[MtnTime2896]

I asked so much. Tried so much. Help can't come because I'm too far gone to allow it. For a long time I've blamed myself as the sole reason people aren't around like they said they would. Had to be me, had to be me, I just kept repeating it over and over again. Then, later, I'm told by a voice that I can't help that I'm ill but not to expect people to stick around because my illness is like a contagious cancer.

Psychosis is a daily experience on various levels. Mood fluctuations are what I perceive as normal. Intrusive thoughts and impulses amp up anxiety pretty regularly. And flashbacks have been bad since September, which makes perfect sense to me. The weather alone can trigger them.

Possible trigger:

Suicidal thoughts have become a routine problem again. Along with an urge to do a bunch of benzos or something.

All of this is my fault for not getting the help I need, right? Fine, okay. I'm in the process of switching therapists, but I'm so tired of trying that I haven't called back. I had a breakdown instead of making it to a psychiatrist appointment and now - due to policy - I'm not allowed to have another until January or later. I almost want to just find a new psychiatrist in that time span, but is that really the right move? How will that look to the next doc? "This one isn't very compliant, so what they say means very little."

I feel so damn alone, on top of everything. I feel like my chest is too tight to speak and my mouth can't quite form words anymore anyway. Everyone's so wrapped up in their own ****, and I will never blame them for that, but that still leaves me with the same situation. Alone and no one who can/will ****ing listen. So, it isn't entirely my fault I'm alone, but it takes two. At least that's what I was always told.

I just want to lose my ****, at this point. I'm so tired of holding what little I am together. I want to quit.

[Calla lily12]

No....please don't blame yourself. Having all those things happening is the problem. It's not your fault. You can be glad that you've hung in and are writing here and waiting to get a new T. Many here are in a similar place in regard to sui*** feelings and thoughts. Please try to give yourself credit for what you have done.

[*Beth*]

Hey So leigheas, When I read your post I hear major depression speaking.


I think it might just be a good idea to connect with a new pdoc asap. I truly don't believe that your so-called "non-compliance" will be a focus of the new pdoc. That you had a breakdown will be the focus.

I know all about the suicide or benzo urge. Miserable place to be.

Do you think you can consider the idea of finding another psychiatrist? I know how terribly hard it is to keep trying to connect when you are feeling like the last thing you want to do is something extra. But January really is too long to wait.

[MickeyCheeky]

Be kind to yourself, @Só leigheas, my Friend! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY for what you're going through! I TRULY, REALLY AM! Definitely follow @Calla lily12 and @BethRags's Advice. Plese be kind to yourself! You're doing ALL YOU CAN AFTER ALL! Please definitely keep looking for a new Pdoc and a new Psychiatrist and Therapist if you feel like that may help you! YOU DESERVE HELP AND YOU DESERVE AND NEED TO GET BETTER AND TO LIVE A NORMAL LIFE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES, OK? Please be kind to yourself and give yourself some time to elaborate ALL of this and to Grieve your Losses. KEEP FIGHTING, MY AWESOME, DEAR, SWEET AND WONDERFUL FRIEND! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME as usual when you need someone to talk to or vent to or even some Advice and Support! I am SURE plenty of others will be REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY GLAD AND HAPPY TO HELP YOU OUT AS WELL! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Só leigheas, my Friend, your Family, your Friends, Your Psychiatrists, Your Doctors, Your Nurses, Your Pdocs, Your Therapists and ALL of your Loved Ones! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?

[TunedOut]

Sadly but also, not sadly, my therapist once said that sometimes the only thing that helps us change is hitting rock bottom. I know you have been at or near rock bottom a lot since we met but I do think you are trying and sometimes it takes more than one try to improve. And perhaps, some of us have to accept that some of our issues will always be with us.

It is NOT your fault. So much of it all started when you were just a kid! You have to figure out a way to cope including improving your depression. You are going to have to keep looking for a Pdoc that listens and considers your requests. I think you are smart enough to make improvements. You said you have some good days. Try to hold on for some better days.

[stewartmays1]

i know how you feel so psycosis is no joke im not the same person i once was even tho thier is no cure for it i think things can get better even tho its hard to see it most of the time try and find things that make you happy and do them often sorry i cant help you more

[luvyrself]

Reach out to a new pdoc right now. You are in crisis and they are not treating you right. Can someone help you make the calls?
W’re with you. Hugs.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Warm, kind arms around you, dear So

[Fuzzybear]

Warm hugs to you dear friend

[LilyMop]

I’m so very sorry you are having such a hard time. My heart hurts for you as I read this. I hope you can find a new pdoc and I know you can keep hanging in there and you can keep getting better. Big hug to you.

