[vacantangel]

I think it is obvious to almost anyone who has been posting here in the last couple of days that I definitely have a lot of issues that need to be worked out in therapy.

I only started therapy in November, for the 2nd time around. My first therapist and I didn't click. I didn't like her style, that doesn't mean that my current therapist agrees with me on everything because that is certainly further from the truth. We just have a better reportee.

Anyway, initially we started out by dealing with whatever happened since my prior appt and I was seeing her every 2 weeks. Inevitably there was *always* something that I was dealing with, mostly with family members.

A few weeks ago, I asked to see her every week because I felt it would be more beneficial for me, with which she had no problem. Unfortunately, I went about a 6 week span where she was on vacation and I was left to my own devices and that was definitely not a good thing as I really haven't learned any coping skills yet.

As I said, we started by dealing with whatever had happened in my life between appointments. Last week when I was there she asked me everything that I hoped to accomplish in therapy. Geez, my list was endless. I have several traumas in my life that have never been dealt with and I'm know that they have a great impact on how I react to situations today ie: abandonment, rejection, lack of trust, feeling unloved, etc etc etc. I could probably go on forever.

I also mentioned to her that I have a severe lack of self-esteem and putting myself down, which had become apparent to her very early in my treatment. And of course there is my issue of not having any coping skills.

She thought we should start with my first trauma in my life, so we did. Caught me off-guard as I had no idea prior to walking into her office that we would be dealing with it. We certainly didn't get anywhere near finished with it and I also got some help here in the PTSD forum on the issue that I blamed myself even though I was a child at the time.

But now I'm thinking we should really change gears and drop the trauma issue for the time being and first work on my total lack of self-esteem. That's right, it's not low self-esteem, it is NO self-esteem. I'm seriously thinking of discussing this with her on Monday, which is my next appt.

So, after that long bit of rambling, I'd like to get opinions from others here. What do you think is the logical area that I should be working on in therapy right now? What do you think would be the most beneficial for me to deal with before anything else? I would also like to hear why you choose whatever you do as well.

Some people have told me that you really can't love anybody else until you can love yourself. I totally disagree with that. I have a LOT of love to give someone, I guess I just don't know how to give it properly and I tend to smother the person. I am NOT self-centered as some people think me to be, that is a great misunderstanding of my actions, whether those people want to be open to that or not.

So, I'm REALLY hoping that this thread won't be read by 50 people or more and only replied by a couple of people as a lot of my threads are for some reason. I *really* need some constructive opinions.

Also, if you agree with me that I should drop the trauma for now and switch over to my lack of self-esteem, I would like to hear how others here have dealt with this problem themselves because I highly doubt that I am the only one here with this problem.

So, PLEASE fire away. I'm looking for some real constructive advice and hoping that you won't just read this and move onto the next thread.

Thanks! Oh and btw, I'm not looking to be bashed, I'm looking for constructive opinions. There is a difference.

So?????????? (BTW, sorry this is so long, I've never been good with 'short and sweet', I usually write novels )

Oh, and as a reminder for those who don't know I have been dx with:

BPII with ultra rapid-cycling which means my cycles can switch several times a day without any warning, PTSD, SAD, Anxiety and God knows what else, but I'm sure there's more and I'm just forgetting at the moment.

So, please give this baby-work-in-progress some of y'alls good advice.

Oh, and just one more thing. It is obvious that my mood-stabilizer is not doing much for me, something I have already talked to my pdoc about several times. When I see her next week, I will be far more adament about that.

I NEED TO MAKE SOME REAL CONCRETE POSITIVE CHANGES IN MYSELF AND IT'S JUST NOT HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

[silver_queen]

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So, I'm REALLY hoping that this thread won't be read by 50 people or more and only replied by a couple of people as a lot of my threads are for some reason. I *really* need some constructive opinions.

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well, don't be too hurt by that. sometimes people read the thread and don't know what to say... just like I don't, in this case. i dont have any advice about how to target this aspect of your therapy. but i'm just saying i have read this and i hope that you manage to sort out an arrangement in therapy that you're comfortable with and which helps you.

