Building a Whole New Life

So, depression is not winning, but burnout is. It hit me yesterday - I am completely burned out on life and need a real vacation. I haven't flown anywhere since 2019 - that was for my honeymoon. And my honeymoon, the first real vacation I had taken in 20 years, was the worst vacation. My ex husband ruined it for me. He fought with me, he was tense for the first 2 days because he didn't have weed, he became difficult, and I almost didn't marry him because he fought with me the morning of our wedding.

20 years before that, a girlfriend ruined a planned cruise vacation by disappearing and sleeping with a man she met at a bar, leaving me hanging and not knowing where she had disappeared to.

If I do take a vacation, I will go by myself. Everything else I've done all year has been on my own, so why not a vacation? I've already started to look into it.

I need this... like I really really really need this. I can't go until March though, due to needing to accrue vacation days.

I guess I am not depressed per se, but I do feel sad... in looking back at the last 11 years, it's been extremely difficult for me. 11 years ago I lived across the country in California. I was on my own and felt the greatest sense of freedom. I had moved to the southwest in 2010 and left in 2012 for the west coast. I lived in Oregon for a year and in California for a year. That was the last time I recall feeling really really happy, despite a few pitfalls I encountered. I was free...

Then upon returning to the East coast, I had to live with my parents and remained living with my parents for 4 years as I worked to get on my feet again professionally. Then I struggled professionally for the next 10-11 years, up until today. I fought to raise myself professionally - through blood, sweat, and tears, I fought to rise in position and salary. I went through several layoffs, bullying, and abuse during those years. It was not easy.

Nothing in my life has ever come easily - except maybe making new friends. I see those years as darker years of my life. And before I moved out west was very difficult too. My life has black marks all over it. Black magic marker marking those years as very painful and very difficult.

And now? I am exhausted - just sheer exhausted.

I talk about taking a vacation, but all I can afford is a 4-day break in Mexico. I really need a sabbatical or a full month of not working.

Why do other people seem to have such easy lives and why has mine had to be SO freaking hard?

In numerology, I am a master number - number 11, which holds the energy frequencies of the 1, 2, and 11 - according to Numerology, my soul path number 11 is the most difficult number a person can have, and only a small percentage of the population has this master number - according to what I've read, and I have a whole Numerology book on this, it involves a lot of learning, growth, and life lessons. It is written that once I learn how to accept and trust my natural intuitive abilities, I will come into my true self and power. I am an intuitive. The 11 is the psychics number.

Learning and growth are extremely painful. And I am tired of having to learn life lessons. I am done already. I have had it with learning... I want to coast now. I want to put my feet up and relax. I want to sit back and enjoy the fruits of all my hard labor. But that is not exactly happening in my current job because of my awful classless bullying and loud-mouthed boss.

When looking back at the last 11 years, it's been about progressing and building my career. I started out 11 years ago earning 35K. Now I earn 130K a year. The only good I can see coming out of those years is career progression by leaps and bounds. I went from earning just 35K, to 65K, 85K, 95K, 105K, and then finally 130K. I guess I should feel proud of this. I haven't really thought of it from this light.

Not sleeping is not helping me right now. This morning I was awake at 1:30-1:45 AM and have been up and about since then.. menopause sucks.

My mood feels dark.. not depressed, or maybe it is depression talking. I am coloring everything negatively and dark. I feel like my life mostly has a black magic marker all over it since day 1.

I won't hurt or harm myself, but it would be so much easier if I could just leave this world. I feel done. Done with it all - work, career, love, relationships.... I feel done.

What do I do???????????

Yesterday, I found a volunteer activity I may be interested in - working with horses and kids with disabilities. In the new year, I think I might sign up. I need to get out of the house and out of my dark thoughts.

Somehow... I need to break this cycle because it's not helping me.. it's just making everything feel worse.

I need a beacon of hope.. of light to guide me forward. I need to feel hopeful again. And I just don't right now. I feel bleak.

I just remembered an important quote that will help me:

Look for the blessings instead of the problems

I just booked a trip to Cancun Mexico - all inclusive resort and spa. I am going on vacation! Not til March - but it's a step at least.. an act of self love and self care. I need this badly.

So important to have something to look forward to. Sounds fantastic.

It is important!! Thank you!!!

The sadness of not having a love to share the holidays with is truly palpable. I wake up and cry nearly every morning, over one thing or another, but this season, it's really hitting home that I don't have anyone. And I look older. My wrinkles are visible. I may look like I am 45 instead of 54, but my wrinkles are getting worse because I smoke cigarettes, which I cannot seem to quit. I just feel very sad and hopeless right now.

