Building a Whole New Life

I am quitting smoking anyways. I realized that there will always be an excuse to not quit, and that there is always a stressful circumstance that I can reference as a reason NOT to quit. So, I am going to quit today regardless of my work related stresses. I am going to chill and have faith that God will provide for me in this work review and bonus process. I have prayed about it.

So today is DAY ONE of NO SMOKING!

Phew - I get at least 60% of the bonus money. The remaining 40% is based on my review. So that’s a huge relief!

Day 2 NO SMOKING!

I am so relieved to learn about my bonus. I am relieved that I will get at the very least 6K. 5K covers what I need coming up in expenses, so I will at least be able to cover myself but I won't be able to pay off any of my older debt. I have high debt. I am depending on this bonus to pay off half my debt next year. I suppose that if I use the full 60% for debt, that would be a good start. But that is not until next year's bonus money, not now. I have a vacation and a a car lease down payment that requires money.

I scheduled a deep massage while I am on vacation. Problem is the cost is insane - like 3 times the normal rate. I am in a quandry about whether I should be blowing that kind of money on a massage. It feels decadent and frivolous - almost irresponsible. But I am tempted to keep the appointment anyways.

My vacation is 9 weeks away. Plenty of time to decide. I can decide when I get there. I cannot wait for this vacation. I will be counting down the days and weeks. The last time I did that was when planning my honeymoon and marriage in 2019. That feels like a long time ago. I guess it was - 6 years ago.

Anyways, day 2 of no smoking and I am doing well so far! Fingers crossed I really do it this time around.

I spoke with HR about the annual review and bonus - I have a feeling my boss will try and lowball me since 40% is contingent on your review, and the fact that my boss is responsible for a large portion of it. However, three other managers, including the VP of Marketing, must also sign off on the bonus amount my boss chooses. HR told me that most people receive the full amount. But I am still worried because I do not have any idea which way my boss will go.

I am on a bathing suit buying spree - I can't seem to stop myself. I bought yet another one last night, and so far I've already bought 2 new suits for my vacation - so that's 3 new suits, in addition to those I already own.

What is wrong with me?

Dieting AND quitting smoking is a bit more than I can handle. When you quit smoking, you want to snack more. But I can't. I can snack on carrots, fruit cup, or low fat cheese. No fun. So I am shopping.

I have an addictive personality I think. If it's not one thing, it's another.

Day 5 no smoking!

I made it through 4 days, and 2 of those days I was stuck at home! I am so proud of myself. The first 3 days are always the absolute hardest due to withdrawals. But I am using the nicotine patch, so I do actually have some amount of nicotine in my body, which lessens the effects of withdrawal. I feel like such an addict right now. But it's an addiction, and I am breaking a tough addiction.

What do they say? That quitting smoking is harder than quitting heroin?

BUT, I've gained a whole pound despite dieting for a week! How can that happen? I've been eating sugarless gum - but I ate an entire pack of it two days in a row. They have calories - maybe it's the gum. I'm disappointed and disheartened to learn I actually gained weight - and now I remember that I had ice cream the other night. Ok, so I've cheated on my diet.... no wonder. LOL.

Well done!

It’s a lot to lose weight at the same time as quitting smoking though!

Thank you!!! It IS a lot - and a lot more than I bargained for. OOPSY!

I found out my ex husband is no longer dating the woman with dark hair and dark eyes and I am SO relieved!!! A burden has been lifted! Now I don't have to worry about running into them and having him gloat over the fact that she has dark hair and dark eyes - his stated preference to me. I ducked the whole thing and never had to deal with seeing them together, thank goodness!!!

I am also going skiing next Monday by myself and cannot wait. It will be strange to go by myself, but whatever... it is what it is. I tried to get a girlfriend to go with me and she is being lame about it so I am going solo.

My trip to Mexico is now 8 weeks away.

Things are moving in the right direction. Day 6 no smoking. I am restless, chewing gum incessantly and am smoking weed, but at least it's not cigarettes.

It's wonderful that you are handling this. Quitting smoking is really harder than most dependencies.
I also want to set a day to stop vaping. Starting by avoiding it in rooms and taking breaks.
Wishing you strength and resilience on this path!

Sounds a good thing to focus on. Have a wonderful time. It is so good to get out and about doing something you enjoy.

@volsinchy, thank you!! I am doing quite well with it so far!! I even was home for 4 days straight, which normally would have made me cave, but I remained steadfast and strong and just chewed a lot of gum. I want to vape, but then I don't want to be addicted to the vape. That's great you are on a reduction plan with yours - nice work!

@NovaBlaze, thanks, it will be very refreshing for me!!! My other hip has started to hurt though, so I hope that dissipates by next Monday - that would be awful, to be in pain trying to ski. My chiropractor cannot see me this week either. Ugh.

Don't let it stop you from going. If you get there and it's too painful, at least you will have tried.

Nothing will stop me from skiing! I haven't skied in 12 years, so I am LONG OVERDUE... as of yesterday the pain in my hip seems to have gone away... at least for now. Fingers crossed!

I am FUMING right now because my landlord is a total slumlord.

Here's what happened.

Something was wrong with my heating system. I had a professional come look at it in November, and he determined there was nothing really wrong with it and tried to tell me it was something I had done to cause the temp to not reach it's set temp (A/C units in the windows, for example).

Well, the temp on the thermostat continued not to reach its set temp, and by Dec - January, it was so cold in my apartment, I had to turn on two space heaters to keep my apartment heated. I ran those for a month, until the heating system completely busted the other day, and I lost all heat and hot water.

It turns out that some hose had broken. So in other words, there was a failing hose, the heating guy did not find this on the first visit to fix it and my landlord also tried to tell me it was nothing. Well, the second visit proved it was broken. It was fixed on this second visit.

