[deliquesce]

hi guys.

i'm still new here, and not really sure where to post. i thought i could post here because my question relates specifically to BPD, but i'm worried i might offend someone in the process and that is definitely *not* my intention.

if anyone thinks this post is inappropriate or just upsetting, please pm me, or any mod, and ask for it to be removed. as i said, the last thing i want to do is offend anyone.

on to my question (which appropriate trigger warnings):...

***
about 2 years ago i was sexually assaulted by a guy i met at a party. at first, he was really intense and we just struck it off *so well*, and as i was out of town, he offered me his place to crash for the night. we both discussed that there would def not be any fooling around/sex, it was just an offer of his spare bed to save me from trying to travel back to my place 2 hours away.
on the way back to his place we talked a bit about mental illness stuff. he told me he had bpd, and what meds he was on, and i told him about my depression, and what meds i was on. i didnt know much about bpd at the time (still dont) so he told me that sometimes he would think of people in terms of 'good' or 'bad', and also that 'sex was his way of dealing with things'.
anyway - long story short - we got back to his place, one thing led to another, and i started worrying that things might get out of my control, so i asked him to stop what we were doing (just kissing) and for me to go to bed in the spare room. he was ok with this, and so we said good night.
in the morning we just talked for ages and ages. kissed a bit more etc. then he went to the bathroom and when he came back, he had kind of changed? he told me i was a bad person, and that i had been manipulative, and that if i didnt want to have sex with him i should never have come back to his place. he then proceeded to hurt me.

so, my question is: do you think this was in any way linked to his BPD? do you think that if he didnt have BPD that it might not have happened? or do you think the two things are completely unrelated?

i'm confused, because i'm usually very cautious with people, but we had hit it off so well, and just connected and stuff, and i just never saw this coming. i'm finding it hard to believe that he is a 'bad person', it's almost like i'm scapegoating his illness so i can believe he is still good?

for the record, i was abused as a kid also, and had a very love/hate relationship there, so maybe this has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me just repeating earlier situations. maybe it's my fault it happened, even if it was only inadvertent.
/end trigger*****

again, i'm really sorry if my question is offensive or triggering to anyone here. i'm also sorry it's so long. thank you so much to anyone who read this far, let alone gives me the time to respond.

[Luce]

Hi there. I am no expert but...to me it sounds like the BPD was his piss-poor excuse for his own criminal behavior. Seriously. The comments he made the previous night about 'seeing people as good or bad' and 'sex being his way of dealing with things' sound like they were merely a pathetic excuse for his *intention* of doing whatever the heck he wanted, whether you agreed or not.

I am really sorry you experienced that.

Ultimately, I think if he didn't have BPD he would have made up some other excuse for his behavior.

[Martina]

Nothing makes what he did okay. Nothing. He is a criminal. He was not insane, he knew exactly what he was doing.

I'm so sorry for what you went through.

[deliquesce]

thank you both, luce and martina.

it's been something that's been on my mind lately as one of my friends recently got a bpd diagnosis, and now i'm scared she might become aggressive. i'm trying to remind myself that she's never been aggressive in the past, and the diagnosis doesn't change that.

thank you so much for your input. i feel a bit better knowing it was just 'him' and not a whole population of people with an illness. maybe in the new year i will gather up enough courage to talk to my pdoc about what happened.

[Michah]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

thank you both, luce and martina.

it's been something that's been on my mind lately as one of my friends recently got a bpd diagnosis, and now i'm scared she might become aggressive. i'm trying to remind myself that she's never been aggressive in the past, and the diagnosis doesn't change that.

thank you so much for your input. i feel a bit better knowing it was just 'him' and not a whole population of people with an illness. maybe in the new year i will gather up enough courage to talk to my pdoc about what happened.

Hi there, I am female with bpd and I have been very violent in my past and in trouble with the police. I am still on their list as a "proceed with caution"! One of my first lessons with my psych and it was reiterated over the years, is action and consequence. My homicidal ideation and psychopathic behavior is directly linked to my experience as a child and bpd. If it were not for my son, I would be dead or in jail. My point is, no person has the right to take liberties or cause damage or harm to another human being. I am not insane, and as my psych pointed out, she would only testify to diminished capacity if I was to commit the most horrendous of acts. I would get so angry that I would black out and lose time and not remember a thing until I woke up in the psych ward the next day. I had to learn to control my rage for no one deserves to be treated like that by my hand. You are very brave to tell your story and you definitely did not invite that violation on yourself. I hope that you can work through it and not become too bitter as it seems that you have enough sadness from your childhood. He needs to learn some serious lessons about life and managing illness.

