a little respect....(just a little bit)

First off: This is NOT about anyone at PC, or anyone even tangentially related to PC. I've had steam pouring out my ears for 2 days over it now, though, and I don't usually do that. So I'm hoping you'll indulge my rant, and a little gentle reminder I'd like to offer.

The reminder is: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is complete and utter CRAP. Please, please, please -- THINK before you hit send (on an email or forum post or text message) -- THINK before you open your mouth about whether what you're going to say is kind, or even necessary -- THINK about what you know about the person you're speaking to and what effect your words might have on them, given their history.

I learned very young and very quickly that speaking up -- whether to voice my needs, wants, or opinions -- would cause extremely bad and painful consequences. So I learned to shut the hell up, and to not make decisions. The end result as a grownup is that I frustrate the crap out of people 1) because I'm comfortable with silence and don't care to fill it up with mindless chatter (partly for fear of saying the wrong thing) and 2) I will NOT express an opinion unless pushed. A couple years ago, a group of friends and I got together for a long weekend. They decided the theme was going to be "teach Candy how to be assertive" weekend.

I had 6 people working on me for 4 days, and they all failed.

If you ask me where I want to go for dinner, I"ll say "oh, it doesn't matter, whatever you feel like." It doesn't matter if I'm starving for some particular cuisine and that only and really, really want to go to that particular restaurant -- damned if I'm saying so, unless you drag it out of me.

When I was 15, I sat on the stairs leading to the second floor of our house and listened to my parents in the kitchen discussing how they were certain they would never get out from under having to support me because I was too stupid to survive on my own.

When I was 22 and 6 months pregnant, I overheard my son's father tell someone that he was moving out because "we've proved we can live on our own without our parents and I don't need her anymore." (That's a direct quote, btw. Try getting THAT scar off your soul. Actually, given that my son turns 21 this year and I remember every word, it's not even a scar -- it's a permanently gaping wound.)

The other day, someone who knows JACK about my skillset but thinks she knows it all totally disrespected my knowledge, training, and decades of experience. I had my first article published when I was 13. I'm going on 44. I've won my share of writing awards. I have an advanced degree in a communications-related field. But, according to this person, I don't know what I'm talking about, because she's older than me and she has one more degree than I do and that makes her always right. And I am SO frosted.

And so I'm writing this partly to get up the courage to stand up to this person, but also just to remind everyone to PLEASE think before you speak, in either oral or written form. It will save a lot of hurt and a lot of tripped triggers. My whole life I've been told I'm stupid and lazy and I've worked my butt off to prove people wrong. To be shown that it's all gone for nothing is p*ssing me off.

/rant

Thanks if you got this far.

Candy

((((((((((((( Candybear ))))))))))))

I am sorry this person is treating you that way, I am sending you lots of hugs.

Oh ((((((((((((((candybear))))))))))))))) I am sending you so many hugs!!

I'm really sorry someone made you feel this way, you don't deserve it
(((((candy))))

I understand what you are talking about and I am so sorry that someone made you feel this way!

candy I sooo whole heartedly agree with you. I have had more words hurt me than hitting me ever did. I am so sorry someone hurt you. no one deserves that.

As a writer I am sure you know that words have incredible power. I too have a number of memories where people used words against me, to pound me flat or to slice and dice me or to brush me off like a tornado's wind. Sadly those memories seem to stick tighter than most of the good words people have spoken to me or about me.

I feel for you and hope you can work your way past these hurts and choose to believe the tangible evidence in your life testifying to your competence, ability and talent.

leslie

(((((((((((((( Candy )))))))))))))

You have always had the utmost respect from me I can tell you that much. I'm really sorry that this other person is so full of herself that she has stepped way out of line and was hurtful to you. I venture a guess that you are probably not the first to feel her biting tongue, nor will you be the last

In my eyes, the best thing I could come up with to say to her is this "You really have proved to me something I've always wondered about", and when she pipes up all wondering what it is that she has proven right to you (and I'm sure she would have a smug look on her face at this point), you tell her "That ignorance is truly blissful" and turn and walk away with your head held high and a spring in your step!

I hope you don't let one more day go by that she ruins anything for you hon.......don't give her that control over you, you deserve better!


sabby

(((((Candybear))))) Very good rant! I'd like to save it and show it to a few people in my life. I'm sorry you are feeling bad and have been hurt by some inconsiderate people. I know that really sucks!

God, I love PC. It's so nice to have a place (the ONLY place) where I'm understood. Thank you all.

Candy I'm so sorry that someone has been so insensitive toward you. I'm VERY sorry that your parents were not supportive in the least. I'm a firm believer of that old public service announcement "words hurt as much as a fist." Actually in my opinion words hurt much more and those wounds don't heal as well as skin and bones.

It's nice to know that you have friends that care so much about you. I hope someday soon you'll realize your own worth. Too many people resort to making themselves feel better by putting someone else down.

