Isolation

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Fuzzybear

How are you doing Sunsetbay?

judging = disrespect = rejection

thank you Time0

do we believe it is a distortion or not?

It isn't so clear

Rejection can bring isolation which is never good.

Isolation is good when you have to be alone to get yourself together again or take a break from stress but not because of rejection. When this happens it will only make you feel worst if you isolate.

I know that Avoidant Personnality Disorder comes because we were rejected as a child. That's why it all started and that we do suffer from it even today. So knowing this we have to be careful to not close up our feelings inside and keep communicating to get the feeling that some people do love us to be around. Not all people reject us.

Now I also know this is easier said then done. But this is the part we have to work on. Keep our communication open. It doens't have to be with the person that has rejected us or that we feel has rejected us but with other people so we can have a bit of self worth and keep going.

As a child we were rejected by the people who should have love us and also should have been our protectors, so who did we had to turn to? Nobody. But now we do. If not in our personnel life, at least on this site. Suffering quietly in silence doesn't help us but only give power to our Avoidant Personnality Disorder.

Sometime we can't share our feelings of hurt and pain that we have inside because we are so used to hide it and not feeling enough important to say it but if we keep communicating maybe by giving hope to others or just even a hug, communication is open and we do help us just by doing that.

I love you all so very much!

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time0 said:
Now I also know this is easier said then done. But this is the part we have to work on. Keep our communication open. It doens't have to be with the person that has rejected us or that we feel has rejected us but with other people so we can have a bit of self worth and keep going.

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HI Time O,

I am very interested in this subject, as I do believe that being able to spend some time alone comfortably is a sign of health and maturity, in the sense that we are not always looking for something from other people, but finding strength inside ourselves.

However, your point about communication is very important IMHO. I think that hanging around someone who has already rejected us or wants to reject us is a terrible thing for our self esteem. Sometimes if we have no one else (maybe it's a rejecting parent) then we are stuck with the situation, but it is always toxic in my view.

Hanging around someone who has rejected us is like sucking on a stone. We have to find the strength to move on and even more strength to deal with the low self esteem that
the rejector has planted in us. We have to able to get up again, and 'keep going' as you rightly say.

The problem is that, if a person shows signs of being too emotionally hurt or needy, then others might give them a wide berth as well. There are plenty of regular people who say 'always avoid desperation' or 'always avoid a victim'. I don't like that attitude, but it's out there.

It is no surprise that after a few heavy rejections, people choose isolation. If we isolate, we don't get any more rejection from others. But isolation like this is a trap, and we have to get out of it.

One of the most attractive features in any person is quiet self confidence, and this unfortunately is what the hurt person does not have. We often overcompensate, trying too hard, and this doesn't work well. We might seem arrogant or too pushy.

My advice in this situation, and what I have done myself, is to
get help with my rejection issues in a focussed way, through a counsellor and also here at PC, and then to go into the social world with my tongue in my cheek. I do a lot of watching and listening, and don't dump my worries onto new acquaintances. The funny thing is that when you do this, people open up really quickly (everyone likes a listener) and we find that just about everyone has some problems, and they want to talk about them.

After spending a couple of years (as you guys know) keeping a very low profile, I now find that I'm everybody's friend in 3d! That brings it's own problems I can tell you, but it's a different feeling.

For me, my recovery started right here at PC, and it was long and slow, with ups and downs, but it has been a recovery. I would say that if you are hurting and isolating, this is a good place to be. Then we can step out gingerly into 3d and come back here for support if it's too difficult at that point. I have done that a few times, and it'll probably happen again.

Good thoughts, M

(((((((((((((((((((((Nightdream))))))))))))))))))))))))) Thanks for raising this subject, it's so important to many of us here.

It is no surprise that after a few heavy rejections, people choose isolation. If we isolate, we don't get any more rejection from others. But isolation like this is a trap, and we have to get out of it.

Yes you are right!

Hanging around someone who has rejected us is like sucking on a stone.

This is said very clearly and so very true!