[neri]

i'm there with silver

i'm so sorry, i only reply to threads if i feel i have something not totally idiotic to say. This of course isn't one of them . Just wanted u to know that not replying doesn't mean not caring.

[kimmydawn]

angelgirl, i don't think there's anyone who can answer the question about witch direction to take in therapy but you and t. i can say that there have been times where i've been working on a particular problem and we had to stop and deal with something else for a while because it was more prevailant at the time.

i would definitely discuss this with t and the two of you figure it out.

i wish you much luck.

[h0kie]

I have some errands to run today...but I will reply this afternoon/evening when I have more time to think and respond. Right now I am agreeing with what everyone has said so far.

Hope today is better.

[Fuzzybear]

I am sorry you're struggling so much AG. I agree with ozzie, and I would go for the two pronged approach in therapy.... working on your low self esteem and trauma simultaneously. Having said that, I am probably not the best person to give advice as I had a very painful therapy experience and haven't found a good therapist yet. I live in the UK and T's over here are not known for their compassion or competence.... especially in the Health "Service" As I'm sure you know it's very important to be as open and honest with your therapist as possible, including your feelings about the therapist and therapy. That way, misunderstandings are less likely to occur..... if you have a good T! Good luck!

Please take care of you,
Fuzzy

[h0kie]

First, no one here will bash you. We offer advice or suggestions...but we never bash. It's probably safe to stop putting that in your posts.

I think kd is right. We can make lots of suggestions, but we aren't qualified. The dual focus Ozzie suggested also sounds reasonable. However, I think you need to have good coping mechanisms in place before you begin any work into large traumas. That way you can deal with the feelings that arise after these sessions.

Thank you for sharing your diagnosis. It helps me understand you when you mentioned the ultra rapid cycling. I wish you luck on your journey. Please keep us posted on what happens.

[vacantangel]

Thanks for your reply. To my recollection, this is the only time I've mentioned 'bashing'.

My sister took my Mom to her GP today and he was appalled that they did not admit her to the hospital when I took her to the ER a few days ago. He spoke to somebody at the hospital today and my sister took her up there and she has now been admitted. I know she's in a place where she will get the care she needs and the tests run that need to be run and I'm extremely grateful for all that. But it doesn't eleviate my breaking heart. I'm definitely not dealing with it very well at all. My brother lives out of town and will be coming with his eldest daughter tomorrow evening. He and my sister are trying to help me through this plus my other crisis at the same time. It's very hard for me to see my mom like this. I'm extremely close to her and I'm just not ready for her to die. I think I will need to discuss this with my T and pdoc this week because I know I will fall apart far more than I am now. My mom now is not the same mom I had a few days ago and it kills me to see her having to deal with so much on top of her other disabilities. I just love her so much and I know how frustrated and scared she must be right now. It's just killing me. I'm having a very hard time pulling it together but the crisis center said my grieving over both crisis' is completely normal. God, none of this feels normal to me. So much incredible heartache, 2 major crisis at the same time.

[silver_queen]

(((((((((((((((((Angelgirl)))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry you're going through all this

[SeptemberMorn]

Hun, you'd be surprised how much your childhood, the traumas, etc color your present. Dealing with what happened to you in childhood can certainly help you begin to build your self-esteem. It sure did me!

You suppose you may want to side track because dealing with the issues is so painfull? Sometimes knowing is worse than not knowing what you have to deal with because of the apprehension. When I started dealing with my childhood, I found out all kinds of nasty things! It's no wonder I was such a mess. It was painful to the point of making me dissociate at times, but I got through it. In finding the errors of my upbringing, listening to the "old tapes" made me realize that "they" had been SOOO wrong and that the stubborn streak in me had been right from the start.

