Isolation - what's it like for you?

Hi there,

I'm a big isolator which is funny because I can also talk easily with people.

I was talking to my AA sponsor tonight and she was telling me about her weekend. She went kayaking Saturday morning on a date saturday night, then went to Cape Cod on Sunday. They spent the day bike riding, had dinner, spent the night in a bed and breakfast and the next day went walking around to all the shops.

By the time she finished telling me this I was in tears telling her I wish I could have fun. She said I need to enjoy life and have fun - I said I wish I could. She said even people who are dying can look out a window and see beautiful trees and sun and feel happy.

What she told me totally pissed me off, but was valid at the same time. She said that I keep saying I can't do things because of physical limitations. That I'm grieving for the fact that I will have chronic pain for the rest of my life and that people go through it in different ways. Basically the next thing she said is that I feel sorry for myself.

I didn't tell her I was mad but I was and it made me so sad. I am so depressed that I am lonely, yet I stay home and don't go out, so how can I expect to meet people???? I intellectually know what I have to do, but doing it is an entirely different thing.

I guess what makes it harder is that I do have physical limitations so there are alot of things I can't do, but I've got to find things that I can do.

What are others thoughts on their isolation??? How do you get out of it?

Tranquility

Tranquility....hun!
You have described me also...I totally isolate myself.
I am going to PM you, as I think we have things to share.
I have no physical limitations...mine are mental.
Just last week I bought a fast food supper and drove to one of the local parks, sat there watching the people while eating, and THAT was big outing for me!
Love,
Patty

Tranquility, as a fellow fibro sufferer I totally understand your desire to do and go....our physical limitations are real, yet others do not quite 'get it'...

I have been pondering the same question, how to engage with life yet on different terms. The chronic pain etc. does limit us in many ways. And I am still trying to figure out how to continue thriving despite my limited functioning. Like I need to rewrite the script of my life...heck, it's been re-written for me already...I just don't know the moves....

Still scratching my head for ideas...

How to get out of isolation? Even forcing yourself to go to the mall, or any place where the action is at...Iduno myself where....

Sorry to hear about your struggle. It sounds painful to me.
I had trouble talking to people. I found that I could argue with myself and tell myself to look at the beautiful sky until I was blue in the face. It didn't seem to get me to enjoy what was around me. Sometimes a person is so tied up in their own emotional pain that one can't have fun. It becomes hard to focus on what others are saying. I had trouble trying to connect with others.
I wish I could tell you how to fix it. For me, the AD helped my mind to be able to feel happy again and then I tried to find more fun things to do. Before the AD, I would watch a movie and get sad immediately afterwards. I joked that I had the worst three year old to care for ever-me. It was almost impossible to entertain myself.
I hope you find a way to feel better. I hope you have a T too.

I dont have much to tell you about how to get out of it, because I do it myself. My Panic Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder make me so socially anxious I isolate myself, and if that weren't enough I have back problems which prevent me from walking any reasonable distance.
((((hugs))))

Hi tranquility.,...

I just wanted to say that I have isolated from the world for several years. And what I have found that isolation caused me to be more depressed...I did not even comb my hair for days. Guess I let myself go as in stopped wanting to look nice.....I even gained weight. It came to the point I was ashamed for anyone to even see me......

Well, what happened, is a long story, but not boring ....I will spare you the details tho.. Anyway, I recently moved to my son's house. I was really scared moving there. My son does not live there yet, as he won't be moving there till he gets his CS degree, which we hope will be this fall.

Anyway, tons of work needed to be done. Lots of yard work too. I love planting flowers and veggie gardens. Each day I started going outside to do some work.. Next thing I knew I started talking to the neighbors. The neighbors to my left, just bought the house and they are from England. We even started sharing yard tools with each other. Lovely people.. Everyone I met has been so friendly . They said they watch me every day to see what new thing I have done to the yard. And they complement me too... Wow.. I started feeling good about myself.. Even started smiling and combing my hair.

Well, the AC stopped working so I had to move back to where I lived for the past few years. Is a "richer" neighborhood and less friendly. And there is nothing here for me to do to keep me busy. Depression started coming back... Am praying real hard the AC gets fixed this week so I can go home... The AC repairman is coming tomorrow.. Yeahhhhhh.

Although this is a small step, well actually a large step for me, I have found I feel better and am happier when I am not isolating. Ok, so I can't go to stores yet...I am sure I will be bouncing in the departments stores, shopping away.. well maybe in a few months or so..

Wow!

:"Like I need to rewrite the script of my life...heck, it's been re-written for me already...I just don't know the moves...."

That is perfect!!!!

