My father refuses to understand my BPD!

Lately I've been feeling like %#@&#!. I had even had thoughts of suicide because of my obsessive thinking about what happen to my mother as she was dying right in front of my eyes at the hospital. This happen on Feb. 24th of 2004 so you can understand why i'm obsessing about this so much because it's right around the corner.

I'm getting fed up with my fathers nagging about how i cant decide of whats for dinner every night. He expects me to think all the time. He claims to help but all he does is list out the same damn foods that we've been having... Like tuna salad sandwiches. If it wasn't for me he would be eating this almost every night! I already gave him some of his own medicine when I had such strong craving of ribs... Now when I tell him he complains...

I contuine to tell my father that I do suffer from BPD and from severe case of depression but I feel that hes not listening to me. He seems to be blowing me away when I tell him this kind of stuffs. I don't ever encounter him being concern enough to actually do online research about my diagnoses. He complains that I dont tell him what i feel. I wish I can tell him everything that i feel but he just DON'T understand me. How can I feel comfortable with somebody who isn't that concern enough to do research about it? I feel that people do not care about me. I know that I'm not the prettiest woman on earth but I feel that i should have the same respect as anybody else.

I'm not trying to be self centered... Just wonder..
Why hasn't anybody showed any signs of concern about me? I'm not only talking about this forum... Theirs no way im going to pull any of you guys the guilt... Just the people offline whom I thought were my friend.. I haven't recieved any calls from people who haven't heard from me in over a week due to severe depression and infact that i prefer to be alone (I have to because nobody wants to be around me).

HelgaDE,

I am sorry to hear how frustrated you are. I understand how it feels to be lonely in the midst of BPD. It seems our families are immobilized by their own fears and lack of knowledge. My husband completely ignores how I am feeling. He is in denial, and he is very happy there. I hate feeling so alone with my feelings. An hour of therapy each week just isn't enough to feel understood or cared about. I think you know what I mean.

I don't know how to encourage you. I know I had a stretch of a couple months when friends didn't call and I felt too depressed to pursue them. It was a very dark time. Please try to call someone. You will probably feel better once you connect with someone who does care about you but has gotten busy with his or her own life. You deserve to have people in your life who take the time to listen to you. I wish you friendship and comfort to ease your pain!

It could be a lot of different things, HelgaDE. Maybe your father doesn't know how to face up to this kind of thing. Maybe he's dealing with his own stuff after the death of your mother. It's hard to really understand where another person is coming from. You said that your Dad doesn't understand the way you feel...and it sounds like maybe you're in the same boat. You don't really understand where he's coming from either. We'd all like our families to provide us with support, and it's tough when they won't or can't -- try to keep in mind that his lack of understanding and support is a result of his issues, not yours.

My heart goes out to you on the loss of your mother, and on the stresses you're experiencing at home.

I gotta agree with JustBen a bit, that you don't know how your father is feeling, what's going on with him, and might want to offer him some of the acceptance you'd like from him. Does that make sense? You can think of it as modeling the Golden Rule, if you like: you're doing unto him, etc.

And as for how to deal with his not understanding you, this comes from someone who gets the "what are you depressed about? You have to be depressed *about* something..." from her family. I really do understand. My suggestion is both to review your expectations, and to help him find the information that might help you both.

In terms of expectations, maybe you could look at what you want from him. Are you asking for help with adjusting to life with a diagnosis that isn't quite familiar to you? Or are you asking him to help you grieve for your mother's death? Are you asking him to be 100% behind you even at the expense of his needs? Maybe if you can clarify your expectations, you can help both of you.

Are you in any sort of treatment? Seeing a therapist? Anything like that? Has he had any sort of grief counseling? Most men won't think of that and won't admit that they need it -- but they do. Getting him into a group might help both of you more than anything else. Getting YOU into therapy is also likely to help a lot.

And as for getting information to your father, with my Family Member, I've printed out articles and left them beside her plate when she stays with me. I doubt she reads them, but at least I can deflect things later: "Hm? Wasn't that covered in the article I gave you last time you were here? What didn't you understand about the article, maybe I can help make it clearer for you?" Not a perfect solution, but it's worth well enough for me so far.

Oh, and I forgot to ask: how old are you? If you're under 18 and in the US, there are places you can get help, and someone here can maybe help you find them.

HelgaDE,

Hugs

I TOTALLY understand how you feel.... when i was growing up, in addition to how you are feeling and treated, my parents would insist that I "snap out of it" and condemn me for wallowing in self pity and being difficult. They never once recognised that it could be a sign of depression (in those days BPD was not known) or perhaps they have too much pride to understand how I feel and also to acknowledge how I could have this problem. Never once did they research on this problem. On hindsight, if I had been offered help earlier my condition might not be so helpless and in this state it is now.

They only sat up and admitted I have a problem only when I slashed my wrists, ran away from home, got caught for shop lifting and engaging in other antisocial behaviour. All the while I was crying out for attention and some empathy from them... but NO, all they thought at that time was that I was merely going through some adolescent rebellious stage in my life.

In short, I have since gone through that terrible phrase in my life and I'm going through another (perhaps quarterlife crisis) phrase in my life... there were too many changes in my life within the past year, which incluldes moving to another country, getting married, quitting my fantastic job back home and unable to find one here, getting into HUGE financial burdens of the 6 figure kinds due to husband's previous gambling debts. I'm getting really insecure about the debts and loneliness here and the lower my esteem and emotions, the more i stayed home... and the more I stayed home, the lower my spirits get. it's like a vicious cycle.

Stay strong... you'll be fine and pull through.