[deliquesce]

thank you for taking the time to reply, michah. i'm sorry you've had a hard time with your bpd and childhood experiences, but i'm glad you're working through them and not letting it dictate your behaviour.

thank you for saying what you did. i have been feeling ambivalent about being angry at him, because i thought he could not control what he did. hearing your perspective and experiences has helped. i have only recently started going through my childhood experiences with my therapist, and so i guess it was inevitable that this stuff would be stirred up. i am going to let it sit for a while, and maybe talk it over with my doc in the new year.

thank you once again .

[slmg]

First of all, I want to say I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you. There is absolutely no excuse for what he did.

At the same time, I do think the kind of reasoning people with bpd have can have an influence (not cause) this type of behavior. People with this disorder have a poor sense of identity and usually low self esteem. They (or we) also have a strong need to feel close to others and are terribly fearful of rejection. For me, sex was a way to feel connected to someone and accepted. If I felt that someone didn't desire me sexually, that meant that I was unattractive, not good enough, etc.

This kind of perceived rejection can turn you into a "bad" person in the eyes of the borderline. Not to mention that with bpd have poor impulse control and trouble regulating emotions. So something as simple as saying that you only want to kiss can send them into emotional crisis and enrage them.

Once more I'd like to say that there's no excuse and that is in no way you fault! I just thought this information might help you understand what ocurred. If you have anymore questions, let me know!

[deliquesce]

oh boy. thank you. i'm all confused again .

i guess... part of me is scared about knowing people now who have BPD. i am scared that they might hurt me, or that they might be 'more likely' to hurt me than a non-BPD person.

i guess the other issue is whether, even with his disorder, if he was responsible or not. or if it was just the disorder.

i'm confused. not very coherent. think that's as far as my little brain is willing to take me today .

thank you for posting, slmg.

[multipixie9]

deliquesce,

i am so so sorry this happened to you. no matter what is written in this man's psych chart, he did a horrible criminal thing to you. he is guilty, responsible, culpable - i've run out of synonyms for it!!! he deserves to be in jail like any other rapist. enough said, i do not want to overwhelm you.

please consider talking with your T as soon as you feel you can. this was a terrible and hurtful thing he did and you need and deserve help and comfort. from what you said it did seem to me that he set things up to justify his own wrong behavior. he is not "insane", he was in full control of his own actions and therefore is totally responsible for hurting you.
again, i am really sorry this happened to you and wish you all the healing in the world to get beyond this and your childhood wounds, i empathize with you.

leslie

[deliquesce]

thanks for your reply, leslie, i only just saw it.

in a weird way... i guess my childhood experiences "shielded" me a bit from the brunt of it. i guess i've always expected that this is how men behave... so when it happened, i wasnt surprised or saddened. more just resigned. it did not lead to me feeling more unsafe in the world, i already live with that feeling.

i didnt press charges at the time, and i won't now. i hope he has the self-knowledge to be able to work through his own issues and maybe own up to the act himself, with someone who will help him work through to something that is right. i know he went to a weekly DBT group which he found helpful, so maybe it is something he processed there.

i guess i feel a bit guilty for not reporting it.

[miserycriz]

deliquesce

I am so sorry for what happened to you...I have been dxed with bpd amongst many other mental illnesses and I don't see that as what my good friend say's as and excuse for bad behaviours....We all have to be in control for our behaviours to the best of our abilities there are some circumstance where that is NOT the case but in HIS case he very well was looking to use an illness to commit a crime...I am so sorry and I am glad your talking about it...Please stay safe and glad that your here

MC

[Rapunzel]

That he hurt you because he had BPD makes about as much sense as that he committed armed robbery because he was diabetic. IDK, maybe he couldn't deal with not being able to have sugar, so he decided to hurt and traumatize someone and take something from them, in a misguided attempt to get what he couldn't have.

Hurting someone doesn't make him any more likely to be able to have fulfilling relationships either. Who knows what it was that he thought he wanted. There is no excuse for what he did.

And the majority of diabetics probably don't commit armed robbery, either.

[Princess Butterfly]

Hi there,
There are just as many forms of bpd as there are people.Trying to think how to put this.
Everyone is human but not everyone is the same.
BPD is a diagnosis but its a mix of things and again not everyone is the same.

I have BPD everything i do is inward.If i feel angry i cut myself, If someone makes me angry i cut myself.I have never hurt anyone except myself.
Unfortunely its always other people hurting me.And always me hating myself because i got hurt.
If i told you i was kidnapped tortured and r*ped.
Does it make any difference because i have bpd?

I think what i am saying is if he didnt have bpd would you still be thinking the same.He could of lyed about the bpd he defiently used it as an excuse.
I really dont understand why human beings can be so cruel and i think its just that,he is a cruel human being thats why he did it nothing to do with bpd.

I hope ive made sense.Sorry