Support supportive?

When I first joined PC you didn't reply to an OP unless you were being supportive ie acknowledging the OP, agreeing with the OP, giving the OP a hug etc. Back then, your post was deleted if your reply was unsupportive of the OP and you'd get a nice message from a moderator telling you not to reply to threads that you didn't agree with. In fact I remember being told off for saying that I was 'playing devils advocate' in giving a different point of view.

It seems to me that the rules have changed somewhere along the line. I now feel apprehension before posting a thread for fear that I will not get 'support.' That's a shame, I liked what 'support' used to mean here at PC.

No doubt I'll get some unsupportive replies to this thread, yes I feel very fearful of that.

5 years ago is a long time. I've been around PC for a while (not quite as long as you) and have seen that for myself. While this site is primarily focused on "support," I don't think that varying ideas are necessarily negative. Besides, with PC growing as much as it has, it's bound to go through some changes.

If you were so fearful of getting "unsupportive" replies, why did you make another thread about something that's almost the same as not enough mods around?

Do we really need another support-or die thread?

we been over this before. Sometimes a perspective helps more then shmoozy "i care" and "awww, hugs". In fact, I sometimes find it "unsupportive" when I pour my soul out and get generic reply and feel like "did you even read what I just said?".

I stirred some controversy here when I came by sticking out of the mainstream thinking. But guess what? It probably got some people thinking and that is good? I prefer to read a well formed opinion to emoticon and sparkly images laden posts. Because that is not what would keep me going.

I feel as though a lot of the posts here are uncharacteristically supportive. And by 'uncharacteristically' I mean entirely unexpected based on the nature of the internet. Of course, I also joined a few months ago, so 'back then' psych central was never something I experienced.

It seems to me that aggression towards the OP only develops after the OP has been too obstinate and doesn't take advice or is advocating a selfish position. There are some actions and mentalities that just can't be supported. In this case, I think of a "critique sandwich" (like you would make in art class) -- give compliments/support, point out the failings and how they can be changed, finish with encouragement and support.

Unfortunately, I think animosity towards the OP can also result from triggers. It might not be appropriate to respond to a post that has triggered a lot of negative emotions about the OP.

Or perhaps we lived in such a forced be happy don't worry awwww supportive hugs world (online and off) now days that what used to be a variety of ideas and intellectual difference has become viewed as "unsupportive" and even spiteful.

I remember a day and age where people could have different opinions....

Maybe this is an issue I really struggle with and I'm looking for support??

Maybe this is an issue I really struggle with and I'm looking for support?? Is that so wrong?

As aforementioned, people are different. One man's support is another man's reason to jump out the window. Maybe people are being supportive, even if it's just taking the time to respond, and you're taking it the wrong way?

When you start a thread, you start a discussion. Perhaps the kind of support you're looking for is best received from friends you can message rather than the general public? I know that I find those I'm close with to provide the best support.

I have no friends, that's why I come here.

and especially since "support" motto is used to shoot down helpful and enriching discussions.

See, that is what I like about bipolar forum here lately, that it's real... lively. Not "awwww, huggggsss" and nothing more (maybe we became too cynical and have to much brain for that). Interesting discussions do happen there and it's cool.

So i am not for turning the forum into glitter rainbow unicorn mush.

Good job I'm not a unicorn otherwise I might be offended by that.

that's a good point. are we becoming more traditionally "male", trying to provide a solution to the problem as we see it, instead of support? is it because more women are in the workforce and so are used to brainstorming solutions?

How can we support you Pegs? What sort of "support" are you looking for?

Did you read my original post? I'm confused what support now is and I'd like to not feel scared to post.

Pegs, I am bothered by "support" meaning you have to agree with the poster. I believe I can support someone by offering a different perspective. That doesn't mean I have to be confrontational or combative toward the person. Case in point, a few minutes ago I posted a reply to someone saying I wasn't trying to minimize what they were feeling but offered a different perspective. The OP PM'd me to say thank you, my post helped them.

