[Zen888]

Hi Everyone

Anytime I allow myself to feel happy or things are going fairly well in my life...I start a cycle of forcing myself to remember everything I ever did wrong in life. And I punish myself by negative self-talk and thinking about every single possible negative outcome and multiple it by 1000.

How can I retrain myself to not punish myself?

Dubz

[SeptemberMorn]

Dubz, you have nothing to forgive yourself for! None of us is perfect. We were made that way!

The only thing I can suggest right now is that when you start doing this, instead of going with it, you tell yourself "that's okay! It's not as bad as I make it out to be."

Another thing to do is make a list of the good things you ARE. It's called the "I AMs". Only POSSITIVE things go on that list. "I AM nice... I AM caring... I AM funny..." etc. No "ifs, ands or buts" allowed. Write it down even if you don't fully believe it. The more you say it to yourself, the more you will accept that you are whatever good thing you've written down.

Most of all, talk to your T about it.

You are loved!

[Maven]

I know I'm not one to talk, because I haven't actually done this, but I think one way you can help conquer negative thoughts is to post quotes that make you feel powerful and good about yourself around your home, and force yourself to read them when you come upon them (rather than letting yourself get used to them and ignore them).

Of course, it helps to collect these quotes. I don't mean collect any inspirational quotes or quotes you like, but the ones that speak to you. I have a file of such quotes. Reading them helps me remember that no one is perfect and that there are good things about me.

Some of my favorites are from Nelson Mandela's 1994 Inaugural speech (if you definitely don't believe in God, part of this may not speak to you, but just Google for quotes sites, and you'll find something for you):

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves: Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There's nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Of course, you also have to work internally. It's hard not to give in to that desire to put yourself down. It's comfortable and familiar. It feels uncomfortable to disallow yourself to say negative things to yourself, or to counter it. By the way, it's almost automatic to call yourself stupid or whatever in reaction to some things, and you have to learn not to beat yourself up for making the mistake of letting it happen when you're trying to change the behavior. Instead, counter it: Say, "That was just my negativity. Just because it speaks to me, doesn't mean I can't tell it to 'Shut up!'" Tell yourself, "No, I'm not stupid!" or, "No, I don't always [fill in the blank]!" And sometimes you'll slip and wallow in the misery. That doesn't mean you've failed. It's like changing your eating lifestyle; sometimes you might give in and eat a pint of ice cream, or even go back to your bad habits for a day or two...that doesn't mean you have to throw in the towel. Ok, you made a mistake, or a few. Big deal. People fall off of horses. Get back in the saddle and start riding again!

You have to learn that most mistakes aren't as big as you might make them out to be. You didn't kill your spirit. It's stronger than you think.

[ErinBear]

Hi,

I've done this sometimes too. I've tried to do better in recent years. If I start doing that, I try to tell myself I'm not going to do that and it's not necessary. I try to tell myself I'm just going to enjoy the good thing for now, and let the good feeling be there. If I want to think of negative things some other time, I can, but for now, I'll just think of the good things. This often seems to work for me.

I also have been doing a special time when I go to sleep every night. I go over the day as I'm getting ready for sleep, and remember the best thing about the day, and the hardest thing about the day, and hold them in my heart. It seems like this has helped me over the past few years. It helps to remember both the good things and the bad things each day - some of both - and I think it's helped me remember it's okay to celebrate the good things and acknowledge the hard things, too. It's been a practice which has really helped me a lot.

Take care,
ErinBear

[Sabrina]

Most of us have an in-built negativity, with damning statements going around in our heads, talking us down. Try to talk yourself up. Instead of "I always make mistakes", try "I always learn from my mistakes". Also, think well of yourself. Instead of "I am not as good as others are at this", try "I'm good enough to do this".

I realize this is so much easier said than done - breaking a pattern or cycle of negative thinking is really hard. I fight with myself day after day after day ...

Nevertheless, I agree with everything everyone else has posted above.

Take care!

[DaveyJones]

This is one of the hardest issues to deal with, in my opinion, and they are feelings and behaviors that have plagued me for years. I try to fight them in pretty much the ways the others describe above, but you have to be SO vigilant and self-aware, it can be difficult.

I would also add that, while I have not had the opportunity to try it, this is the sort of thinking that cognitive behavioral therapy is targets, so that would be an option should it be available to you.

