[strangeskies]

I don't know where to post this so I put it here. If a moderator thinks there's a better place then please move it.

Hi. I'm a 24 year old guy from Cairo, Egypt. I have never been outside of Egypt. I have borderline personality disorder as diagnosed by pychiatrist and I don't know what else I might have undiagnosed.

When I was 15 years old I started self injuring and then my mother took me to psychiatrist. I was going to psychiatrists from 15 to 21 years old. Psychiatrists were abusive. They wrote me so much medicines, up to 9 pills a day and injection once every 2 weeks at one point. Some of them would ask the first thing: "do you have homosexual tendencies?" as if that would be the reason why I am like that, instead of asking about my family and studies and if I have friends. And when the pills put 43 kilograms on top of me (which was a death sentence for me, it was awful. I was just 16 years old and already my back and knees hurt and I can't walk 5 minutes without my body hurting very badly.) and I tell them about it they say: "you eat too much, you sleep too much, you don't move". When I was 21 years old one day I finally gathered to courage to rebel and I said how I really feel about psychiatrists to the psychatrist. He got angry and yelling at me and kicked me out. Then I quit medicine cold turkey and spent a month unable to sleep and hallucinating and having my body just messed up. Then I lost exactly the 43 kilograms in 5 months. Nothing of that was my fault, it was entirely the pills. Now from psychiatry in Egypt I am left with only sagging skin and traumatizing memories.

Of course it looks silly when a 70 or something year old man loses his mind over just some little words I said, it makes no sense. But that's how adults were in general to me. They don't pay attention, they don't do something with me and they don't talk to me. And then at stupid silly little things me as a kid says, they lose their minds and I get hell down over my head. It was this with my parents, sibilings. I can't tell when it is going be okay and when it is not. I can't tell when I'll make people angry or not. Humans don't make sense to me. And I am scared to talk to them or ask help or anything because I don't know who might explode at me. And as a result of that, I grew up saying nothing but the least I need to. I answered everything with "yes/no" and otherwise said nothing. I had no friends and I didn't bother to appraoch people. Both kids and teachers at school abused the hell out of me and I'm very traumatized by it. I'm terrified and scared of humans and I long for someone to hold my hands and take me with them to do something good together. But it is too late for that. As a man I am expected to have a job and wife and children. Nobody is going to bother hugging me and making me feel safe. It is too late for that. I missed the train. I have no social skills and I am terrified of humans. It feels that everybody took their place already and I missed the train. Everybody found a home, friend, found themselves, found a signification other. But I was just alone and too terrified to take part in anything.

My father died when I was 8 years old. They gave birth to me when they were 60 and 50 years old and that is very stupid thing to do. I was born to find dying people who are too tired and too burned by life to have any joy anymore. I have 3 siblings. 1 is 14 years older than me and 2 twins are 9 years older than me. I grew up alone because they were already teengers when I was little and teengers are stupid and edgy. They looked at and treated me like their stupid little clumsy kid brother that they don't wnat to be seen with. For example when I was lonely and bored and was listening to my brother and sister talk, they came and my brother lost his mind and yelled at me for being a "spying dog" (in Arabic, animals are used as insults). They didn't take me places and when I wanted to go with them it was no. When I wanted to talk to them or their friends it was no. They were ashamed to be seen with me. And my father didn't talk, he went and came from work to sleep and then work until he died. My mother was always nervous and angry and made me feel bad and nervous with her voice always yelling about little pointless things over and over. I have trauma from her voice.

I see pictures from my siblings at the beach, before I was born. At parks and at places having fun with my family and laughing. But for me there are no pictures. No even pictures when I was baby. and the pictures they took on the day I was born? The film was burned in error in the printing process. It's as if I am not meant here. and they didn't take me anywhere. Not once I was taken to a beach. We have cities on the sea that people go to in summer, and not once they went after I was born. All kids at school would talk how they went with their parents and I just feel ashamed of mine. I used to lie at school and say my parents took me to England (because I had good English, I was an English genius compared to everybody). It was something to feel proud about. But it was a lie.

