Crazy neighbor--may call police

My new neighbor moved in just one week ago today. In this short time my crazy new neighbor, I think, is making me crazy, too. I just want to be away from him and all contact--to know that I am safe. I get notes from him under my door every day, and in the one last night he seems to be confusing his fantasy with reality. I'm obviously not a psychologist, but I think that's a very big problem. Well, that and everything else he said in the letter and all the other happenings of the past week. This last letter has done more to persuade me to contact the police and at least let them know this guy is a problem for me. And for the fact that since I already have PTSD, I have trouble communicating with people like him. I'm saving all my notes from him. I'll take them with if I do talk to the police.

One thing that I am concerned about in going to the police is that I do have PTSD from past experiences. I was emotionless and unresponsive to what my neighbor did that one night. I feel like he thought or that the police might think that it could be considered giving him permission because I didn't say anything for most of it.

Besides all this, my kid's psychologist wants to talk to mine since I was able to squeeze in a couple more appointments before my insurance ends. Now I have to worry how this and other things could potentially affect me, and my kids.

I'm sorry if this seems to be in the wrong forum heading. I really don't know where to post it. I've been posting places according to how I feel. This could maybe go under the PTSD forum, but right now I think I'm just looking for the support. I haven't had a situation like this before and I worry about how my mental health and reactions might affect how the police might respond. I don't know how seriously I would be taken because I didn't tell the guy "no" for a while and I still don't want to have any contact or communication with him. I know in reality that just because my PTSD came into my reaction and I didn't say anything, still doesn't make what he did okay or probably legal. I think he could still maybe be charged with assault or something, but I don't know for sure.

I'd appreciate any kind thoughts, ideas or suggestions. If you have any experience with mental health issues and the police, I'm curious what may have happened and how it all went. Is there anything I should be aware of?

Hi Inkblot,

Being able to say no and to be firm and to stand up to people, even when you are afraid, might be something to work towards, because if you have those skills then you will be able to protect yourself better. But you are not at fault for what happened to you. I don't know the details, but I'm postive that the guy knew you did not want or consent to what he did. Right? And I don't believe that the police interpret a situation in which the victim of a crime was too much in shock to have the ability to protest to be consensual either.

About this new neighbor, what does he write in the notes? Has he threatened you? Sometimes you might have a sense that something isn't right and somebody is a danger to you, but other times it might be a reaction based on your past experience. I don't have enough information to interpret this situation. But if you don't feel safe, don't hesitate to tell someone who can help you.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

</font color=orange>

This guy hasn't made physical threats, but I am aware of him having a violent personality in the past. In these notes, he says that he can't stop thinking about me since we met. He says that he NEEDS to know about me, that he must have answers. He knows that he moved too fast and went too far when we met and says that it has happened as well with others. In those other cases, he says he walked away from those women fine and with no repercussions--it seems that he has no guilt for touching them. He said also in this note that self gratification is all that he desired. He thinks that I am like a drug to him and he is addicted. I make him crazy. He loves the way my hair wraps around my face. He said that when he pulls it back my ears seem just perfect--> That is part of his * FANTASY * about me and never happened!!! He never played with my hair. He felt it once and rubbed it between his fingers, but that is all. He never pulled it back. He says in this letter also that my eyes are hypnotizing and that he likes my laugh. He is too often hanging around my door by/in the landlord's storage room. I don't have a peep hole in my door to look out, but I hear him walk back and forth from his apartment to the storage room door--directly in front of my apartment door. Today doesn't really feel like Easter, but if it's going to be a holiday I'm sure glad it's not Valentine's. I hate to think what this guy might be like then. There are so many more details that I haven't posted yet.

What does your landlord say?

<font color=blue> "History shows again and again how nature puts up the folly of men." </font color=blue>

Regarding his history of violence - was it towards women? This best predictor of violence is past violence, so knowing who the type of victim was would be important.

Can you put a note in his mailbox nicely, but bluntly and clearly telling him to leave you alone? If he does not, then I would contact the police. Explain the situation, and see what they say. Maybe they know him already, and would pay him a visit.

Take care of yourself Ink!

Emmy


"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- The Dalai Lama

I don't like the sound of this guy. He may be harmless, but you should not have to put up with harassment like that. I'm not sure the police can do anything, but I would file a complaint (if you have asked him to stop and he won't). Then the first time he threatens anything at least you will have a history established and they will move that much faster to protect you. Would moving be an option for you? It's unfortunate, but going on just this little tangible evidence of the neighbor being violent, the fastest and easiest way for you to be safe and have peace of mind may be for you to get away from him, as he hasn't done anything yet that would give them any basis to force him to move or take other kind of action against him. Try talking to the landlord too. Maybe the landlord can do something since he owns the property .

