College

I just moved into college a week ago. I thought it was a chance for me to start over and feel happier.
While moving in, I felt very. Indifferent. Even when I said goodbye to my parents and they drove away, I felt indifferent. My roommate is nice, but doesn't really speak much so it's awkward. I tend to avoid going to the dorm much. Either avoiding her, or because I spent my whole life isolated in my house and wanted to try something new?
I met some new people while going out and stuff.. they're nice. However, I still feel like I'm an annoyance to them. I thought that part of me would change but I guess it's hard. I think my main concern is friends since I've never had any my whole life, and wanna change that, but maybe my personality is too weird and awkward. I hate it. I wish I could reach out more, but letting people in scares me.
I still get the stress of not knowing what I want to do. I know it's exaggerant, but it makes me feel like I don't have a life purpose... I'm talentless.
Overall, I've done a lot more in the past week than I ever have in months living in this house (I'm home for the weekend). I didn't miss home at all. I can't say I'm happier because my emotions are still dulled, and I still feel.. left out in life, ya know? Hope that makes sense. But yeah. This was just a life update.

Update:
Someone wrote "Its been years since i really enjoyed..well anything. I can sit down and like doing something, tv, books, chores, walking the dog, or just going for a run. I am capable of getting up and doing it all. I do what needs to be done. I like everything yet I like nothing. I feel indifferent about everything i do. To include work and everyday chores. I find myself crying over everything. I feel stupid for not knowing why i constantly feel ‘not normal”. Lately i feel like i am making it all up in my head. Its like i so desperately want some one to give me an answer for everything that I am making it all up." That there is really nothing wrong with me and everyone feels like this." This is exactly how I feel daily. I couldn't say it better.

Hi, tumblr. Colleges do have counseling services, so I suggest you check them out. While we take ourselves and our issues wherever we go, we can change and make adjustments. My college days were the best!

I know what it's like to have dulled emotions. But with therapy, I think I am pretty normal now. (Well, except for being bipolar .)

You have a chance to try out different classes to see what you like. I found that helpful. You can grow. Just push yourself to get out and spread your wings. You might actually find a niche. I enjoyed the different clubs and organizations.

Meanwhile, we are here to help and support. (I was a college professor for many years, so I might be able to help with anything along that line, too.)

It sounds like you have low self esteem and social anxiety and depression maybe? How does that sound to you? Take that with a grain of salt because really, we cannot diagnose you here at PC and I am not a professional. You are feeling numb but being able to do things... I think going away to college is a big adjustment for anybody. It sounds like it is for you. For some people, they leave home, go to college and thrive. For other people, it is harder to adjust. It was for me.

Why do you feel like an annoyance to the people you hung out with? I do want to say, if you have been isolated for a while, with no friends, and feel bad about yourself, it might take some time to figure out who you want to hang out with, and who makes you feel good (who you can call a true friend). If you make a mistake in that department, it's ok. Keep trying. Mistakes mean you are learning and trying.

Is there a counseling office at your college you can go to? Counseling is confidential. Also was wondering if you are taking medication. Medication can be needed sometimes, but while on it, it can numb your feelings so I was just wondering if you were already taking something.

I also wanted to say, it's ok to not know what you want to do with your life. You are young. I have always thought it strange that colleges push for that kind of thing so early in a person. TravelingLady is right, you can explore your interests.

I hope you keep posting Tumblr.

Travelinglady and starrysky have excellent points. Sending big hugs.

I guess it's just that I have trouble interacting with others and I guess my isolation does play a role in that. I tend go too far with things, I start hating myself for upsetting them, then I push them away without noticing. This always happens. It's like I can't catch on to how people make and keep friends. No matter how hard I try, I could never understand. So it feels difficult.
I could constantly tell myself and others that it's okay to make mistakes in life, because I know it's a part of growing and stuff, but every time I make even the smallest mistake, my brain overexaggerates it (?), I start crying and cursing at myself, start literally thinking of suicide, then I'm back to the forums. Sigh. I'm kinda over it. It's been that cycle for a year or so now.

There are counseling services, I've just always been scared of seeking help and wanted to figure it out myself since I guess I'm ignorant and hard-headed lol.

I'm just going to throw in my 2 cents here. You may feel very alone and different, but I'm guessing that in every class you attend, in your dorm, every where you go, there are a few other people who feel the same (or similar). You are not alone.

I've been there. I've always felt I could handle it myself, figure it out, but over time I gave up on it. I now, in my 50's, am in therapy. I wish I had done it when I was much younger.

Reach out to the counseling service on the campus, that's what they are there for. Play with some different things to do unrelated to class work. Explore, maybe slowly at first, but do explore. And give yourself some time to adjust too. Most importantly, don't worry about what you want to do right now. Concentrate on your gen ed requirements. In time it will come to you.

Best of luck and hang in there.

This is a very telling statement. I know some people would rather get lost than ask for directions ! You , in MHO should be running to the counselors office.
Not wanting to ask for help, wanting to figure out everything yourself just will make life much more difficult.
You also said somewhere something about feeling like you wanted to die.
Now I would guess that most people at some time in their lives felt that way.
But I think putting that feeling, together with everything else making you feel uncomfortable, is something that should be addressed in counseling.
You don't even have to start out that way , just find somebody , who you feel comfortable talking to. Push yourself out there ! Say hi to a stranger. You'd be surprised to find how many people feel like you. And BTW , I'm in my 60's and still don't know what I want to do with my life !
Best of luck to you and keep posting

Adjusting to new circumstances is not easy for everyone. Don't beat yourself up for feeling strange or numb. I'm stubborn and hard headed. I just wish I hadn't waited until I was a basket case to get help. Talking to a counselor is not a sign of weakness. If you broke your arm would you try to fix it yourself ? good luck to you and we're here to listen.