My father died when I was 8. Then my mother got years-long depression. Attempted suicide at least twice, and I discovered her one of those times when I was just 12 or something years old. At those years she just always layed in bed and didn't shower for months. I still remember that smell. My siblings were too busy with their stupid teenage ****. I was dealing with that alone. My siblings are also messed up and caused me hell. They had violence and problems too. But I'm too tired to tell more about that.

They lost their money in a big scale scam that happened in Egypt in the 1980's (you can read about it on internet if you search for Al-Rayyan scam in Egypt. It's a big thing here and everybody knows it.) and were broken before I was born.

I am very lonely and I have no friends. I have been here on the computer for years. Yes I go to eat and sometimes I had lectures and went to exams and now I go out to buy things sometimes. But other than that, I am on the computer. My family's relation is broken and nobody bears anyone. And I don't know anybody and I am too terrified of people to approach them. I tried friendships online but they don't work.

I wasn't touched and I don't touch. My family views affection as something shameful. I have not been hugged since I was a child, and I only have very faint memories of it. I need to touch and hug. And worse, I need sex. It isn't something that I choose, it's an instinct out of my control. This all is hell. As a teenger I used to think that I should cut my genitals off as there is no use for them. But I don't think that way anymore. I just miss to badly to touch a human but nobody wants anything to do with me and I am too terrified of anyone.

Then to the other topics. I have graduated with bachelor's degree in the last summer. Then it took months to finish the army papers. We have mandatory army service for graduate males. They didn't take me because of my self-injury scars.

Now I have been looking for a job for months and I find nothing. I sent my CV to all the possible places. And impossble, I sent to jobs unrelated to what I know out of frustration. I just sent it anywhere I could. But I got no response whatsoever.
Here is what it looks like with the personal details cut off: (I wanted to link an image but I am not allowed with less than 10 posts. I will write the contents in text at the bottom of this post)
Of course I have learned all of this on my own. In school there was nothing but people bullying me and giving me hell and I learned nothing from it. I learned my English in my early teens when I used to get whatever English books I find and an English to Arabic dictionary and read them word by word. I also learned from movies, music and video games. All the computer things, I learned on my own. When I was 17 years old I put together my first computer on my own. I looked from the internet which parts would go together and I went and bought them seperately and build to together. Then I learned how to use Windows and I become a "power user" of Windows. Then I got bored and moved to Linux. I learned so much of Linux and programming and computer things.

I have learned Finnish because I love Finland. There is no way to explain it. I heard Finnish songs in 2007 and since then it became a part of me that can't be detached. It is one of the very few joys in life to me to read and listen and hear and write in the Finnish language. It is my goal in life to become a Finnish citizen. But it is impossible for me to move there now and that is another reason for frustration.

But now I am tired. I have studied so much alone, lost, banging my head against the darkness until I found my way with things (the same how I learned Engish, banging at each word one at a time). It is an exhausting process. It brought nothing to me. I can't find a job with my CV. I'm very frustrated that all my effort isn't bringing me anything. I am tired to study anymore. I've been sleeping and crying for days. My eyes hurt and my face hurts and I feel very tired and weak. I haven't been eating enough.

I want to scream for help.
I feel that I am worth nothing because I am born as an Egyptian. The money a European or American spends on drinking in few months would improve my life endlessles. My country doesn't give a ****. only takes and never gives. And that's another long long story I am too tired to discuss. I just feel that as an Egyptian I am worth nothing. My government doesn't want and doesn't care about me, and other governments look at me as a terrorist or someone trying to take abuse of them and have strong laws against me. It is that I am, as an Egyptian citizen, worth nothing, regardless of any merits I have and regardless of how much effort I spent on studying and learning. Nobody cares.
But I feel that I am alone. I feel that nobody can help me. I feel that life working on the principle "I got mine, **** you". That nobody gives a ****. That my sibilings can be right beside me and not want anything to do with me. I haven't spoke with my voice in months. Only when I ask things at the shops is the only use for my voice. Other than that, nobody cares to hear it.