Thank you Myzen! Your words are very wise!

hi timeO

Thanks, I'm trying to come to terms with myself and I've been reading your threads and it's really insightful what you have said. I agree that sometimes it's like a vicious cycle that you want to break out of but it's really tough despite all the self talk and reassurance you try to give yourself. I've always enjoyed your posts.

Hope you are feeling better. All the best to us for tomorrow... Take care

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time0 said:
How are you doing Sunsetbay?



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On the other hand, I'm different. I've been pushed too hard by my parents as I'm the eldest child.. they enrolled me in all kinds of courses from ballet to art classes, to piano and organ and even violin classes and I've always had some kinda tuition classes and I sort of exploded due to all the unrealistic expectations due to me. I soon began to withdraw after I learnt that I can never live up to their expectations. That's when the rejections come in... they start comparing me to everybody... to them 99% is never good enough... I began to feel so inadequate and that's when feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem comes in.

I started to dissociate myself... telling myself all this time that their love and acceptance is not important. I think my isolation began at the same time... and it only makes matters worse as my parents began to think that I can never live up to their expectations of a perfect first child. This lowered my self esteem even more and the vicious cycle of isolation begins. They then began putting my brother through the same regime... pushing him to his limits. I've sort of faded into the backgound... have spoken to some of his friends and learnt that he was feeling jaded (not too long ago) and rather cynical of life.

Sometimes my fear of rejection leads me to reject things/goals or people before they can reject me. I've given myself tons of excuses not to embark on a passion or project for the fear of failure. I'm also so afraid of rejection that I'm like a people pleaser most of the time... so afraid that they may reject or dislike me if I'm not up to their expectation. This leads to lots of stress on my side to be the person that they want me to be... I'm always the ever helpful one... cheerful and chirpy at social gatherings.. its gets tiring putting on a mask all the time as you'd mention but I can't break out of this cycle. Being an introvert at heart I feel my resources being drained out and at the end of the day I would just want to unwind and have some "alone and me" time before I hit the bed.

Gosh... your last para describes me to a perfect "T". I'm exactly like that... whenever people ask me how I'm doing... I always say "fine" with a smile. I can NEVER ask people for help because I feel that I'm not worth the hassle and trouble. Even from my mother and best friend... I feel so bad just asking them for the simplest help which will be along the way for them... if they did offer to help I'll feel so obligated that they are going all out to help me (that's what I feel although I will not think twice about offering my services to anybody who needs my help) that I will be so apologetic and offer them a bigger "help" as a form of compensation e.g. "I own you one", "I'll buy you dinner one of these days" etc.

Thanks for your posting... I thought I'm the only one feeling like this... so refreshing to hear somebody actually going through the same issues as me.

Take care TimeO

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time0 said:
It's really hard to fight this one.

People with APD usually were rejected as a child leaving them with a feeling of not being good enough, not lovable and to hide their feelings.

By trying to see your qualities and your self worth, it can help you regain self insurance and self esteem.

For me, isolating myself only reinforce my low self esteem and my low self worth. This site has help me to not isolate too much because I can communicate without putting myself right in the middle of it. I also have the choice to back off when ever I feel I have too.

People who suffer from APD has a real hard time with rejection. Not only becuase of the person who has rejected us but also because we give power to the rejection without even knowing it. When this happens we really have to take a step back and anylise the situation because sometime it is not as bad as we feel it is.

We always have to work on ourself and push ourself to communicate and not put ourself down which is a real struggle with us. We have a tedency to give ourself s**t because we feel we are not worth nothing and surely not lovable.

In real life, face to face with people I wear a mask all the time. I would be dying on a street and people would ask me how I am and would answer " I am fine thank you. Do you need help?". It is a struggle to ask for help because I don't feel I are worth helping.

But there is a lot of people out there who can help us out. It is for us to ask.

I think to keep our communication open is our first step in the right direction.

Take good care!


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i isolate so i wont screw up again. i am hated by so many. i dont want to hurt anyone or be hurt again. i am thinking of getting rid of my pc because i manage to make an idiot out of myself on that too