Just wish I would go insane already.

This in between crap isn't working. Its like my body says one thing and mind says another....everytime I get anxious or my ptsd symptoms start getting bothersome I logically know that nothing is happening and everything is fine but then I still freak out anyways...I mean I can't seem to think my way out of the physical symptoms.

But then at other times I can't even think straight or I get all kinds of stupid negative ideas about how everyone must hate me, or so and so is mad at me because they haven't texted me in a while or worse that everyone I know is just being nice because they feel they have to. It does not go over to well when you're hanging out with people and you suddenly go accusing them of only pretending to enjoy your company. But yeah I just keep obsessing over it no matter how much I tell myself I'm just being paranoid.

Nothing makes any sense, but everything makes sense...I just feel like if I just went completely insane then maybe I wouldn't care as much anymore because it would be over with I wouldn't be on a never ending path towards it.

Does this make sense to anyone, or has anyone felt similarly?

Yes I can relate. I have anxiety issues and I usually get in states of overwhelming. During those times, I feel like just being knocked out so I don't have to feel those feelings anymore... But I guess wanting to go insane works too... Hang in there

Oh yes, I've felt like that, and I DID completely fall apart and went into the mental hospital! I was scared to death to go in there, because i'd seen the movie "the Snake Pit" about mental hospitals and I was SURE this place would be just like that. I knew a mental hospital must be the pit of hell -- and I'd be around insane people who would want to kill me -- but I also knew that I shouldn't be on the outside cause I was SICK.

Once I got there I knew I belonged there.

Our minds can tell us some pretty bizzare things, believe me. Mine kept telling me that people were talking about me, and it was all very negative. It kept saying that people thought I was a "bad woman" if you get my drift. And I was NOT of course. But I didn't know how to comvince anyone that I wasn't. Of course in real life nothing like this was going on, but I didn't know this. LOL My mind was just going ape.

The best thing I ever did was go into the mental hospital. I'd needed care for a long time, and I finally got it.

I'm not telling you to go into the hospital, but IGNORE what your mind is telling you IF YOU CAN. Try to replace those thoughts with positive things. Think of blue skies & flowers, etc. Try anything you can to keep from thinking the negative thoughts. I know it's hard. But don't let those thoughts overtake you like I did. Make them go away! I wish you the very best. God bless you sweetie and take care. Hugs, Lee

I've tried...I try doing things I enjoy and try to think about less negative things. But if anything that has only become less and less effective than it was in the first place. I cannot seem to select which thoughts my mind analyzes and which ones it doesn't it wants to analize and obsess over them all which then distracts me from distracting myself from it.....I mean I end up analyzing even the most ridiculous thoughts I have and it takes a lot of time and energy its like it just wont stop ever.......unless I get drunk or high, but I cannot very well do that 24/7.

That's just the thing the thoughts well and just general symptoms(its not just thoughts) I get physical symptoms are overtaking me and it seems there is not much I can do about it. Also my life situation in general is not helping, only contributing to stress which= worse symptoms and its not likely to improve any time soon so I am not sure how long I'll be able to keep it together mentally. I already can hardly focus or concentrate on anything not to mention I lost weight I didn't have to lose due to not being able to eat much or properly digest food due to constant anxiety and stress and the exhaustion it causes. Not to mention I have been consistently miserable for about 3 weeks straight as opposed to just most of the time like was normal for me...and I have to wait till the end of the month before I can even talk to anyone about it, I have an appointment then but that's a long ways away.

\
YES!!!!

i get there, with no sleep.
like,
right now

but:

"INSANE" has company, and it's called MISERY

I don't get enough sleep, and there are times I get no sleep...and yes Insanity and Misery seem to go together. But sometimes I wonder what the cause of the misery is.....is it the insanity itself or societies inability to deal with the 'insane' that leads to the misery insanity can cause? Or is it both? It seems I either think too much or its difficult to think at all.

the following is more of a rant than anything so I do not expect anyone to know what to say to it:
And as I child I thought adulthood would be an opportunity to escape from the misery...and put it behind me but so far it's only gotten worse. People say to learn from your experiences....then they say 'it gets better' as if it always does well if my experiences reflect the contrary how am I supposed to rationalize that it gets better. Every time I think its getting better or at least that I myself am doing better dealing with it all....something comes along to send me into complete mental instability. But then I realize I wasn't actually coping better just suppressing it all again until I can't take it anymore and something even minor can set it all off.

okay look:

this happens to me so, like,
i learned something that went, like, "trying to change negative things into positive ones withou the true faith that they actually ARE or CAN BE positive actually makes you more depressed"

so, yea
we all think weird, negative, intrusive, sometimes
LOUD
thoughts. it's not in our control...

but,
just observe them. forget judgements and expectations...they are just like the breeze passing thru two open windows

they can go IN and OUT if you choose to let them

Yes that is true.....maybe there is a way to learn to let them out, that I just haven't learned yet. But thus far it seems not matter how much I try to just forget it, or let it go I just end up suppressing and internalizing it rather than letting it go and tricking myself into thinking I have gotten over it or whatever. Maybe I can figure out how to let it out before it drives me to complete insanity...not sure though.

our society is a lie and a drug

I relate to your dispair totally Take care sweety

yes!

an accurate description of what I call but 'don't like to call' ....my ultimate personal and intellectual betrayal.

