Isolation

I fight constantly with this feeling of isolation. The feeling of shutting down completely people from my life. I know this is not good for me as I will become more suicidal and as time will pass I will feel too worthless to make the step to get in contact again or feel I bother too much or people don't need someone as stupid as me in their life. Words of destruction will dance in my mind and I will not come back. I have been there before and I must not do that. That's what avoidance personality does to me.

To help myself not to fall in conplete silence, I give in here a hug or a word of support, my way to stay in contact. I must also be careful when the rejection comes galloping towards me to not put everyone in same bag and shut down, meaning that not everyone rejects me.

Isolation, rejection, falling in silence, shutting down my door to the outside world in real life or online is a constant struggle inside me.

I like so much to share my love with others, this is what keeps me going a lot of time. I'm really trying not to disapear from here, from this site. It is helping me so much to be here among you all. I know this and I'm fighting with my avoidancy all the time. Even while I'm writing this the voice inside of me keeps telling me "do not hit the continue botton , do not say, keep silence, do not reach out".

Thank you! I wish you all a very kind day!
nightdream

((((((((((((((((nightdream)))))))))))))))))) I think it's very courageous of you to avoid that voice that tells you to avoid people. I think it shows strength in you to be able to listen to it and accept what it says yet do what is best for you. I think you are very much admired and loved here because of your constant atention to people, even when you are feeling down and no doubt in need of support yourself. I love reading your posts and i look out for them, and I am glad to see you post again. I think it's a major acheievement for you not to give into those urges for isolation.

Take care, be safe

Nightdream,

Good going--- not listening to those familiar messages that tell you "don't reach out-- be silent" !! I soooo understand where you're coming from!! Having avoidant personality myself, I'm very familiar with those voices. And if not many people respond to my post I figure I'm too much of a bother, or just don't rate with others. All these messages going through my head-- it's so hard not to listen to them!!!

I have to push myself with every post I make-- it can be so draining- going against this --- force--- or whatever it is.

Real glad you posted and hope you keep doing so!!! Your posts are always so kind and compassionate. If you need to talk and posting just isn't happening-- you can PM me anytime. I'm thinking though ,that posting here is a great therapy for the likes of us!! However, I never get PMs-- so it would be cool with me if you did write.

Hooray to you-- for this post!!!

Mandy

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Isolation, rejection, falling in silence, shutting down my door to the outside world in real life or online is a constant struggle inside me.

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Too true, nightdream, it's a seductive strategy at first (feels like less pain) but in the long term it sucks.

I think it's OK to be on your own sometimes, but if it feels like a struggle then it's bad vibes. Deep down, we just want to feel OK, that's OK on our own and OK with people. I guess that's what it is to be healthy.

Maybe we can have some alone time, but keep the door open as well; it sounds like that's what you're aiming for anyway.

Cheers, Myzen.

Thank you all for caring! Very kind of you all!

LMo, I have left my husband. He is too abusive towards me. I am on my own.

Many hugs to all of you!
nightdream

nightdream, i would never reject you and neither will the other posters here. we're here to support you.....xoxoxopat

I know how you feel, nightdream. I have isolated myself from most of my 3-D friends and I only post here sporadically. (I've been here since 10/03 and have fewer than 130 posts, and I never pm anybody.)

We just have to continue to fight the urge to isolate ourselves, even though it is a constant struggle.

nightdream, you have described exactly what I do and have done for 4 years. In fact, I just went through a few days of isolation and shut out the world as I shutdown completely to the point that I was not functional at all. I never knew there was anything called 'avoidance personality'. I guess I have another disorder to add to my list. I'll have to do some research on this.

Anyway, congrats on not giving into that voice. I know how very strong it is. I have always given in. I admire your courage and strength. I know how much easier it is to run and hide from everything that hurts. I'm glad that you are finding ways of tackling it.

(((((((((( nightdream ))))))))))))))

I fight with that too. Sometimes, it would be so easy to just retreat into my own little world, chain smoke and sleep and just avoid the outside world. Thankfully, I fight it pretty well...it's been about 8 months since I've done it, but its always a fight.

Hang in there... I haven't been here for very long, but I have so far gotten a vibe that the people around here genuinely care.

((((((((nightdream)))))))

I can relate to your feelings and understand....I don't have many words right now but want to offer my support and caring.

look after you,

sorrel

Isolation comes for me when I can't see no more any reason why I try, and that I have also lost hope in humanity. Also when I get badly hurt and there is no more space inside for more. I have to be careful when I isolate too much or for too long. Isolation for me can become dangerous specially with my avoidancy.

To isolate because we need time alone or to gather our strength is alright. I think most of us do that at a time or another. If we can get out easilly then I think it's ok.

I thank you so very much and I wish you all good luck with this. Please try to not isolate for too long. It is very important to keep contact in real world or online.

Much love to you all!
nightdream

nightdream, I can so totally relate. I talked about this with my t today and she agreed that I also have APD. I will have to do some net researching on it. Online is pretty much my only contact with the outside world, other than doctors and t. I've been this way for years and now it is so hard to change. I hope you can get a handle on yours.

((((((((((((( nightdream )))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((Angel)))))))))))))

Keep believing in tomorrow dear Angel!

nightdream

((((ND)))) it's good that you can fight that voice that says to isolate. I did isolate for nearly 5 years. I'm not [bold]so[/bold] much anymore, but I still shelter myself just to keep from having to be on guard all the time (well, I still am but don't HAVE to be.)

