This is me... apparently

So, I'm a binge eater. And I have been for four years now. I've had body-image issues since I was nine - parents do have a tendency to get into your head - and now I'm twenty years old.
This spring was the first time I managed to go 30 days without binge eating, the longest before that was 14 days during the fall of 2012. In March, I did my 30 days, in May I did 21. This past Tuesday, I just messed up again after another 21 binge-free days. And I feel so stupid. Since then, four days now, I've eaten... everything. I let my guard down the last time I went grocery shopping, thinking that I could keep good, healthy food in the house and make some delicious choices instead of eating the same thing every day. I stocked up for a month... and now, I've pretty much eaten it all.

Now I feel so stupid. I had a horrible summer, gained weight in a couple of months. And every time I binge, I think "this was the last time", "tomorrow" - that's my favorite. Tomorrow. What a joke.

I hadn't seen a single person all summer, feeling so horrible about myself. Then, I took charge and on Tuesday, I went to the first lecture of the semester, feeling great about myself. Came home... and everything just... Now, I'm planning to skip lectures, counting the days until I absolutely have to meet people again and trying to figure out if I'll feel as bloated again. I wonder which clothes will hide the weight I will have gained.

It's disturbing. I'm not well, and I don't know what to do. I've completely alienated myself from everybody in my life, not because of my body-image but other circumstances, and I have panic attacks at the sheer thought of seei yA583242 ng a therapist - I'm not ready to talk about everything that's happened over the past 20 years.

And even as I'm feeling horrible, nauseous and bloated, all I can think of is "since I've already gone there, I may as well". GAH! I'm not starting tomorrow, I'm starting right now. I have to. I just want to be healthy, not skinny (that's never been a goal, I like fit) or have any attention (that's not something I'm comfortable with) but just to be healthy. Not skipping buying food that I enjoy just because I know that I can't have a little bit of it if it's in the house.

Apparently this is who I am right now, but it's not who I want to be. That ought to count for something, right? It's just food, necessary but not something that should be able to control me. So, here I am, taking another shot. This time slightly more publicly than I'm used to.

DoNot, I read your message, and I felt like it was written about me.
It brought me to tears. I am sitting here crying my eyes out

We are binge eaters - and that takes courage to say
I ashamed, and I need help.

I am so glad that you posted this. I don't feel so alone anymore

I keep reading this over and over.
I wish I could give you a big hug because you are an amazing person
to have so much sense of self

For your bravery and sharing

Thanks for being here

Dear Do not Want this,
You are NOT alone! I felt the same way until I wandered after a lot of suggestion from a friend into an O/A meeting. At first, I thought I'm NOT like "THOSE people", I don't have to go to Meetings- that's CRAZY!! Etc, But In the end I've found, for ME- that MY behavior around food is NOT what "normal" people do with food. They eat when they're hungry for starters and then stop!(I don't-I eat past fullness,sanity,in the middle of the night,in secret, etc... You know where I'm going with this.....behaviors that people who eat a tidy meal, turn the lights off in the kitchen and go to bed do not do). Imagine a ROOM FULL of people who get all of the crazy secret things you do/have done with food-that's O/A. You learn solutions and tools to love yourself away from destructive behaviors when you're ready... hope to see you there! Good Luck!

I'm so sorry that you're in the same boat. I wish you didn't have to be. But we can do this.

I messed up today - huge. And I still "want" more. I've been having rocky days since Friday when I last binged. I scheduled an appointment with a therapist on Friday night for Tuesday morning. Come Monday night, and I cancelled it. Waited for the office hours to end so I could call the answering machine and cancel, too. Just as I waited until the last possible second on Friday to schedule the appointment - no chance that they would be able to bring me in then.
All of Monday night, yesterday and this morning, I have been balancing on the edge, then at around 10AM I fell over. On the wrong side.
But I still think I can do it.

I've had three successes this year, the longest a month, but they still count. I have a goal now - Christmas! It's roughly 100 days away and I really want to reach triple digits. And I want to throw out the 1,5 pints of Ice Cream that I'm staring at right now. Went and bought them earlier, and a box of chocolates. But I don't want them. I feel disgusting, bloated and nauseous because of all the food I ate even before I bought the sugar.

I joined a website where I literally just bet myself that I can go 5 weeks without binging - and I'll have to pay money each week I can't make it. I'm a student - if I can spend money I don't have on food for my binges, I can put it down on hope, too. If I don't binge, no money spent. If I do, I'll have to actually pay for it. It's worth a shot!

Standup2me - we can do this. I truly believe that we can. The three weeks I went without overeating, I kept repeating "It's just food", trying to make it less significant.

It's just food.

Today I just ate all day. Several servings of muesli, cereal, yogurt, sunflower seeds and hot chocolate. Then finished off the pint of Ben & Jerry's and a few spoons from another one. 30 nougat candies... and I honestly don't know why.

Well, I know why I feel bad, however, last night, I didn't even have a nightmare. That usually triggers it. I've just been hearing echoes of things my parents used to say and do. Mostly my father's insistence that I was going to grow up to be mentally ill and that he should send me to a mental institution - evidently he didn't have the energy to take care of me. I was a real horror, worrying that I would miss the bus to school since my brother and I were home alone and we lived rather far away from the school and there was only one bus all day. Yes, I've always been a worrier, but I still honestly think that it was a good question for an eleven year old girl. I was lucky growing up, so many have it so much worse, however... I can't seem to let it go.

