[KarlyePerez]

so i have had this account for about a week and when i indroduced myself i didnt really write anything about what im going through but at this point i think i really need to just branch out...... this is going to prolly be a really long post but here it goes...... to start from the beginning i am about to be 21 and im dealing with alot of things so hhere it goes
when i was a kid my mom and my dad had ALOT of problems.... leading up to when i was 11 my mom said my dad didnt want to see my brother anymore..... my mom would feed us lies about my dad so i grew up beliving he was what my mom had said.... up until last thursday i found him and he told me the truth......
well anyways..... when i was 16 i lost my virginity to a guy who broke up with me the next day, i had no one to turn to so i decided to cut myself..... it was really bad....... my friend told my mom about it and she put me in a mental hospital...... she thought i was trying to kill myself and thats not at all what i was trying to do..... i just didnt want to hurt on the inside anymore so i reflected outside.... to something i could control.... bad idea....
to skip a few years.... i still had major problems with my mom..... she got remarried.... im happy for her but she continued to lie and slander my dad.... so i just shut down..... i didnt talk to anyone in my family for years.... basics yes but not anything about me nothing i was going through or anything.... i put up walls with my stepdad, and still have them up with him.... hes not a bad guy idk why i put those walls up but i did and i cant take them down.....
when i was 19 i got pregnant and was really scared to tell my mom and stepdad well they were both super excited and acted like my bestfriends..... i thought it was odd..... well shortly after i had my daughter my mom set me up and made up alot of lies about me and called the cops who forcable put me back in a mental hospital..... they diagonsoed me with ptsd, bipolar type 1, agoriphobia, anxiety, and a few other things i cant remember....
she now has custody of my now 1 year old daughter and refuses to let me see her and i havent seen my daughter since she was 5 months old..... i miss my daughter and i am really depressed about it.... i feel like such a bad mom and i never ever did anything wrong..... i want her back and i dont know how to get her back.......
now i am starting to have other issues.... in july of last year a week before my boyfriend an i got together i was raped by a guy and a girl.... i reported it and 3 weeks ago i went to the preliminary hearing and i just got a letter in the mail from the court saying that the jury found it a no true bill..... meaning both of them walk.... now im trying to fight against it..... it really hurts that thats what the jury said...... its incredibly hard for me to do anything and i try to force myself to be strong.... and 1 not cut, 2 get out of bed, 3 eat, 4 take a shower, 5 get dressed...... there are so many days that i just stay in bed all day and just cry..... my boyfriend doesnt understand and that leads to really bad fights........ i try to tell him and explain to him how i feel and what im going through but somehow he doesnt understand..... i asked him to research some of the things im going through...... i even made the research part easy for him.... he refuses to read the websites i book marked for him.... lately with in the past 2 weeks or so he has been really controlling lately and idk what to do, i cant handle any more stress im seriously considering leaving him and i dont want to cause he is a great guy but something has changed in him..... im trying to go to school soon and i need to fill out more paper work so i can head out to school as soon as i wanted to...... i have so much going on and everything seems to be really negative lately and i feel like im at the end of my rope and im just going to completly break...... but i kno that if i do, i wont be able to get my baby girl back, or go to school or anything, and ill just end up back in the mental hospital..... im trying to find a theripist but i have no ride to get one and i have no insurance please someone help me idk what to do or where to turn and every second is an extremly hard battle to not cut or do something really stupid.... i dont know what to do or where to turn please someone help me and tell me what i should do

[Open Eyes]

(((((KarlyePerez))))),

Oh, I am so sorry that you have been through so much and you definitely deserve to be validated and receive therapy. It is obvious that the people around you have no idea that what your struggling with is a challenge and very real. That happens a lot with people who struggle with PTSD and it does make it hard and even lonely and confusing for the person who is struggling.

Ok, you're going to have to prioritize, I can see that you have a lot of "I want to's" and "I need to's" in your post. So let me see if I can help you a little. First and foremost you need to get treatment and the correct diagnosis. It is not unusual for someone who is struggling with PTSD to get those other diagnoses when really it is all simply a part of the PTSD itself.