((Candy))
You deserve to be shown respect and courtesy. I'm sorry this person has hurt you...

This is one of my favorites:
"Also be kind to one another... words are important.
If you want to care for something, call it a "flower".
If you want to kill something, call it a "weed".
- Anisoquili (Many Ponies)

You are a special flower

Cap

That's really beautiful, Capp. I'm going to send that out to my email list (which is mostly friends and family), perhaps with a subject line of "HINT, HINT" .

I appreciate you all believing in me. It means a lot to me, probably more than to a lot of other people, because it isn't something I've gotten very much of throughout my life. Thank you.

More words to say to someone who hurts you: "May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose."

((((((((((((((( Candy ))))))))))))))

Love and respect to you always from me. (((((((((( Candybear ))))))))))

Sending and tons of respect to someone I know that is exceptionally talented and smart.

Mary Alice

All my life, I have heard the quote...".if you don't want people to know how stupid you are, keep your mouth shut"......therefore, it stands to reason, that I have worked very hard to get my education & my knowledge, but if I keep my mouth shut, then people will not know how smart I am & might take it for how stupid I am.

I found that the people I respected most in life were those who had intelligent opinions about the things they knew about. Not people who bragged, but who in daily conversation allowed me to know what they knew & who they really were. That included many of the PhD's I worked with in the aerospace engineering career I had.

Working around many extremely intelligent engineers, unless I was able to communicate with them & let them know that I knew what I was talking about, there was no way I would ever get their respect & I believe it should have been that way as we worked as a team.....not as individuals & if they couldn't trust that I knew what I was doing.....there was no way of having a team.

I found it amazing that with just a few right words (not throwing around buzz words) in the right situation, I gained the respect I deserved.....If I had kept silent....they never would have known that I had the intelligence. How would they know what I had done in the past or what I knew if nothing was ever spoken?

I learned early on that keeping silent only made me look stupid & I definitely knew I wasn't stupid.....so why would I feed into that thinking? I worked hard at my degree & at the skills I accumulated over the years.....there was no point in wasting in on silence at the right place & right time. I don't mean bragging.....that is one thing I have always hated. I found that people who bragged were usually trying hard to cover up their stupidity or actually showing it off with a huge red flag. That is why communication skills are so important so that intelligence doesn't come across as bragging but is the real intelligence.....& silence doesn't show up as stupidity......a true art.

The truly wise person is able to discern the right time & way to let out the intelligence without it showing as covering up the lack of intelligence.

As much as you learned not to speak up, I learned to speak up. I would never let people take advantage of me or the people around me (especially family) from the time I was a child. It showed up in college when I was doing some mindless work for some lame musician out of his house. Long before computers, he asked me to do some writing up of files on 3x5 cards & told me he would pay me so much for each card. I did what he asked & then he said he wasn't going to pay me what he told me he was going to. I refused to give him the cards & told him I would just as soon burn them as take less money than he had originally agreed to. Sure enough.....I wouldn't be bullied & he gave me the amount he promised. When I told my Mother about what happened, she was surprised that I had enough nerve to stand up for what I knew was right. That has always been my driving force was making sure that what was right was what was being done. I stuck up for many people who couldn't seem to stick up for themselves......but all the time wondering why they weren't able to.

Then another time, I saw my Grandmother ragging on my Mother (now I realize it was abuse that had always been there) at Christmas when we had gone to all the trouble of making it out to their home. I confronted my Grandmother & let her have it for talking to my Mother the way she did & my Dad was about ready to pack everything back into the car & leave. (I was in college at the time). That was the first time my Grandmother had been confronted for being that way & that finally ended her treating my Mother the way she did.......I didn't care if my Grandmothers feelings were hurt after all the hurting she had caused my Mother, it was about time she was confronted & stopped.

I had many times with animals that were being abused where I stepped in & confronted the person.....I just could not sit back in silence when I saw things that were wrong surrounding me.

So many people go around in their life oblivious to others around them, not realizing the hurt or problems they cause.....I have learned that confrontation in the right way really can make a difference in a very good way......sometimes it ends up requiring a few honest apologies, but the good that is done is so much more than the bad that would continue if silence had been my choice.

I found through the years (I am now 56) that I was more respected by people when I was able to voice my opinion.....if nothing more than about where I would like to eat if I really cared.....if I really didn't care, then I would be honest & express that also.....but I found that the respect came from being honest about things & showing people that I am a real human being who does care about things rather than wanting them to assume it with my silence.

I always tried to find my way around having my opinion & still not hurting people by the way it was worded. That I have to admit is a difficult art to master, but I knew people who were able to do that & used them as my example to learn from. I also was sensitive enough if I did hurt someone to know that I needed to apologize in a way they could end up feeling respected also.

