[Tracy21]

Being "depressed" has become part of my identity... but i'm not actually depressed? Maybe i was at one point ... but over time have gotten better. Only problem is, I don't want to be "better" ... I feel "safe" feeling depressed.

I SI so i can confirm that there is something "wrong" with me. I make myself upset so that i can justify my thoughts of being depressed. I constantly want a T (or see a T) so that i can rationalize me being "depressed."

But what if I'm not? What if I'm just playing a huge game with myself? What could i possibly gain from making myself upset? What kind of person does that make me

A phony, a liar, a cheater in my own life?

I value the relationships in my life, but i continuously do things that push people away. I scare people with my SI. I probably make them feel like it's their fault, and they back off. But i don't want their pity. I want their love. And i'm getting the exact opposite.
By doing this, i'm only further isolating myself ... although, thats kind of the irony of a self-fulfilling prophesy isn't it? I act upset, I do things that make me feel upset, therefore I am upset.

Please, can someone tell me what is wrong with me? What on earth can i do to try and stop this? ... Can you help me want to stop this? I don't know how else to live ... I don't know how to be happy, because in some twisted way this makes me happy - but happy in the sense, that i can continue to live up to this expectation of mine ... being miserable.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense. And also if this is the wrong spot to be posting this.

Any answers would really help me out though.
Thanks, and I'm sorry if I've offended anyone ....

Tracy

[nowheretorun]

you describe a tightening cycle... time to get out of its spin..

step away from it all, sit down on a chair, and shake it off for even one minute.. then practice doing that more often for longer time periods... just shaking it all off...

seeing a therapist or psydoc?

you've seen good, and not so good in your experiences? which of those give you pleasant and energizing charge?

surround yourself with more of that...

[jacq10]

((((((((((Tracy)))))))))
I'm not sure what to tell you .... can you talk about any of this with your T? Are you seeing a T now?

[KathyM]

((Tracy))

I live a miserable life in a miserable body in a miserable home, and it's only going to get worse for me. I'm homebound with an incurable and terminal disease, and I'm going blind. I spend virtually all of my time alone in a dark room. What gets me through the day are my memories.

I can think back to the good times, close my eyes and feel "good" again.

I can think back on times when I faced my challenges in life and won clean.

I can think back on times when I've lost my challenges, but I can reflect on what I learned from that experience.

I can think back on what I've lost out on in life, but I know now I didn't need it.

I can think back on the people I've lost over the years, but I'm grateful to have known them..

All of this helps to relieve my pain and pressure. It takes me away from this miserable life, if only for a short while.

Maybe the next time you feel compelled to SI, you can try to find the courage to give yourself a good, clean victorious memory. You may need it one day.

[blah__x]

((( tracey )))

i can understand the feeling of "safety" with depression, at one point (im ovecoming it now) i didnt WANT to be better. i didnt know how to be. im 15 now, i was dx with clinical depression when i was 10, felt this way since i was 7. even before then i remember being i quiet kid that everyone liked to pick on. so its no coincidence.. anyway the only reason i'm saying this is because for myself, i'm so used to feeling this way, change really freaked me out. i didnt want it.

so it might take a little longer than you'd like to pull out of that cycle, especially if youve been like this for a while, but it's possible.

best bring it up with your T if you have one.

[Tracy21]

I wish i could just shake it off .... but it's like it's in my blood or something, no matter how hard i try, i can't get rid of it.

And I don't have a T right now ... i was thinking about getting one, but that would only reinforce my whole messed up cycle would it not? If i got a T, it would only be "proving" to myself that I need one .. right?

I feel like I'm damned if i do, and I'm damned if i don't.

[nowheretorun]

there's many ways to break a cycle... try things you've never done before... healthy things...

[Perna]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Tracy21 said:
But what if I'm not? What if I'm just playing a huge game with myself? What could i possibly gain from making myself upset? What kind of person does that make me

A phony, a liar, a cheater in my own life?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Okay, I don't think calling yourself "a phony, a liar, a cheater" is a "gain" :-) So, obviously that's not it.

We are like the icebergs; not all of us is under conscious control of our devious little minds (thank goodness :-) so there are other things going on in your and my lives than what we can quite "see" and understand.

So, if you're not depressed but just playing a game, I'd have to say you are a heck of an actor? That's a good thing. I lived in a fantasy world of my own making for a long time and have a heck of an imagination and am very creative and good at thinking up new ideas :-)

One thing I use to keep forgetting is that I'm all one person, all of a piece, working together. I'm not anxious over here, depressed over there, only the way this friend sees me or that friend or relative. . . I have depth and am very complex. I suspect you are the same. You can be playing a game and be depressed at the same time. It's like whether you consider yourself wearing a coat as you're struggling out of it? Playing games is a means of struggle. It's a way to practice experiencing different ways of being, to "try on" different coats. Like this post and it's "what if" scenario, it's all helpful and all part of us and our "work" together.

[splitimage]

I can relate to the not wanting to be depressed, but not wanting to be well either. I've struggled with depression most of my life, and it's familiar. It's not happy or comfortable, but it's familiar. Any change, even if it's for the best is hard and scary - but you can take it in little bits. You say you scare people away - that's isolating, can you maybe try to change that a little bit. Letting people into my life was really hard at first, but it's what saved my life. you say you don''t have a T. If you can afford one, or have the insurance, I'd encourage it. They can help you make the changes, a little bit at a time, that will get you unstuck.

Take care, and stay strong.

---splitimage

[KathyM]

Tracy

Since this has backed you into a corner, maybe you're afraid to walk through life without crutches (helpers, excuses, etc.). It can be really scary to walk on your own two feet, especially when you keep bumping into things and falling.

Toddlers seem to have the key because it doesn't seem to bother them. Those rascals just pick themselves up and keep on trying. Then again, those cushy diapers they wear might have something to do with it.

Maybe you can try to take your first step on your own. Who knows, maybe you'll reach the cookie jar! If it's too scary, maybe you can put on a diaper first.

Just tossing out a suggestion here.....hope it's not too stinky.

[Tracy21]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Perna said:
So, if you're not depressed but just playing a game, I'd have to say you are a heck of an actor?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Does that mean that i'm actually depressed because it's hard to act like it if you're not? Or do you mean I just have a big imagination ...? But if thats the case, i'm not sure how that's really helping me....

I like the whole "toddler" spin on things ... maybe I should get a T so i can have something (or in this case, someone) to help pick me up after i fall ...

Thank you to everyone who answered me ... i appreciate that you took the time.

Tracy