Building a Whole New Life

I've gained 6 pounds. I am not happy about it. So, now I have to diet AND quit smoking in the new year. So common, right?

Yes, there will be a lot of people in this predicament right now,, and probably a lot of these people were in the same position last year, the year before, and the year before that. I guess you need to find the right motivation that will make your intentions stick.

I was about one and a half stone overweight earlier in the year, but I’m back in the middle of my normal weight range now - I stopped snacking and eating large amounts of chocolate. The “driver” this time was my physical health. My cholesterol went up a bit, and this worried me to the extent it kicked in more long term self-control this time.

Wishing you a happy new year.

Thank you!! Happy new year to you too!! I am very weight conscious so 6 pounds is a lot to me. But I will lose it again and all will be well again. 😊 and good for you for staying on your health!

I woke up happy. Happier than I have felt in a while. Like the happiest I may have ever felt before. I feel a deep inner peace coming over me. I am having multiple revelations about myself, my life, my challenges, and my next chapter. I am really excited for what is to come next. I want to turn the page and begin again or on new footing. And I feel it inside me - I am on a brand new level of understanding. I understand the mistakes and lessons from my past. I know what to do in the present and future to learn from those most valuable life lessons. My boundaries are stronger. My faith in myself is stronger. I have overcome so much in my life, I feel like the Phoenix Rising - I rise every time and come out even stronger and better off than before. I am hopeful for a brighter future than my recent past. I feel myself coming back to life again. It's taken a year and a half since my divorce to feel this way. But I feel happy - nearly giddy - like a kid at Christmas. I feel like I've won the Gold medal. I am doing well today and can't wait to see what the future holds for me.

Really good to hear. You can conquer the world when you are feeling well. What a great way to start the New Year.

@NovaBlaze, yes, and thank you!! It does feel good to start the new year this way.

I even arranged for a hotel for myself for New Years Eve night close to the music venue so that I don't have to drive an hour home that night.

The last thing I need is to be pulled over by the police on New Years Eve. I got a DUI last year at Thanksgiving, which was basically a nightmare. Never again.

So I'm making wiser choices too. This year will be all about making wiser choices, improving my health, and maintaining strong boundaries.

I feel I have a lot of work to do on myself before I am ready for a relationship. I fear that maybe I am too damaged for a relationship. I've been codependent, I've had no boundaries, I've been abused and cheated on. And now I have a different world view whereby I think most men and most people suck. And I worry that I won't be able to trust anyone ever again.

Not only that, but I don't sleep through the night and wake up at 2-3 am every day. I am awake, up and drinking coffee at that time.

I feel that I am a lovable person, but I fear that my baggage is too much.

I discovered that I also should work on myself alone before meeting people, and the situation is looking so similar... I encountered new people and it was hard. Time alone is necessary (but it's hard).
I wish you the power and strength for this. I feel for you.

I wish you a Happy New Year and the energy to move on!

Thanks so much. It's actually nice to not feel so alone with this issue, but I am sorry that you too feel this way. I feel for you as well.

Yes, time alone can be hard, but I am also finding it to be empowering. I know I am growing in new ways that I wouldn't be if I were attached to a relationship. Healing for me is absolutely necessary, or else I will just keep repeating the patterns.

I dated during the year after my divorce and I kept meeting the same kinds of toxic men. So I stopped dating. It's been almost one year of no dating.

I am prepared for that to extend for as long as needed. I feel I need to build a solid life for myself first, and I am working on that.

I wish you all the best... being alone does have certain advantages - always remember this.

Happy new year to you too!

I had the most fun New Year’s Eve!! I got a hotel for myself and Ubered to and from the concert so I could relax and party it up. I reconnected with a former lover who came to my hotel. I was so excited for that.. it’s been too long without intimacy. It was nice. It also makes me feel a bit better about my ex dating while I am not. I felt really awful without intimacy happening on my end too and it rubbed me wrong knowing he has someone and I don’t. I know I shouldn’t compare but it’s been hard not to. But finally I was able to be with a man and feel fulfilled in that way. This feeling will carry me through for a while. I may stop by his house before I head back home. He’s fun! I’m so glad we got to reconnect.

So glad you’ve found some peace and happiness, that’s fantastic. It’s a reminder that things can change for the better, even when at times it may seem that this is so far away. Keep on having fun.

Thanks! It is a good reminder, and it was a great way to start the new year!

I have a weird thing that I do that I don't understand.

Ever since I was a young kid, I've had a tendency to become fixated on a guy I like. Like very fixated. When I was young at 6 years old, I had a crush on a teenage boy and I followed him around. At camp, I developed another crush, and wanted to be wherever the boy was, hoping he felt the same way and hoping to talk to him. This has continued on through adulthood.

