Building a Whole New Life

So, I had a very frustrating conversation with my best girlfriend yesterday that was very troubling.

I told her that I think I am depressed. She began to argue with me about me NOT being depressed and wouldn't let it drop. She wanted to argue that I am experiencing normal human emotions but that I am NOT depressed.

It upset me because I felt entirely invalidated yet she continued to argue for minutes on end, even after telling her it was unproductive and not the point of me bringing it up to her.

Before this conversation, I had determined that I AM depressed. I have had bouts of situational depression before, and I realized this weekend that I am in a depressed funk due to work & life circumstances.

I am low energy, and despondent on most days. I lie on the couch and do nothing. I don't feel motivated but to do the bare minimum at work and at home. My thoughts are constantly despondent, and I am ruminating on all the negatives.

So, I am depressed, yet she argues that I am not and that the DSM is full of it.

She thinks that depression means you cannot help yourself or function. She thinks it means you have to be completely incapacitated. I told her there are different levels and degrees of depression and that I thought she was talking more about clinical depression than other types, like what I suffer, which is periodic, situational depression. I have even been diagnosed more than once as having depression. I have been on an anti-depressant medication for YEARS to help me during times like these that happen from time to time.

She came across so strongly and so arrogantly, as though HER definition trumps the DSM and all psychologists and psychiatrists with PhD's and medical degrees!!! I couldn't BELIEVE what I was hearing. She even knocked the entire field of psychiatry by saying the DSM is only aimed at medicating people so that pharmacies can make money.

OMG - I think I need to speak less to this girlfriend!?!!?!?

Lately, I have wondered how or why I am such good friends with her, and I have had these thoughts a LOT. We talk often and she has been my main support over the last many years..... BUT I'm also thinking that her thinking is totally off-based and whacked. She believes in things like conspiracy theories, she doesn't trust authority figures, and she thinks she knows everything. We voted opposite in the election, and we have opposing political beliefs and views so we don't talk about politics.

She also speaks over me frequently, and I have to fight to be heard. I often find myself raising my voice over hers and speaking loudly, while she continues to speak over me. It's incredibly frustrating and also I find it to be very disrespectful. Her whole family behaves that way with each other, so she thinks it's OK to do. I have brought this to her attention a couple of times, but she continues to do this on the phone, every time we speak! So, I gave up bringing it up and allow it to happen.

She is on disability and doesn't work yet she is under the impression that somehow miraculously she will figure out a way to make money online from home to replace and surpass her disability income. She lives in a fantasy world, but I don't have the heart to tell her she is being completely unrealistic, so I try to support and encourage her as best as I can.

But, she spins her wheels about the same 3 or 4 issues in her life, which never change, and this has gone on for YEARS! And I am just now beginning to see how nothing has changed in YEARS!

She complains about the same family issues and the same financial issues. I listen to her talk all the time about how she needs to distance herself from her family, then she allows herself to continue to be completely enmeshed with her family, who distract her from trying to learn a skill so she CAN make money, and it goes on and on and on.

She hates where she lives and how she lives, and she speaks often about how she cannot stand her living space. She lives like a packrat in her home, with very little room to move around because of so much junk, yet she has not cleared out any of the rooms of all the junk like she says she will do, each and every year.

She's a massive rut, but nonetheless, I listen and support and encourage her.

We talk on the phone at least several times each week, if not every day. She has been a mainstay in my life and is one of the closest people to me who has been there for me through thick and thin. But her arguments to me about my not being depressed took me by surprise and really upset me. I felt invalidated and continued to tell her repeatedly that I know when I am in a depressed state.

If my father were still alive, who was a psychiatrist, I bet she would try and argue with my father about depression not being a real thing.

The problem I face is I seem to be heavily dependent on our friendship, despite these issues. I have very few local friends to talk to all the time, so she is my bestie. But we don't even do the things normal friends do together, like having dinner or going out together for fun, because she has no money and little energy.