Anyway, tip of the iceberg, and I poured it into food. I don't know why I can't just move on. I live in a new city, moved away from my father when I was fourteen and except for still being my mother's sounding board/psychiatrist/mother/friend, I haven't really spoken about me much with her, it's just a smart choice because she has a tendency to love being the one with information to tell people about - whatever it is.

By the way, I don't mean to put this on anybody, I just need to write it off my chest and maybe someone have a tip or something, I'm sorry for this but I'm honestly not sure of what to do.

My mom has a lot of her own problems and she's always needed me more than I've needed her, and it's okay. I've always been able to help her - she always tells me that I always say the right things... I just don't know how to fix myself. My words seem emptier when directed towards myself.

The human mind. There can't be a more confusing jungle out there.

Oh, and I've decided on one thing - I'm going to get a job. I think that's a good step to a social life and just to get me out of the house and away from the boredom and temptation. Maybe that will be helpful.

DoNot, that is why we are all here
We are with people who understand
We are safe here

It is just food and it does not control me

Well, I think i finally finished binging. It was a horrible day and while I'm disappointed - incredibly so - I guess that there's no other way than up.

I'm nauseous and bloated. I'm sad, feeling pathetic and angry... but, I'm going to do this. It's going to be okay - I guess that's all I can focus on. I really want to be healthy, able to have food in the house that's good and just have a little of it. My goal is to make it to Christmas without sweets and binge eating. It's my goal. And to get back out among people.

[QUOTE=Camarillo91602;3988904]Dear Do not Want this,
You are NOT alone! I felt the same way until I wandered after a lot of suggestion from a friend into an O/A meeting. At first, I thought I'm NOT like "THOSE people", I don't have to go to Meetings- that's CRAZY!! Etc, But In the end I've found, for ME- that MY behavior around food is NOT what "normal" people do with food. They eat when they're hungry for starters and then stop!(I don't-I eat past fullness,sanity,in the middle of the night,in secret, etc... You know where I'm going with this.....behaviors that people who eat a tidy meal, turn the lights off in the kitchen and go to bed do not do). Imagine a ROOM FULL of people who get all of the crazy secret things you do/have done with food-that's O/A. You learn solutions and tools to love yourself away from destructive behaviors when you're ready... hope to see you there! Good Luck! [/QUOT

What? Eat only when you are hungry?
What kind of silly talk is that?
(kidding)

I find it so strange that when coming out of the haze, I always feel invincible. Those strong cravings can last for days - making it seemingly impossible to resist... Then suddenly, something just snaps and everything goes back to normal. It feels ridiculous that just two hours ago, I was practically in agony. It's just food - right? Because I "came out of it" about half an hour ago, and feel as if going until Christmas without binging is the easiest thing ever. It's just food!

What changed?

I do that too
I think that it is because I tell myself (over and over and over....and over....) that I am not going to let these ba***rd chips, or cookies..etc take control over me.

Sometimes it works

Does this make any sense?

The thing I love about my CBT therapist is that he is helping me understand that small incremental changes are "ok" and that I don't have to listen to old stuff in my head, my parents' critical and judgemental "tapes". Whatever I would do growing up was "never enough".

He is very supportive and nonjudgemental. He looks at me like he likes me and cares about me, not as someone gross.

A good therapist won't judge you or move faster than you can. Hope you reconsider!

I'm glad that you have a good therapist - I just don't think I can. I'll keep trying.

I messed up again. The past two weeks have been insane - I've barely studied and in 15 days, I have a huge exam... and I'm more worried about how I'll look than how I'll do. I just keep binge eating and crying. Reaching a point where I feel great and then I plummet. For the past 10 days, I've wanted to just sell all of my stuff and move away - start over. But it's the same thing over and over again - if I run, will I follow? I probably can't outrun this - all I can do is keep trying, I guess.

So, tomorrow is a new day. Now, I'll just have to stop and now go to the store and buy the two pints - yes, two - I'm craving. Because they will only make things worse. Ironically, my plan is the same as always, wait until as few people as possible can see me - hence, when it's dark outside and it makes more sense to wear a heavy coat. I'm that uncomfortable in my own skin, so why would I keep binging today and make it worse?

I told my mom about being depressed and BED and a lot of things. Her response. She sent me a 200 gram chocolate bar.
I'm literally crying right now. I debated myself for about an hour and then threw it in the trash, but I know that I have to take it out because otherwise I might end up eating it anyway. I feel disgusting. Haven't even had breakfast yet - part of the bargaining. But I will, a healthy yogurt. I went ten days, binged on Sunday and now I'm back to fighting again.
Though this "kind gesture" makes me want to beat the crap out of myself. I just want to scream.

I feel horrible - my mom was trying to be nice, but I'm so mad at her right now. For her, it's just food and she's always been naturally slim and never really worried about her appearance - not even as a teenager. I've been on a swing since I was 12, a fraction of a second down-time, then I ruin it. I ate healthily all of March and felt comfortable with myself, binged all of April, ate healthily in May and felt comfortable, then binged all of June and July, ate healthily in August and binged during all of September.
I tried to explain it to her, while I loved her for thinking of me, it was really not good for me. I tried to compare it to virtually sending drugs to a drug addict - maybe not my most eloquent moment because now she's not speaking to me.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom, DoNotWantThis. I can see you're really struggling and it's careless at best for your mom to send you a chocolate bar.

My mom used to kick me when i was down -- if i was dieting and blew it and had something naughty she'd gloat. Why are moms like this?

Oh and the "eat this, I made it just for you", and then a little bit later you get "are you putting on more weight?"
My Mum drives me mad