[marmaduke]

Sitting behind a woman and her young son of about 5 years old, hearing snippets of conversation.
The mother to son;
Its all your fault YOUR FAULT that daddies left, he left because of YOU.
Poor kid. Got the world on his shoulders and hes 5. He is being filled with shame. Like he asked to be born.

In the Park, a girl about 11 falls over, hurts her knee and drops her icecream. Mother; "You Stupid Girl, you are such a stupid girl!" The girl starts to cry now while being dragged along by her hand. What is wrong with people?
No comfort. No concern. Poor kid.

Its possible these mothers were just having a bad day, but its that type of emotional abuse (if its frequent/daily) that causes toxic shame, self hatred, lack of self esteem (I'm useless) and depression.
Its also the type of abuse, and it is abuse to belittle,shame and blame a child who is helpless against the adults around it, that goes unnoticed. Its the same type of secret subtle ridicule I suffered all my life from both parents.

I remember getting upset over something while I was on a day out with my parents. I was about 8/9, I started to cry, I remember my father saying "Everyone is looking at you thinking what a silly fuss, look, everyone is LAUGHING at you!"

I remember suddenly feeling very self-conscience, wishing I could just disappear, the shame, oh how I cringed inside.

To be shamed like that was not unusual.

I wonder, is it that treatment that caused my social phobia, anxiety, low self esteem depression and self hatred.

I think it was.

Some people have no idea of how to be parents.
I do now however after doing an online quiz (they ticked the boxes) believe my parents were both narcissists, both self absorbed without empathy.

Do you feel your parents attitudes caused your low self esteem/self hatred. Do you hate them for it?

[hannabee]

Yes and YES!!! Those mothers comments are horrid! I once intervened when a mother was really mistreating one of her THREE children....I thought she was going to hit me! Maybe what I said made a difference, I certainly hope so and I'm glad I didn't back down. Both my parents were narcissists, which I just recently determined. Now I just accept it and realize it had nothing to do with me!!

[Webgoji]

Not in my case, but those parents you talked about need slapped silly.

Edit: My self-esteem issues started when I realized I couldn't ever actually achieve my dreams, that no matter how hard I struggled and tried and I would always be mediocre and not succeed at anything. It's only gotten worse from there.

[spydermonkey]

thats awful...i'm sure that your parents treatment of you had a long lasting effect. our families are all we know of "normalcy" as we grow up, no matter how "normal" or dysfunctional they actually are. it's as we grow and start figuring out the world for ourselves and making our own decisions and finding meaning that we see how that affected us and have to make changes or stay the same in how we look at our parents and ourselves.

i know that the older i get, the more objectively i can see my parents' behavior toward me. i mean looking at it in a new, hopefully healthier light. therapy has helped though sometimes i wonder if its just focusing too much on the past? i for sure have issues with the way i was treated by my father that have just become clear to me recently, my mother was better to me all around. she tried and only had my best interests in mind. i dont hate my dad for what he did...i hate what he did, and i no longer choose to have contact with him.

[healingme4me]

My parents, no, didn't belittle, aside from one comment from stepdad, about make up, neither did he. Stepmom, is a whole other story. Her son, as well. Her treatment of me, i was 13/14, Brought about such self conscience about my personality, words such as conniving and manipulative. Stepbrother, i never had body image issues until he called me fat. He's one year older. Doesn't help, dads passive. Which is confusing to a kid. If he's not sticking up for me, does he feel the same, type of thinking, knowing my mom, would say one thing to me, and then in her resentment for doing what she didn't want would vent to her husband, who'd then talk to me.

Sorry you were shamed, for making child mistakes. And those examples are awful.

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

My parents did the same things, shame, blame, abuse each other, and me, emotionally, physically.
Do I hate them for it? Sometimes the anger about who I became, because of how they were, makes me want to turn away, and then I've hurt myself over and over through the years, because I felt no good, worthless, tears over and over, I tried so hard to be what they wanted me to be....the shame they gave me...
No, some people shouldn't be parents.
I've got to turn it into a learning experience. I don't ignore my sons feelings, I don't shame them, I don't hurt them physically or with words. Thank god I got out and away from the abuse of my sons father. Now I need to get myself back to the moment, go be there for him, and be a good mother myself.
I believe we all have to forgive and forget, or we'll drive ourselves crazy.

[Dance-always]

My whole life was and can still be an opology. Being told by a malicious Mother that I was a product of rape.....wow.....how can I make THAT one up to you? First born? My life?
However. Now, I am glad I was born. Now what?

[marmaduke]

needarealitycheck
I've got to turn it into a learning experience. I don't ignore my sons feelings, I don't shame them, I don't hurt them physically or with words. Thank god I got out and away from the abuse of my sons father. Now I need to get myself back to the moment, go be there for him, and be a good mother myself.

I married an abuser too, glad you've got away. You sound like a fighter, your sons are lucky.
lotsa hugs

[Teacake]

Trigger warning.

In a domestic violence shelter I heard a mother tell others in front of her four year old that the child KNEW she wasn't supposed to perform oral sex on daddy, but the mama came home and sure enough there was evidence the child had been bad. Now daddy was in prison and they were homeless, all because of what the child did.