Please help me. I'm so tired and alone. And nobody wants anything to do with me anymore, I can't ask help from anybody.
Please help me.

[kaliope]

hi strangeskies
I am sorry that your life has been such a struggle. it sounds as if things have been very traumatic for you. it could be that you have ptsd instead of bpd. they are often misdiagnosed for each other. perhaps getting counseling for your trauma would give you a different outlook on life. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[strangeskies]

Thank you kaliope. I think that I have BPD because the symptoms fit. At first I was diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder (probably because I hardly said anything) and that didn't make sense. But when I got the BPD diagnosis it made sense. I think that I might have both BPD and PTSD.

About the therapy... I learned from the internet how there is this "therapy" thing and I didn't know what it is. When I asked the psychiatrists one would say "when you are good enough you can get therapy", which was like an empty promise to a child: "when you behave I will buy you an airplane." Other would say: "this is therapy, what I am doing with you." But it simply wasn't. And those psychiatrists, had certificates hung on the wall from American and British universities. So I believe we have no therapy here, it is a luxury that is not available. And even if, there is no money anymore and government doesn't pay for these things. If I could have gotten therapy then I would long ago. But I'm alone with this.

On another topic, I noticed silly mistakes in my first post. When I said my parents had me at 60 and 50 years old I meant 50 and 40.

[seltsambpd]

I am 26 years old guy from Cairo. I can relate to many things of what you have said. Actually I was thinking about suicide (as always) when I found your post. I was searching for any kind of therapy for BPD in Egypt but there is nothing. I have tried many times going to psychiatrists for the past 9 years and I have been diagnosed with many things until I have been diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago (Which I think is the correct diagnosis). I haven't been to any psychiatrists after that. I guess there is no hope in searching in this direction, we don't have in Egypt real psychiatrists.
I have just registered on this forum to replay on your message, it is good to find people near you that you can relate to.

[strangeskies]

Thanks for writing.

Yeah, I can't really add something more to what you said. I've lost hope too in Egypt overall and my purpose in life is to leave here. There's more like us, if you do a google search like I explained on nushi's thread you'll see more Egyptians here. And there's even more, those who don't know psychcentral, those who don't have internet, those who don't know English etc.

So yeah, I know how lonely it is, and I know how easy it is to start doubting myself, because it feels that I'm the only one like this - then there must be something wrong with me, I must be a wrong person etc. But no, there are others like me too.

Good luck.

[MotownJohnny]

Wow, I don't know what to say , Strangeskies. Your story is heartbreaking. You have been victimized repeatedly and never given a real chance. I am glad that you persevere even though I it is incredibly hard. I think your goal is laudable, to escape to a country that will have more opportunity and be more accepting. I guess in the interim keep learning about your condition, be active in online support groups.

Originally Posted by strangeskies

Hi. I'm a 24 year old guy from Cairo, Egypt. I have never been outside of Egypt. I have borderline personality disorder as diagnosed by pychiatrist and I don't know what else I might have undiagnosed.

But I feel that I am alone. I feel that nobody can help me. I feel that life working on the principle "I got mine, **** you". That nobody gives a ****. That my sibilings can be right beside me and not want anything to do with me. I haven't spoke with my voice in months. Only when I ask things at the shops is the only use for my voice. Other than that, nobody cares to hear it.

Please help me. I'm so tired and alone. And nobody wants anything to do with me anymore, I can't ask help from anybody.
Please help me.

Hello Strangeskies: I'm so sorry for your plight. I'm an older person. But, still, you & I have a few things in common. My parents were also older when I was born. I was an only child. I was often a target for neighborhood bullies outside of school until my parents moved us out to a rural area. At that point, I was just alone, except when I was in school, where I was bullied both verbally & physically for years.

