[ihave3girls]

Hi !! My 10 year old daughter says she hates me, she will not talk to me or look at me. From the time she is up in the morning to the time she is in bed at night ,she is in a bad mood... I try to talk to her but she will talk back to me or roll her eyes or try to discipline me.. I don't know what is wrong with her??? I am very worried!! Also she is very jaleous of me and her father . When we kiss,hug, old hands she will come between us and tell me don't touch my daddy. The other day he kissed me ,and she told him that because he kissed me she will kiss a boy at school??????? I need help

She doesn't hate you. I think she's playing games with you, trying to undermine your authority and it's working and she's got you eating out of the palm of her hand.
Be firm with her-punish her when she rolls her eyes at you or tries to discipline you (? what's that all about? She's 10 years old-YOU'RE THE AUTHORITY FIGURE-NOT HER)-make her clean the bathroom and don't let her use the computer, go out or watch tv until it's done and it's done well whenever she behaves that way.
DO NOT COO HER!
When she butts into you and your husband's relationship-again, tell her to go busy herself with a chore and the same rules apply until it's done and done well. She's got a lot of gall doing that to you.
Let her know that you love her but do not let her get away with this because otherwise this acting up is only going to increase and get worst as she hits the teenage years and then you'll have a really big problem on your hands.

[Soidhonia]

Hello.
I am sorry to hear that you re having problems with your daughter. Have you thought about getting professional help for your daughter. Sometimes when girls have low self esteem they will transfer their affection to the father. I feel that your daughter is really struggling at this time with her identity and needs a professional to help her sort out her feelings at this time. Also maybe letting her do more things in the kitchen with you would help as well since she seems to be needing your attention at this time. Her behavior may be due to feeling overwhelmed with life at this time. I hope the best for you take care and good day. Soidhonia

[Rhapsody]

I personally do not think she HATES YOU, but she is upset with you or some thing in life right now...... try to look at her as a mini version of you and ponder why you your self might react as your daughter now is - and then maybe in the thinking you can come to a reason as to why and then talk to her about it.
.... some times females will engage another as to reconnect - to bond, but once again.

PLUS..... is any thing going on in your family or present life style that may be the reason behind her feeling of being left out all of a sudden? - I ask this, for from my POV - your daughter is crying out for attention and much needed love (from her side of the fence).

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[nothemama8]

all children need to be given choices, when she acts out ask her what she thinks should be a proper choice of say 3 things, does she have chores, tell her when she stops acting out she doesn,t have to do that chore for the week

i agree with angie. my granddaughter was behaving poorly and we stripped her room of all of the niceties and she is slowly getting her stuff back. she has made a complete turn for the better. she is 8.............

[sabby]

My experiences when my kids told me they hated me didn't mean the hated me, just hated the decisions or things I did.
And sometimes it was a way for them to verbalize their dislike about something and it was the only way they knew how to say it.

I am curious if this is your middle child. Middle children very often have issues with feeling left out of the loop. They aren't the oldest and not the youngest and sometimes their needs aren't met like the other kids are. I'm not saying that parents do this intentionally, but it just happens sometimes and parents need to be aware of that.

Maybe if you can put aside some special time each week for the two of you to do something fun together....no strings attached. Something that is not hung over her head and taken away if she behaves poorly during the week. The only way she should loose that special time with you is if she behaves poorly during the time you are spending together.

I wish you and your family well!

Hugsssssss
J

[ihave3girls]

Thankyou very much everybody for your help!!!!! . I will work on her self estime and make sure I spend time with her. I always have that excuse that I am busy with the babys wich they are 2 and 3..... But I will take the time from now on... Thankyou again,

[capricorn]

Hi ihave3girls,
You mention in your last post that you have two other very young children (as well as the other info you gave us).
Ta daaaaa! I think she (10 year old) is jealous of the attention the younger ones are receiving and of the attention (cuddles etc) you and your husband give each other. (Which by the way, affection is a great thing )
She may be feeling left out, even though that was not intentional on your behalf. Being a busy mum and wife, it is hard to 'divide' loving attention completely evenly between all family members (let alone give some to yourself )
I reckon, be understanding of where she (10 y.o.) is 'coming' from and don't punish her for her, perhaps, feeling left out a bit. She just needs reassurance that she is and always will be a unique and wanted part of the family. She may think, "why am I being punished for (obscurely/acting-up) showing my fears?"
Pandering to bad behaviour isn't healthy, but spending some one-on-one and 'all-in' family time together could go down a treat with her.
Maybe she's feeling everyone else in the family is being made to feel special except her. She just needs some reassurance and to feel needed too.
I have three kids, close in age, and understand that, though it's not easy sometimes, we need to be aware of what they are feeling and perceiving about how they are placed in the most special 'place' in their existance, their family.
Wish you well

[lil_bit]

hi ihave3girls,
I think your situation is very similiar to the way that i acted when i was around ten. I said i hated my mother, bad mood, constantly aloof....for me it was the result of past lack of affection (as others have mentioned.) and i turned this into aggression, perhaps she is doing the same thing?

It reminds me of a basic freudian principle, going back to the oedipus complex, penis envy, etc. In this case the root is jealousy which, in turn, could relate back to affection.

I've agreed with the others for the most part here, but on one thing i disagree. IMO (and having been in your daughter's place once) i don't recommend militant scolding for her behavior. I am not by any means saying her actions are "right" or "okay", but they have a deeper root i believe and scolding her immediate expressions of those emotions may only worsen the situation.

gl

[darkeyes]

I agree 100% with what Jax just said.
You cannot allow your child to control you, nor should you fear her. The more you allow this, the worse it's going to get. It may even benefit y'all to seek a child psychologist, or family counseling, if once you have set certain rules,discipline and you aren't getting any positive results.
We love our kids, but by letting them rule only hurts them more, besides you, and the future can be shaky.
Lots of luck with this.
Take care,
DE

I would try spending more time with her doing things that only she likes (and not group things to appease the other children). HOWEVER, I would say if things dont improve in a few months, maybe you should think about therapy if things are bad. I would hate for this to be a symptom of something bigger and for us all to dismiss it as some sibling jealousy or middle child syndrom.