[Jellyfish18]

Actually, I am f'ing sick of being left alone. Yes I am over 18, does that mean being kicked out of the house like a dog to the street? (I moved because of bad relationships.) Nobody calls to ask if I even have a job, what are my plans, what am I going to do with my life. Nobody cares nor notices if I lie in bed IN FRONT of them in their own house all day and night (mother, that is). They take it like a joke. Last time I asked the hobo supposed to be a Dad if he can call daily, he called once to ask what I have been doing, I said "nothing" and what I will do, I said "nothing" and instead of caring, he just said "well then nothing, bye" (apparently "he had nothing to talk about"). I called back and said to him "if this is normal behaviour to you dream on but I don't want you to call anymore if you're going to act like this" and he said "fine, I won't call anymore".
Mother is very similar. I asked her if I broke a leg in front of her would she ask me "so what do you want me to do about that" (like she always asks when I try to tell her something painful, she doesn't even make an effort) or would she react out of empathy. Instead of getting what I want to say, she said yes, that's what she would say.

[*Laurie*]

It sounds like your family is mired in depression.

[Sunflower123]

It's a really good idea that you moved out. There are different kinds of 'families'. People that you meet in the course of your life can become closer then your family of origin. I would quit trying to hit a break wall with your head. Life is too short. We care about and support you here. Best wishes.

[Jellyfish18]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

It sounds like your family is mired in depression.

Do you really think they are depressed? Because they are not, they are just careless and emotionally unavailable.

[dermald]

Try walking in their shoes for a minute. Suppose that you called your dad, and wanted to know how he was doing, and wanted to talk to him because you care. However, every time you ask him a question, he comes back with a depressed "nothing," throwing at at you, as if it were a challenge.

Would you want to continue talking to him?
Would you care about him, when it is clear that HE doesn't care about himself?
Would you want to try to talk to him every day, knowing that "nothing" will be the answer?

I understand that you are depressed. But when you come back with "nothing," you're not telling them anything. You're giving them nothing to work with. They might be getting tired of trying. AND, you're definitely showing them that YOU don't care about you, so why should they care about you?

You can't expect a healthy relationship with them, when you cannot have a healthy relationship with yourself.

There is probably no such thing as a "normal" family. My dad was physically and emotionally abusive, probably because of something that happened to him. My mother was distant, not present, and bordering on neglectful. My brother and sister spun out of control, and they still haven't stopped. Quite frankly, I'm surprised they're both still alive.

My point in that is that a family is comprised of a set of people. If one person has a dysfunction, then there is no "normal" family.

And it doesn't always work out. For me, dad is dead, and my brother and sister have been written off by me, because they will NEVER be capable of a healthy relationship. Mom is trying to fix things, so we're working on it. It's really hard.

I had to write off my brother and sister. Not doing this would allow them access to destroy me. Do you want your family to write you off, too? It can happen.

Maybe if you can work on you, and show them that you care about you, and try harder with future discussions, then they will be willing to try and meet you half way.

They don't sound like good parents at all. Did they treat you this way when you were a child too? Especially the idea that a mother wouldn't care if her child got hurt, really disturbs me.

[Jellyfish18]

Originally Posted by iPhone

They don't sound like good parents at all. Did they treat you this way when you were a child too? Especially the idea that a mother wouldn't care if her child got hurt, really disturbs me.

I can't deal with this much longer.
I said to her about the trouble I am having where I live at the moment, with some other girls in a rented apartment. I have some trouble with relationships with one of them, or two. I have difficulty making a bond. Last time, I cleaned the house as it was my turn and one girl insists that it is not clean and is very unsatisfied. I was complained about, too. It was definitely clean. I said this to mother and told her I have difficulty asking her what is actually the matter. Her reply was to ask the girl next time I clean if it's "clean" and if I "left something out", and that "everything will be fine". Er NO, I TOLD her that it's not actually about the cleanliness. This is the kind of advice I get from her... And she KNOWS what is really happening but purposefully misses the point when talking to me. On PURPOSE. It is best to not waste time telling her these things but then who to talk to. It's just sad that one can't talk about their biggest problems with their own parent. People are having an issue living with me (it's happened before) and she doesn't even suggest anything.
I told her once that I am going to try asking the girl what is wrong, then asked her "but what if she doesn't tell me, or doesn't tell me the truth?" She said "she will tell you". I said "what if she does NOT?" After a bit more of this rubbish answer, she said "then nothing". Oh, thanks for helping out right? So it's fine to live with someone who hates you more and more and "nothing"?
I despise her.
I don't have to ask if this is normal. I know it's ****ing crazy that your parents ignore your problems. What I'd like to ask is, what can I do about this?

Originally Posted by dermald

And it doesn't always work out. For me, dad is dead, and my brother and sister have been written off by me, because they will NEVER be capable of a healthy relationship. Mom is trying to fix things, so we're working on it. It's really hard.