Now, you mentioned that your boyfriend is a good guy, but he doesn't understand your PTSD and he wont read about it either even if you do provide him with the information. Well, I encountered that as well and what I found the most helpful is to first find a therapist for myself. Now, if you don't have a means for transportation, via your own car, you will have to work on getting your boyfriend to help you get to a therapist. So, instead of trying to get the boyfriend to read about what you have thinking he has to solve it somehow, take him off the hook and tell him all you really need right now is for him to support you in getting therapy. All you really have to share with him is that , yes, you are struggling and you want to get therapy to help you get a handle on it. If he is a good guy he will help you with that.

So, your first goal has to be to get therapy. As far as your daughter goes, that will have to wait, so right now put that on the back burner. Once you find a therapist who can correctly diagnose you and work with you, you will then learn ways to understand and work on healing. After you do that for a time and find a therapist who DOES work with you, only then will you be able to address finding the right path towards reclaiming your daughter.

Now, as far as your boyfriend is concerned, at first the best way to handle him is to allow him to think that your problems are going to be resolved through therapy. Once you have given time to participating in therapy and a therapist has had time to evaluate you, diagnose you and work with you in therapy, then you can arrange for your boyfriend to meet with the therapist. This way a therapist can talk to your boyfriend and give your boyfriend ways to support you while you are in therapy. This is what I did myself and it was the best way to handle my husband who did not understand how I struggled and how to support me.

Once you get to a point in therapy where you understand yourself what you are struggling with and how to work through it, then you can think about going back to school. Your therapist can help you decide if you are ready to take that process on and how much you can handle.

The most important thing for you right now is to start with getting help for yourself.
Instead of leaving the boyfriend, because he IS a good guy, I think you should first find a therapist and leave that decision for later. A therapist can help you make a decision about that.

You ARE struggling and it is very important to SLOW down and work on one thing at a time. Stop throwing all kinds of "I have to's" in the mix right now, it is simply too much all at once and you will only get overwhelmed.

((((((Hugs)))))))
Open Eyes

[KarlyePerez]

Open Eyes[/quote]

thank you so much for some insite i really do appriciate it that you took the time to read my post and then wrote me back..... the other day i called a crisis hotline when i got the news about court cause i didnt know what to do and they said they would try to help me find a counsler but i think i need help like asap....... i am really considering going back to a mental hospital to get help i think it would help me..... thank you for so much help

[Miss Laura]

Hey there Karlyeperez,

Wow!!! Some things in life are tough huh!! You certainly have a lot to "overcome" You will though in time so please don't be disheartened ok!

A lot of "broken families" are like just that broken. Your Mom should have never said what she said to you about your Dad as its not right full stop. Maybe she is just plain old angry at him. But you are an adult so it's your choice what you believe and who you talk to.

Your diagnosis is a toughie as it is all interlinked. In order to treat your diagnosis you should find yourself a good counsellor/therapist/psychiatrist etc etc.... I am in Scotland so I have no idea what and how you are gonna do this. People on here can help you though.

Do you have any friends who you can turn to?

I would definately sort yourself out first and then get your Daughter back. Can you not get visitation rights? Surely being her Mom you have some rights? Can you not go to The Citizen's Advice Bureau?

If your down then please call the crisis lines that is what they are there for and they do not judge

[KarlyePerez]

[quote=Miss Laura;2273080]Hey there Karlyeperez,
i have no idea if i can get visitation.... my mom refuses to give me her address.... i kno i need to straighten myself out before i try to get her back.... i feel so broken, and lost and confused amoung other things

[Miss Laura]

Do you have someone else other than your BF you can talk to?

I really do think you need to talk to someone who can help you ie mental health or children services etc

[amaviena]

Take every day one day at a time. When I was in a bad place I would make a list so I could cross off things as I did them...however tiny. Like wake up. Don't cut. Get dressed...or put on different jammies. Shower. Eat. Basic things. You will get there.

