[Yoda]

Background: PTSD related to violent BF ending in tragedy 6 years ago; that was followed by diagnosis of bipolar

I used to work 60-80 hours/week as a RN but am now disabled. My functioning is getting worse and worse. My house is not just cluttered but is actually a health risk. Year before last I left my (real) Christmas tree up for 3 months until somebody else moved it onto the porch where it stayed for nearly a year. I used to have a garden and such but for the last 2 years I have let my grass grow 2 feet high and not care. Last summer one of my neighbors cut my grass for me once because she was concerned for me. I have cans of food in my cabinet that expired in 2000-2001. I can't get insurance on my house because of it's condition. I buy food and it goes bad because I never cook it.

I don't feel depressed as in sad but I do feel really stressed (financial issues and poor money mgmt, hormonal mentally ill teen who is doing poorly in school and socially, few friends, insomnia).

I am overwhelmed with my life. I want to change but do not know how. I have a therapist and doctor I trust.

I have set simple goals but seldom accomplish anything.

[Rhapsody]

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

I know what YOU mean here, for I too have been going thru the exact same thing, and what worked for ME was to make a list of what needed to be done and then I worked on one thing at a time (no matter how long it took) and then I would checked it off my Need to do List.

I made a rough draft of my list (several times over) and then I finally placed it in order of what would take less time to achieve to the longest time to achieve..... I even broke the longest time things I had to get done into A B C D E (or) 1 2 3 4 5 sections.
....... The list now hangs on my FRIG!!!

After a few months my house is starting to look neat yet lived in again.... and I AM HAPPY!!!

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[breezer]

"i have a therapist and doctor I trust"

Great start for certain. The clutter in you immediate surroundings is no doubt directly related to the circumstances in your life that have enabled your "depression." "Depression" is in quotations because I do not , for even a minute, want to assume that I know the inner-workings of your troubles or the level of frustration that you encounter in trying to solve them. You state that you have set "simple goals" that you , however, feel unable to reach. It is a strange "paradox" ( catch 22, " order of things", "it is what it is") that feeling these goals are out of your grasp serve to keep you from harnessing the strength to set these changes in motion.

Your homestead is a mess because your mind is a tad messy. It is that simple and you need not be too critical of yourself about it.

In light of this idea, though, it may serve you well to take ahold of the idea that "doing what is uncomfortable" (in this case, just putting on your favorite record and "cleaning house" ) will, upon completion, leave you feeling strangely fulfilled and ready for the next "step". You may just be surprised that when you follow through and complete something as basic as cleaning the kitchen or porch, or organizing your spice rack, or EVEN getting rid of the empty cereal boxes that are aspiring to rival your Lego supply, that you will as a result feel inspired to continue on haven proven that it is, indeed, possible.

Peace to You

-Breezer

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
breezer said:
Your homestead is a mess because your mind is a tad messy.

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I agree with Breezer here, for ones surroundings will often reflect how they are feeling from within....... dazed & confused, with out direction.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Yoda]

Hi, Rhapsody,

How did you get from making and prioritizing the lists to actually moving? I have lots of lists and my most recent updated today has my 2 most important tasks in red and bold. But I have not devoted 5 minutes to either. Sometimes it is really hard for me to get outside and feed my animals who I adore. I very seldom feed my kid (but he can feed himself at 17 mostly).

But I am ahead of where I was 4-6 years ago when I slept 12-14 hours/day to avoid the pain. I am awake more now although I accomplish little and I have come to terms with my grief and am at peace with who I am and happy to wake up every morning. There was a time when I thought I wouldn't.

A have a general apathy that extends throughout my whole life - visiting friends, organizing (I hate the word cleaning, paying bills, reading mail (I lost significant $$ twice because I don't read most of my mail), helping my child in school. Actually the only things I do do is shop on-line, troll the www, and play with my plastic ponies.

I have taken xanax for a few years but only take 1-2 mg/day now to help me sleep so I don't know...

[Yoda]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
breezer said:
The clutter in you immediate surroundings is no doubt directly related to the circumstances in your life that have enabled your "depression." ... It is a strange "paradox" ( catch 22, " order of things", "it is what it is") that feeling these goals are out of your grasp serve to keep you from harnessing the strength to set these changes in motion.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

<font color="red">Yes, yes, I think if I could get started I might have some momentum but I am stuck in inertia</font>

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rhapsody said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
breezer said:
Your homestead is a mess because your mind is a tad messy.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I agree with Breezer here, for ones surroundings will often reflect how they are feeling from within....... dazed & confused, with out direction.
LoVe,
Rhapsody -

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

<font color="red">For sure!!! Dazed and confused without direction! I am amazed that I am still alive. </font>

[Rhapsody]

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

I too can understand and know personally of that UGLY old feeling that leaves us thinking that we are useless and forgotten in our mind if no where else. I personally feel that we must fight against this monster on an daily and hourly basis, and that we do not necessarily need to act upon our struggle every day as to win..... but that a weekly reaction upon our struggle will still get us to where we desire to be, slow but sure.

