Getting Old And Still/Again Depressed

I have a couple of hours before work. Life has not been easy, and yet I can name my joys, two grown children, healthy and still expanding, a grandson, physical health, a job. I am sixty years old and my dream, not new but re-chosen from many, is to get my house ready to sell, buy a small conversion van and take temp jobs, live very simply, go camping, rent an apt. now and again for periods of time, walk, take photos, travel, read, write, knit for real.

But here I am again, on the couch where I have spent most of my time when not working for several months now, maybe longer, and all those things seem out of my reach, a dullness surrounds me, my house is a mess, I am alone (which has not always bothered me) and lonely, and not feeling sure at work (there are good reasons for that but not good enough for me and I know I am just letting myself go down for the count). Getting to work is so difficult, I force myself and, unlike the past, I am not fine once I get there, I am there, I do what I have to---this job is not active enough to rouse my energy I have lost my ability to go beyond, to be creative.
Christmas with my son, daughterinlaw and grandson was lovely but the undercurrent was painful (the one in me, not there or them)
I feel a need to escape, to run away, to toss this house, let it go...given the actual situation this is not ok.
I want to sleep forever but am disturbed by unpleasant dreams, I want to walk and run but feel unable to put one foot in front of the other.
Yet, when I visited my daughter on my days off (I work 4 ten hour days) I flew down to her, and had a wonderful three days-----
Even during the active, good, healthy time, I could feel the undercurrent of great sadness trying to pull my feet out from under me, and my emotions were silent but internally raw.
I cannot seem to get out of my own way, or off the couch , things that once worked work no longer---and damn it, I just don't have an expanse of time ahead------I need to begin yesterday if I am not going to end up an old woman staring out the window of some subsidized apartment or ...
I need to cry but cannot, to mourn losses but cannot, to dance, to get out and walk but cannot---and the clock keeps ticking, relentless.
Who cares if an aging woman has no energy to make a meal, I will get to the corner store today only for food for the cats, ...who cares if the dishes pile up, I am ashamed at what my son sees when he stays overnight during his league basketball season, I only let one other person into the house lately, and the snow is still not shoveled. I just can't, even though lying here brings anxiety, tension, and more dark thoughts.

Winter4me, are you in therapy? If not, have you considered it? Might be helpful.

It sounds like you are lonely. Has your husband passed or are you divorced? Do you have friends? You sound happier when you are in the company of others but deep down you know it's only temporary and you will be going home again where you'll be alone.

My suggestion is to get out of the house as much as possible in order to build a life and to meet others at your own pace. Are you a member of any senior centers or a church? How are your time management skills with house chores? (I know mine are pretty bad and I am a few years younger than you!)

I am finding out that getting older means a decrease in energy. I can't do all of the things that I used to or want to. If I pay the bills and do the laundry then there will be no energy for house cleaning. If I do the ironing and grocery shopping and make dinner then I will have to settle for that because there is nothing left! Socializing and taking walks for health tire me out too. Your dreams seem to be to get out of your house and instead you seem trapped in it. You want to live your dreams. A helper or friend may be needed to help you achieve them, especially when it comes to the house work. Think about it. I wish you all the best.

Thank you all. Yes, I know getting out helps, it is that moment between not doing and doing that traps---Had therapy long term, cannot afford right now; my vehicle died so I walk to work (months now) and am glad for that walk---tomorrow I will take the late bus north to give the "kids" a date night, spend time with the grandson and be there for the (great)grandmother..."Date Night" is a gift I gave for the holiday & it is to go all year--it is good for everyone. So, one small good thing. New Year, I walked downtown after work (I get out at 11pm) and had a tequila sunrise sitting alone in the dark corner of a familiar bar/restaurant, gazing out the window, watching the ball drop on tv, and then walked to a friend, we sat a while, I walked home. Stayed up most of the night...
Been on the couch pretty much since. I should go hike the nearby trails tonight and wait for the meteor shower...I don't feel as lonely in the woods.
There is still the transition from here to the door. This bout of depression is more painful sadness, pushed deeper by dreams and thoughts of past regrets---i was married 20yr, divorced as long, my ex drove us to see our son at christmas----we don't have an active friendship but have done okay.
I have a decent job, but got myself into a hole trying to help someone else---and still can't figure out how i let it get so bad, and why it was so hard to let go, I don't usually get myself in so deep for someone who is unable to give and take....that relationship is probably what has tossed me into this place.
To the store for cat food! Thank goodness for my old cats, they, at least, Must be fed! Thank you all and hugs all around. The advice is good, and a good reminder.
I joined this site because I cannot afford therapy right now---and therapy has mixed results---

I know what you mean about choosing to pay bills or do laundry etc.---as if the energy is limited------------but, in reality, when I get out of my everyday, I find (with joy and some sadness) the energy is still there---very much so, that is frustrating---but, due to depression/anxiety, that I had always had (till recently) been able to cut off from work time, I have always had to parse life tasks (& let some things go, lose some money or whatever) in order to get the basics done. (laundry piling up right now---and the laundry mat within sight of my upstairs window) ---that always was an emotional/mental energy thing---cutting things down to size. I do better when someone else is living in the house (usually), as I seem to "catch" energy from the presence of others; but do not want a "relationship" except of (maybe) friendship and shared tasks---a combining of resources that would result in gain for each. Yet, it is still all stuff that I am capable of doing.... I think this America is a hard place to be "marginalized" these days---I hate to admit it, even to myself, but I do better when something is solidly going wrong or clearly is tragic (forgive me, but when my brother killed himself, when my father died, my mother became demented and I cared for her, and worked, for 6+yrs, when someone just needed me to be stronger....I knew what I had to do, and I look back and wonder how I did it-----some of the tasks (buying a house with the money my mother had left when she was ripped off in selling...helping the kids with getting cars, education, travel expenses, ---are all things that usually seem beyond me. Right now, my son's car (he loaned it to my after getting another) is downtown with the keys locked inside-----------two days, I finally called him because I just don't feel up to dealing with it-----------oddly, this is usually the kind of problem I can relish---a do-it-myself challenge---I was going to the ATM, answering calls from work (I was/am on call) and not hearing the ding dinging telling me not to let the door shut---and it was late...after a nice dinner out with a friend even--------so it goes. Good day for photos, the cold light, and the camera is locked in the car too. Yikes. And, I realize I do better in jobs that are a bit overwhelming workload-wise; I become more organized, more focused----but these kinds of places have become much uglier to work in over the past decade or so, with our system of care coming undone and stressed out management (of which I have at times been part of) flailing about for individuals to blame instead of working off a problem-solving approach...sorry, i ramble, will post tho i feel i should delete

Thanks for posting. I read your post and it sounds like what go's on inside my own head. Thinking of things I want to do just not getting them done is a cause for my depression to just get worse. I am not getting any younger either. I wish I had the answers. I wish I was there and we could pull each other out of the rut! Please understand that you are not alone in your thinking as I have had those same thoughts of down sizing and just hitting the road! There has to be a way although it seems something stops me every time. Fear of the unknown? Fear of failure? I just don't know. Something to think about for sure!

Cats are good!

Hello,

Welcome to PC. I'm sorry you're feeling so depressed, and the weather doesn't help. I also can not afford therapy but have found help on this site. Have you tried reading positive affirmations? I read one every morning from an app on my iphone and it helps. Also, if you could get out and volunteer even if it's just once a month. It helped me get out of my head.

Peace & Hugs,

TnT