[vacantangel]

I once was a person who was kind, caring, had much empathy for others and an overabundance of love to give. I would go out of my way to never cause anyone hurt or pain. But then the monster entered my life in 2001 and started to slowly swallow me up, bit by bit. It has dragged me down to it's lair more times than I care to remember, each time taking claim to a little bit more of what used to be. Several times it has almost been successful of swallowing the remnants of me whole but somehow there was enough of me left to stop it's evil goal. Today it took even greater hold of me and dragged me back down to the lair that I've come to know so well. I could barely hang on, I became desperate and my will was becoming the same as the monster's, to swallow what little is left of what was originally me, it was winning, I was desperate and sitting on the edge and could feel myself letting go, I first tried to stop it but my strength was diminishing, I was losing my grasp, the monster was getting a strong grip on me, as I was succumbing to this so powerful force, I started researching the net for what method I would choose. If I was to totally release myself to the monster, there could be no room for error, it had to be successful. I cried uncontrollably in desperation to fight yet with the same desperation I went from website to website for that perfect way that would complete the monster's ultimate goal on what's left of my life. The fight was so consuming, I kept thinking of a poem I had read here that I was determined would help me battle the monster, but I kept looking and looking from one site to next, reading feverishly. I shouted out to God. I needed to talk with someone specific but I knew that wasn't going to happen but in my desperate cries to God for that person to contact me, instead one of my cats came to me with his big loving eyes of wanting to be cuddled, like I wanted and needed all night. So, I picked him up and loved him the way I needed love tonight and the me from within gained some ground against the monster and I realized that my cats need my love, even if they are the only ones who do. So, for now the monster is quiet but leaves me battered and depressed but it still has a stronghold enough that anybody that should come near me will be battered and hurt. The monster has all but swallowed up the me that once was. I wish I could escape and be that loving person again that would never hurt anyone but the monster has taken claim and I'm almost no more.

The monster goes by the name of Bi-Polar with rapid-cycling. My fear is someday he will swallow the rest of me as every time we have this battle, there's just a little bit less of the me from within to carry on the fight.

[Sabrina_saw]

Angel Girl, you are so very hard on yourself. You are very ill and your reactions or responses are not your fault.

You still are kind and caring. And you have more than an overabundance of love to give. But you are hurting so badly right now that you just arn't able to give it. That's ok.

These are just words. They might not mean much. They probably won't help. But I do care. And I do worry. And most importantly, I do understand.

What happened AG? Want to email me?

S

(These two posts were deleted because they were hardly supportive. Please don't try and diagnose others on the forums; nobody finds such armchair labeling helpful, no matter how well-intended the thought was.)

Post deleted by DocJohn

[vacantangel]

Why are you doing this to me? I'm BP not BPD. I asked you not to post to me before and would like you to please respect that. Please don't continue to upset me. Can't you see I'm already feeling extremely depressed? I don't consider what you're doing very supportive, in fact, quite the opposite. Please just leave me alone. You're really upsetting me.

[sqrlb8]

I'm sorry angel. It hurts. You sound low enough to think about an ER visit. I don't really mean go to the ER, but think about it. You know you. On some level. Ask yourself if its time to check in, and look at your answer honestly. It's kind of an ongoing part of bp survival really. If you answer that your going to be ok, then take a deep breath and love up your kitties. Sometimes its just so much waiting. Let the world go to hell, it's not your problem, just hang on and wait it out.

Lol. I know you hate not getting responses, but is getting crap like this an improvement? sheesh.

Take care Angel.

I'm sorry you are feeling so awful. The mood changes must be just horrible. Maybe you can talk to your pdoc about a possible change in meds? Maybe there is something he/she can do to help?

Take care. emmy

[Isolated_Guy]

Angel Girl is back!!! When I visited the forum late last night and saw that one post you made about yourself, I felt horrible and helpless. What a relief to see you here this morning!

[vacantangel]

sqrlb - I did seriously consider going to the ER last night but I don't want to be locked up. That's my greatest fear. I did scare myself when I started researching methods and bookmarked sites last night. Thankfully one of my kitties brought me out of it, at least for now. I'm still extremely depressed but not suicidal. I was even too afraid to tell my T today about it. I thought she'd lock me up and I'm trying to avoid that at all costs.

em - I've asked for an increase in my ADs but my pdoc won't give it to me cuz she doesn't want me to go too hypomanic. I tried to explain to her that the depression episodes are much worse for me cuz I can tend to get suicidal but she held steadfast to her decision. I will ask her again when I see her next week.

isolated guy - I'm sorry I worried you with my other post, I'm assuming you're talking about the one that you took personally? I'm still here but I'm very, very fragile right now.