(((((((((((((((((nightdream))))))))))))))))))

I isolate a lot as well, mainly in 3D, apart from my husband, but online I avoid by not saying much about myself on this board...... (or any board). My former (mean) therapist said I have avoidant personality. It is hard for me to trust people, especially doctors. I know there are some good therapists out there but I am scared of another therapy experience going wrong. Also M is out of work at the moment, and being in the UK the availability of good free therapy appears to be almost nil, especially for someone like me who has seen a therapist before, when the therapy didnt work out (the professionals tend to blame the "patient" ....) This turned into a long vent about me.... sorry!

Thinking of you hon, I always look out for you here and miss you when you don't post. You are much loved here!

Love,
Fuzzy

((((((((((((((((((Sky))))))))))))))))))))

"To be on guard all the time" Yes, that's a very important part of isolation.

nightdream

(((((((((((((((((((Fuzzy))))))))))))))))))))))

I don't know if you have done research on Avoidant Personality Disorder but I did a bit, even a lot. I like to learn and understand.

A person who has this disorder wasn't born with it. Something happened that this disorder has developped along the way. The main reason is "rejection". This person has been badly rejected as a child, the feeling of not being wanted, not good enough, taking too much space, too worthless to be love comes with rejection. Then this person will bring this into her adult life being very careful to hide who she is inside, will avoid talking about her inside feelings, will avoid pure and simply talking about herself. A constant battle is inside of her because this person wants to belong but yet will build walls so to not get too close to someone else. Also the constant feeling of worthlessness makes it hard for this person to even think she could belong or be part. The " not good enough" plays a main role. To trust is a big issue for this person with this disorder and even in therapy it will be hard for this person to open up and trust who is in front of her. Avoidant is mostly to avoid talking about yourself because this person can be very sociable, very well fonction in public as long as she is not talking about herself.

Love you dear (((((((((((((((((Fuzzy)))))))))))))))))

nightdream

nightdream

Last night I did some net researching myself on this. I fit the disorder perfectly, however; I used to open up a LOT about what is going on with me but now I have stopped. The reasons don't really matter, except maybe they feed right into my 'rejection' issues. Now I have no outlet for my feelings. I do go for therapy but it's not often enough that I can cope with everything that happens in between visits. Example: I saw my t yesterday, discussed this along with other issues with her. But here it is the very next day, I haven't said anything about myself but yet I'm already triggered by 4 separate things within a few minutes of logging on here. MY INSIDES ARE SCREAMING!!!! Do you go through that and if so, how do you cope with it? I feel myself already starting to completely shutdown again. DAMN, I just did that and came out of it yesterday. Life is too bloody hard. I'm feeling light-headed and my head is spinning. I'm almost catatonic again. I'm withdrawing into myself and into my own little world again, feeling helpless to stop it. It's too strong to fight. I can actually feel it physically right now. I doubt I'll be posting after this msg.

Going back to bed, never to surface again. It's too hard to fight.

((((((vacant angel))))))

I know....I'm here for you....

love,

sorrel

Thanks sorrel, I appreciate the support and hugs. I've 'sorta' come out my isolation, feeling better after sleeping. Not sure I'll stay, very nervous. Isolation comes sooooo easy for me. It's what I always do.

(((((((((((( sorrel )))))))))))))

(((((((((((( nightdream )))))))))))))))

((((((((((( anyone who suffers from this )))))))))))))))

nightdream, sorry to hi-jack your thread sweetie. I apologize.

I think I have some traits of APD as well... what are the effective ways to treat this other than seeing a T? It's really costly from where I live and I'm not a citizen so I can't really afford one at the moment. Despair!!

It's really hard to fight this one.

People with APD usually were rejected as a child leaving them with a feeling of not being good enough, not lovable and to hide their feelings.

By trying to see your qualities and your self worth, it can help you regain self insurance and self esteem.

For me, isolating myself only reinforce my low self esteem and my low self worth. This site has help me to not isolate too much because I can communicate without putting myself right in the middle of it. I also have the choice to back off when ever I feel I have too.

People who suffer from APD has a real hard time with rejection. Not only becuase of the person who has rejected us but also because we give power to the rejection without even knowing it. When this happens we really have to take a step back and anylise the situation because sometime it is not as bad as we feel it is.

We always have to work on ourself and push ourself to communicate and not put ourself down which is a real struggle with us. We have a tedency to give ourself s**t because we feel we are not worth nothing and surely not lovable.

In real life, face to face with people I wear a mask all the time. I would be dying on a street and people would ask me how I am and would answer " I am fine thank you. Do you need help?". It is a struggle to ask for help because I don't feel I are worth helping.

But there is a lot of people out there who can help us out. It is for us to ask.

I think to keep our communication open is our first step in the right direction.

Take good care!

Oh! Welcome to this place. Nice to have you with us!

time0,

this is one of the best posts we've read by you over the time we've known you. you show more self awareness in this post than many of your other posts combined. we know it has taken many years to even be able to write about this online in front of other people. congrats on that progress.

we're very proud to read your understanding of APD and how a lot of the perceptions need to be challenged as they often are distortions.

you've been brave in how you've been facing this. it cannot be easy to do without the help of professionals. we hope that you'll find a way to seek more help when you're ready and able.

you, along with anyone else suffering from APD can learn ways of making life easier and not quite so painful.

we're lucky to be able to read threads like this that have ppl contributing over the course of a year or more to help us see how their perceptions have grown and changed or become more solidified in the degree of distortion.

nothing like facing reality to face reality, eh?