[Desirae2]

I'm beginning to realize that I am not cut out for this anymore. It was an entirely different thinking a year or two ago. I was able to face my children and care for their every need and want. I truly loved them in every element. I know people may pass their judgement on my feelings. As harsh as you may want to say it, I'm sure I deserve it. I'm a lousy person, a lousy mother. Today I said no more then 10 words to my babies and I was with them all day today. I can't care to take care of them....it's been this way for awhile now and it seems to be getting worse. My husband is aware of this, he has forced me to put them in daycare, that way he knows they are being fed.

I want them to have a better home with better parents. I want them to be loved endlessly no matter the situation. I want them to have selfless loving parents with a good home and good careers so they can be provided with whatever it is they need or want. I want them to be spoken to as they are loved and cherished. I am unable to provide this for them. I am not even able to give them a bed, potty train them, feed them correctly, and love them fully.

I've failed at the job that mattered the most and I find this crushing. I'm tempted to leave here and not ever look back again....this is not the instinct of a mother not even an animal. I'm lower than that.

I'm sure I will regret posting this, but it's something I can't hide anymore......I truly need help and lots of it.

[muse]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Desirae))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm so sorry you're going through this--there are few pains worse than what you're feeling!! It's obvious, though, that you truly DO love and cherish your children (and there's no WAY you're lower than an animal! You're most definitely feeling a mother's love for these kids), but you're having a very difficult time expressing it. Do you have any idea why this is? It might be a good idea to look into your self, into your past/present, and into your surroundings, and try to figure out what's causing you to have trouble caring for your children.

Are you in therapy at all? If not, you might seriously want to consider talking to someone before you choose to do anything too drastic. What you're feeling and doing (or finding yourself unable to do) could very well be a managable, fixable problem that you can overcome with strength, resilience and help.

Another thing--have you expressed these thoughts to your husband? He, more than anybody else, needs to be here for you right now, but if he doesn't know that you're hurting so badly over this, he might find it more difficult.

Lastly, if you need help, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!! All the folks here on PC are 110% willing to talk, help, and support you (including me!), so please don't regret posting--it may well help more than you think.

PM me anytime,
special luck&love,
~muse

[InACorner]

first of all....admitting this problem means you do love them and cherish them and want the best for them....the next step is action...i highly recommend what muse said about seeking therapy...and if y our kids are old enough to remember this maybe they should go to?? They might be too young and if they are...thats great..you can start brand new and it wont have to much of an affect...except for malnutrition....malnutrition can cause severe brain damage as well as physical damage..so that would be a good thing to start with.....also have you ever thought maybe if your feeling good thats when you should get all their lunches and breakfeasts and snacks out ...so that they can just grab it from the table when they are hungry?? So if you forget or just physically and mentally cant thats ok they have something healthy within reach? What is your husband doing to help you? He cannot cook dinner a few nights?? And play with the kids??? Always remember if you cant say much to your children and dont have enough energy....at least say i love you.....thats three words....TRY ....i know its hard..believe me alot of us know and i know you know...but i think if you get on some meds and/or start taking better care of yourself as well then it will be benefical all around...Im guessing your a stay at home mom? Since your kids are home all day? Well what if you put them in Daycare to get them with kids their own age so they can play and have fun and you get a part time job...nothing stressful or laborous...but just something part time to get you out in the world..something that gets you away from the house once in awhile? I think that would help tremdenously...change of scenery...and do things for yourself once in awhile like in the evenings...go excerise..do yoga...take art classes..go back to school ....involve yourself in an activity that you enjoy...and when your children get older involve them as well and then thats spending time together doing things you BOTH like to do...try to break out of the negative to see the positive....its hard and will take some dedication but knowing your a good mom to begin with by admitting this will help alot and will definitly be a good jump start with future enhances between you and your children...how old is your youngest? You might have Postpartum depression...and thats nothing new ...even celeberity mothers have admitting to forcing themselves to feed their children...and you can have that kind of depression alot even if your kids are like three..if you had it the first time and gone untreated it probably has gotten worse throughtout your other pregnenies...id check with a doctor on that one....good luck and keep us up to date on your progress!!
love, Inny

[muse]

[capricorn]

Dear Desirae2,
I wish you could feel the huge cuddles being sent your way by all of us (can I speak for us all here?) upon reading your post.
Feeling such desperation and self-doubt is a very heavy weight. There are alot of women, out there, who feel the same way you do, at some time in their 'mothering' life.
You sound like a loving mother and a wonderful person. Your concern for their care is evident of that.
You seem emotionally overwhelmed, which in turn will affect all you do each day.
Do you have a GP that you can trust, as a start and perhaps get in touch with the (recognised) post natal depression organisation in your state. Now, I'm not labelling you with 'post natal depression', but some of the symptoms you describe are typical of pnd and you could have a talk to them about what you're feeling at the moment. All of these people can provide counselling for you or refer you to another 'helper'.
Maybe there are some other issues in your life, having an adverse effect on your psyche/happiness at the moment.
There is nothing to be ashamed of reaching out for some help. By posting your message for us to read, you've begun the process of asking for advice and/or expressing your current fears. I applaud you.
I wish you well with a huge hug.

[January]

(((((((((( Des ))))))))))))

You just proven that you truly love your children beyond all things. Des, you need to go to your pdoc and explain what is happening and get some help. I don't know if you have a pdoc or t, but you can and will get better. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but there is hope.

Please send me a pm anytime. I'll help anyway I can.

Hugs,

Jan

[Desirae2]

Thanks all for your loving support. I was expecting negativity towards this post because it's so upsetting. I sure wouldn't say it allowed amongst the people around me, I fear they would not understand my true intentions. Today's another day, and so was yesterday. I already feel much better as far as my children and I go. I took them to daycare and the changes we've been experiencing after three days is enormous and positive. My little boy is intrigued with learning, I sense that is apart of me in him because I was always the same way as a child. He recently turned three and can write his name (sideways but still), I find that fascinating.

I feel much better today and I did yesterday as well towards them. We had loads of fun last night, worked on potty training, and colored together. I didn't cook but we went to the Chinese buffet instead. As far as feeding them goes it's not that bad, it's just the motivation to do it. If I feel to down I pop a kids cuisine in the microwave and that keeps them happy, but the majority of the time I cook (at the best of my abilities!)..haha.

It will get better, and I'm sure I will have my lows again, especially during the summer when my classes end. But with the daycare three days and week and my job I will be busy enough to distract myself when I get to this point.

I appreciate you all, thank you for understanding.

Des

[muse]

((((((((((((((((((((Desirae)))))))))))))))))))
That massive hug? That's a massive CONGRATULATIONS!! hug!

I'm absolutely delighted to hear that you're doing better!! You might still want to seek some help on this issue, just to be sure it won't bother you again if (or, considering how well you're doing, maybe I should say WHEN) you surmount it on your own.

Two things you must always remember, no matter WHAT comes your way: I am a good mother, and my children love me.

That's it. Repeat that to yourself as many times as needed until you know it's true. We all know it is, and it's fantastic that you are seeing it as well!!!!!!

luck&love,
~muse