Let us know how it's going!

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

</font color=orange>

Gosh inkblot I just finished reading this and I'm scared for you. You shouldn't put up with this behaviour. Why should she considor moving? Dont give him the satisfaction!!!!! Definatly go to the police with this. They need to have this on file. I would also tell him straight out that this "fantasy" of his is just that, HIS fantasy and remind him that this never happend. Let us know what happend. I'm thinking of you.

"you only have one chance to make a first impression"

I'd do what Emily suggested and put a note (make a copy of it for yourself and to show to the police) that clearly states:

I've noticed the attention you've paid me in the past two weeks since you've moved in here. Let me be clear -- this attention is unwanted and unappreciated. I am asking that you stop this behavior immediately as it is making me feel uncomfortable. If you continue with this attention, I will have no choice but to involve the police in this matter. Thank you for your cooperation.

Don't hedge and don't apologize for your feelings. Make it absolutely clear to him that his advances are unwanted. In my suggestion, I also made it clear what would happen if his behaviors continued, but tried to be pleasant in the way I framed it. Use your own words and say what is comfortable for you to say. Don't forget to make a copy for your records!

Then, understand, if he continues you absolutely should followup with the police and even, if necessary, take it one step further and file a restraining order against him.

Sorry you have to be dealing with this... Nobody should have to feel this way in their own home. Life's usually not boring, now is it?

DocJohn

Inkblot,

DocJohn's suggestion is a great one, but I have two minor additions, based on past experiences of mine. I would recommend sending the letter by mail, and ask for a receipt of delivery...that way, if any legal action is needed, you have proof that you sent the letter, and he received it. Also, I would highly recommend looking in the phone book for a local Women's Center, and talking to them. They often have a lot of experience with local law enforcement, and might be able to offer you advice on the best way to get assistance from the police. And at the very least, it is a place where there will be people who can understand what you are going through, and offer you some support.

Good luck...you will be in my prayers.
mj

inkblot

I think if this is becoming bothersome and you aren't feeling comfortable with the letters ect.. then you should perhaps bring them into the police, they shouldn't say ever that you are giving him permission to do this, it's not right. Take it to a female officer maybe? That may help somewhat.

You said that you could probably charge him with assualt? What did he do? If it gets to that point that you are worried about seeing him ect.. then you should contact someone, show the letters maybe you could give get a restraining order? I think it's good that you are keeping the notes, at least then thats prove that he is bothering you.

Take care of yourself inknblot.
*hugs*

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

hi inkblot i am sorry i didn't get to respond to this last night but i was going to say almost exactly what docjohn said... write him a note, be, short, clear and specific, that you want him to stay away from you. Be polite but DON'T be apologetic in any way, shape or form. Err on the side of formality. Don't give him even one line that he can "hook" onto and say to himself "she really does like me" because you care about his feelings or anything like that, otherwise he may just focus on that and ignore the rest of the note.

Of course be very careful but hopefully the end result of this will be not only that he doens't bother you anymore but that you once again feel comfortable and safe in your own building. If he is just a flaky guy then this should work out, it may take a visit from the police or something. But until you know that for sure just be careful and stay safe.

Do you have a can of pepper spray or something just in case?

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--http://www.idexter.com

Documenting your warning is necessary. However it will NOT keep you safe. Telling the police, paying/filing for a restraining order will NOT keep you safe, and may antagonize him to be more aggressive and cunning.

Didn't say that to scare you more. "These people" have to live somewhere, and rarely do they change to fit into society.

Someone else nearby needs to know you're afraid. Tell others, take a digital photo of the guy, or his car and tag #... give police your cell #, make sure you have a schedule and become habitual about calling there if you are late... and carry your cell phone ON> they can track us, our last position and better chances of finding us if someone like this decides to cut out link with society.

IMHO calling the local Women in Distress or even a national hotline is also necessary, as another suggested. They know what you should do, and will give you the support that will help you be safe. Remember, our "gut" instincts are rarely wrong.

Please post often and let us know how you are doing!