However, I just received a $400 electric bill, on top of a $400 heating bill this month! That's what $800 for heat and electric in one month!!!

The way I see it is my landlord caused this because he's a total freaking cheapskate. He refused to believe something was wrong with the heat the first time, so I was forced to use space heaters, which jacked up my electric bill, until the heat completely busted and all heat was lost.

So I am fuming at my landlord. I cannot ask him to pay for it - he won't. He is a cheap bastard that I always have to push to get anything fixed!

Once when my apartment was infested with large black flies, and I was killing 10 per day inside my home, he first tried to tell me to just set traps! I demanded an exterminator and said this is a health hazard!

I hate my landlord right now. I love where I live, but he is one downside to living here. And I am freaking pissed. I can pay the bill, but I am still pissed.

It’s crap when these things happen in life. This too shall pass.

Yes, this too shall pass. Thank you.

So, at the office at work, my boss, myself, and my colleague sit next to each other in cubes. My colleague is working from home this week so it's just me and my boss sitting in our row. My boss sits directly next to me. She has made it SO obvious that she does not care for me. She has been avoiding me all week by conducting all her calls at other stations or in conference rooms other than at her desk.

Could she be more obvious? GEEZ. This is SO petty and SO immature.

A mature adult could handle sitting next to me doing their work all day. But no, she apparently cannot even handle that, and must work elsewhere, leaving me all alone in our row.

Un-freaking believable! I am constantly in awe of this woman's immature behavior - she dropped me from her Instagram about 6 weeks ago. Petty!!!!!

I am trying really hard not to let her avoidance get to me. But it kind of does - there is no way around it.

It makes me even more worried about what she will write in her annual review for me and if she is going to lowball me and be petty there too.

Suddenly I am pursuing Mr fun guy more. WTH?!? I don’t know WHY. I’m pretty certain he only wants sex - so why am I trying to make it more? After sleeping together only once so far this go around, yesterday I decided to ask him to go to a concert with me in February - a month away. Naturally he said it would be a last minute decision and couldn’t commit. I feel so stupid.

This week has been horrific . Maybe I’m looking for someone I can text so I don’t feel so alone? It’s truly been a whopper of a week. First my car tire gets a leak, then I’m battling my landlord to get the heat fixed, then both the heat and hot water break in my home, then my debit card got hacked, then the heater in my car broke for a day, then a good friend had to put his beloved sick cat to sleep. To boot, my boss is deliberately avoiding me. And the whole time I’m not smoking and I’m dieting?!?!? Wtf?? This was an insane week. I cannot take anymore.

And I feel so very foolish for pursuing Mr fun guy. I told myself I want him to pursue me. And instead I’m doing the pursuing??? Do guys EVER like that?!?!?

I feel like I’m losing my mind!! I’m reaching out to Mr fun guy like I can’t control my actions. I feel out of control.

I think you’re being a bit hard on yourself. Giving up smoking will have a massive effect on your mood and outlook on life, even if you’re using nicotine patches. It is going to cloud your judgment and your decision making.

Focus on the stuff you can control. Your heating is fixed, and you have a big bill which you’ve said you can pay, so put that out of your mind. Has your debit card issue been reported and resolved - hopefully you won’t lose out over this? It’s a shame about your friend’s cat, but all you can do is support her. However, given what you’re going, through I’d be selfish for a moment and look at it from the perspective that it’s not your cat that has been put to sleep - so don’t take on that grief. As for your boss, this is nothing new - you know you can’t control her behaviour, so just take a step back and breathe.

Also, you’re nearly through the week, so give yourself a pat on the back for making it through. A week without smoking is a huge achievement.

As for the guy, you’ve already worked out chasing him is foolish, so you actually do have a choice in whether you repeat this behaviour or not.

Hope your weekend improves for you.

@NovaBlaze, thank you sooo much. Just having someone reply is making me most grateful. Everything you wrote makes perfect sense to me - yes, it's been a long and very difficult week. Yes, continuing to not smoke cigs is a huge achievement, especially after dealing with so much stress. And yes, I am being hard on myself - I typically am.

The guy? I am kicking myself - yes, I can stop pursuing him, but that doesn't stop me from feeling oh so foolish for chasing him in the first place. It's embarrassing to me.

A psychic I called about him told me that he's not a nice person - she said that once he gets comfortable in a relationship, that he is not nice and has a lot of anger.. she used the words emotionally abusive. OYE! I trust this. I call psychics periodically to gain insights on people and situations I face. It's my therapy. I don't pay too much, it's within my budget, and it has been an amazing substitute for therapy since I can't find a therapist.

Point being? Hearing that may or should help me to stop pursuing him.

I think this dating hiatus has been too long for me and now has become detrimental to my health. I am sociable. I like to be connected to people, and to men. I love connection and relating. I am starving and craving it - I am tired of doing everything on my own.

I am barking up the wrong tree though, and I am still not truly ready to actually start dating. So, what,... I chase a man who is undatable?? Non sensical.

Holy moly - how could I forget? The extra $400 electric bill I also got slapped with this week is the cherry on the cake - on top of a $400 heating bill. Ugggggghhhhhhhhhh.

Don’t feel embarrassed or foolish for chasing this man. You have feelings and desires, and more importantly you’re aware that he wouldn’t be a long term choice. There’s really nothing to be embarrassed about.

Thank you for saying that. But I am not sure how he views this... me pursuing him that is. It's embarrassing if it annoys or bothers him or makes him feel worried or scared to come near me. I don't want to scare him off or denigrate myself in any way by being in such hot pursuit.. I did tell him yesterday that I am just looking to have fun and nothing more. He gave me a big thumbs up and a smiley, so I think that was OK.