I'm in the U.S. I grew up at a time, & in a place, where one simply did not talk about one's problems with anyone. Everyone knew about the bullying I endured. But nobody cared. So I learned to just suck it up & keep to myself as much as possible. As a result, as you did, I learned not to trust anyone & to keep pretty-much to myself. To this day, all of these decades later, I still prefer to be alone, although I did manage to get married along the way. I haven't been employed now for over a dozen years & I spend most of my time on the internet too (although recently I've begun trying to pry myself away from it a bit.)

I did want to comment with regard to your love of Finland. I grew up in the northeastern part of the U.S. But as a teenager, I developed a love for the state of Alaska. I always wanted to go there & perhaps live there. Unfortunately, I never went there &, at this point, I probably never will. But, as a teenager & young adult, Alaska was my dream!

Your post, both in the title & at the end, said: "please help." So I'd like to ask what you thought of as being the help you might receive as a result of your post here on PC. I read the Reply from the other young man from Egypt who said he is in similar straits. I've also communicated, here on PC, with 1 or 2 other young Egyptian men whose circumstances are similar.

Although we live in very different countries, I can relate to some of what you experienced. And I know, from my contacts with other young Egyptian men, that therapy is near impossible to come by. So, if you can, please write about what you envision would be helpful. Thanks.

[strangeskies]

MotownJohnny,

Thank you for the reply. And yeah, I have it hard but there are other people who have things worse than me, and there are countries that have it worse than Egypt. There isn't anything to do as the world just turns its back to us and rather forget and go to be distracted by who of the famous billionares cheated on who and get drunk and watch TV and such dumb things.

The Skeezyks,

Thank you for that. Yes, everybody knows of the bullying here too. There are videos of how teachers are torturing children in school in Egypt on youtube. It's out there for everyone to see but no one gives a damn. Parents still send their children to be broken in school. When I was in school I never started trouble and I was the "best" student, as in I just wanted to sit alone quiet. But when kids started bullying me, the teachers punished both the victim and victimizer. There was one time a kid made a cut above my eyelid and I still have the scar from it to this day, and that day I was also punished by the teacher instead of being offered comfort and support that I deserved. It is my mistake for sitting here quiet, and it is my mistake that a kid started hitting me. It is my mistake for being in school. It is simply my mistake for existing at all. And I apparently need punishment for it. It is very low, when I am the one who is hurting and in pain but people only come to hurt me more. But that's the way it happens, also from my own family. Which is why I don't talk a word to them anymore, but which also makes me lonelier. But it's easier to be lonely than to be hurt. Anyway, it just looks like everything is out there for everyone to see but people geniunly don't give a damn. They rather watch Turkish TV series and talk how Mubarak wasn't bad and watch football than try to solve anything or listen or connect or support anyone here.

I know what would help me. To move away from Egypt, to get a chance to learn or to work, to get a better place. But I was just saying help in general. Just that I feel alone and there is nowhere I could ask help from and I just want to cry for help from anywhere. I am gifted with a good brain and it should be something precious but here nobody recognizes or appreciates it. I didn't have a chance to learn nor to work. I've learned English and Finnish all on my own and a lot of computer things, even though I had no chance to get a real education and no real chance of help from others. Finnish is a difficult language and I read people on internet say it takes 4 years to learn Finnish, and others who go to Finnish classes or have a teacher, or people who even have lived in Finland for years but all write how they suffer with it. I learned Finnish in a year, on my own. Now I can write with Finns online in Finnish, without needing English, the same as I am writing with you in English. And there are others like me: smart, healthy youth who are neglected, struggling on their own with no chances, while the old people are just acting their same old clown show over and over again.

Hello Strangeskies, I have several ideas I want to share with you: First, congratulations on achieving your bachelor's degree! That is a huge accomplishment.