I had to write off my brother and sister. Not doing this would allow them access to destroy me. Do you want your family to write you off, too? It can happen.

Maybe if you can work on you, and show them that you care about you, and try harder with future discussions, then they will be willing to try and meet you half way.

Let's look at this deeper, shall we? If the OP is suffering from depression and can't talk to his/her parents, yet seeks a relationship with them, then there is a high probability that the OP's parents were abusive or at the bare minimum, neglectful.

If I'm right, and chances are that I am, than these parents should take responsibility for screwing up and try to make amends. If they don't, than the OP shouldn't waste his/her time with them and instead, focus on finding people that actually care.

I speak from experience. I can't tell how many times that my mother, who was responsible for most of the abuse and neglect that I suffered as a child, tried to get close to me and form a relationship with me when I was an adult and I wouldn't allow her to get into my head at all and she would complain about me "having my wall up".

Who's fault is that? Certainly not mine

Just my 2c as somebody who has had a similar experience.

[Jellyfish18]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

Let's look at this deeper, shall we? If the OP is suffering from depression and can't talk to his/her parents, yet seeks a relationship with them, then there is a high probability that the OP's parents were abusive or at the bare minimum, neglectful.

If I'm right, and chances are that I am, than these parents should take responsibility for screwing up and try to make amends. If they don't, than the OP shouldn't waste his/her time with them and instead, focus on finding people that actually care.

I speak from experience. I can't tell how many times that my mother, who was responsible for most of the abuse and neglect that I suffered as a child, tried to get close to me and form a relationship with me when I was an adult and I wouldn't allow her to get into my head at all and she would complain about me "having my wall up".

Who's fault is that? Certainly not mine

Just my 2c as somebody who has had a similar experience.

I am not depressed but I am in trouble. Thanks for your thoughts.
Parents do play a role to a degree. In this case, I am not to blame. This **** hangs up when I am MOST in pain and need help, and purposefully acts like an emotional idiot (like the message is not clear, e.g. asking "why are you shouting" as if she has NO CLUE when I am clearly upset) and like she doesn't "understand". She does, she just acts like she has no idea "what I am talking about". I have met strangers who hated me at first sight, and the degree of disdain they have for me would be less or same. Have you EVER met someone who first you explained your most painful problems to that they KEEP ignoring, and started shouting when they exhibited no empathic advice, and then they ask you in a f'ing calm voice (again trying to ignore the fact you are upset at this point) "why are you shouting?" It's basically trying to DAMAGE and isolate you by their ignorant behaviour, to me. Or let me ask you, would you talk to a retarded person with an IQ of 10 and expect them to give you advice? Except this is a very intelligent person you are talking to, who IGNORES YOUR EMOTIONS and EXPERIENCE. How would you feel knowing that?
Let's say after all this, you hang up the phone. Next time, after DAYS (AVOIDING the matter) they might ring again and go from the very beginning like nothing happened at all. How would you feel? How would it feel knowing all serious and valid problems you have are ignored and taken just like "oh, she'll deal with it" or "oh ... ok. Nothing I can or will do about that. Let's just wait until it goes away."
Please tell me, WHAT would you do in my situation? It is hard for me to even live as I have few people to turn to who care.

[MickeyCheeky]

What was the relationship with your parents before (when you were a child)? I'm sorry you're alone right now

Originally Posted by Jellyfish18

I am not depressed but I am in trouble. Thanks for your thoughts.
Parents do play a role to a degree. In this case, I am not to blame. This **** hangs up when I am MOST in pain and need help, and purposefully acts like an emotional idiot (like the message is not clear, e.g. asking "why are you shouting" as if she has NO CLUE when I am clearly upset) and like she doesn't "understand". She does, she just acts like she has no idea "what I am talking about". I have met strangers who hated me at first sight, and the degree of disdain they have for me would be less or same. Have you EVER met someone who first you explained your most painful problems to that they KEEP ignoring, and started shouting when they exhibited no empathic advice, and then they ask you in a f'ing calm voice (again trying to ignore the fact you are upset at this point) "why are you shouting?" It's basically trying to DAMAGE and isolate you by their ignorant behaviour, to me. Or let me ask you, would you talk to a retarded person with an IQ of 10 and expect them to give you advice? Except this is a very intelligent person you are talking to, who IGNORES YOUR EMOTIONS and EXPERIENCE. How would you feel knowing that?
Let's say after all this, you hang up the phone. Next time, after DAYS (AVOIDING the matter) they might ring again and go from the very beginning like nothing happened at all. How would you feel? How would it feel knowing all serious and valid problems you have are ignored and taken just like "oh, she'll deal with it" or "oh ... ok. Nothing I can or will do about that. Let's just wait until it goes away."
Please tell me, WHAT would you do in my situation? It is hard for me to even live as I have few people to turn to who care.

The only thing that I know how to advise you to do is to cut them out your life. I know it's hard but having them in your life is going to only cause more damage to you in the long run.