I dont even like guilty dog vídeos on youtube. Guilty dogs are awfully cute. but owners can cross the line into emotional abuse of the animal. It is sickening. No one wants to see that. Its peculiar how abisive patente and dog ownees and abusive people in general are so proud of themselves. Abuse must make them feel big and powerful.

[marmaduke]

Originally Posted by hannabee

Yes and YES!!! Those mothers comments are horrid! I once intervened when a mother was really mistreating one of her THREE children....I thought she was going to hit me! Maybe what I said made a difference, I certainly hope so and I'm glad I didn't back down. Both my parents were narcissists, which I just recently determined. Now I just accept it and realize it had nothing to do with me!!

Well done for intervening! When I hear a child being shamed I feel physically sick for the child, I feel for it so much, I've been there got the T shirt.

[marmaduke]

Teacake
she wasn't supposed to perform oral sex on daddy, but the mama came home and sure enough there was evidence the child had been bad.

Wow. That is terrible. poor kid.
Some people disgust me.

[marmaduke]

healingme4me
Doesn't help, dads passive. Which is confusing to a kid. If he's not sticking up for me, does he feel the same,
Um, I do find dads can do that take the lazy way out, anything for a bit of peace. Disappointing though, to put it mildly. My weak father did the same, let mother (a micro control freak) rule the roost.

[marmaduke]

spydermonkey
our families are all we know of "normalcy" as we grow up, no matter how "normal" or dysfunctional they actually are. it's as we grow and start figuring out the world for ourselves and making our own decisions and finding meaning that we see how that affected us and have to make changes or stay the same in how we look at our parents and ourselves.

For me this was a big problem, all I knew was the goldfish bowl of my family & their 'normalcy' A silent, cold, controlling & critical dynamic, a life lived treading on egg shells.

It wasn't till I was a teen and had dinner at a friend's house that I realized how different my family was. Her house was a warm place, lots of banter, joking and conversation everyone seemed to like each other and enjoy the company. Wow what was that all about! All new to me. Was this normal?
I was very nervous, I didn't know how to 'be'. I think they thought I was odd.

[orchidlotus]

Absolutely. The way we were raised has a direct impact on our mental health as adults. As a kid you register everything. As a kid you also think your parents are the best people in the world. So being belittled by them means a lot...and that damage may take a lot of effort to repair.

I find the word 'hate' particularly harsh. I do not hate my parents, but I do not have any sort of sentimental connection with them...which is sad! I think aiming to repair these relationships is essential in order to grow as a human being and in order to be at peace with oneself.

[BubonicPlague]

Yes, there was some damage that has left me partially impaired.
However, my parents have said that they were sorry and were willing to compensate for their actions.

I am healing slowly and it will take time.
Despite my spiritual beliefs on vengeance, I was willing to forgive all of what they did to me.

[marmaduke]

orchidlotus
I think aiming to repair these relationships is essential in order to grow as a human being and in order to be at peace with oneself.

I suppose its possible for some to repair their relationship, if there is an genuine apology, explanations and a shift in attitude.
My parents however would never admit fault for anything, they were perfect. History is rewritten to suit, repair is not possible, anyway the damage is done.

I am going to say it. I HATE MY MOTHER. because of her I will never be the person I should have been, she ruined my life in so many ways.

I have come to a sort of peace, acceptance.

[possum220]

I don't think I ever got anything right as a kid. My parents would shame and blame and correct me. Do I hate them for it? No. They were just doing to me as was done to them.

I am a million miles from perfect. And I certainly am not the all-knowing parent.

but what the hell is so difficult about simply LOVING a person? LOVE that child with all your might. I am 100% unable to understand how that is difficult for people to grasp.?.?.?

[marmaduke]

Originally Posted by possum220

I don't think I ever got anything right as a kid. My parents would shame and blame and correct me. Do I hate them for it? No. They were just doing to me as was done to them.

You see my mother was not shamed or blamed, her mother was a lovely, kind, generous person much liked and loved by my sisters, particularly my eldest sister who grandmother cared for from birth as my mother had no interest in her.

Her father my (grandfather) was a difficult, rather strange man though. Mean with money, very controlling and a food restrictor, he was underweight. Disowned by his own family for 'marrying beneath himself'.
He was never 'abusive' as such, he just had little to do with the kids (it was the 1940s)

My mother took after her father and seemed to admire his odd ways, She too is underweight, very controlling and a food restrictor.
My mother was never abused, she has only fond memories of her childhood, so I cannot excuse her.

I believe she was born like it (a narcissist) wired wrong I guess. Mother had no empathy , she inherited the PD from her fathers side.
You could say, as it was inherited that she couldn't help it, it not her fault, and maybe that's true.

But I still cannot forgive her, like I would get in from school, and dare to smile. She would say 'Why have you got that silly look on your face, who do you think you are, you think you're clever don't you? well YOU ARE NOT" then tell me that nobody liked me, and they never would". When eventually my face dropped and tears came a smug smirk would play on her lips.
She crushed any childish joy it seemed to irritate her if I looked happy.