Personally I'm bothered by threads where all the replies are in effect pats on the back and encouragement to continue making choices that are harmful to the poster or someone else.

You said you are struggling right now. What kind of help or support do you need from us?

Pegs, yes I read your original post. I asked because I was not sure what kind of help you are looking for. Now I know.

I believe your confusion about what "support" means stems from the many different definitions members have for the word. It seems each of us has our own definition. They replies in this thread point that out. That kind of ambiguity can be frightening, especially if a person is feeling uncertain to begin with.

I don't know what to say to help you feel more secure about posting. Would it help to limit yourself to only posting to a few specific forums? There is a forum that you and I post in that feels a bit more secure than the general forums. Maybe you would feel better only posting there for awhile?

I'm sorry if my previous reply did not feel supportive. I was trying to figure out the best way to offer that to you, so I came right out and asked. I tend to be a very direct person. I'm sorry if I offended you. I was actually trying to help.

I feel that you don't need to hug or agree to be supportive. As long as you produce something of some value. It can be a simple "That blows, but I don't know what to do about it"... because sometimes it just IS like that. OR you can reply by comparing to a situation you been in. If the OP feels it is really similar, they might feel helped, if they feel not, they can choose to just let it pass. We cannot decide in what way the person replying want to help or see us or maybe think they have The Answer. Even if we have to cherrypick what we feel are good responses, the MAIN thing is that the replies are not abusive or insulting.

Sadly I've seen some of the latter lately, I feel THAT is the real issue here.

People here have such different needs. Some need a hug, some need a joke, some need to go through things step by step. I doubt treating a person with ASPD the same as someone with PTSD will actually work. Some of us do our BEST... but we're just what we are, we can't know someone's real needs unless we know them well. We can just try.

Support also includes being honest. If we keep condoning behaviors such as self destruction how are we helping? Being direct and honest can be done in a sensitive way, without the use of insult. Feelings can even be validated.

I believe this gets people thinking about their problematic thinking and behaviors that cause them and others stress. It is an opportunity to learn and grow, and even strengthen relationships.

These are not empty words. I have been through it.

I have read some posts here that are personal attacks. Sometimes, frustration can cause us to vent indirectly, but we should try to be more respectful of others. Posting content such as "You are a selfish idiot" is out of line.

Support is different for everyone. Since this is a public forum, I tend to believe that users will post whatever they feel is "supportive". And sometimes while that may not be what the poster was wanting, they can have their eyes opened to an unbiased piece of advice, a 2nd or 3rd party, if u will. So much can be misinterpreted through Internet. It would best if the poster asked directly. If u want "hugs", say that. If you don't want objections, say that. Otherwise, people are entitled to, and will, support in the way they feel is correct.

I agree with you. Although I got some not so nice messages.

Hmmm... same thing happened to me
I find some posts very hard to be supportive of and I usually don't respond. Other posts seem to be conversational and you respond with a conversational reply and the poster misinterprets conversation as antagonistic. I guess it's the nature of the beast... it is a site for people who have issues and some of those issues prevent those people from seeing a post for what it is.

Thank you everyone for the replies, I am trying to learn from each and every response. I think I will stick to some of my beliefs about support. I'm a firm believer that there are ways of saying things without being antagonistic. And yes I think a hug or a comforting word can do much for someone if they are distressed. We are all individuals and post our words in different ways and that's ok too. Maybe in time my 'fears' will subside. I don't learn well through confrontation.

Thanks again all.

Let me leave you with this thought - You can't control what others do or say. You can only take control of your own thoughts, beliefs emotions, and ultimately your response to what life throws at you.

sorry you feel this way pegs.

i don't think that any of us mean to be un supportive- just sometimes, either we don't know what to say, or we don't have any insight- so their for don't reply.

i think we do what we can- and we've ever caused you to think we don't care, sorry for that.

(((((Pegs)))) ... when i first joined pc i was into giving support ... i soon got led astray n became toxic, as u must know, but i hope i never made you feel like this, u r nothing but special