What do I do given that I AM dependent on her for friendship? I have a few new friendships blooming with 3 different women, but it takes a long time to develop closer friendships, which cannot be rushed or forced. That level of closeness has to happen naturally and over time.

It's also crossed my mind if she is in fact toxic for me as a friend. The speaking over me thing feels like toxic behavior. The rest feels like we are simply in very different places in life, our thinking is different, and we have completely different lives.

At the very least, I think I need to back off this week from speaking with her so frequently. I don't know what else to think or do... UGH. What do I do???? Build more of a life so that I am less dependent on this friend?

Everything continues to point me in the direction of branching out more in my life to continue meeting and making new friends.

I will be reaching out to a therapist that my nephews see. My mother gave me his contact info - so I do have a referral now and will follow up.

Maybe these questions are for me to figure out in therapy, but I would be curious to hear anyone's thoughts on here too about this issue with my girlfriend - if you've made it this far through my long post!!!

I've had some people in my life who didn't bring any positive changes. My ex was one of them; he only focused on his “cool” past and complained about everything happening in the present.

Some people I met were also concentrated on themselves and their past and told about their fears — and did nothing to change the situation. Also, being credulous about all non-science. I definitely can call them toxic, because their life and views impact me when we communicate. And we tend to be like people we use to communicate. Someone says we can distract from this, but this is b*t, we are like people who are close to us.

I can't afford myself to spend energy on someone who pulls me down, I don't have it much.
So, I often evaluate whether I gain more positive experiences from a friendship than negative ones. If someone disturbs my peace, I make the decision to cut them off.
Something should happen to these people to change, such as some stress or disaster, and they should want to change. Because even if you love and help a lot, they only become more complaining because actually they are OK with such life.

It was very hard for me to cut off people like this because I don't have many people at all. But if I do not do this, there will be no place in my life for someone else.

Also, I had a best friend who did this to me 2 times. She lacked the energy for our friendship, and I realize now that I must have been toxic for her as well. I believed she was my best friend, but she didn't invite me to her wedding and behaved like at a distance. She didn’t have the courage or empathy to express that she needed space; instead, she just started ignoring me. And returned in 3 years. And after a year again, went ignoring. It was extremely painful — she was my only girl-friend.

If she supports you, it's a lot. But IMHO, receiving support from someone who makes you feel bad at the same time is like help from the demon — works but tricky.
I think every person deserves a chance (especially someone who we know for a long). But in order to be strong and independent, I cut off ties that bother me and cry into my pillow

Hm... that's good perspective and I agree with you. If someone repeatedly makes me feel bad or brings more negative than positive, I cut them free from my life and friendships too. I've been doing that all year long - meeting new friends, learning that they are toxic, then cutting them loose after a few months or so. This friend I speak of doesn't make me feel bad about myself OR my life - and I wouldn't say she brings me more negativity than positivity - but those above are the issues I face with her. At the very least, I feel I need to get some distance. I feel that nagging at me as a first step to gain even greater perspective. I think this will help right now. Thanks for your thoughts!

On another topic, I just had an interesting and pretty amazing and also most surprising psychic reading on mr fun guy and me.

I call psychics and often they are accurate. I read their customer reviews and only pick the ones that appear to be for real and accurate.

So, this one I've called 3 times. She continues to give me positive news about mr fun guy.

She is clairvoyant and is predicting that he and become a lot closer and that our bond continues to strengthen over time.

She said in the first reading that he will fall in love with me and that he's never felt our kind of connection before.

She said after spending time with me this weekend, that he still feels that way - she also said that he feels this time around, he got both beauty and brains - that he is attracted to me sexually and physically, but also mentally.

She says he will come and go in the beginning, meaning a bit hot and cold, but that over time, he will want more and will want to see more and will want to talk to me about what he wants and is looking for with us. That he will open up more in time.

