SORRY TO DISAPPOINT ALL- I AM NOT GOING

Hey everyone-itsjustme. I am so sorry; especially those who have been supporting me and encouraging me. My doctors office phoned and they could not get me in soon enough to my own psychiatrist. They want me to see someone else. I am not comfortable with this. It took me months to go in and be honest with my family doc that I trust and adore. How can I go to someone else and spill my guts? I have major issues with opening up. I can't be placed in the hospital right now; I have my kids until the 15th. If I phone my ex and tell him I need to bring them back early; I am scre----d. I cant let him have this control. Man; I am so frustrated. I made a big mistake by telling my doc what I did today. I am just going to go see him and tell him I am okay; I will take the pills home that he wanted to give me; but I will never go on them. I went into a mania from others before and I am not willing to go through that again. And sleeping pills- get real - I have a seven year old son whom is ADHD and epileptic; thats what he needs; a mom that cant get out of bed. I just want to yell, scream, swear; just get mad; more at myself because I am so stupid. Why am I letting this bull take over me. I used to be so strong. What is wrong with me??? I will deal with this on my own; my way.
Thanks for everything but things are the way they are; I just have to accept that.
My fears take control;
My soul has left;
My blood has drained;
My emptiness is real.

I just need to get it together; thats what my parents always say; I guess I should have listened years ago.

See you; Elizabeth.

It's okay to feel this way. Change is scarey; is that how you feel? Things are the way they are, and you can accept that...for now. But you must believe in yourself! You really did a great thing talking and being more open with your T today--don't think it was a bad thing. That is something very, very, very hard to do! I am proud that you did that!!! That really is a major accomplishment--think about it. You said yourself it wasn't an easy thing to do, but... Hey, You did it! Congratulations on that!

_____itsjustme_____


THANK YOU!!!!!!!!

Your welcome! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{itsjustme}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Sending you positive energy, Elizabeth.

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

aw (((HUGS)))) I do hope this is the right decision and that you really are okay... and I certainly hope you are not inadvertantly putting your children at risk...with the hopes of keeping their future lives happier...

Well? I sure wish you would reconsider starting that medicine. That you took the medicine home and do not plan to take it means you have lied to your doctor, which you just found confidence in, is that right?

Ok... well try and hold it together... and come back and post often and tell us how you are ok?

I did not take the meds from him yet. I dont want to lie. I am not a dishonest person; or I try not to be. I hate to lie, its wrong. Its just an idea I had so he would think I am okay. I can't go in the hosptial right now, this is what I am fighting. I need help; but.........
I am battling this in my head and can't make sense of it.
I am fighting these people that want to help.
I am so afraid of what is to come.
I am so afraid of my ex and what he is capable of.
But if I don't get help, its my own fault when I do loss my kids.
But I am going to loss them. Thats just fact. My depression, my unstability, my stupidity, my weakness did this. I am a failure and I know that; maybe thats the reason to my stuborn stupidity. I am not sure. Am I destroying myself on purpose?????????
Who knows? Not me because I don't even make sense to myself.
Thanks. itsjustme

Oh ok... ok you said you WILL take the pills home that he wants you to take... ok

can someone help you with the children for the next week...? I mean, even fully functioning healthy full time working adults have helping family or friends, neighbors from time to time...

Hi, I'm partlycloudy and kind of new here. You are not a failure in any sense! You're getting help, you're protective of your children, you are doing the right things.

I have a friend who is in a very difficult place because it's not only hard for her to ask for help, it's hard for her to open up and own up to her pain. So she is not getting the treatment she so desperately needs. It distresses me awfully... are you able to say that you need help but aren't able to be admitted right now?

I understand the threat you feel regarding your ex. You are not stupid or weak. An illness is just that, and unfortunately, mental illness is good at clouding over the better days ahead. Please, if you're able, continue with getting help, and insist on it being ON YOUR TERMS. If you're not able to be away from your children, tell them so. It's more important that they know what's going on.