[KarlyePerez]

i have no one other then my dad that i found last thursday but i dont want to tell him all of whats going on i havent talked to him in like 15 years..... and about the list i have a problem doing that to i have no energy to do anything i stay on this page all day thats all i do.... :/ i refuse to cut..... i really want to see someone to help with my problems, but when i try to talk to my boyfriend about it hes like why dont you talk to me.... why do you wanna talk to a stranger, just talk to me..... i try to explain to him that he is not qualified to help with all that i have going on.... he doesnt understand that i need one who is can help...... idk what to do............. how do i explain to him how do i get him to understand that i need professional help.....

[Open Eyes]

Oh KarleyPerez, I know it is hard to get others to understand, I hear you, oh, I had the hardest time and now the only one that somewhat gets it is my husband, but it took a long time for him to understand he just couldn't fix me. People just don't understand it, and to be honest, I can't blame them. Had I not experienced this for myself, I would have trouble understanding it too. And even though I have it, it is still hard to understand.

You have to go easy on yourself, try to stay calm as much as you can, and I know it isn't easy. But you found us and guess what, we can talk and sympathize because we DO know how difficult it is.

I am really sorry about the court thing, how awful. I know this is hard but right now, the most important thing is to take care of you, even if you are angry and disappointed. amaviena is right, one day at a time, and sometimes, it is one moment at a time, do not pressure yourself and stress. My therapist told me to try to think of everything as the tide at the beach, coming in and out and do my best not to fight it but simply observe it. I do try that and it does help.

Your going to have to be firm with your boyfriend, thank him for wanting to help and that you do appreciate him wanting to listen and you think he is wonderful. Just keep telling him that even though he is so kindly offering, you know that you DO need a therapist that understands how to treat what you have.

If the mental hospital did help you before you can always go there if you really think you need help. Have you called them and asked if they have any referals for outpatient service? In the meantime, we are here for you. I know dear, it can be a struggle, but you not alone, you have us here to support you. There are some wonderful supportive members here at PC. They may not all be on right now so give it time. You can also post in the PTSD forum.

((((Gentle supportive hugs))))
Open Eyes

[Elana05]

Hi Karlye,

I just want to let you know I am sending supportive thoughts your way. Take one day at a time. It is most important to take care of you. I hope you are able to find a therapist.

[KarlyePerez]

thank you every one for all the support and advice.... today is a good day so far..... i feel almost happy? idk why but im gonna hold on to it for as long as i can.... i got out of bed this morning and made my boyfriend breakfast and lunch and cleaned the kitchen, took a shower put on jeans and a tshirt and walked to the store to get some groceries..... this is a major step for me today i feel accomplished :l) i keep trying to talk to bryan(my boyfriend) about therapy and stuff like that and i dont know how to tell him i really do need to talk to someone besides just him...... i try to talk one day at a time and force myself to do little things but somedays its extremly hard to do anything...... im very surprised at all ive done this morning from 6 to 8 i am proud of myself to day....... baby steps i guess..... about the whole hospital things idk what i should do cause he doesnt want me to go to one and i really dont want to go eiither but that is the only way i know of to get a counsler for free....... idk about referals or anything like that my tricare medical insurance is over on the 30th which is my 21st birthday..... and my medicaid didnt transfer when i moved states.... so idk what to do about trying to find a counsler

[KarlyePerez]

thank you every one for the support and the advice i really do appriciate it

[Elana05]

Hi Karlye,

Thanks for checking in. So glad to hear you're feeling a bit better today. Keep taking deep breaths.
Wish I could offer some advice in terms of who to seek out for advice in this area - finding a therapist etc. There are members here who are knowledgeable about this topic; you might try posting some of the questions you are having about where to turn first. I'm not sure exactly what forum that would be... If you think asking some of those questions here might be helpful, pick the one that looks best to you...