Anyways, that was really interesting - I do take these readings with a grain of salt because sometimes the psychics are wrong, or things change because we have free will.

But this reading made me feel good inside, like warm inside.

And that's a similar feeling I had yesterday after seeing him again and after leaving him. When thinking about our time together, it made me feel warm inside.

We did talk too. We didn't only just have sex. We had coffee in the morning and conversation both when we came back to his home the night before and in the morning again over coffee.

So it's also seemingly like a casual friendship that we've formed, too.

I gotta say that I am enjoying it... very much.

I have a very strong desire to talk to someone... one person daily. It doesn't have to be the same person each day, but I want to speak in depth with one person a day right now. That's how much support I feel I need at this time... OYE. That's a lot. I've been calling my mother almost every morning, who has filled this role for me. but I cannot talk to her about mr fun guy like I would to a girlfriend. I wan to talk about it all - mr fun guy, my job, my boss, my friendships, winter, life, hobbies. etc etc. I just want to get it out there so that I can unburden my mind from all these thoughts that constantly swirl and gain greater perspective or a different perspective.

And this is why I talk to the girlfriend I spoke of earlier - she is available to talk a lot of the times that I wish to talk to someone... a confidante.

You might want to consider a warm/listening line, such as:

https://caringcontact.org/

Thank you @Bill3! I forgot about this site! I've used it before.

Back to the office today for 3 days straight. Then Friday I work from home again. I hate the in-office days. Those are the hardest at work because I am confronted with all the issues head on which stare me directly in the face all day long. I am needing to learn how to ignore it and just focus on the work. So, back to the office... I am dreading the next 3 days.

Yesterday at work was manageable. But tonight. we have a team dinner until 7:30 - so I have a 11 -hour day ahead of me, including dinner. I am not in the mood for this today.

Perhaps it's winter, or perhaps it's depression. All I want to do is be home curled up on my couch with my kitty and a blanket.

Those Team dinners seem quite keen. Is it company driven, or genuinely socially driven by the team members?

If you’re not keen on them yourself, then I can understand that this must be quite torturous.

I socialise with my ex-colleagues (retired now), but this is through choice. I was never keen on any company organised events - they were always horrendously false.

These work gatherings are driven by my boss or her boss. It was OK - I got through it, although my boss told us a story about herself that was shocking and confirmed for me that I cannot trust her whatsoever.

My boss told a story last night that confirmed for me that she cannot be trusted AND that she is a HORRIBLE human being. I came home after our work happy hour with a huge feeling of ICKINESS after hearing her story.

She told us of the old days at the company, 20 something years ago, when everyone at work was hooking up and partying hard. It was either with our company, or another company she worked at before that. Either way, that part doesn't matter. She and a group of colleagues were curious to know whether 2 of their co workers were dating, because they were always seen together.

Rather than just assume they ARE dating, my boss took it upon herself to follow the two co workers after work in their cars, she in her car, and they in their separate cars. She followed them in her car, on the highway and into the city, to one of their homes, where she saw them both go inside, confirming for she and her colleagues that the two are in fact, dating. Well, she told this story and told us how she kept her head down the whole time while driving, to avoid being found out that she was following their cars. She also had her whole group of friends at work on the phone AS she was following them, giving the group blow by blow details of the chase.

She told this story to my whole team of 8 people last night. I walked away from the night feeling completely sickened and appalled.

WTH? Who the hell does that kind of thing?!?!? I don't think she did this to tell on them - I think she did it because they wanted to know the truth.

it is SO sneaky and SO invasive! I truly couldn't believe what I was hearing!

I told my mother this story last night, and her immediate response is clearly my boss is very underhanded and cannot be trusted one inch. I am walking away feeling the same way.

I reached out to the recruiting agency that recruited me for this position yesterday. I am going to start looking for another job. I've had it.... yesterday, before even hearing this story, I had concluded that the writing is on the wall that I should leave the company. My boss dislikes me, she is undermining me and is hindering me from being fully successful, and I can't stand working there anymore. Why SHOULD I stay?