I believe that we don't have to be silent to keep from hurting people.....but it's important to know the right words that can express what we are feeling without hurting anyone. I don't want to go through life without people knowing who I really am......but who I am doesn't want to hurt people either....it's a fine line.....but wow, did I respect the people who could do that in my life & tried to be that way as much as possible in my own life.

I struggled with these thoughts many years, so when I read your post, it really tugged at the thoughts I had struggled with.

I understand where you are coming from & completely respect why you feel that the way you do.......so please do not take these to be aimed at changing anything......they are just feelings I have had on the same subject....just looking at it from another perspective & I felt the need to express the other perspective that I have struggled so hard with.


Debbie

CandyBear

I'm sorry that this happened to you!! I hope you do take the opportunity to stand up for yourself and speak your truth!!

People like the one you mentioned just get me so.....

Keep your head up!!

Thank you ((((((Debbie)))))))), for your perspective. Part of why I'm afraid to speak up is because (as more than a few here could tell you, sad to say) I often am not the world's most diplomatic soul and I'd rather shut up than risk making the situation worse by getting myself verbally abused AND insulting the other person.

Welcome, Elysium, and thanks for the kind words and reassurance. PC is a great place for both.

to you both, and everyone else who responded to this thread I had totally forgotten about. LOL

You know, there is a piece of paper stapled onto a bulletin board in the resource room in school. It says "Sticks and stones may break our bones but words break our hearts."

Me personally? I've gotten many mixed messages about speaking my mind. My friends, and pretty much society in the US encourages me to speak my mind. That if you want something you have to say it or else you will never get what you want because nobody is psychic and you can't expect other people to take the time and effort to play 20 questions and figure out what you want. For many years, I was a very quiet person. I pretty much had no opinion growing up, and if I did, I really didn't have a qualm putting another person above me. Of course when I hit my tween years I started bickering a lot with people... then the message I got was "pick your battles" because it's not a good idea to assert how you feel all of the time and have to let a few go apparently for the sake of life running smoothly. So now, I've gotten a bit wiser about such things. Now though, even when I don't fight over what I think is right and wrong, even though now most of the time I'm complacent, I don't do one thing, one little thing for someone because it's not something I do- suddenly I become this selfish and immature person who never thinks about anyone else but themselves and parents thought they raised a better person and acts like their five. It's very frustrating...

Oh Candybear, you deserve more than a little respect -- you sounds as though you have used your strengths to follow and achieve your dreams, in spite of people from the past who tried to make you doubt yourself. Don't let them -- their comments were a reflection of their own issues and were about a you who was a long time ago, not the you that you've become as a mother, a writer, a woman, etc. Sometimes we give such power to comments like that, they stay in our head and we let them continue to define us, or hold us back, or use up our energy, even though they surely aren't worth it.

The same from the woman you're now dealing with . . . sounds as though you're dealing with someone who's either jealous or someone who is so insecure that she needs to put everyone else down in order to feel good about herself. Makes you wonder how much her respect would be worth anyway. That you're realizing this, that you know that she's full of it is just one more reason you should respect yourself and in the long run, our self-respect matters more than anyone else's.

Good for you!!

Love some of the responses offered here . . . what a wise and funny group!

Pssst. Love you. Sorry you got so triggered darling. And yes people should think. If I ever have triggered you in any way I apologize. SOmetimes my mouth(fingers?) run off without me.

looks like you & I have been sharing the same state of mind the last couple days....

Just another simple soul trying to find his way through this world letting you know I hear ya!

(((((((Candybear)))))))))),

I can definitely relate to this......I know that was why I was afraid to say anything when I was younger.....I was afraid that I would either say something out of anger or frustration in a way that would make the situation worse, or I would embarrass myself by saying something stupid or that didn't make any sense......or I would be shaking so bad, I would forget what I was trying to say right in the middle of what I was saying......so I wouldn't say anything & then after the fact, I would play through it in my mind & figure out what I should have said or what I really wanted to say that would have gotten my point across without creating bad feelings.

So years later.......I have finally figured out better how to say what it is that I want to say without hurting peoples feelings most of the time. The times now that I do hurt feelings is usually because I mean to.....because I have been pushed too far & it's about time they know it's not ok anymore.

The people I always admired were the ones who said what they needed to say in a very diplomatic way without sounding trite or condescending & yet got their point across......receiving respect while respecting others......that has always been my goal to learn the art of handling the situations I am in with the control of the conversation always in mind.....not to hurt, but to get my point across. The side effect is sometimes now, I end up more respected for having spoken up & made sure that the right thinking did not fall by the wayside because of people who shouldn't have their thoughts controlling everything.

I know until I felt able to handle my opinions in that way, I also kept quiet.......but they were inside bursting to come out & I was always feeling so frustrated by keeping silent & finding that the bad kept winning.........so I definitely knew I had to find the solution that worked for me.

I agree with you however....if I only make things worse, then it is wise to keep silent.......wisdom in the situation is what we should go with.

Debbie