54 is still very young. You have plenty of time ahead of you to meet someone new. I think Christmas gets tougher each year, as I get older. There seems more and more pressure to be happy and build this media perfect vision of Christmas, which for many of us is unachievable.

I’m 60 in a few weeks time, and I don’t know where the time has gone. I’m trying to look on the positive side, and embracing simply being alive, but it does scare me. You’re not alone, in that sense.

@NovaBlaze, thanks very much for the encouragement!!!

There is a lot of pressure around Christmas. Christmas and the holidays are difficult for many people.

I run a page on Facebook to help people, and the posts I make that get the most likes and shares are the ones that identify with the difficulties surrounding the holidays.

The media is the largest influence of that - creating an idyllic vision of Christmas with family and loved ones - you're sooo right.

Truth is, family relationships and dynamics are complex. Many families don't even like each other. Some are completely estranged from their families, and many have lost loved ones and are grieving. That grieving and loss becomes more profound during family-focused holidays.

I just spoke with a female friend yesterday who lost her father a year ago, and then her mother and step father this year close together. Holy cow. She is at a loss. I cannot even imagine how that must feel.

She told me of an old friend of mine from high school who had colon cancer, beat the cancer, but now is on oxygen living at his father's home. He hasn't worked in years.

I have it easy compared to these two people i know.

This is the longest in my life that I've been single. Typically, I've run from relationship to relationship - with only a few months in between. I think this is God's way of teaching me to be happy and OK on my own.

And it's working. There are moments when I do feel sheer happiness being on my own. I am having epiphanies and feel like I'm growing - these are growing pains, and I do feel that. It's been painful as well at times to be alone, like when I wrote that post and was crying about it.

Ultimately, I feel it's best for me to be alone this past year. BUT, it's been hard, lonely, and painful at times, and right now, it's been particularly hard.

Yes, 54 is still young enough, but I am no spring chicken. I know of older adults who have found love at 60 and older.

You are lucky you have a spouse who can support you through your difficult times. I have to rely solely on me, sometimes my mom and sometimes my sister.

After speaking with that female friend, my perspective has shifted a little and I woke up today feeling more so grateful than anything else.

I forget sometimes to count my blessings vs my problems. I am reminded all the time of this. I think it's God's way of telling me things could always be far worse. I am lucky I can work and that I have an income and a good job (on paper at least). I have my own home that I love, a beloved cat that I adore, my own car and my freedom. I am free of all abuse and toxicity in my love life, and sometimes I've forgotten to celebrate this, especially given my history of multiples abusive relationships. I am free of all of that - and this I DO celebrate. And need to remember to celebrate it every day.

Life - it's not easy - and we all face our own unique set of challenges. These have been mine. I know that ultimately, being alone is helping me somehow. I am learning that I CAN be alone. I have learned that I don't need a relationship to be happy. I've learned that happiness is something I can create for myself, each and every day. It doesn't always happen naturally and I have to work at it. I am also learning boundaries and self love.

These are things I've been missing in my life. So to me, this is God speaking to me, telling me that this is what I have needed, and that's why I've been alone.

Sorry, once again I've written a novel in reply. LOL. I do that.

Thank you again for your encouragement, your kindness and your generosity - you are a gem!!!

PS. My sister got a puppy for Christmas, which brings me much joy!!! This is the 1st puppy in our family in years, and I am beyond thrilled. I can't wait to meet and play with him!

I often look at other people’s situations and realise how lucky I am. Although I guess it’s all relative. What some people take in their stride is another person’s nightmare.

I am very lucky having such a loving and understanding partner. I probably wouldn’t be alive today without her. She is the reason I am working so hard to try and conquer my health anxieties and associated depressive episodes.

Have fun fussing your sister’s new puppy. Pets can be such a boost to mental health and life in general.

@NovaBlaze, agreed, and yes, you're very lucky to have such a partner.

I think my sister may be overwhelmed about having a new puppy. She was in shock. Her two boys gave her the puppy as a Christmas present.

My physical health is going to be a priority in this next year. I am going to quit smoking AGAIN. I am going to start an exercise program, and I am going to take care of all regular checkups and doctor appointments. I have neglected my health all of my life... well, on and off. And it's time to take care of myself. If I want to attract a healthier man, I have to get healthy too. My mind is made up, and that's my focus this year, starting early in the new year.

My sister told me yesterday that her partner is not fully supportive of having a puppy. Their relationship has been on thinner ice lately and it's not a decision they made together. She also told me they may not be able to keep the puppy. I feel heartbroken for the poor dog and my nephews if they decide they cannot keep it. What a shame. No decision has been made yet, so I am hoping they keep him.