Try taking your list and breaking it down to many little things instead of two or three big things, and if needed into just one of those little things done a week.... but while doing this in small segments make sure that what you just finished/completed does not come undone.

I personally feel as though LIFE can be full and fun for all involved, if we but only take LIFE at the pace that our emotional / mental mind can handle.

....... 1st QUESTION for YOU
What is it from your childhood that leaves YOU hating almost resenting have to - as YOU put it (I hate the word cleaning, paying bills, reading mail..... etc ).

I feel that if you can answer this question then you may well be on your way to opening the door to your past and then to how it controls/affects you today, as an Adult.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Yoda]

Still trying to define what about my childhood that has set my view of chores as things to be avoided. I always did have a messy room and my parents threatened punishment but never carried through so I guess I learned there were no consequences...

but...

I did not used to be at this level of dysfunction. I was quite successful and respected in my job until my mental illness precluded me from working.

It has gotten way out of control now. I had a water leak and would not call a plumber to fix it for over a year until it finally became so bad that we could no longer take showers.

I stopped by flylady.com this evening. I tried that a year ago but got annoyed at the numerous e-mails and got very little motivation to change.

In the beginning baby steps I found: <font color="blue">I know that you have become overwhelmed by your home and the chaos that you have been living in. ... your home did not get this way overnight and it is not going to get clean in a day. ... your home did not get this way overnight and it is not going to get clean in a day."</font>

I also liked this idea:

<font color="blue">What is a 5 minute Room Rescue?
This is a reminder to spend just 5 minutes clearing a path in your worst room. You know this area of your home: the place you would never allow anyone to see. Just 5 minutes a day for the next 27 days and you will have a place you can be proud to take anyone.</font>

But then rather than go clean my sink like flylady said to do as a first task I sat. And continued to sit.

Then I found this support group: http://groups.google.com/group/alt.r....procrastinate

I think about changing and how I would like to be alot different but actual activity to meet those goals are not happening.

[Rhapsody]

Hmm -

Maybe your problem is not so much in cleaning but rather more of a WOUND or FEAR that has found its way out of your subconscious mind, and now represents its self in the form of PROCRASTINATING?

Do YOU have any ideal as to why YOU have recently started to procrastinate in all your responsibilities?

Not for sure if this helps any..... but

I once had a friend that would NEVER clean her dishes, often leaving them for weeks at a time - even months. Then one day while we were talking it all come out.... her MOTHER was very mean toward her and nice to her younger sister (the new daughter from her new marriage) and the MOTHER would often make my friend do all the house cleaning and when she had to do the dishes her MOTHER would make her re-wash the entire stack of dishes if she found just one item that still had a spot of food on it (you know the kind of spot that most of us would just rub off with our finger).

Well now, due to this repeated controlled nature that her MOTHER had over her, mixed with the sexual abuse that my friend suffered at the hands of her MOTHERS new husband..... my friend now has a deep inner wounded resentment toward all dirty dishes - she will no longer allow another thing or person to control her.... not even that of a DISH.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.
My friend also HATES all FROGS....... for she had to hand clean all 300 (plus) of her MOTHERS figurine collection of FROGS.

[SeptemberMorn]

Yoda, I've got the same problem. Read my thread "Slowly becoming aware..." here in this forum.

[Wants2Fly]

Hello Yoda -- My situation has never reached the place where yours is, but I have experienced some downward slides that were very scarey.

If you live in the US, you live in a society that ignores its poorest, sickest, oldest and their needs. The infrasctructure we need isn't here.

Is there any possibility of getting church or community resources to help you? Sometimes church groups help people fix up homes. My school is having a big push right now to get us to do "service learning" projects with our students.

If not, please be as kind and patient as you can with yourself. This isn't your fault.

I have been overwhelmed by life due to depression & find I can't keep up with the demands of a household. I've learned to set the timer for 15 min. & do the most crucial job--dishes, emptying the dryer & folding clothes, reading the mail & discarding junk mail, returning phone calls, taking a shower & shaving my legs! (I tell my husband he's on duty for dinner-either pick something up or find something to cook.)

That way something gets done (& you'd be amazed at what you can accomplish in 15 min. plus sometimes it would motivate me to work for another 15 min.) I realized it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. But I do have a friend who is bp & when she is in a depression she literally can't get out of bed. She's single so her behavior didn't impact others, but she certainly felt badly about being such a "slug" as she called it. When her meds were adjusted it was amazing how much she accomplished & how she felt.--Suzy

[Yoda]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Wants2Fly said:
Hello Yoda -- My situation has never reached the place where yours is, but I have experienced some downward slides that were very scarey.

If you live in the US, you live in a society that ignores its poorest, sickest, oldest and their needs. The infrasctructure we need isn't here.

Is there any possibility of getting church or community resources to help you? Sometimes church groups help people fix up homes. My school is having a big push right now to get us to do "service learning" projects with our students.

If not, please be as kind and patient as you can with yourself. This isn't your fault.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I kind of have mixed feelings about people. Sometimes you get rain and sometimes you get sunshine.