Whatever you decide, I wish you strength and courage to overcome your present limitations. You've got the seeds to that strength and courage already growing in you.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{AngelGirl}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[vacantangel]

silver queen, thanks for your kind words and hugs. They're very much appreciated. I have a very long and hard road ahead of me but I'm eager to make something positive out of this shell of existance.

[vacantangel]

Thanks september morn for your comments. I'm not trying to side-step my traumas because they are so painful but was wondering if it would be more advantageous to deal with the self-esteem and coping skills first so I don't continue to screw up my life currently. However, I do know that every trauma that I've dealt with has a real impact on how I behave today and I've never dealt with any of them. The hardest one I will have to deal with is the molestation by my father and for that one, I know my memories are true memories, unlike what I'm discovering about the attempted rape, not understanding now what is a memory and what was learned after the fact. It is very disconcerning to find out that something you thought you remembered like it happened yesterday and have continual flashbacks about, are not exactly as they happened. I'm having a very difficult time with this.

Yes, I know it is very painful to bring up traumas from your past. You are really reliving it all over again, something very painful and not what you want to do but also very necessary to do if you are to find any positive way to try and put it behind you and not have it continue to affect your life currently.

I haven't disassociated but there is a huge period of time in my life that is completely blocked out, like my emotionally abusive marriage. I only remember the last 6 months of it which were absolutely horrendous. I think our minds do this in order to save us from some pain that we are not able to handle at the time.

It sure didn't help that I'm dealing with my first childhood trauma at the same time as dealing with 2 current major crisis. All 3 things at the same time are totally overwhelming for me.

I wish I could see the seeds and strength in me that others see. I view myself as a completely different person, very, very fragile and with everything I'm dealing with now, I certainly feel anything but strong and my family would most likely agree.

Anyways, thanks again for your comments. Very much appreciated.

[SeptemberMorn]

You can be strong and have fragile areas and visa versa. I do. But oh well. "I yam what I yam!"

I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

[vacantangel]

I suppose you're right on that, I'll have to give it more thought and see how it might apply to myself.

Thank you for your well-wishes. You are a very thoughtful person.

[tootercat]

Angel,

As someone who has been "therapized" since my 20's and I am now 47 I am going to say to you "There is no quick fix". Therapy helps (at least for me) a little bit at a time and not everything gets "fixed" or even "covered". I am a member of AA and one of the things that is said in there is "more will be revealed" and that is meant over a period of time. In keeping with that thought "One day at a time" means (again for me)"one thing at a time". With respect to all of the crisis' that are going on TRY to prioritize them and ask for help!!! My own lack of self esteem led me to believe that I was not worthy of asking for help and that I was a pain the ***** if I did. I have come to find that in asking for help it gives others an opportunity to give back and/or just be of service because they can. The worst anyone can do is say no. And if they say YES don't feel obligated to them. (I've been really good at obligatory)

Back to therapy. Let your T help you to figure out the order in which you should work on yourself. And if she can't or won't do that then look for someone who will (if you can)If you knew what to do you wouldn't need to see her!
Be okay with being a work in progress....and if it's 2 steps forward and 5 steps back well at least you had the 2 steps! I hate to keep AAing you but it has helped save my butt many a day still and I am 15 years sober; anyway, it's "Progress NOT Perfection".

Most people are understanding and want to help. Try not to focus on the negative responses. Some people are afraid of what pain you're in and that is a defense mechanism (at least that is now my perception) Or there are just some not very nice people who just plain want to mess with others. Let DocJohn and the other Admins deal with them. Easier said than done I know.

All of this being said...I am not bipolar and am not familiar on a personal level with the symptoms so bear with me if I haven't addressed your needs accordingly.

I know there is a place called peace. I get to visit it from time to time when I am in touch with my spirit and not with my demons.

I wish you love, hope, and strength,
Pam

[vacantangel]

Hi Pam

First, congratulations on your 15 years sobriety. I'm very proud of you. That is a great feat and obviously a lot of hard work and determination on your part.