But what do you think about the story my boss told???? What do you think it says about my boss?

I just entered the story into ChatGPT to ask the same question. The chat asked me if my boss is gossipy at work, and I said yes, she engaged in workplace gossip and office politics gossip.

This is what ChatGPT concluded - and yeah, so my conclusion before hearing this story is the writing is on the walk for me to leave. And this confirms it that I am working in a toxic work environment, having to work with this boss and even her boss since he told us that he loves workplace drama like people hooking up, partying, and doing crazy things.

ChatGPT answer:

"Your boss's story from 20 years ago wasn’t just a one-time lapse in judgment—it’s an indicator of a long-standing pattern of behavior. Her continued involvement in workplace gossip and office politics suggests she lacks leadership integrity and professionalism, which can be frustrating and even damaging for those trying to work in a drama-free environment."

More valuable infom from ChatGPT on this issue with my boss:

"Your boss’s behavior goes beyond being a gossip or engaging in office politics—she is actively creating a toxic and unhealthy work environment. Favoritism, bad-mouthing employees behind their backs, and bullying are serious leadership failures that can negatively impact your career, mental health, and overall job satisfaction.
How This Impacts You

Creates an Untrustworthy Work Environment
If she talks negatively about others, she likely talks negatively about you too. This erodes trust and makes it difficult to feel psychologically safe at work.
Employees may feel pitted against each other because of her favoritism, creating unnecessary workplace drama.

Hinders Career Growth
If she plays favorites, she may intentionally or unintentionally overlook your contributions.
This could mean fewer opportunities for promotions, recognition, or career development.

Damages Mental and Emotional Well-Being
Bullying from a manager is a serious issue and can lead to stress, anxiety, burnout, and self-doubt.
It can make going to work feel like a battle, which is unfair and unsustainable long-term.

Undermines Professionalism in the Workplace
A leader should set a standard of professionalism and respect, not contribute to dysfunction.
Her behavior likely demotivates employees and fosters resentment."

It’s quite interesting using AI. I find it can be very hit and miss, but sometimes it can produce something worthwhile.

At my company we're not allowed to use AI tools for our work. I have a ChatGPT account on my home computer so I use it. There's no way they would know. I have an AI generated photo on my Facebook profile, lol.

So I avoided my boss all day yesterday. I worked in the cafe for the morning, then I left at 3 pm for a "chiropractor" appt - I lied, but I got there at 7 am, so I did work a full day. I couldn't deal with being around my boss yesterday - not for one minute. So I avoided her.

I am feeling very isolated and apart from the majority of people at work. I’m not into sports or fitness really and most everyone there is. And my boss does everything possible, subtle and obvious, to make me feel alienated within my small team of four. So today I’m feeling it a bit deeply - I don’t belong there. And it’s not a good feeling. It makes me feel alone with who I am. I’m an older hippie working with twenty and thirty somethings whose lives exist on social media and tictok. There’s two people who like the same music as me but one of them wrote a poor peer review of me so I don’t like her. So I am different. I even had up a tapestry at my cube, of the ocean and dolphins. I took it down after a year. That’s when I started trying to be more a part of the team by wearing the company’s sneakers and apparel like everyone else. I am sacrificing and cutting off parts of myself bit by bit and day by day, just to survive there. I hate it now. I found an awesome looking job to apply for so I am working on my application this weekend. I am now going on the hunt for a new job. This one is not working for me.

I just read my first post when I started this thread.

I’ve made a lot of progress and have accomplished a few goals I set out to achieve… I ceased all contact with my ex, I’ve made some new friends, I’ve met lots of new people, I branched out into new social scenes and I quit smoking cigarettes.. I need to remember to look back and see where I was a year and a half ago and to track my progress. I should feel proud of myself for how far I’ve come.. I did not join an outdoor group though. Not yet. I think I’ve dragged my heels on that waiting until I quit smoking and waiting to get myself healthy and active again. But I achieved all other goals, including succeeding at work when I was initially scared of failure.