I realized that as I am now, I will not attract a healthy man because I smoke cigarettes. Any man who is older and healthy-minded likely doesn't smoke and would look down on me for it, especially at my age. I've read that men like confident women who take good care of themselves regularly and who groom themselves regularly. This is where I am weakest! I let my hair go for months at a time. I never paint my fingernails, only my toes, I am horrible with regular exercise, and I've smoked for over 30 years. Not to mention that I've been abused all my life and have a tragic life story.

What man would want me??? I feel very unlovable right now, and like a leper who will remain single forever.

The only silver lining I could find is that quitting smoking and starting an exercise program are two things I CAN change and which are within my control to change.

But I am worried I will gain weight, which is why I continue to smoke. I gained and lost 20 pounds through my marriage and divorce. I finally feel good about my weight and about my looks, and when I quit smoking, I'm terrified I will gain weight and look awful again.

Men find me to be physically beautiful, and I am frequently told this. When I lost 20 pounds after 5 years of being chubby, I finally felt good about how I look, which helps my confidence. I don't want to gain any weight. I am very weight and body conscious.

This is quite the conundrum.

And... a very new female friend just asked me in reply to my Facebook post about a vacation if she could join me.

OMG....

I hardly know the woman, so I hope she wasn't serious!!!!

The first real vacation I took for myself, that I paid for, was ruined by a female friend I went with whom I barely knew. The second real vacation I took that I paid for, my honeymoon, was ruined by my ex husband.

I am NOT taking a risk this go around with my third vacation in my lifetime. I will not take that risk. No one is going to ruin this vacation for me.

I am a bit taken aback that she asked and it raises a red flag for me. She doesn't know me either.

I read some of your posts and want to say hello and that I feel for you.
I quit smoking cigarettes 10 years ago for several months and gained terrible overweight. So I returned to smoking for several years. And forced myself go the gym at least 1 time per week. Also, I ate a little but every 2-3 hours to help my body to reduce the amount of food. And I started to drink coffee. It helped me, and after 3 years my weight became normal.
But when I left smoking cigarettes finally, that took a lot of time, I discovered that now I have a lot of energy to do things. I also didn't have the strength to look after myself while I was smoking cigarettes, but now I learned.
To be honest, I changed cigarettes to a vape, and quit vaping after.
But with the beginning of the war, I started vaping again. I am very happy, that I did not return to cigarettes. I feel a lot better when do not inhale smog from burning leaves, paper and god knows what else. I make vape liquid by myself to be sure there is nothing harmful in it (at least what was studied for now) and a very little amount of nicotine compared to every cigarette. I hope there will be a day when I would have not this enormous amount of stress and quit nicotine fully.
And some good men wanted to be with me even when I smoked, they were waiting when I quit this but were on my side.
I think that I will never be with a person who doesn't understand that people can change. There are a lot of men who know what dependencies are, some of them quit also and have a nice life.

@volsinchy, hello and thank you so much for sharing your story! It's encouraging to hear...

The last time I did Ok with quitting smoking, I vaped. But then I developed a horrific cough from vaping and before I knew it, I was smoking again because my ex husband smokes.

I dont' want to try vaping this go around because of the coughing. The patches seem to work well for me, and honestly, smoking some weed too helps at night. The only problem with smoking weed is I can get hungry and munchy and eat more. So I need to watch that.

My quitting date is Jan 2nd! Wish me luck!!!

I used nicotine patches for a while and realized that I needed to inhale something. I suppose it's some kind of psychological dependence.
I use weed too, primarily because of MS. It helps me sleep at night and reduces my tremors. I was able to quit cigarettes after I started using it.
I wish you a lot of power and luck to go through this successfully!

Yeah, weed is what I've used in the past since I too needed to inhale something. I will try the patches and weed to start with.

It's Christmas morning. We had a family Christmas Eve dinner last night. Mom gave us each a good chunk of money. I got 5K for Christmas from mom! I couldn't believe it. Now I can spend a little bit of that on my vacation in Cancun, without worrying about money. I am soo excited!

Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah.

That’s a great way to start Christmas Day - merry Christmas to you and your family.

Thanks and to you as well!! ☃️🎄🎅

Going into this new year I am feeling very hopeful. This past year, I have learned boundaries and self preservation. My inner peace is most important to me at this stage in my life. And no one is going to tread on that. I will only allow into my life those who are worthy. No more immediate and quick friendships that end in disaster. I am being very cautious with new friends. And I am being very self protective when it comes to meeting new men. The old me doesn't work anymore. A new me, with strong boundaries, is what I am aiming for.

Sounds great! Best wishes for 2025! 😃

Thanks so much and for you too, @Bill3!