On privacy and membership here

good for you wi!!! I still say you ROCK!

WI_Fighter... would you be comfortable posting your letter here? If not, how about PMing me with it, I would like to use the basics of it, adapt it for my local area, and also send it to MY Local papers! (One which includes the Miami Herald!) I often have my letters published, for some reason... (thanks candybear for the idea!)

While I'm thinking still on this... it isn't the site that KEEPS us safe, imo, but each other. Some of us are so quick to defend a new found "friend" here, that we fail to see some of the red flags. If others send us a PM asking us to be safe with a certain member...until that member is "proven" so to speak, of if we see another member or two post questions to that new member...and no response, no real response (not necessarily "the" answer to the question) is given, we need to be able to step back a second, also.

IMO those who are mentally unwell are that way because the normal systems of mental health self-care are disordered somehow. (I know with PTSD, the alerts are set TOO HIGH, for others maybe they are set TOO LOW.) If we work to keep each other safe, and accept caution flags as good advice and not derogatory digs, we'll all be safer here. IMO, It's ok to not be able to share, or not want to, but that's far different than not understanding the fragile nature of the minds of some mentally unwell members - or deliberately taking advantage of them.

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wi_fighter said:
I just sent off an email to our local newspaper about this situation. Candybear informed me that May is Mental Health Awareness Month, so this is a very timely story - discrimination due to mental illness. I did not give out the name of the site.

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wi_fighter ((((Huggs))))

Everybody goes through ups and downs. Families, people and yes, even communities. We all have to grapple with people who act in ways we cannot fathom, and try and make sense of senseless actions. I experienced this feeling of trying to make sense of something that can’t be made sense of – my best friend’s suicide 15 years ago. You can try all you want, but you’d be spinning your wheels. An irrational act is, by definition, something that won’t have rationality as a part of it.

We all have to live in a world where we have to find a way to get along with others. We learn from our first day in kindergarten that there will be some people we enjoy spending time with who often become our friends or more. We discover others that we don’t feel strongly about in any particular manner, and another group of people whom, for whatever reasons, we have difficulty getting along with. This is the nature of human social interaction – it is unrealistic to believe otherwise.

We do, however, have many choices available to us on how we respond to people whom we don’t get along with. All of these choices are within the realm of our choosing as mature, responsible adults. If we respond to a flame online, we make that choice. It’s not made for us, nobody makes us do anything we ourselves do not want to do. Reinforcing negative behavior usually escalates an incident – just like pouring gasoline onto a fire. The best thing to usually do in most instances is to simply walk away. That’s why we have the “ignore” functionality in the community, by the way. It’s a tool, available for use at your disposal, to try and help you deal with people whom you’re not getting along with.

When you join a community such as ours, your also take on a certain set of responsibilities. We’ve tried to lay out these responsibilities in our “Community Guidelines,” but we also have some that perhaps need to be clarified due to the recent incident. The most evident is the expectation that no matter what people say here, it stays here (unless it’s some sort of illegal activity, in which case, it’s completely legitimate to contact someone). Members have a responsibility to one another here. Members should always strive, no matter what, to respect one another and one another’s opinions (no matter how much they disagree with them). Members have a responsibility to not take something that’s going online here in our private little community into the real-world. Members have a responsibility to not violate another member’s trust or privacy.

It greatly saddens me to inform you that Sleepswithbutterflies was culpable in the recent wi_fighter incident. While she herself did not relay the information to the agency, one of her friends she confided in did and she was fully aware her friend was taking this action. She is profusely sorry for what she did and takes and accepts full responsibility for her actions in this incident. As previously promised, she has been banned from the community for her extremely poor judgment in this matter.

In the next few weeks, we’ll propose a number of initiatives to help people understand the role of privacy in a community such as this and poll members on different technology options that may help curtail such incidents in the future. As others have pointed out, however, no technological solution can stop someone from doing what has happened here. If one member chooses to violate the community’s trust and expectation of privacy, there’s little that can be to stop them. So one of the things I’ll be talking about in more depth is how to be able to open up online about things that are important to you, without revealing enough personally identifiable information so that someone could use it against you in the future. It can be done, it just takes a little practice and vigilance.

On behalf of the entire administrative team here, I want to apologize for this member’s behavior. We place our faith and trust in a member, and they let us down. That’s no reason to gang up on her, though, nor to suggest that we should never put our faith in other members again in the future. It is human nature to want to trust, to tentatively put our hearts on the line another time, and hope that we can keep our future expectations in check. I sincerely appreciate and enjoy your diversity here, your willingness to open your hearts and give to those in need, and I would never want to lose that aspect of our community. Please don’t let one poor judgment call change your belief in others, and your hope and trust in our community.

Yours most truly,
John

thank you john for being so upfront with the details of this incident.....i know that this information will come as quite a shock to members here for many reasons...one being that many of us put alot of trust in this member but i think that all of us who supported her in her greatest time of need will be most shaken......i think we have all learned a good lesson from this about trust.....we will all feel the need to vent about this and i hope that you will be open to letting members do so.....then hopefully with some new ways to insure our privacy a little better put into action we can all put this behind us and get back to doing what this site is all about.....supporting others and relying on the help of others......thank you once again john....julia

Thank you, John.

I'm sad.

I appreciate all you do and your intent to help us to feel better, safer, and know our needs/wants are cared about within our online home.