The job I wanted to apply for was taken down yesterday. It was so perfect for me but I think it’s been filled. Ugh. Back to the drawing board.

This weekend was uneventful. I went out last night by myself to hear a favorite band. The bar was empty and I didn’t know anyone there. I left after half an hour and came home.

BUT I’m skiing tomorrow!!! I’m going by myself and that’s ok! I’m excited to drive out of town up to the mountains - I haven’t been in the mountains since last summer when I took a mini vacation by myself in Vermont.

But last night when I came home I was feeling down spirited about still not having friends living nearby to go out with. A woman I’ve become friends with who lives an hour south will be going to a concert in the city with me and is spending the night at my place in a couple weeks. I’m excited for that. It’s our first time hanging out 1:1. I like her a lot - she’s a ton of fun and easy to talk to. She’s smart and is a scientist.. I hope we continue building a friendship.

Well, nothing is ever perfect so I should be happy about the new friends I have been able to make and for the progress I’ve made so far.

I just now wish I could get out of my job asap. I’m so ready to leap!!!

I have not taken ANY steps to correct this yet. I spoke to my girlfriend several times this weekend. I cut a couple of the conversations short because I felt drained speaking with her, and once again, I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere with my points. She think she knows everything. And she just loves to jump in and dictate it all to me, with me listening to her diatribe garbage. She even thinks she knows best about mr fun guy and what mr fun guy is all about, when she hasn't even met him.

I feel sour.

Today is a great day for me to get out of town and I am. Soon I drive to the mountains - I need this road trip right now.

WOW - so, get this. Craziness! I made it to the ski mountain yesterday and was making my way up a hill to the ski lift for my first run of the day, when my ski boot suddenly cracked from heel to toe on the sole of my foot and completely fell apart!!!

I was so distressed, I ended up at the bar before deciding to rent a pair of boots for $32. Then they had to adjust my skis to fit the boots, which took time.

By the time I was ready to ski, it was after 2 PM. I took TWO runs and that was enough! My legs were burning - I am sooo out of shape - wow.

Back to the bar for one more beer and a fire pit outside to enjoy the view with, then I made the 2-plus hour drive home.

What a day! LOL LOL.

It could have been far worse and I was spared, I do believe! I could have gotten on the mountain and I could have been skiiing down the slope when my boot broke, so the silver lining was at least I didn't get injured!!!

Crazy though, huh? Just my luck these days.

And... as soon as my boss arrived at work yesterday, she began shmoozing with my two colleagues while I was in a professional call for a half hour. She shmoozed with them for the whole half hour I was on a call! Doesn't she have work to do? Wtf is she doing shmoozing with them about music and dj's? And then when I got off my call and tried to join the conversation by asking what they were talking about, my boss didn't attempt to include me in the conversation so I walked away to another colleague's desk to talk to her about how awful my boss is!

I couldn't believe she had the nerve to act that way. I swear she is doing this on purpose to alienate me. She obviously chit chats with my 2 colleagues, but not with me. I hate her.

Two more days in the office to survive. I barely got through the day yesterday.

I had a first therapy appt last night. He will tell me in a week or two if he has a time opening up. He thinks I should see him weekly. I can't really afford that, but maybe I will try to see if I can swing it financially.

I am in such a bind. UGH!

Well, my boss did the same thing again yesterday. I guess it's something I will have to deal with from now on.. her shmoozing with my two colleagues but not with me. I wonder what she even does all day long. I have not seen one single piece of work produced by her - not even a single presentation! What does she do all day long?!? LOL..

It's ALMOST the weekend - wooohoooo! I made it through another week... and I am one week closer to vacation time!

I have an interview on Friday for a job in another company!!!!

Good luck!!! 👍

Thanks so much @Bill3!!!