Last year I lost my social security disability income because I do not read >75% of my mail (a sort of procrastination, I think) and thus did not fill out the appropriate paperwork and lost my benefits. So I lived in my house for 2 months with no electric with my food in a cooler with ice. I called 8 different churches then to ask for support. Nobody gave any help and half of them would not even return my phone call. I finally got my disability back with the help of my psychiatrist.

But, on the other hand, this summer when my grass was 2 feet tall because I had procrastinated until it was finally too high to cut with a lawnmower - as I said in my first post, a neighbor who lives on my rural road asked if I would mind if she cut my grass for me. For free! I didn't even know this lady. I had no money to give her but I did give a carton of cigarettes to her husband who did most of the cutting.

My family couldn't really care less. The reason I moved back into my house with no electric last summer was because I could no longer stand my sister who had a cow because I didn't dry off before getting out of the shower and got HER precious rug wet. And so on... I was much happier living in peace with no electric.

Which has me wondering - am I too happy? I mean, I am stunned that I have survived after having guns to my head multiple times. So I am now just happy that I wake up every morning and that is all it takes to make me happy. I love life.

My son doesn't understand why I am no longer bothered by the filth that I live in. I used to care. But I no longer care. I have a high self esteem, maybe too high?? Wondering if I am delusional? Sometimes I think I am losing touch with reality.

Yoda, enjoy it while you can!--Suzy

[Boopers]

Yoda,

I'm sorry, I wish I had answers for you, but I don't. I suffer from depression and have had bouts of not wanting to be around people and such but not of not taking care of the cleaning of my house, so I don't know what to say to help.
Just don't be hard on yourself as it's not like you want to be this way.
I do hope that you can find the key that will unlock the door to whatever it is that is holding you back.
Good luck to you.
I care,
Linda

[Yoda]

You guys are such great support! I don't have alot of friends but I do have alot of virtual friends thanks to the WWW.

Guess what I did tonight!

I picked up ten things from every room in my house. I just turned up Aerosmith and said "do it, <u>right now</u> So I did it.

Then I took some carrots out to my horse. I think he was happy to see me. I gave him a big hug and a smooch on the muzzle.

YAY!!!

[biiv]

way to go yoda!! thats a great step. i am really bad at keeping my place tiny. i only have a tiny bedsit but it can get so full of stuff that i literally have no where to put my feet down! it can take me up to a month to unpack my bag after ive been home to my parents house for a weekend and there have been times where ive had the same dishes in the sink for a month or where take away packets have piled into a mountain about three feet high because i cant bring myself to bring them downstairs to the bin so i have some idea what you re talking about. at the moment the place is okish but the only reason is because i set myself two goals. the first is to tidy away my clothes from the day before whenever i dress the next morning (not that i do dress every morning but im trying to get past that too!) and the second is to wash my dishes every time i go to leave them in the sink. my sink is clear now and pathetic as it sounds it actually gives me a feeling of having more room to breathe.
when i had just about every dish in my house dirty though i started a system whereby every time i needed a dish i would wash the one i needed plus one extra one. if i needed two i would wash two extra ones and sometimes i would just wash one extra cup to lean the others against or wash all the cutlery instead of just one knife just because i felt like it. it did gradually eat away the stack of dirty dishes and i felt like i was doing something. maybe you could apply a similar system to some of the areas that bug you most? rather than going out of your way to clean or tidy do it on the way past. i love the idea of picking up ten things in every room. great plan!
the best thing about doing little things is that the motivation does actually build on itself and you have better and better days. the important thing though is to remember that you havent given in or wrecked anything or undone all the good you did if you slip up for a day or two. the next day just get back to the plan.
oh and of course the other most important thing is to keep talking to your doc and T to get to the bottom of why you feel safer in clutter. the cleaning is really just a short term benefit if the long term personal work isnt done too.
i really wish you the best. keep posting as you need to and i hope you can take a little away from this way too long post at least!
good luck to you and take care,
biiv

i've always used a system of setting the timer for thirty minutes and working to see how much i can get done before it goes off. when i was very young, i worked for a "temp" agency and their rule was that the first thirty minutes on the job were the most important......so, i got into the 30 minute habit.

i also find that i tackle TOO MUCH frequently and i have to back off and re-prioritize the tasks. i get grandiose ideas that everything will be perfect and of course...i never get quite there. so, i've been staying with little things (30 mins) and it works very well for me now. MUSIC is a huge motivator for me. i have downloaded R.L. Burnside, "It's Bad You Know" and i find it very energizing. lots of harmonica and great rythmn. i put a "disc jockey" list on my Roxio with the most upbeat songs that i like and let the music move me.

in 2005, i was down for two months and KA convinced me to quit using my dishes and go to all paper and plastic. i did that and it helped. when i got better, i swtiched back to my real stuff.

hang in there.......we've all been there, in one form or fashion, and will support you........xoxoxo pat

p.s. doesn't it really help you to love on your horse? i really miss having a horse now. that was always one of the nicest things that i could do.....hug the horse.......