[Blknblu]

[MtnTime2896]

I tried again over the weekend. I haven't seen a therapist in a bit, since trying to transfer to the new one (in the same building), and it's been a few weeks now, I think. Or, this week will make three unless I can magically get there at the time they set up (a time that I had written down as a no-go) on Thursday. Pdoc hasn't even been discussed as my gf made the appointment on her lunch at work for me. Another T appointment is scheduled for next Tuesday, which is another no-go time for me. As much as my gf made an effort to keep it where it'd work, just didn't happen. This place has become more and more inflexible, in every way, including the pdoc. Three month wait time...

You're right, I am in crisis. And a part of me, a big one, doesn't care to stop it. Like I deserve to be in this state. I'm trying so hard but I'm crumbling, it feels like it's come on quickly, but it didn't. My last T hadn't been helping for over 6 months and, unfortunately, was the one on call Friday. After that phone call I have felt so much worse. Anxiety, anger and depression set in hard. I was calling the on-call because the same day I had been to the ER - for my stomach that is still hurting bad enough to keep me in bed - where the staff sent me into a severe flashback and panic attacks. Not like they knew they were triggering me, but it was enough to get me to leave the hospital without much help. Then Saturday, at the request of my gf, I called the counseling office again to try and set up an appointment with the new T. They're open on Saturdays so I really thought it wouldn't be a big deal, apparently they don't make appointments on weekends.

I laughed hysterically after all of this, the whole time bedridden from my stomach. Now they've given me appointment times that don't work but if I don't make them work, all of this is my fault. I'm starting to think that IP would be a better option for treatment, but I doubt they'd admit me. I'm not suicidal or homicidal, by definition. I got the sui ideation, but I can be honest in saying I have no intent. I want help not death (for any member here who's known me a while, they probably see that's new and an improvement).

I'm wanting the help and wanting to get better, even making efforts that seems fruitless to do so, and the professionals I'd relied on... it feels like they left me in the **** because I advocated for myself. Advocated that I wanted a different AP than the one given because the one he gave has never truly helped (and it makes me have uncontrollable muscle movements). I advocated that I needed different therapy since I had been getting worse at a scary rate. I advocated and then got ****ing ditched, that's how it feels at least.

I just want to get better so I can work again. So that my gf doesn't have to stress so much. I want to get better so I'm not so ****ed up constantly. I'm confused daily, scared by the minute and on edge 100% of the time.

I'm hanging on by my fingertips.

[MtnTime2896]

"There's no way out as far as I see. I'm going through hell, can you find me?"

[MtnTime2896]

"When I fall asleep sometimes, I'm scared I'll never wake up. When I fall asleep sometimes, I pray I never wake up."

[bpcyclist]

Well. as I mentioned briefly in your other thread, I am certainly no expert on your situation. But if you really feel your treatment team is not listening to you and not helping you, it seems to me you might need a new treatment team. I have been in a somewhat related situation generally before and I switched psychiatrists. It worked. The new psychiatrist has really helped me. New meds. A new approach. And he really listens. Maybe you should consider trying to make that happen for yourself. Take some proactive action. It might help you not feel quite so helpless. To me, the solution to helplessness is almost always action.

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I'm wanting the help and wanting to get better, even making efforts that seems fruitless to do so, and the professionals I'd relied on... it feels like they left me in the **** because I advocated for myself. Advocated that I wanted a different AP than the one given because the one he gave has never truly helped (and it makes me have uncontrollable muscle movements). I advocated that I needed different therapy since I had been getting worse at a scary rate. I advocated and then got ****ing ditched, that's how it feels at least.

I just want to get better so I can work again. So that my gf doesn't have to stress so much. I want to get better so I'm not so ****ed up constantly. I'm confused daily, scared by the minute and on edge 100% of the time.

I'm hanging on by my fingertips.

I am sorry you are bedridden, depressed, anxious and scared. but am so happy you are advocating for yourself. I am so happy you want to get better. I will hope and pray that you find someone who gives you the help you need. Who are these people who aren't listening and responding? Thank goodness for your gf. Hang in there Só leigheas.

[*Beth*]

That you are posting here is a huge step toward a better place. For that, for reaching out, you get an A+ and ten gold stars.

[TunedOut]

I see my PDoc via telepsychiatry. She sends me a link which I use when it is time to talk to her. I also order my refills online and they are mailed to me. Since I think you might be from an area where your options are limited (many communities do not have enough good PDocs), I wonder if this might be an option for you. My PDoc said if she won the lottery, she would start a good, comprehensive community health center (where the PDoc works with T's and social workers as a team). According to her, only a few cities in the USA have good ones. It makes me mad that you are not getting the help you need. Thinking of you and hoping you find the help you need somehow.