Now I feel I am a bit fixated on my man friend that I slept with on new years eve. I am pretty certain that this relationship cannot go anywhere. He is not exactly the commitment type - he's a party guy and is a playboy of sorts. But he's cute, he's sweet, he's fun, and I like his company. So, now I am focused on him and on sleeping with him again. I offered to drive to his place Friday night to see him again. He lives an hour away from me. He says he may have to be up super early Sat morning, and I said I didn't mind.

I don't know what this is about - whether its anxious attachment, which I think is my attachment style - or something else.

But thinking about this other guy helps to keep my mind off my ex. I don't want to think about my ex anymore. I want him to disappear from my thoughts. Him living down the street from me doesn't help me in this regard. There is always the fear of running into him. And I've decided to stay put in my current home and not move because of my ex. I decided that is not fair and so I am digging in my heels in stubborn defiance. Why should I pay 6-7K to move out when he's the one who moved back into my neighborhood, and when I am perfectly happy living where I am?

Either way, my fixations concern me a bit. I wish I knew what this was about. Call them strong crushes, because that's what they are. It's only a crush, but it becomes kind of obsessive and I am well aware of it.

I'm sure it dates back to my childhood and to being neglected by my father when I was young. I wish I knew how to manage and control it better though because it doesn't exactly feel healthy or normal.

My goals require inner and outer change. I feel overwhelmed by all that I want and need to do.

All of a sudden I feel a bit vulnerable.

I feel vulnerable because I want this guy to want me - I want him to pursue me and to want me again. It's been a long time since I've liked someone. And I like this guy.. at least for now in terms of sleeping together and dating casually. If it only is that, that is Ok by me. If it becomes something more, then that would be great too. Right now, I don't know. I just hope he doesn't blow me off. I asked to get together tonight but I haven't heard back from him.

For many people these are probably just natural feelings. Most people want to be liked, and if you find someone who you’re physically and emotionally attracted to then it’s no surprise you’re fixating.

From what you’ve written on here of your own experience though, you know you need to be careful, and take it slow. Imagine if your current scenario of what you are experiencing now were being related to you by a close friend, and they were seeking your advice - what advice would you give them?

I would tell a friend to be cautious and go slowly. Which is what I need to do. And thank you... that is encouraging to know it's a more normal feeling. I don't know him emotionally, really, but I do know his personality a bit and I am attracted to his personality. He's mr. fun guy. I like fun guys.

I just had an epiphany - whenever I find myself fixating on a man, I am going to pour that energy instead towards myself and my own life. This includes fixation on my ex husband, which has still occurred daily, and fixation on this new/old guy in my life. I am going to just turn it all inward and make the best life for myself that I can. That's all I can do - is to just be happy on my own.

This is a good plan - put yourself first. I know you said you like fun guys - I guess that’s quite a broad category - but maybe in your heart you know these guys cease to be fun after a while; let you down, hurt you, don’t support you.

I guess the question is, would a guy you class as being fun be there when you need them, be with you in a crisis, sit with you in ER, understand when you hit rock bottom and still sit by your side, do his share of the chores with you, think about what you want to do and what you like to do, talk to you about the things you’re interested in. If the answer is no, then maybe fun guys aren’t the answer.

You know this though - I think you will be fine.

Oh this is just a fling - nothing more. I don’t see long term potential with Mr fun guy. I do know that all those other aspects are a part of being in a committed relationship.

I feel I have "made it" in my career and at this point in time. I struggled for SO LONG - YEARS. I suffered a wrist injury in 2008 that necessitated surgery, me quitting my website management job, and recovery for a whole year post surgery. My surgeon told me that I could not return to the same line of work. I had injured and torn two ligaments working too intensively on the keyboard and computer, while having a poor ergonomic desk set up.

So I changed directions and decided to enroll in graduate school for counseling psychology. Well, that didn't work out after a year in school, so I switched directions again and entered into digital marketing.

I had to start at the ground floor at the age of 41 in digital marketing. I started out with one client as a freelancer, then I gained a full-time job earning only 35K a year. It took me 11 years to climb the ladder to get where I am now earning 130K a year, with plenty of blood, sweat, and tears along the way.

Now I am in a pretty cushy job - I get to outsource a lot of my work to an external agency and work just normal business hours. Essentially, I manage and dictate the strategy for the website and delegate tasks to the agency partner. I do some of the work myself too, but the partnership with the agency allows me to relax and not stress about tasks. I am considered the expert within the organization in my industry and line of work. I am the solo person managing the strategy for the whole company, even globally.