KD

I am appalled @ the actions that took place against Wi-Fighter. This site is about support for each other and helping each other in our many facets of mental illness.
Being that it is this type of site, isn't it extreme banning someone who needs help the most??? Don't get me wrong, I am furious about what happened.
But, I also feel like now is the time that we try and help the person who felt so like this was their only way to deal.
Maybe I will get negative feedback, and please, don't percieve me as not being mad.
I am. I blocked Sleeps when I knew it was her the other day, but, now I am rethinking is this the best thing to do?
Help me, will you. Maybe I am too naive???

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DocJohn said:
So one of the things I’ll be talking about in more depth is how to be able to open up online about things that are important to you, without revealing enough personally identifiable information so that someone could use it against you in the future. It can be done, it just takes a little practice and vigilance.

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This much needed info should be a required reading for all members before creating profiles or continuing membership here.

i have to disagree with you....she needs to move on......there are other sites that can be of help to her......from my standpoint she has hurt way too many folks

There's a difference between mental illness and a HUGE character flaw, IMO. What Sleeps did was cruel and vindictive and simply over a disagreement as to whether McDonald's is a good place to eat or not! Sleeps needs more help than any of us can give her. Her actions were that of a PERPETRATOR.

Susan, on one hand I see your point. It's as if the support community is turning their back on someone who obviously needs support.

Honestly, I don't even know exactly why she was here. I read her threads about her interactions with truck drivers and her unhealthy obsession with her therapist, and after that I just avoided those threads.

I did the one thing we're always told to do - ignore someone if you don't like what they have to say.

When the thread was started about fast food being okay or not, I weighed in with my opinion on fast food and was shot down and accused of flaming, as was another member. Some tried getting the thread back on track, but she insisted on turning it into one about being an attack on her personally, and started calling us fat, out of shape, and in wheelchairs and that we are just jealous because she is trim and shapely and has good blood counts. I can assure you, I'm neither fat nor out of shape, and both of my legs serve me just fine, and my last cholesterol result was 127 nonfasting.

Then she decided to take matters into her own hands, off the board. I think this type of knee-jerk reaction is something that she needs help with in real life, not something that can be nipped on a message board.

She tried to take back her actions by emailing the agency, trying to find a phone number for them, and buttering me up with the offer of "getting me" a Golden Retriever ASAP. When none of that worked, THAT'S when she decided to come clean. Had she gotten away with it, who's to say she wouldn't have done it again since she got away with it once? You could also reason that "well, maybe she learned her lesson." Not if she'd gotten a positive result out of it, I don't think so.

Again, I agree her actions were deplorable. I have no rebuttal for that.
My concern is that we as a support community are sending her packing....

I am asking you to please help me understand this as my abandonment issues and thought processes are not comprehending and I fear that I could be left on a doorstep at any moment.
So, I guess it is my own insecurity that I am dealing with and asking someone to guide me.

I support Wi-Fighter and want to help her heal from this and even offered to help her get a dog. So, it was malicious and I understand that.
Help me, would you?

Susan, read my post above yours. They were entered at the same time.

Wi: I pm'd you right after I wrote my post.

I am NOT defending her.
Just scared that my support system is going to crash on me...and the little girl in me is a little frightened and has so many issues that this whole event has caught her in the midst of flashbacks and fear.

wi....i totally agree with your post and hope that i personally can not waste too much more time thinking about sleeps....rather i would like to put my energies into your healing,having you know that i support you all the way and will help you in any way possible

If she had done this to YOU, how would you be feeling right about now?? Would you still want to help her?? I think not!

This time it was the loss of a dog. Next time it could be the loss of somseone's income, Social Security, a loved one!! No! She's dangerous!

By allowing her to stay, it would put the rest of us at risk. She's already violated everyone's trust! In banning her, Doc John isn't only keeping the community safe, he's keeping YOU safe.

Tomi, calm down, breeeeeeeathe.

Please don't go after Susan on this. She's just feeling the hurt a little harder than the rest of us. We might be M&M's - hard candy shell around a sweet inside, but she's more of a Junior Mint - soft dark chocolate around a sweet minty inside.

I have one question. How do we ensure she can't come back and get a new user name and start all over again?

Shirley, I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. It wasn't my intention. Honestly. Maybe it's just my depth of emotion for what happened to you and of course, it touches a trigger in me. Not bad, but still.

My issues are more about me and not SAVING the person behind the attack.
I thank you Wi for understanding.

And, good question Elaine, how would we know?

If she is banned, is she still able to view the forum?

Doc John can ban the IP address, not just her name. (IP being the server she uses, I do believe, but don't quote me.)

I'm just so proud of y'all I could (insert your favorite word).

This is a highly emotional thread and EVERYONE is working on keeping it calm and reassuring while discussing concerns.



KD

Yes, she can... at the moment.

More goes on behind the scenes here at PC than most members see. Problems with a member, or two, have been going on for weeks.

If all you know of is the one big incident, than the system at PC worked. Part of the guidelines is to make all things supportive: posts, PMs, chat. If there is a problem, copy the chat, notify a mod of the post etc... and make your complaints privately to the mods..not out in the open in the forums (as most websites do.) It's done that way to try and work with the troubled members, and to keep the whole site from giant ebbs and flows. (The site will still ebb and flow, but within a more acceptable range )

Please don't feel like if you make a mistake that you'll be banned. We all make mistakes. It's the constant, consistent, and alas also the complete breach of guidelines that have resulted in the measures taken this week, imo.

PC is here for you, just like always. It's a good place to be.