Tranquility

Isolation in my life comes and goes in phases. But I can really enjoy my time alone. It's almost like a time to replenish for me. I like my solitude. I like how uncomplicated and simple it is.
It gives me time to look inside myself and see what needs to be worked on and improved. It gives me time of stillness. I get to 'regroup'-I look at past social mistakes and I ask how and why it went wrong and how can I improve myself so that the next time I won't make the same mistakes.
You're no less of a person because you don't go out Kayacking. That's her life, what she enjoys. It doesn't have to be who you are. What do you like? Don't try to be impressive-just be honest with yourself. What I want to do is very simple-I like being outdoors, not hiking, not rock climbing, not doing anything special except laying on a blanket in the grass, reading a book. It's very simple but for me-it's pleasurable. No bickering or fighting or hearing "I'm hungry" or putting up with somebody's moods who won't say that there is anything wrong but with the way they act, you know there is but they're too "nice" to discuss it-instead they'll just use passive aggression on you...
GRRR
When I want to deal with that b.s.-all I have to do is look up a class I'd be interested in taking and I can participate in all that great social interaction. Yippeee!!! And you could too, if you REALLY wanted to- you would. But if you're happy about being alone and just feeling guilty 'cause you think you "should" be out doing this and that 'cause this and that person is-forget it-you're doing fine, Tranquility-many of people have had worthy lives living in solitude. What you do in your solitude is what determines whether or not you're happy. Don't feel bad if you enjoy being a loner. If not, then what's stopping you? I mean, what's REALLY stopping you and what can you do about it or better yet-what ARE you willing to do about it? When you stop getting something out of it, you'll change. Okay? You can change your circumstance.
(((((((((Tranquility))))))))))))))

When I was first disabled, I didn't isolate on purpose. All my time and energy was spent in trying to get well (I was in denial, and had no one to help me at first (long story)) It wasn't till after it began to set in that I was permanently totally disabled. I needed time to figure some things out, and though I never stopped going to physical therapy nor to my psychologist, I isolated myself from the rest of the world. (Family had left on their own.) I took 5 years "off" from society. Even now though I'm trying to be and do like others, it just doesn't always work for me.

I can't do "anything" I used to before the accident. To complicate things, I used to do "everything." (Well, I never jumped from a perfectly good plane, or dived in a submarine, but you get the idea.) I am still looking for something I can do well, have fun at and rely upon as a hobby for the remainder of my life. Alas, due to my pain and fatigue factors, it will never be something I can do all the time. Nothing is.

I don't recall how recent you realized your situation is "permanent." But imo you are "allowed" a time of self pity, it is a mourning process, you have lost many things, not just the ability to do what you used to, but you have lost the hope of doing other things too. Mourn if you must. The sooner you can pull out of that mood, etc, the better for you. But don't rush it. If this is recent, then I would say you might need a different T, someone who is expert in pain and stress management etc... someone who truly understands. Encouragement is good, but you have to be ready for it.

(((((((((((Sky)))))))))))))))

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tranquility said:
Hi there,

I'm a big isolator which is funny because I can also talk easily with people.

I am so depressed that I am lonely, yet I stay home and don't go out, so how can I expect to meet people???? I intellectually know what I have to do, but doing it is an entirely different thing.

I guess what makes it harder is that I do have physical limitations so there are alot of things I can't do, but I've got to find things that I can do.

What are others thoughts on their isolation??? How do you get out of it?

Tranquility

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Tranquility, I am so much like you that it is like looking in a mirror to read your post. The only difference is that I am very comfortable being alone. On the other hand, I know that all research shows that people with nurturing relationships are happier and live longer lives. When I am asked to fill out who to contact in case of an emergency, I don't even have anyone to put in the that blank. I just lie and fll in a name and that person is probably going to be shocked if contacted in an emergency.

I know that I need to go out; I have physical limitations; I was quite a babe when I was young so I feel old, ugly, out of date; I have lost my remaining few friends from the old days in the past few years and can't seem to get and keep a job, so I feel very seriously flawed.

I do not get anything out of volunteering, despite the popular wisdom that I'm supposed to feel satisfied and gratified by this. Well, I don't. Mostly, I feel used.

I apologize, Tranquility, if I've written so much that I'm hijacking. I am in the same boat, same boat.

Thanks Sky and Pickle!

I do want to be around people and I am sad being alone. Your right it will be my choice and I need to figure out what it is that I enjoy.

I only came to realize a month ago that this is permanent so you're right Sky I am in mourning.

I appreciate everything everyone has said on this topic - it gives me options - imagine that!

Tranquility

Too bad you're on the East coast. I'd invite you and anyone else interested to go to the Saturday market, and maybe high tea somewhere, wouldn't that be fun?

I do the same thing. I wish for fun things, but huddle in my home at any given chance.

Aren't you the coolest

High tea sounds so hoity toity - I love it!

-Tranquility

((((((((Tranquility))))))))))

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_Sky said:
I am still looking for something I can do well, have fun at and rely upon as a hobby for the remainder of my life.