If you're worried about loneliness than it might be wise to try to make more friends. I know how hard this can be since I'm notorious for being a socially awkward introvert, however, there are ways for people like us to have some kind of social life.

If you have hobbies, you could try finding meetups with people who have similar interests. I am into things like video games, anime, and technology and other "geeky" things so if I'm trying to make friends, I only seek out friendships with people who are into similar things because other people generally don't understand me.

Finally, you could do something like go to college and meet people that way while improving yourself professionally and intellectually. I just started up at a community college earlier this month and doing so was honestly one of the smartest decisions that I've ever made. I get much needed social interaction while feeling like I'm actually doing something of value and not wasting my life anymore like I used to. Many colleges also have great resources such as free student therapists, job placement if you need help with that, student clubs, and a plethora of other benefits. If you're worried about cost, than you could get a FAFSA which would give you financial aid. If you start off at a community college than chances are you wouldn't need a loan and could use grant money to pay for it because of how cheap many community colleges are.

I'm sorry if I'm not more of a help to you. I'm 25 and about to turn 26, yet I have been having to figure out life on my own without help from parents, relatives, or friends because they all failed to help me and teach me how to live as an adult so I've wasted most of my young adult life trying to learn and grow all on my own.

I only hope that you don't have to deal with the B.S that I've had to contend with.

Also I would suggest you look up "Child Emotional Neglect" or "CEN" because it is highly probable that this is what you have had to deal with in your life. There are some amazing resources on PC if you head over to the "CEN" forums and check out the Psych Central blog.

There are also a number of amazing people on here that you could talk to and befriend in the meantime so that you don't feel completely alone. I know it's not the same as having somebody in real life to hang out with but it's better than having nobody.

As much as I hate to admit it, I would probably be lost without PC. If it wasn't for some of these people on here, I would probably be either dead, in prison, or in a psyche ward right now. When I first came here, I was completely lost in the darkness. Up until maybe a few months ago, life was an outright struggle for me. It took some of the advice and help I have received here for me to pull through.

[Jellyfish18]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

Also I would suggest you look up "Child Emotional Neglect" or "CEN" because it is highly probable that this is what you have had to deal with in your life. There are some amazing resources on PC if you head over to the "CEN" forums and check out the Psych Central blog.

There are also a number of amazing people on here that you could talk to and befriend in the meantime so that you don't feel completely alone. I know it's not the same as having somebody in real life to hang out with but it's better than having nobody.

As much as I hate to admit it, I would probably be lost without PC. If it wasn't for some of these people on here, I would probably be either dead, in prison, or in a psyche ward right now. When I first came here, I was completely lost in the darkness. Up until maybe a few months ago, life was an outright struggle for me. It took some of the advice and help I have received here for me to pull through.

Thanks for telling me, Darkness. Do you want to hear a shocker now?
You know I thought I could have an honest chat with that bastard (male, refer to first post) but actually, oh. my. God. He called to ask what I am doing. Then I tried to expand the conversation. Right, get this. We talked about how we argue with mother (he said "yeah I am really "interested" why you two argue all the time"), that I have no friends (he said "yeah you have no friends, what can I do about that? All I can do is introduce you."), said I don't "listen" to him (wait for it, I see this hobo less than once a year sometimes), said I am "lonely" and he can't help me at all, said "you do nothing and you aren't working anywhere"(which has been the case for the LAST MONTH),
said "I will ask grandma (his Mum) if she "would allow" you to stay at hers because of how you "behaved" there last time", and I was also explaining at some point how I felt about my cousins (that they may or may not be rejecting me - to which he said "yeah exactly" to which I said "what do you mean?" - him: "you might be right" - me: "can you explain?" - to which he says he IS IN A HOUSE FULL OF SAID COUSINS AS WE SPEAK. This is private thoughts just 'splayed out for all. Would you cry or laugh in disbelief? Did he really think that I, an international student, could be shamed because of what he speaks about me in front of people who I actually care about (he knows that)? They for sure are entitled to their opinion. But the funniest thing is, this little b**ch hardly ever works and earns very little, and at nearly 60 does not even have his own home. At one point, he called mother "sick" as a "joke". And the funniest, when I see him he pretends to be "so affectionate" toward me, like "he really cares about "this poor, shamed, lonely kid"". Wait for it, I was a decent straight A student. Can you IMAGINE?
People have said "he is not what he pretends to be, he is not this slick guy". Now I see he is the lowest of hobos, this behaviour is something you would expect from some criminal.
Wait for it. Mother says "it's your fault because you "shouted". Oh yeah, she is slightly reclusive, and emotionally ignores everything AS WELL AS all achievements. Again I ask, how normal is this family?
You know, I don't care about others' choices.
But I don't want to be lonely nor bereft, I have so much to give and have trouble sometimes because there is NO SUPPORT.
How normal is this family?