Some people seem to carry on the abuse and inflict it their own children, and some don't, thats why I believe there is a genetic predisposition, a inherited narcissism (lack of empathy). For instance, so many people on here were abused as children and yet vow never to treat their children badly.

[happiedasiy]

To everyone who posted here and marmaduke, thank you for sharing.

There were so many good post and to the question.....
and the answers were very revealing.

Do you feel your parents attitudes caused your low self esteem/self hatred.
Do you hate them for it?

To the first, yes and self destruction, not physically like some but silently. I have a brain that clearly sees/feels differently.
It has taken me most of my years, still today I struggle with this thing called happieness.
Like maramaduke, dont dare smile... until tears fell and she was satisfied.
Teacup, all because of what the child did, at age 4. that child has that burden to bear when it was the mother's responsibility to protect him. The silent father ect...
This is the outcome of how my adopted parents behaved / then I have to deal with my dysfunctional bio parents who had psych issues and a father who literally tried to take my life.
Do I hate them? NO, not today.
I would have to walk through cemetery gates to negate resolution as my bio parents died when I was 16.
Do I hate them (adopted p ) no not hate because hating another just harms me, even though it was malicious. If it weren't because of my bio parents the latter would never had happened. So there was a lot of misplaced anger/blame which does not excuse them.
It just how things were and my adopted parents latter have apologized, (fool me once, shame on them fool me twice shame on me.) The truth shows itself. Today I know who and what they are. I give it to karma. I will not be baited to anger.

My daughter, who was a product of sa. I never told her until she was able to understand.
I took all the negativity I experienced as a child and turned it around and made sure she was self confident, secure/safe, and loved. Boundaries, discipline, and responsibility.

The best gift/blessing in the world I experienced the other day, she turned and looked at me with a huge smile. That moment of happiness will be my go to moment
We have had problems and a journey of healing the past 5 years.
She is a happy married woman and she will make a wonderful mother.
SO YOU CAN BREAK CYCLES of HATE and ABUSE.
Its not a perfect, mistakes, misunderstandings, and learning new ways to live life.

For me, I know my healing of the past I will have to revisit it again.
I truly thought I had forgiven everything
But if I can't feel true appropriate happiness for myself in good times, I know there is more work to be done. But do I have to feel hate for every evil deed? I hope not.
Thanks for listening,
Happiedasiy

[marmaduke]

Happiedasiy, lovely post thankyou

[yumi]

Reminds me of that fairly recent video that came on out the msm and YouTube, with that poor little boy being called all kinds of names and being cussed at. Was he like 2 or 3? My heart broke watching that. I was bewildered! I was very happy when social services stepped in.

When things like this happen to young kids, it sticks around.

I was always called "dummy" and other things like that. Bullied in school, too. I was always told what was 'wrong' with me yet not given praise for the right things. It stuck with me. It never really goes away.

Trigger warnings here too.

Similar thing happened to my brother, then age 14. After my mother's fifth marriage blew up (he was chronically out of work and on drugs, and had beat her within an inch of her life before leaving,) she was telling him off for some minor misbehavior and tossed in, "You cause me to lose more husbands...."

Yeah, because he was just such a wonderful man, husband, and father figure, and was any great loss to start with. She didn't lose all those husbands because she was codependent and choosing pond scum to marry in the first place. She lost husbands because my brother had ADHD.

I also relate to the second incident, having been told more than once, "You're book smart, but you don't have any common sense," or "I'm going to have to knock some sense into you."

In the past year or so, the only contact I've had with my mother was to tell her happy birthday when she turned 70. I didn't feel like I could ignore that completely. It just didn't seem right. But now I'm back to no contact. Reason being, her fourth husband sexually molested me. Not only did she not have him prosecuted, but a couple of years later, she actually considered remarrying him! No, she didn't care enough about me to make sure the men in her life wouldn't abuse me, so why should I be in her life now?

After reading about the responses: Wow, sickening about the four year old being blamed for daddy's crime. I hope somebody set that crazy woman straight. Yes, I know, crazy is a disrespectful word for mental illness, but I don't think stupidity is one. It reminds me of something I myself saw in a shelter. This was back in the days of liberal smoking privileges, and cigarettes were allowed almost everywhere. I saw a mother slap a two-year-old. The little girl had innocently picked a butt up out of an ashtray and curiously examined it. "She's only two years old. She don't need to be going around smoking," said the mother. I was in disbelief. Then there was the mother who, when her toddler fell off the side of the tub while playing in the bathroom, ran up to her and.... checked to see if she was hurt, right? Nope, afraid not. Spanked her for playing in the bathroom. And one more--the mother who said to her three-year-old daughter, "Pull your shirt down. I'm not raising a hoochie-mama."

Ugh.

"If my own parents can't love me how can anyone else?" Constant refrain of my life.

Now that I'm older I understand that they both have their own issues and unfortunately I am the one who is suffering for it.

Of course the 8 year old being told she's worthless or is being ignored in favour of others doesn't understand that and the feelings she felt are hard to forget.

Do I hate them? No, but there is a whole lot of resentment.