost like a mantra. Eventually repeating it must have replaced some of the old message I learned so well. I started to stand up to my husband. And believe me I felt like I was "faking" it when I stood up to him. I had to shove my hands in my pockets so he couldn't see them shake. A large part of me thought I deserved what he was doing/saying. As I stood up to him I would be chanting the phrase in my head. It took time, therapy and lots and lots of practice, but today I really do believe I deserve to be treated with love and respect.
Lovebirdsflying, those old messages are difficult to replace. Under times of stress it's easy to fall back into those old ways of thinking. As much as I belief I deserve to be treated with love and respect today there are times I find the belief slipping. It may feel like you are faking it, but it's a matter of learning a new way of thinking and acting. Would we consider it "faking" if a person who was trying to lose weight began to eat different food and exercise? It's a matter of practicing new beliefs and new behaviors.