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Sky -- Did you train your service dog and are you training the new one? Even maintaining a dog's training (if the service dog arrives with training) takes amazing discipline, communication with the animal, and compassion -- almost a psychic connection. When I got my first obedience dog, my trainer said, "He knows what to do. We're training you." So that is something you are good at and can be proud of, isn't it?

Thanks Wants2 for the insight. Yes, I'm trying to maintain the basic training he had. T even asked today if the puppy had settled since being neutered. (As I showed him my latest brusing and bite marks from the puppy.) He has settled, but still is rather aggressive. My Figaro was never this way, so I am guessing it's the poodle in him. I wish I had the wherewithal to train him constantly, to hurry along his service dog- ship Alas I do not. I do worry that even once he's certified that I won't be able to maintain him alone, and the trainer will have to come out often.

I'm also worried that I may become more isolated again soon. I don't wish to take the thread away from tranquility, though it's on topic... the opposing insurance company is deposing the head of the organization where I volunteer. I never disclosed that I was on disability, just that (they know) I am disabled. I'm afraid they will send me packing because I am a high risk volunteer, and not worth the added cost. It just seemed easier to isolate rather than keep trying to help others. IDK right now.

Sky - you're not taking away. I'm not sure I understand who the opposing insurance company is. But, if you are volunteering for this organization I think they will be fine. What kind of organization is it? Many times orgs. will want diverse people with disabilities because they add such great value.

-Tranquility

Wants2Fly:

I must have missed this post! Thankfully I have my sister - so I do have a contact person to put for medical emergencies - if not her then I would be in the same boat as you.

I know when I volunteer I do feel better. Recently there was an MS walk and my sister and my friend have MS, so I called and asked if there was something I could do that would match my physical limitations (basically sitting). They gave me the registration table for V.I.P.'s (people who collected the most donations). It was alot of up and down for a couple of hours so I was pooped at the end, but I got to meet people who were smiling and happy and that automatically helps my mood. Plus it was a couple of hours and then I got to go home which matched my need of "when I'm along I want to be with people and when I'm with people I want to be alone".

I guess what I'm saying is that I picked a volunteering opportunity that I wanted and set my own parameters, so I wasn't being used and the organization benefited from my help.

By the way - you are not hijacking at all, I like to hear from everyone. You are a good person who is very caring so you are certainly not flawed.

<font color="blue"> </font> (((((((((((Wants2Fly)))))))))))))

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Tranquility

I find it difficult to be with a person one-on-one. I have no friends except the few I have met in my support group & I feel that I lack adequate social skills to be out there with the "normal" people. But I have found a couple good ways to be around people that is not too intimidating for me.

I take a knitting class. Not only is it relaxing, but you have a focus (the knitting) so I don't feel like I'm being scrutinized. I also have signed up for a book club at the library. I haven't attended that yet so I do feel some anxiety about it, but if I push myself to do things I gain more confidence.

Volunteering is also a big part of my "socializing." I volunteer for NAMI, DBSA & at the local jail (co-leading a women's support group with a therapist).

If I have been alone for a few days, I'll take a book & go to a coffee shop to just be around people. It makes me feel more human. Anyway, you are not alone in being isolated but wanting contact with other people.--Suzy

Great ideas Suzy! I recently switched to a new Psychiatric nurse for meds and one idea she had was to joing a crochet/knitting group because I do both.

Sounds like you have good things set in place!

-Tranquility

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Suzy5654 said:

I take a knitting class. Not only is it relaxing, but you have a focus (the knitting) so I don't feel like I'm being scrutinized. I also have signed up for a book club at the library. I haven't attended that yet so I do feel some anxiety about it, but if I push myself to do things I gain more confidence.

Volunteering is also a big part of my "socializing." I volunteer for NAMI, DBSA & at the local jail (co-leading a women's support group with a therapist).

If I have been alone for a few days, I'll take a book & go to a coffee shop to just be around people. It makes me feel more human. Anyway, you are not alone in being isolated but wanting contact with other people.--Suzy

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What good ideas, Suzy. I also liked your story about how to find a way to volunteer that you love, Tranquillity.

I isolate too. I dont believe I am unlikeable...or unworthy, I just dont often have much to say. I work in an office, but I am alone here, so my days are quiet except for the phone.

I often agree to go out somewhere with my husband, and then change my mind at the last minute. I end up just not feeling up to it for one reason or another. I dont want to be this way,

I am finally on proper medication, and am hoping that I will regain some interest in life outside work and home. I am looking forward to my vacation though. My husband and I will be taking a 3 week vacation. Just getting in the car and going, no destination in mind. I guess thats not quite socializing, but its a start.

Annie

Sounds like the perfect vacation to me!

AnnieL - I know what you mean, I often say I'm going to go somewhere, and then I talk myself out of it by the time it comes.

I think that vacation sounds like fun - I hope you have a good time!

-Tranquility