I am aiming for a promotion to manage things on the global level across all the regions. I included this desire in my annual self evaluation, which is reviewed by several higher ups and marketing executives, including Human Resources.

If I can get promoted to a global Director role, I truly will have made it to the top in my career.

I am very proud of this accomplishment. It took years, and loads of hard work and effort. I enrolled in multiple professional development courses and certifications to climb the ladder and learn my industry. I worked extremely hard at it, so I have well earned my position, and I am proud.

It's the one thing in my life that I can say worked out very well, but it took a long time and it took a lot of patience, stress, and aggravation over the years to get where I am now.

I remember during one layoff, I was rejected by 13 employers in a row. I kept interviewing only to be rejected again and again and again. I kept at it until I landed a job. And that is how the past 11 years went for me. I kept at it, despite rejections and setbacks until I achieved my next goal. I even got laid off 3 different times during those 11 years, and still bounced back, getting an even better position and higher salary each time.

This experience has taught me the value of perseverance in the face of adversity, the value of hard work, and the value of earned efforts.

I am beyond thrilled to be sitting where I sit now in my career - it's almost like I can sit back, relax, and enjoy the fruits of my labor.

And the beautiful thing about my company is they don't go through many layoffs - if any - and they are slow to fire someone. They give a person a year's warning and a chance to improve before they terminate employees.

Being the only person responsible for my industry within the entire global company I think may also provide a level of job security and protection. I am also doing a great job and have several big achievements under my belt there.

So, all in all, things are good in my career - except for my bully boss. Even she has gotten better though, after I spoke with her boss about it. So there's that.

I really cannot complain though, given where I had started and given how far I've come in 11 years or since 2014. I was even living at my parents home back then and now I have my own home. Thank goodness!!!

So, I feel I am sitting pretty in my life at this juncture. I have made a new career for myself after the surgery, I made it, and I did it all on my own.

I am feeling good.

It's truly wonderful to achieve such a milestone. I believe many of my issues would disappear if I could stay in one hob for a long time. Having a stable position to work from is invaluable, and I’m really happy for you. I wish I could have a similar experience because, in my opinion, freelance work isn't a traditional job.
I feel like freelance is my achievement, and I have done it for 5 years (I dropped several times, but returned, and this is another achievement for me, not to drop every job I have)))) However, freelancing can be isolating, and it’s tough to go without income some months due to the unpredictable flow of orders.
Your story is definitely inspirational. I hope that one day I can find a stable job and stick with it.

Thank you!!! I freelanced in the beginning, middle and end. I am in the job I have now due to freelancing. So, it can lead to far better opportunities! Keep working at it - pour your energy into your work and your professional development. Take a course or two, and increase your skill set and marketability. That's how I got where I am today. I poured my efforts into my career development... and I became a true expert in my industry. That's also how I got where I am now.

So, yeah... just as I was saying how well I am doing in my career and how I feel I have finally "made it', I get a bad employee review from a colleague during my annual formal review process.

I am beside myself. This woman wrote a couple of positive remarks, but then wrote that I don't always seek approval for website changes, which "doesn't build relationships and causes friction".

That only happened ONCE early on in my tenure when I didn't know any better, and the second time it appeared to have occurred was simply a misunderstanding. So, really, there was one time that it occurred and this woman's review made it seem like I do this kind of thing repeatedly.

So I told my boss yesterday that I don't feel this woman's review is fair OR accurate and that I would like the chance to speak about it. My boss will read this woman's comments and we will discuss it in next week's meeting.

My bonus percentage is directly correlated with the review process, including my performance as noted by 3 colleagues, myself, and my boss, and the overall performance of the company.

I am anticipating a mixed/negative review from my boss because I've dealt with bullying behavior from her at times, but I am seething over this colleague's assessment of me.

I've worked hard at relationship building with this woman's team. She leads a team and is based out of Missouri down south, so I never see these people face to face.

I need at least half of what my bonus could be, which is 10K maximum - so I need at least 5K for upcoming car and vacation expenses.

One colleague's review is still pending - and I am scared that hers will be negative too because I experienced a snafu with her during the Christmas rush. And I am counting on my boss to write some negative things, so I am very concerned at this stage that I will receive a poor review overall.

I am supposed to quit smoking today and I am so stressed about the review that I don't want to quit.

So, I am not sitting pretty as I had thought at work - I am on thin ice and it's scaring me. I don't think I will be fired, but I am extremely anxious about the outcome of my review. And it doesn't finalize until March, so I have to deal with the stress of it all until then.

I really don't want to quit smoking right now.