Sorry if I'm too forward, but I hear a tone in your post that really resonates with me. Please take good care.

pc

"Plays well with others"

Hi again. (((Partly cloudy)))); you can say anything to me, it won't upset or offend me. I am happy that you wrote to me. I look forward to hearing from everyone; it gives new perspectives and ideas; and I feel better after reading. (((((Sky)))))); I honestly don't know anyone who could help with the kids. I have nobody close to me either than my boyfriend and we have major issues right now. He just made fun of me about a half of an hour ago about seeing a psychiatrist; I walked away in tears then phoned my family doc to tell him that I won't be going to this appointment tomorrow. Thank you for the support; as I feel part of this family too. Please don t get me wrong. I know you all are going through a great deal too and I hope I can help. I dont think I am going through anymore than anyone else. I know you did not mean it that way; I just wanted to say that.
itsjustme

>>But I am going to loss them. Thats just fact. My depression, my unstability, my stupidity, my weakness did this. I am a failure and I know that; maybe thats the reason to my stuborn stupidity.

I see seven adjectives in there and only one of them is true... you suffer from the illness of depression. All the other things are symptoms of the depression, in that the depression lies to you and makes you believe they are true. They are not. You are not stupid, you are not weak, you are not a failure. It is NOT a fact that you will lose your kids.

Please let the doctor help. Let him know how important it is that you don't go into the hospital right now, but that you also need to have your depression treated so that you can deal with your ex and the upcoming hearing. See what he has to offer.

Find out if there is a way to contact your pdoc... let them know this is an emergency and you would like to talk to him if you can. If that is not possible, give the temp guy a try. There is nothing to lose by seeing him, right? Worst case you don't feel comfortable with him, but even then he may offer some advice and may be able to help a little. By not going there is no chance of getting help...

Good luck, and we are all still here to listen. I know this is difficult.

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--http://www.idexter.com

Thanks again (((((Dexter)))))))). You always make so much sense. I did call my regular pdoc today. Cant get in until Sep. 10th. Not good. I am not sure what to do. I already told my doc that I am cancelling. I dont know if he did anything with it. I know I should talk to the temp. Its my fear thats getting in my way. I keep picturing this little white coat, makes me ill. I will keep talking, it brings much relief. catch u all later.
itsjustme

I would call the pdoc again and tell them that you're in a crisis and at least need a phone consult! Or just ask for the doctor to call - their office should honour your request.
Hugs to you. Take care.

pc

"Plays well with others"

I like what dexter said. We all care about you and want the best for you.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((just)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

That's a good idea--I'd try that.

Hi again. My doc just phoned; family doc. He spoke to my regular pDoc and he is so busy he is running off his feet. Unfortunetly he feels that I should go see this other doc just for today. If I was to be admitted; my regular pdoc will treat me while I am there. I dont know about this. Makes me nervous.

It should make you nervous. But that is something good!!! I'd be nervous, too. You are doing great and doing all the right things. Hang in there!

>>I keep picturing this little white coat,

Do you mean that literally or as a metaphor? If the sight of that coat triggers you maybe you could ask that he take it off before he talks to you? I don't think that would be an unreasonable request, especially for someone treating you for depression and anxiety.

I also like the idea of a phone consult... may remove a lot of the barriers for you, and over the phone maybe he can find a way to do at least something to help until your regular gets back...

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--http://www.idexter.com

Sorry, I meant the "white coat" means the one they put me in one and locked me up. The thought of that makes me ill.
My counselor that has been away just phoned. I was typing this when the phone rang. Thank God she is back. She is not just a counselor she is my friend. She has been here for me through all of this. I was able to tell her everything and cry my heart out and she was totally understanding. She wants me to go to the appointment and she will help tomorrow; she will phone my doctors and ask them to post-pone hospital until my kids are at dads. She said as long as I contract with her not to harm myself; she will speak with my doctors as she trusts what I tell her and I made a promise to be safe. I told her I will phone crisis I need be. I trust her wholeheartedly as she has been my "safe outlet" for 2yrs now. So I am going to the appointment. I will be back to tell u all how it went. Its not till 6:30 tonight because he is so busy.
Talk to u soon
itsjustme--scarred out of my mind. Just remind me; its okay.

Whew! It's okay. I think you will be okay now.