Isolation

Hello,

I live with my boyfriend. He and I are generally happy together. We get on 90 % of the time and can usually deal with any differences of opinions in our relationship. I have been with him now for 2yrs. We both live in a city where neither of us grew up. And have only lived here a short period of time. The problem is that the only thing my boyfriend wants to do is stay at home and watch movies/play video games and get drunk. He has a very demanding job so I appreciate that more often than not he is wrecked at the end of the week and needs a good rest. The trouble is he never wants to socialise with anyone except a few of his work colleagues. In the beginning I was head over heels in love. So to spend the weekend entirely on our own didn't actually bother me. But now I find it extremely boring and annoying. He doesn't want me associating with his friends from work because he thinks they are too posh for me. I have to be honest and say I am very quite and shy person. So it is difficult for me to get myself out there. However I do like going places and meeting different people. So I usually do my best to ignore my initial discomfort. He also doesn't want any of my friends around the flat. Basically I think because it makes him uncomfortable. My mother also didn't want strangers in our house when we were young. Never feeling that we were good enough. One time she shouted at friends of ours to get out of the house. She was ill at the time. And has suffered from depression. My eldest sister too suffers from depression. Can not keep a job or take care of herself. I also have an uncle who is schiophrenic. Basically my family is not as mentally healthy as we would like it to be. And I realise that there is very little chance that I am as mentally healthy as I would like to be given my upbringing.

Thing is - did I choose my boyfriend because he was familiar to me?? Because he had same characteristics as my own mother? How can this relatonship have a future if we are never going to have a social base. A group of people who we trust and can have a laugh with both as individuals and as a couple. Are we bad for each other? Or am I recreating subconsicously my own family situation?

I believe that to a certain extent we do pick our mates to simulate our growing up situation. It is most evendent to outsiders when we are not conciously aware of what we are doing. You, however, are concious of this dynamic therefore you are in the position to step out of the cycle.

I was/am in the same position as you. Alone in a city I didn't know with a man who didn't want to mix our relationship with his friendships and did not feel comfortable when I tried to develop relationships with other couples. It has been a struggle for me for 17 years. I am still alone and lonely and it causes large amounts of resentment on my part.

So I have come to the conclusion that I am going to have to develop my own relationships without him. I am going to have to pursue my own interests, go to places that I like to go, do things that I like to do. It is hard. It takes a tremendous effort on my part to get out there. And when I do and leave him home by himself I feel tons of guilt. But why should I? I have tried to enclude him in my earlier efforts without success. Feeling resentment for him because of this is not doing our relationship any good so it makes sense that I take the bull by the horns and do what makes me happy. I will let you know how it goes.
Zen<font color=blue>

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Did You Know:
If you rewire the visual input from the eyes of a baby ferret to the auditory (hearing) cortex of its brain, the auditory cortex will "learn" to see? The signals will be less orderly resulting in the ferret having 20/60 vision instead of 20/20.--from study conducted by neuroscientest Mriganka Sur at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

While I think it can be a fascinating exercise to figure out why we do the things we do, a lot of times it leads us down a circular path that doesn't give us any clear answers as to, "So what do I do now?"

If you are finding things "extremely boring and annoying" now, imagine what they're going to be like 5 or 10 or even 20 years from now! If he's not willing to change a little to let you more into his life, or at the very least allow your friends to come over, then I'm not sure what future the relationship holds for you.

A relationship has to be basically satisfying in all the major aspects of our lives. A relationship that works in most areas, but not others, usually isn't sufficient for long-term happiness (unless one or both of the people are willing to work on changing those areas the relationship is suffering in). So while this "friendship area" may not seem like a big deal now (although it does seem to be one from my reading of your post), it will grow and grow into one unless something is done about it now.

If he's not willing to compromise a little on this issue, then it's definitely something to take into consideration about your long-term prospects with this person. Sometimes letting our significant other just how important an issue is can lead to them understanding how important it is and working on finding a way to have both people satisfied with the issue. So try talking to him and letting him know that (if you haven't already). And let us know how it goes...

John

I just thought I'd add one thing to the already good advice you've been given. My doc always told me not to isolate. That was one thing that did not help depression at all I have admit that many times I do isolate, but when I do socialize in any way I feel much better. If you boyfriend won't go, go yourself. A day out can do wonders for the soul.
Rainbow

I think you got a lot of good advice from the others and thought I would add my thoughts as well. I moved to the city I live in now with my exboyfriend. He was not from here either. He also preferred not to go out. I stayed with him for many years and was very unhappy (especially after I moved away from everyone I knew). I was so miserable and cried all the time. Then, I met another man who I knew instantly was the love of my life, my soul mate. I left my boyfriend for him. It was an awful breakup. When I left, he did not want to let me go and did everything in his power to prevent it. But, I did leave and eventually married the other man. I am lucky that I found someone who helped me break away. Please use whatever strenght you have and get out of this relationship. It does not sound as though it is good for you at all. Even if you are recreating the past, you can break that if you want to. Take care.

Others have given valuable input but no one has (unless I missed it) questioned the amount of alcohol your boyfriend consumes.

You state that he likes to play games and get drunk. Anyone familiar with alcoholism and addiction knows that isolation is often indicative of a substance problem. Additionally, substance abuse problems often resemble other disorders and frequently interfere with diagnoses. You may wish to try the CAGE test on your boyfriend:

Does/has he tried to Cut-down his drinking/using?
Does he get Angry when anyone tries to talk to him about his drinking?
Does/has he ever felt Guilty about his drinking or what he did while drinking?
Does/has he ever had an Eye-opener in the morning?

An affirmative answer to any of those questions indicates there may be a problem with alcohol or drugs and warrants further investigation.

Good luck!