Second, I believe your feeling of love for Finland is a blessing, because it gives you hope, purpose, and YES, you can go there. You HAVE to get there, my friend.

The third thought I have in my mind is to assure you that even though you feel alone, you are not alone. My parents were older when I was born, too. My sisters were 15 and 18 years of age when I was born, and were out of the house when I grew up so I might just as well have grown up an only child. My parents were jaded and had lost much of their joy for life by the time I was born. They were bitter toward each other and disappointed with their lives. I was supposed to make them happy again - a very big burden. They were no happier, but I was certainly depressed as a child. By the time I was a teen my parents both had failing health. My father ran off with another woman. I had to care for my mother (she was also extremely depressed and never left the house), so there was no hope for me to go away to university.

At this point I have lost both parents and all of my aunts and uncles. My sisters and cousins are many years older than I am. Of course, grandparents are long gone. My sisters and parents had an entire life before I was born - I've often felt as though I was just dropped into their house like an alien. So, yes...it is very difficult to be born to older parents. I learned a lot from my parents, but frankly I resent having parents who were old enough to be my grandparents. When I was a kid, it hurt to look at photos of the good times my parents and sisters had long before I was born.

My hope for you is that you get a job and save money to travel to Finland. With all the hardship you have lived through, you are still young and have many chances and a life ahead of you.

[strangeskies]

First, thank you!

Second, yes I think so too. It's something to wake up for. I'll get there. When I was young I made friends with a stray cat and her kittens and her kittens' kittens for a few years, gave them food and played with them. It was also something to come home for, after all the misery in school, to find my cat friends running around my feet and meowing for food, then to watch them eat and clean their paws and faces, drinking water and milk from jar lids then play with them with crumbled-up paper or pet them or watch them just nap and wake up to stretch and yawn. Then my family stopped me because they hate cats. But now since 2006 there's been Finland to fill that space for me.

Third, that sounds so similar... even my mother used to say, that I was a gift from god to them in a difficult time. Exactly, they were bitter and disappointed and we're supposed to make them happy again. And it's the same... I was depressed as a child, by teens my father was dead and my mother had failing health that she couldn't do anything with me and when I was little everybody was too busy fighting to do anything with me. Going outside with family meant that we'll go in the car, and then my father drives 10 minutes then he and mother start fighting then we go back home worse than before. Thank you so much for sharing that, it's good to know to hear from someone who experienced something similar.

I also don't have any relations with relatives, they all hate each other and when I was young and started talking to someone then the other pulls me to the side and tells me how that someone is bad. Everybody was seperated in teams against each other and if you hang around that team then the other team will tell you how they are bad and so on. I couldn't handle that and I haven't seen any of them in years. It's the same in my family, I was in my mother's room few months ago and she said: "you look like your father when you grew, get out".

I'm just studying more programming and looking for a job now.

[fluffbuster]

Seriousl - go to craigslist Finland - look for job there - answer it and tell them you're from Egypt and you need to get work permit and $$. or post for a job on craigslist Finland. with your qualifications, you may be able to get a job, since you are tri-linqual, along w/ your programming, you are a much needed specialist.
i'm sorry for your troubles - but hopefully you can move onto a better and more pleasant life. good luck.

I truly wish for you a better life

[avlady]

yes get to finand when possible. You must be very smart to have put together a computer, just think of all the other things you can do. congradulations on your bachelors degree too. you can use the skills you've learned for several different things hopefully.

[marmaduke]

Study hard, and move away. Sometimes sadly its the best thing to do, get away from toxic negative people and places.
I had a similar childhood, my parents blamed me for everything that was wrong in their lives.

Be strong.

[henrydavidtherobot]

This is heartbreaking and beautifully written. I minored in Arabic, but lack the education to teach in the Middle East. My dream is to spend time in Cairo. It would be great if I were there now and we could talk over coffee.