I just would prefer to be stupid.

To have no 'mental reflexes'....

...that race to question everything that I struggle with and the answers I find fail to remove the struggle and yet I go right on and answer them anyway.

due to this I have been virtually untreatable. it's a unique and cryptic kind of suffering...or 'experience'....you are not alone with this one

Damn right it is...I mean what kind of a healthy society would consider things like generally looking out for each other rather than being in a constant battle to the top a 'bad' thing? 'Adapt or get left behind' was the way someone on some other site said it....and that's a pretty good description of this society.

How about adapt society to fit the needs of its people...you know a society that is also a community. If I had a dollar for every time someone tells me I am being stupid, naive, weak, lazy ect. for feeling that way I'd be well off. Or I've ran into this 'you only want that because you would benefit.' I mean its like some people cannot even rationalize that someone would want what is best for all, not just them self.

Survival for the fittest is for in the wild, not for a society....this pseudo survival of the fittest system is bound to collapse eventually. If society is unhealthy how can the people in it or influenced by it be healthy mentally or otherwise?

I kinda want to try to get help dealing with all the mental crap ...and thus at least improve my state of being to some extent. But the trouble is most 'help' it seems comes from the very society that contributed to this mess in the first place. I will never be ok with the society we have as it currently is.....no amount of psychiatric drugs or therapy can 'fix' that. So I might very well be 'untreatable' as well.

So I suppose I fear that instead of finding help that is helpful to me. I'll only get bombarded with attempts to make me see things more 'normally' and want to become a contributing member of a very sick society while somehow being 'happy' in it. But I suppose I have to start somewhere and be prepared for that sort of thing.

they sell health
internationally..
Broadcasting into your mind.
Thru monopolized coporations

its all money. Its all power.

I'm 65 now, and IMHO it's worse than it's been for a while, so maybe it's about time for the pendulum to swing again? But we found in the 1960's that idealism has its problems, too, and sexual and drug excesses aren't keys to a better world, either.

There are a FEW people in the mental health field who mean well AND can occasionally help. I've paid (at least in part) for my trial and error experiences but I have a friend who found help through disability and Medicare providers.

Community, yeah. Seems to me that eventually lots of people will come to crave that. Its absence is so painful, despite the material and status benefits of "adapting".

Wishing you the best. . .

Nothing is healthy in excess.

being prepared and agreeing are opposites...

I am unwell...battered and beaten by the bombardment of 'apparent' logic around me.

my mind has been everywhere I have taken it and everywhere else I don't imagine things are much different....it's hard with personality disorder and insecurities to have any confidence....

but if I am not the lit match in the inferno of my certainty then how can I keep warm?

I don't mind it hot.....I'm cool with that....the world around us wants to be warm and thats ok

The key to insanity is not to expect it; but to let it reap over you when time passes by and you're doing the same ****, over, and over, and over, again.

i like u

Yep, very similarly... I often wish that I would just make that last little jump into full-blown raving lunatic, because maybe then I would no longer realize what is happening to me and I hear that ignorance is bliss.
But maybe not.

Dang, I feel the exact same way. They always want you to be nothing more than another average joe who contibutes to some grand ****ing thing called our society. I can never be happy in our society and I don't see how others can be happy with it. It is mostly society's fault that I am the way I am. No medication can cure what has taken hold, no therapy... I don't want to contribute to society, I don't even want society how it is. It needs to be changed, but I don't see that ever happening because 95% of those who cry for change don't have the spine to do more than complain... I hate society for what it did to me... blah... society makes me feel so hopeless...

Yeah I feel this horrid society has already taken enough from me, and I am supposed to want to contribute to it when it contributed to this whole mess of my mind in the first place...I guess I am going to try and 'get help' with my mental issues mostly because I would like my family to stop asking me what I'm doing with my life and then trying to tell me I am dwelling on things or not trying hard enough when I try to explain to them what I'm dealing with.

But I don't really think any mental health professionals are going to get it, I feel its more likely I'll just get pissed off with them telling me how 'it get's better, if only you change your thinking.' NO! that does not fix the larger problem that is an unhealthy society causes unhealthy minds, I've always been to intelligent and the type who has to analize every little thing so I cannot just live in a blissful bubble of ignorance, I've already seen too much of the truth to fall for that kind of thing.