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

I am keeping any records that I can--just in case. I haven't gone to the police yet, but am still considering it. I have wondered if he might take revenge if I do. From what he has told me, he does have an aggressive history. Of course, even though he hasn't been physically violent with me, he HAS touched my breasts and tried to take off my underwear--I put an end to the undressing quickly! (I was wearing a dress that day, so unfortunetly he had easy access.) Even after I said "no", he again shortly after tried to put his hand on my underwear. In one of his notes he admits that he was only after "self gratification". Sounds like an admission of guilt to me. I have started to carry a mini tape recorder in case I might have a run-in in the hall with him, or I will turn it on if he yells more than a simple "hello" through the door--like his yelling and pounding in the middle of the night the other day. I also bought new batteries for my camera, which I wanted to do anyway. My cell phone is always on so that's easy. I've started to leave the house if I want to make a call because I don't like the idea of him possibly eavesdropping.

Thanks, Sky.

I'm pretty sure that legally he was still wrong with what he did. I did not give consent in any form. He knew and could tell--verbally saying so--that I was trying to "protect myself", but he just laughed about it and continued. He hasn't threatened me, but what he did tell me would be an aggressive and possibly abusive history.

Good idea about mailing it and getting a receipt/delivery confirmation!

What he did besides everything else, was that he touched and fondled my breasts and tried to take off my underwear. I was wearing a dress that day with the weather so nice, so he unfortunetly had easy access. Even after I told him 'no' and pulled my underwear the rest of the way back on, he shortly thereafter again tried to put his hand there. He could tellbefore that that I was trying to 'protect' myself, but he laughed and continued. He had acknowledged that fact verbally.

ink

i hadn't realized he had crossed the line so badly... i thought he was just annoying you, following you, speaking inappropriately... if he is actually touching you, i think you should take definate action right away.

if you are worried that going to the police may make him angry, maybe you can talk to the police and see what they think about that. if they think it is a possiblity, he doesn't necessarily have to know that you have talked to the police about him. maybe they will say not to say anything to him but give you advice on what your next step should be.

make it clear everytime you see him that you don't want him even hanging around. let him know you are serious... you don't just want him to pull back, you want him to STOP.

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--http://www.idexter.com

I am considering talking to the police and getting their opinoin of how to handle everything. I may still, probably eventually will.

You can charge him with assualt if he did that to you.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

Yes, this is assault. Even if you agreed silently at first, once you changed your mind, he has to stop.

INKY what is preventing you from acting in your best interest?????

Do you feel so worthless, so guilty, so deserving of this treatment that you cannot advocate for yourself?

You must contact some help to give you the support you need in this, even if it isn't the police!!!

Please, take the energy of the good ppl here, including DOCJOHN who have encouraged you to take some necessary steps to staying safe,!


<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

Inkblot, Hun, you been sexually attacked! What's keeping you from calling the police on this idiot?? Don't wait any longer!

Have you bought yourself some maze? I'd carry it with me and so help me, if it was me, I'd spray him if he pounded on my door like he has yours!

Sweety, that man is <font color=red>DANGEROUS!!!</font color=red> Do something before he does!



<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Inkblot,

I think it's time for you to do something. This guy sounds quite weird to me.

You should act now. I can't figure why you've waited that long.

It's my opinion.

Sincerely,

Starbuck


Born in 1963 of French mom and Canadian dad. Studied a lot (Majors in History, Theology, M.A. in Sociology).

(((((((((((INKY)))))))))))))))

Just hugs sweetie. Maybe some soothing gentle pat pats on the back too. Everyone here cares SO much about you! Remember that!

We all have different ways of expressing how much we care. ;-)

You are sweet, kind, supportive, and brave.

Your pal always, Emmy!


"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- The Dalai Lama

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Inky}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Thinking about you and praying you are safe.





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

This thread is VERY concerning to me. I see that it has been a couple of days since Inkblot has posted.... hope that she is OK. Clearly this man has his own share of problems to deal with, but you don't have to make his problems yours (oh boy... that last sentence struck home... but that is whole other story.....).

You are in a no win situation. On the one hand you obviously can't encourage his actions. On the other hand you don't want to be too abrupt with him for fear that he will get angry and retaliate.

Unfortunately it seems as though things have progressed and he may be interpreting this as permission to proceed.

I think that it is best if you take action immediately. Reporting this to the police I think is a must. This comes with the understanding that the police can not protect you 24 hours a day, even with a restraining order. He may be so fearful of the police that he stops right awya. He could very well be charged for what he has done up to this point.

How well do you like where you are living? If you really hate the place now might be a good time to start looking for another apartment, one where the likelihood that he will follow you is remote.

I would also let as many people as possible know your situation. Family, friends, coworkrs (that you can trust) and neighbors (that you can trust).

Please be careful.