Why am I so self-destructive?

I don't want the typical "childhood trauma" answer.
If it is that, then why does my dad throwing a hatchet towards me and being sexually abused for years make me want to eat the house and then puke it all up? Why does it make me want to slice my own skin open? Why does it make me want to pop pills, drink, and shoot meth?
If it's not "childhood trauma" then what is it? Genetics? My dad is an addict. Tons of bipolar on that side of the family and a bit of anxiety on my mom's side (OCD and panic disorder). How can my dad's choices dictate my choices?
I don't understand the reasoning or the link. I feel like I need to understand to get better.

I gave you a "hug" because I care. I gave you a "thanks" because I appreciate you asking us. Your question is excellent and it is very, very important to me. I'm semi-rushing to a doctor appointment, but I'm taking your ? with me and going over it in my mind. I want to return to this thread with the absolute best answer I can give to you without being so lengthy that I give you a book to plow through.

I shall return....

I used to be very self destructive. My arms and legs are lined with scars. I also purged, no binging, just purging and denial of food. For me the answer was learning acceptance. The ability to sit with myself and be ok with that. Why was I so hateful towards myself, I don’t know. I had all kinds of patience and forgiveness for others but none for myself. Being in my skin was horrible and I was just driven to destroy myself. I don’t have a magic answer to what changed, it was gradual and I learned to sit in the moment with myself without judging myself. I had a lot of therapy and at some point it began to take hold. Sorry I have nothing concrete to offer.

Well... it's going to take someone on here who's a lot smarter than me to answer your questions. But I know I've had the same questions about myself. (I'll spare you the details.)

Actually, I don't believe there are any real answers. Just theories, any one of which may be as good... or bad... as any of the rest. (Take your pick.) And, in the end, I suppose it doesn't matter. All that matters is what are you / can you do from this point on to make things better... is there something you can do? I recall a brief conversation I once had with a therapist where I said: "I know what my options are. I just don't like any of them." And now I'm an old man. So none of it matters anymore anyway.

I like to read, or at least I used to like to read, articles on brain research that has been going on using fMRI technology. And one of the tidbits of information that has stuck with me is that much more of who we are, and what we do, is controlled by areas of the brain to which we have no conscious access than we would typically imagine. So, in my own case, I presume that, perhaps, there is material stored in non-conscious areas of my brain that has caused me to become the person I have been and continue to be. I don't know. But it's a concept that makes sense to me. That's about all I can say. Hopefully someone else will have a more insightful answer. Best wishes...

Great question. I ask that of myself too. I had good enough parenting but probably emotional neglect possibly emotional abuse when I was younger just because my parents were dealing with big stuff and couldn't be bothered with child stuff. So why in the name of all that is good do I hurt myself so much? I have no answer.

Maybe it's genetic. Maybe it is learned behavior. Maybe it is mal-adaptive coping mechanisms? Maybe it is inevitable. Like trial by fire. Or something. The trick is to get to the other side, unscathed. Interested in hearing others replies as well. Kit

I found my answer in the concept of the "negative introject". An introject is kinda like a turkey flavor injector, only psychological. Negative parenting infuses it into your very being. Like the bible says, "as the twig is bent..." The only way to change it is to change. But it doesnt feel right, does it? Thats why they call it "getting out of your comfort zone". Even if that zone is effed, it is comfortable.

Hi Boots. You remind me of what some Vietnam vets call a "lethal warrior." Guys - kids, really, teenagers - who fought in the jungles, slept in mud with monsoon rains pouring on them all night, fighting in a pointless war...wanna see a stellar movie, watch Platoon. So they went through living hell for at least 365 days, 24/7 of terrifying abuse, and all they wanted to do was come home. Just come home.

So those vets (if they survived) came home and a huge percentage of them, the first thing they did was become substance abusers. Pills and heroin. And you would think that the last thing they would want in their lives would be more violence. They had left war behind, right? But no. Most vets became extremely violent, major anger management issues that led to employment problems (if they could find a job at all, because they were strung out), because they'd go crazy on people at work and get fired and, of course, serious relationship issues because they'd become violent.

Gambling, reckless driving, you name it. Passive suicide and active suicide.

I also grew up in a home in which I was abused. I've dealt with the effects of it in some ways that are different than your ways, but there is no way around it. It is what it is.

When children, teens, young adults are exposed to trauma it attaches itself to us. I'll be 60 in a couple of weeks, I've been in therapy for 1,000 years and I have flashbacks just, it's ridiculous. I guess some of us are more predisposed to the effects of trauma than some others of us are. Maybe it's reincarnation.

I hope she won't be offended, but I'd sure like to get someone's input on this thread, if she's into giving it... @Blue_Bird.

So. Lethal Warrior. I just tell myself to keep focusing on the Warrior part. You, too

It might help to seek help from a psychologist. xo

Thanks for all the responses guys. I appreciate it. I wish I had the focus to respond to each of you individually, but unfortunately right now I don't, but know I appreciate the thoughtful responses.

Setting aside the psychology explanations for it, I think it's all written into nature actually, everything is nature including your father obviously, including other people, the mind etc, and that the 'negative energy' let's say, put onto in this instance, you, produces more negative energy - hence the self negativities, let's say. And the same is true for the positive energy. In this model we might all be putting negative and positive energy out there. I believe it actually is the case. That's the way I look at it. I have my own 'self negativities' too, but it's a journey of change.🙏

Have you sought out counseling? Lisa A Romano, Inner Intergration, Kati Morton, Teal Swan has great YouTube videos workshops you can go to.