Puzzled

Hi there,

I'm really puzzled about the actions of my former very N trait partner. The relationship broke down about 6 months ago to the point of no return but I also was employed by him. I kept my job and minded my own business but he was displaying very toxic behaviour not towards me but around me where I could witness it. I decided to quit - the contract I was on runs out end of January 2015. I asked for my letter of reference and my letter of dismissal on the spot - he turned around and said he would pay me until the end of the contract as agreed but not to bother coming to work again.

He has been paying me fortnightly. I'm really puzzled? He is not the type to pay someone to do nothing? I have had no contact nor have I wanted to make contact with him. Any insights would be greatly appreciated :-)

Why he would pay you through the end of your contract sounds like more of a logistical decision, based on what he thought might be best for the company and for himself, and perhaps also for you but likely not as a primary factor if he is as you describe, than one related to anything particularly related to aspects of disordered thinking.

If you indeed look upon the relationship as having been toxic, it's probably best to just be glad for the accommodation of what amounts to severance pay, while not looking to read anything more into it; just my opinion.

yeah it sounds like vonmoxie is right.

Hi and thanks for the reply. This sounds right. He would not have wanted to take the risk that I would give the reason that I left his employment to any new employer was because his company was toxic, as in being around him was hideous. He would see himself and his company as one and the same, all above board. I'll just view it as a bonus.

What was the risk he would be taking? Sounds to me as more of a control thing rather than what you are trying to believe. If in fact he is like "us" he probably sees it as what he does for you and how you are because of him. Controlling factors, you are able to live because of him. May not make sense to the "nons" but it makes perfect sense to me without knowing all the "risks". Either way in the end he feels as if he has the upper hand and to people like "us" this it what matters most. Take it how you like but I do understand a thing or two based on reasons why when it comes to a mind like my own.
ps
Your welcome Here Today!!!
Sir Underground

One more thing to add:
You went to him for letters needed and he said he'll pay you till the end of contract time but you were no longer needed. Ultimate satisfaction for a "N". He feels very good about this. On another note how did the relationship end and why?

Hi and thanks for the welcome here today Sir U !

The relationship ended because I realised I was having a relationship with someone who was mirroring me to keep me around but was also using all my quirks and interests and thoughts to gain supply elsewhere. When you see an email to another person that you haven't written but is using direct quotes that you have made! He was also buying everything I bought or showed an interest in. It seemed to drive him more and more crazy that he wasn't getting as much attention as me by acting like me so I ended it. I couldn't stop being myself to just to please him.

The risks would be that I told people I ended it. He always has to be the one to end a 'relationship'. I quit when I realised I did not want to see him ever again. That's something he couldn't control so yes, I would say you are correct that paying me is one thing he could have control over. I asked for a letter of reference and dismissal on the spot as I would not have had to have contact with again him again after that. So I get the opposite of what I asked for!

I wouldn't be a requirement because I no longer play along but his requirement of needing to feel in control and in command must be a priority. It doesn't matter to me what he says to people about why I left so perhaps in some bizarre way he is also paying for my silence. Maybe he just wants me to feel he is a nice guy cos it was the complete collapse of any future interactions with him. Maybe I'm puzzled because there is always more than one reason why I do anything but don't comprehend that for anyone N-ish there is only one reason?

Also I have a very curious nature so he would know I'd be puzzled and wanting answers about why he is paying me but I'm asking them here not to him!

I came back to say I realised I shouldn't even be puzzled because it's his business why he's paying. Maybe I just had to work out what it reminded me of and I think what it is, is like when you see the scene in the movie - the widow/er still setting a place at the table for their recently departed in case they return from the dead.

The whole thing was like some crazy movie where he is the writer, director, cameraman, sound guy and the leading man AND the head of the entire movie studio! It was just too absurd for words but funny now in hindsight.

I started to reply the other day but got busy. Lucky for you he mirrored you rather than what others do. You were able to see this instead of being swept of your feet then hooked like many others. Some mirror and some give people exactly what they need completely asd a tactic. Only this is more of an instinct and not a plan. Something that just tens to happen with a "N". My mind is wired to act, not to think, "what can I do to the next target". I guess that's the dangerous part in that we're not trying to hurt as much as we're trying to win the game in our own heads.

Thank you for finding the time to reply! I can only imagine what it's like being an Alpha.