DocJohn - Thanks for taking care of those posts for me. I found them extremely upsetting.

>Please don't try and diagnose others on the forums; nobody finds such armchair labeling helpful.

I was not attempting to 'diagnose' or 'armchair label'. I was providing information on a disorder in which a number of symptoms co-occur.

My thought was that AngelGirl herself has expressed such symptoms. Perhaps I am wrong, but I thought it was fair to provide the information and let her take from it what she will. I said it was 'just a thought'. Not that I was maintaining it was the case (which would have been an armchair diagnosis).

>These two posts were deleted because they were hardly supportive.

I place high value on information.
Support is important, I agree
But sometimes it really doesn't help one progress
Or come to need less support...

See ya peoples.

I think what I am looking for is a little different to this place...

Thanks everyone.

[vacantangel]

Please stop posting on my threads. I've asked you more than once to respect my wishes. I've been diagnosed by a qualified psychatrist, I don't think you qualify to over-ride his diagnosis, nor do I want it. Again, PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

So, what about mood stabilizers? I know just about nothing about BiPolar meds, so have patience with me!

emmy

P.S. Good move John :-)

[Isolated_Guy]

AngelGirl, the post I referred to that upset me is the one where you gave the impression that you were going to do something drastic. I already said how I was wrong about the assumption of taking something you said as directed at me. You are so sensitive and I think that's a special quality that our mislead and messed up culture looks down on these days. There's too much of this macho/denial BS being promoted and I think it makes the truly good people such as yourself feel bad.

[vacantangel]

Hi em

I'm on a mood stabilizer already, plus 2 diff ADs and 2 diff tranquilizers.

[vacantangel]

Oh, thanks for clarifying that for me. Yes, I was going to do something drastic and it got pretty dicey for awhile. Thanks very much for your concern.

[TheCheshireCat]

Hullo kiddo, it's your guardian kitty,
Next time you feel the way you describe in this post, march yourself into the nearest ER immediately. Please, for my sake. Hospitalization is NOT "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" or "Girl Interrupted," and I feel fury at a mass media that has left those indelible images on the minds of people who are thinking of hurting themselves. Hospitalization saved my life. Not just in the obvious sense of sewing my left wrist back up, but also in helping my to reassemble a mind in tatters. Please don't fear hospitalization, luv. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Cheshire Cat

[gracetoo71]

cheshire cat is right. after years of depression and a second attempt, my sister ended up in the ER and then a mental health facility where she stayed for 2 weeks. it was as if the two weeks had erased the last 3-4 years of depression.

i was amazed at how much of a difference it made in my sister. they even explained to me what my sister was going through, as i was at a loss and had exhausted my resources in the 3-4 years of trying to help her. they got her meds. that actually worked.

it has been about 7 years since and she is doing good. she still has ups and downs, but they aren't as intense and she is in alot more control. i believe that trip the the hospital saved her life, twice over.

please, seek help if you feel that way again
take care,
grace

[gracetoo71]

depression wasn't my sister's only problem, there was a list of disorders they labeled her with. all i can remember were the extremes. one min. she would be ok, then next she would be tearing the house apart. even she couldn't explain it. it scared the hell out of me, and her too. that is why she attempted, because she couldn't control it. i am so glad she is stable
was going to edit my post, sorry, thought this was easier.
please take care,
grace

[vacantangel]

cat and grace

Thanks for your opinions on hospitalization but somehow the mere thought of it scares the crap out of me. I was almost involuntarily comitted last summer because of a family member. Just the process of being with the crisis unit and a pdoc at the hospital while detained in a very small enclosed room separately from anybody else in the ER was enough for me. If they had of deemed me unsafe to go home, they would've had the biggest physical fight on their hands than what they were probably expecting. I have horrible mental images of what it's like to be locked up in the hospital and they won't get me without a lot of kicking, punching, biting, screaming, whatever I could do to break free.

[silver_queen]

I imagine fighting would get you locked up far longer than going peacefully and hiding your symptoms would.

[nothemama8]

AngelGirl, I was in a State Hosp. in the old days when it was still like the snake pit movie, things have change so much, you can sign yourself in for 48 hrs or 72 hrs now, when I was in I got the proper care I needed I would have not be here today without hospitialization
Angie

[vacantangel]

It just TERRIFIES me!!!

[vacantangel]

Are you positive they'd let you go that quickly if you come in suicidal?

[nothemama8]

Honey as long as you get better that's whats important
Avatar is better, and signature is sooooo sweet
((((((Hugs)))))))
Angie