I never meant to imply that there was a quick fix. I know that I'll be in therapy for many years, maybe the rest of my life for all I know. Nothing comes easy, it is a lot of hard work and reliving some painful times that you would just soon not but have no choice if you want to make any head-way on becoming a better person.

My lack of self-esteem tells me the same as yours did, I really feel like I'm a pain in the ### right now and most people are probably at this point sick of seeing me talk about it. For those reasons, I have not asked for any help here. I am getting help IRL, some from my family, but since they are also dealing with the same crisis, they can only provide so much support for me, they also have to think about themselves even more so and I understand that.

As for my other crisis, I don't think it is appropriate to discuss on the board. Bad move. I think most people here should know what it is and if they choose to PM me then I will take support that way.

I have received one PM that was very unsupportive regarding my mother and I chose not to deal with that person. She doesn't know me or my family and had no right to make the kind of assumptions that she did. Other than that 1 PM, I've received great support via PMs for both crisis'.

They both involve people that I love very deeply and I am completely overwhelmed with each of them singularily and having to deal with both at the same time is way too much for me to bear at this point in my recovery. I'm doing the best I know how.

I've had an emergency session with my T and also been to the crisis unit at the ER at the local hospital, where I was assessed and counciled by both a pdoc and a psychologist.

I have my normal weekly session with my own T on Monday and my normal bi-weekly session with my pdoc on Wednesday.

In regards to your comment 'one day at a time', I'm taking this 'one minute at a time'. That's the only way I can handle it. The situation with my mom is ever-changing, even within a given day.

I will definitely talk with my T on Monday on what she thinks would be the most beneficial in prioritizing all my issues. Finding a T here is not such an easy task. I can't afford to pay for one so I must rely on one that is through a hospital. Then they have this stupid rule that you must get one through the hospital that you live closest too. That really narrows down your options. I'm on my 2nd therapist from that hospital, my current being much better than my last. Hopefully, she will be able to help me learn how to deal with my life. I'm thinking of finding another group therapy as well. I just finished one on BP just before Christmas. I would like to find one on coping or stress management. I will talk to both my T and pdoc about what is available and what they think would be most beneficial for me. Maybe even the crisis hotline might be able to steer me in the right direction.

I have a very difficult time not focusing on the negative, my entire life has been one negative thing after another but I'm trying even though it might appear that I'm not. Why are people afraid of my pain? Is it a possible trigger for them? I do have a definite problem when somebody posts something about me that is not true. I feel the need to defend myself as I'm sure most everyone does. I don't think there would be very many people here who would want untrue statements posted here about them for others to read and believe are the truth because they weren't defended.

I'm longing to find that place you call peace and have been my entire life. I personally feel it is the single most important thing in life because if you have peace then everything else fell into place that you are comfortable with. Peace is my ultimate goal. Part of finding peace for me is being loved, not just by my family or forum members, but a romantic love. That seems to elude me. I really feel that it's not going to be in my future and right now that brings me anything but peace since I crave it so much. I need that romantic love. I'm not ready to give up on it but at the same time I don't think I'm ever going to get it either. That makes me incredibly sad. I did have it until extremely recently but lost it. Once again I screwed up and lost somebody that I truly love and it hurts like HELL; hence my other crisis. Without that, I'll never have peace.

Thanks for your words of wisdom and your well-wishes.

Love, hope and strength. The three things that are the highest on my list. With them I would have peace.

I wish you the same love, hope, peace and continued success in your sobriety.

[SpazKatt]

Sorry I don't have much to say but *HUGS*

[gardenergirl]

AG,
I've been thinking about your question. It's hard in therapy when it feels like you could go in many directions at once. But I think that before you delve too deeply into trauma work, it might be helpful to work on coping skills. Given how much stress you are under, adding "tools to your toolbag" for stress can only help. And then maybe the trauma work won't be so devastating.

Just a thought...

gg

[vacantangel]

gg

I think you're right. The status of my mental health has deteriorated greatly since I started this thread. I'm now barely hanging on.