I noticed he had to replace me with a lot of other mirrors (drinking, people, spending money, holidays, hotels, fancy meals) because he really needed to feel like a winner.It was like he would just go on auto-pilot and escape on a flight, after a fright to his ego if he felt he had failed his mission, which seemed to be the joy of leaving any object of his desire acting crazy or actually going crazy so he could tell everyone he was the victim.

It's just business, nothing personal.

I actually think I quit ahead of Xmas which seemed to be when he would want to spread his version of joy to the world the most. Laughing.

Wow, what a whacky thing to tell you. Maybe he's not paying you for nothing...he's paying to position you in a place that he's more comfortable with. The decision was definitely made to benefit him in some way.

The narcissist boss who sleeps with employees, boy am I familiar with that. I didn't see here who broke up with whom. Was it totally mutual? Was there a new love interest? Because there's the possibility that he just doesn't want to face you. The narc in my life would pay ANYTHING not to have his face rubbed in "failure." He has the money and power, so he doesn't have to be in uncomfortable situations like that. When his ex-wife joined facebook, he blocked FB from all the work computers because he felt like that would keep all his employees from friending her and seeing her posts because she was apparently happy ... he didn't want us to think she was happy without him.

Hi starfruit504,

I ended the relationship side of things but was still an employee and seeing him daily. He had only two scripts that he starred in. The first script he would do an act in front of certain other people, in front of me, where he would imply that we were still in a relationship to them. I observed that he would do this 'act' when it was in front of people he wanted to impress and he would display the 'caring partner act'. These people were other couples who had good marriages or partnerships.

The second script got switched on after I ended it. When there was just he and myself together in the same area and there was another 3rd party around without a partner. He would attempt to impress her and I was cast into the role of witnessing how this 3rd party was reacting. And he got to observe my reactions.

My reactions were zero. I found myself wondering what I was doing there. I realised I was witnessing how the relationship between he and his mother played out over and over again from when he was a child and she was the younger woman. He was re-enacting his childhood relationship with her and I'd been given the glorious part of playing younger Mummy and Wife. I realised the second script was scripted when his Mother remarried when he was a teenager and that he used this script in front of her by bringing 3rd parties home to meet her and she got to witness it and he could watch her reactions, which was to divorce her second husband and devote her life to him.

So I think you are righty right on in saying the sense of failure in front of others and his reputation is of the utmost importance. On the one hand there is the teenage playboy and on the other hand there is the devoted partner who is telling himself he is still in control of me because he is paying for the food on my table until the end of January! I actually demanded to be dismissed without pay on the day I quit and was wanting to break the work contract because the situation on a personal and professional level sure did not work for me.

Thanks for your reply. Mine is all over the place :-)

I think I'm actually more puzzled by my own behaviour in the sense that I've been all over the place in my own mind realising that for me, a person could have all the money in the world to buy anything they want in order to prove to themselves and the world that they're not a failure but it's worthless to me. I want healthy, healing love.

Omg, I never even thought about that. You're right. That's totally another way of being in control.

You know what's really amazing me here? You precisely dissected the whole thing and saw the situation for exactly what it is. You're a jedi, Miss Fiona. You should teach a class. In hindsight, there are a lot of things I see about my old boss that I didn't realize at the time, but not so soon after working there and being in the thick of it.

Added: Money has never brought me happiness. What I want is so much more than that.

Hi again Starfruit504,

It was a real learning curve! There was this sense of deja vu about every scene I witnessed. Every scene had a religious quality to it. Like he and his family and friends were all religiously following a script, except the roles were all interchangeable depending on who had decided that day they were going to have a starring lead role and who was happy to just chill and have a bit part or settle for a walk on scene. From day to day you just never knew who was going to be playing who or what part you were expected to play. They had years of training together. I had no script! Laughing.

I did notice the week before I quit he was wearing an odd assortment of clothing. A big synthetic flowery blouse, a woollen beanie, schoolboy shorts and very heavy boots. I would have liked to put it down to just a free spirit dressing as they pleased but in this instance I could not.

I viewed it as him wearing a big flowery blouse like his mother's, a beanie to keep his head warm while he was hatching some new incarnation in his head, a schoolboy, and boots that were way too heavy. It was then I thought to myself I am so out of here LOLOLOL. It was his latest costume in a movie I had no script for and did not want to be a part of OR witness to.

Right on. That's so imaginative and really useful. I think it's great. I really hope to tap into my imagination and humor in situations like this in the future. You've really inspired me! Thank you!