DJ

[praxis]

Hi Dubz,

It looks like a lot of us struggle with this.I agree with all the good advice our friends have given you, and I'll add one more.

I am working with my T on this very issue and we are trying something called schema therapy. It's a form of CBT. The mistakes you made aren't really the problem. it's your interpretation of and reaction to the mistakes that has you stuck in a bad place. The coping strategies you learned in childhood are deeply ingrained. They become part of your belief system and affect more than one area of your life. Instead of trying to erase the memories of mistakes that left you feeling bad about yourself, you need to add new experiences in which you react in a more healthy way. Over time you have enough positive experiences in your memory bank to balance the negative ones,and you can resist the automatic disfunctional reaction.

T gave me a homework assignment: write a "cheat sheet" that I can read whenever I make a mistake or feel I'm being criticized. Maybe writing a similar one that is specific to your schema will help you. Here's mine:

When I make a mistake, or think that I’ve said the wrong thing, my initial reaction to think I am incompetent, and I feel like a worthless failure, a loser. I feel ashamed and inferior. I react this way because I was harshly criticized and rejected as a child. My experience was that no matter what I did, it would not be good enough for my parents. No matter what I said, I would not be accepted by my peers. I developed escapist coping strategies, which over time became a schema of thoughts and behaviors and beliefs about myself. I can change that by changing my reaction. I will calm down and look at the situation rationally. Every one makes mistakes now and then I don’t make any more than most people do. I will ask for help when I need it. I will act more like an authority figure than a friend at work. In truth I am a competent, intelligent person. I am worthy of respect.

If you don't have a therapist, get the book:

Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey E Young and Janet S Klosko

edited to add book title

[Zen888]

Thank-you so much for all your valuable comments and words of wisdom!

I will read them in-depth when I am feeling better...I have the flu so its hard to focus!

Thanks again,

Dubz

[Sabrina]

Get better soon!!!

that is lots of something healthy to make you feel better soon!!

[Maven]

Oh, sorry you're sick! Hope yo're better soon!

[Estee1]

How do you forgive yourself for not being perfect?
Let me know when you find out. I'm a shocker for that one.

[(JD)]

Thought blocking is a good method to stop yourself whenever you begin to think negatively.

Your use of "forgive" assumes having done something wrong that you had control over. Being human is not a fault, imo. (Unless you wish to discuss religion.)

Being human means things happen to us, sometimes we do the best we can and sometimes we don't give the effort. Try putting forth good effort, and allow that to be good enough. TC!

[EJ711]

Dubz,

Love your new avatar!!! Really refreshing -- brings back happy memories.

DId your parents have reasonable expectations for you growing up? Did you experience unconditional love?

Your post reminds me of the times right before I lost the two dearest people to me in the world. The first time I was in my 20's, and I had just bough a red coat. Boy, was it a nice coat! I looked and felt like a million dollars in that coat. It wasn't too long after that, that my beloved older brother died suddenly.

Then I had one of the best times of my life with my church family from my church in Orlando, FL. We had gone to Israel on an almost three week journey. When I got off the plane at 11:00 p.m. in Orlando, my husband had the sad job to tell me my Mom had passed away while I was gone. They had been unable to reach us.

Will you PM me about your issue.

Hugs,

EJ

[Maven]

Hey, I just heard a defendant on Judge Mathis say something he learned in prison. It's a religious thing, Christian specifically, but maybe it'll help those who are Xian who beat themselves up for not being perfect (I'm not Xian, so I'm not trying to push any beliefs here):

"There was only one perfect man, and they nailed him to a tree."

[EJ711]

Maven -

What is Xian? I haven't heard of it.

EJ

[Maven]

Xian means Christian. Like Xmas. The X is not literally a letter "X." If you look in the dictionary, it's a Greek (if I'm recalling correctly) letter or term which means "Christ." Some people find Xmas offensive, but if you understand the X isn't an "X" and isn't crossing out "Christ," then you know it's not offensive at all.

[EJ711]

Thanks, Maven, for the clarification.

EJ

[Maven]

I should have mentioned, about looking that up in the dictionary, you'll see this information if you look up the word "Xmas."

[bebop]

but the statement is very true. no one is perfect and for us to believe we can be, well as they say in the south.."it ain't happening"